@coffeecups99 hiya! How's it going? 🙂
@Creamyyy Im good, how are you doing today?
@CoffeeCups99 im good. Woke up late. Doing my daily activities - walk, shower, eating . Which I find enjoyable and relaxing. How about you - how's the day coming?
My day so far today has been great, just finished my Uni stuff and I'm heading home right now. Besides cooking today I got no idea what to do besides maybe gaming for a bit and maybe cleaning my dorm room a bit. I am pretty bored and lonely usually.
@Creamyyy
@CoffeeCups99 what is your field of study, if you don't mind sharing?
Well since we are talking, maybe you will feel a tad bit less lonely and so will i 🙂
I am doing my masters in Molecular Microbiology, Ecology and Immunology. Its a big master curriculum comprising of subjects in those 3 areas and its basically research science so a lot of lab work with different things (bacteria, archaea, cell culture and so on). Right now I am doing a big practical course which is like a practice for my upcoming master thesis and I am working on studying nitrification inhibitors in soil. It’s pretty fun and my supervisor is really nice.
I mean ye chatting with other people does help reduce my loneliness, albeit temporarily, but still.
@Creamyyy So yeah I am pretty close to finishing my studies
@CoffeeCups99 oh I'm so glad you're enjoying what you're studying. It's so important to be in a field truly of your interest. Also it sounds like a very difficult field for someone like me . So im impressed. Having a supportive supervisor will facilitate your journey.
Do you at some times enjoy your loneliness? Like just feeling your own emotions, debating ideas in your mind, observing things around you ....
@Creamyyy
No, absolutely not, I hate it. I hate being lonely since I tend to deal with my emotions in really unhealthy ways in those kinds of moments. See I am someone who doesn’t really have many friends in general due to childhood trauma that I have been carrying and the ones I did meet was online through video games.
@CoffeeCups99 I won't say I can relate to you 100% but I have had a lonely time growing up as well-- not having people to share with in depth - because sometimes they weren't ready to listen or be able to understand and sometimes I was just too scared to try.
Anyhow I'm happy you've been trying meeting people online. Virtual spaces are really good to have a comfort space real life interactions don't always offer.
We do need people to survive.. it's a human need. So we have to endeavor developing skills to be social in some form.
@Creamyyy
I see. Well, at least I am glad that you didn’t end up like me, carrying a childhood trauma due to severe bullying that is affecting my social life even today.
To be honest, that phase of me searching for real friends online is pretty much over. I am tired of meeting, getting to know new people and to try and make friends. I am more or less here on 7Cups just because I want to share my story with people that I relate to in any way.
@CoffeeCups99 bullying is unacceptable. I'm so sorry you had to go through this... would you like to share more in that context - only if you feel comfortable about it? 🙂
@Creamyyy
I don’t really like to talk about it much into detail but what I can tell you, to summarise, I was bullied since 6 years old in elementary school for 9 years and then an additional 4 years in high school, mostly verbally and I was heavily isolated and neglected. Teachers didn’t do anything about it. Since then I developed massive abandonment trauma. It all stopped once I finished high school and left my home country to study my bachlors abroad but at that point, enough damage to my social skills, self-esteem and self-worth has been done.
@CoffeeCups99 childhood is such a vulnerable time. We havent developed a clear sense of self and if we have cruel experiences it can be really difficult and confusing to navigate life. In spite of it you made your way forward to university abroad - there is so much strength in that whether you realise it or not. You also seem aware of what happened to you was wrong .... which is also progress. ...
@Creamyyy
Yeah its true. I mean it left me pretty emotionally scarred as an adult, pretty socially awkward and also suffering from social anxiety.
@CoffeeCups99 How are you today mate ?
🙂
@CoffeeCups99 How are you today mate ?
🙂
@CoffeeCups99 How are you today mate ?
🙂
@Creamyyy
I am doing good. You?
@CoffeeCups99 I'm okay as well..contemplating on how to do more work in the limited time we have in a day. Day just flies away and i achieve a few things but there is so much left to do.
What are your thoughts like today?
@Creamyyy
Nothing much really. Just been feeling sorta neutral today. Tomorrow I got some lab work until the afternoon so this will keep my mind occupied.
@Creamyyy
Hey how are you doing?
@CoffeeCups99 hi coffee. I'm okay. Just hanging in. Not a productive day. Just been managing my emotions. Maybe that's good as well- without emotional health how can one progress?
Anyhow how are you feeling? How's the day been?
@Creamyyy
Im doing somewhat ok. Just had a really uneventful and boring day, like every weekend. Got some work to do tomorrow to prepare for next week’s lab work. Thing that sucks is that none of my friends are available to chat with me so I resort to chatting here I guess.
@Coffeecups99 boredom is a problem but I'm glad it's not interfering in your ability to do your work .... there must be some relief in that?
Chatting here is actually pretty nice - at least for me - so many wise and caring people - I'm always surprised the world can be so kind.
@Creamyyy
Fair enough I guess, good for you. I wish I could believe that the world is actually kind and caring for someone like me as well but oh well 🤷♂️. I will say chatting here at least for me helps me cope/distract a little bit, albeit temporarily.
@CoffeeCups99 yeah it's not possible to force a belief on yourself but I hope that as you will continue to chat with others , it will make you grow in new directions.
So you said you play video games - what sort of games do you play? I played some in my childhood.
What other things do you like in the world around you - nature? Food? Music? Anything like that
@Creamyyy
Multiplayer games, like League of Legends and World of Tanks. Its how I met most of my close friends nowadays, although as times passed we don’t hang out as much as we used to (they just got very busy).
Well I listen to metal music, actually am a huge metalhead 😅, I watch a lot of variety YT content. When it comes to Movies/shows, was mainly into watching horror movies, sometimes action movies and when it comes to shows mainly anime, although I don’t do that as much anymore.
@Creamyyy
Hey, how are you doing?
@CoffeeCups99 Hiya! I'm well. Just seeing things around the house. There's always something out of order .. and trying to communicate better to people to get things done.
How are you?
@Creamyyy
I am good. Finished lab work for today which wasn’t much, just doing some sampling. Its still tedious and annoying, but thats what science is, so it is what it is.
@CoffeeCups99 work and work going on? Give yourself a lovely treat ..
I'm planning to give myself one too even though I haven't done a lot of work :/
@Creamyyy
Well Uni stuff is important and since I am getting close to starting my master thesis, it’s important that I focus on that. Can’t afford to be bored, lonely and depressed and idk what kind of treat would I give myself anymore anyway 😂
@Creamyyy
Why do you feel like you haven’t done a lot of work?
@CoffeeCups99 how's it going? University and otherwise ?
I dont end up doing enough as I plan because I stay involved in struggles with my self - i have suffered false guilt sometimes over things that were not all that bad, and sometimes I find it hard to be compassionate to myself for some genuinely messed up things due to ego... im gradually getting better though at being grounded !
@Creamyyy
Hey, long time no hear. I’m doing fine. Uni is good.
I get what its like. I am also pretty harsh on myself for things that are not actually that big of a deal and I beat myself over it relentlessly. And honestly, you are doing way better than me in that regard because I have almost zero self-compassion (because I hate myself massively), which just makes the situation worse than it already is…
@CoffeeCups99 no no, I have tormented myself a lot ... for the mistakes I made ... especially one.. to the point i wasn't much functional because i was so drowned in shame.. anyway its getting better. And i really hope I'll convert all my mistakes into victories ahead as an justice to myself that I learnt....that would be mission accomplished... no more self-oppression! Forgiveness and change.... and repeat..
But yeah because of all this mental work all the time - my productivity does suffer.. I just fear what if time runs out and I haven't done all the things I wish to.... I need to speed up things somehow....
I know youre struggling but I feel your work is not suffering and believe it or not thats something I truly admire if you dont- because its an inadequacy I have - and u don't have it. I hope I can learn something from you.
@Creamyyy
Ah I see what you mean now. I mean ye you could say I have a high-functioning depression. I am depressed but I am not letting it impact my studies and it’s because I kinda have to keep myself together in a way due to…well reasons. For my case its all about appearing fine on the outside for my studying/working life and struggling in every other aspect of my life (mainly the social aspect and self-worth). But regardless, I'm just trying to focus and enjoy the small moments in life.
@CoffeeCups99 yes I've heard of high functioning depression. It always amazes me how deeply complex our minds are... everyone's struggles are different and deserving of compassion.
@Creamyyy
I agree
@coffeecups99 im too hyper sometimes, sometimes too low to move, sometimes silently watching everything because I'm absorbing so much i can't participate, sometimes the weight of things feels too heavy on me even though if I look realistically those things arent too big a problem... yet. And sometimes im relaxed and cheerful as well - which is the stable im aiming more of in the midst of all the moods that just seem to happen on their own accord.
How does your energy feel like ?
@Creamyyy
My energy is kinda all over the place. There are days where I got plenty and I can do stuff but most of the time its pretty low. When I have to do something important to do ofc I gather up the energy to do it but other than that my energy most of the time is low for anything else other than my studies and gaming. I hate going outside unless I have to and unless I have a reason to go out alone somewhere (and I always need a reason if I am alone since I barely have any people to hang out with where I study). I kinda gave up trying to use my energy for something else because not many things bring me joy in this life and well…I am learning to get used to being like that (abandoned and alone). Its a difficult process but I think eventually I’ll come around.
@coffeecups988 I feel ya...
@coffeecups99 my typos probably show how impulsive/ restless i am 😅
@Creamyyy
Yeah I see and tbh I am quite impulsive in a way as well, so I get what it’s like. For example I do have the tendency to buy stuff on a whim sometimes or to commit to certain actions without thinking at all. I am trying to control myself in that regard.
@Coffeecups99 yes I mismanaged my budget this month because I was in such a rush to buy and I got things i didnt need.. so im really pausing now for the next many months... not to overspend a tiny bit even. Got to be really careful else ill land up in money issues.
@Creamyyy
That is very unfortunate 😔 but yeah, you need to think about those kind of things when managing finances.
Got bored again and felt like texting you lol. My mother was at my place for the past few weeks to keep me company but today she had to leave and now I am alone again with noone else to chat with 😅.
@coffeecups99 hey good you texted. company is good for me too 🙂 money situation is under control so far and I think it'll go fine hopefully - just got to be more vigilant about my impulsiveness.
How was it like with your mother?
@Creamyyy
I had a good time with my mother, we were hanging out outside most of the time and she helped me clean up my dorm and was cooking for me for a bit 😅. But now she is gone and my usual people that I hang out with are still not available so…yeah…probably will be suffering mentally now that I got noone else to talk to again but it doesn’t matter…
@coffeecups99 thats so sweet of your mom. I remember when I was in university and my mom would visit me she would cook many nice things for me ... mothers foods have a special flavor - of love ❤️
Thinking of university I had an awful roommate... had major racist vibes . I preferred staying alone after that...
@Creamyyy
Yeah…I had an awful experience during my bachlors when I was living in my first student with a shared kitchen (single room with a bathroom, just no kitchen). The sink was always clogged and filled with water, oil, dirty dishes and other junk to the brim and countertop and stove were always dirty. From that day I told myself, I never want a roommate. I don’t care how hit or miss roommates can be, I am not taking any chances to potentially meet a bad one.
After a year, I moved to a studio apartment where I could have my own kitchen and things massively improved.
Problem is studio apartments are usually pretty expensive and probably next year I will be forced too look for a shared apartment with a roommate because I won’t be able to afford being alone in a studio apartment.
*student dorm
@coffeecups99 yeah budget is a concern always. I made experiments with having roommates later too but it never worked due to one reason or another. So now I know id never do it again. But everyone has to see for themselves. Some people really enjoy with others. I think if you know someone its a much better bet to pick them over someone unknown..
@Creamyyy
Well unfortunately I don’t really socialise much with people IRL (even more so nowadays than before) so I don’t have anyone that would be interested to be my roommate. Like I said, I have very few friends/good acquaintances in my life. And I am not exactly enthusiastic anymore to get to know new people (actually it gives me quite a bit of anxiety). The whole thing is just mentally exhausting to me and a huge waste of time/energy since these people will abandon me anyway later on
@CoffeeCups99 yeah . No need to push yourself in a direction your mental energy doesn't support ❤️
@Creamyyy
Hey. Today was a lovely day for me. Just like last week I had to prepare 100 samples 💀, however this time, I was doing it while sick (i think its just a cold tho). So I had to be at the lab for 10 hours while feeling like I was gonna pass out the entire time and barely standing on my feet. What a lovely feeling that one can experience ☺️
@CoffeeCups99 gosh that's too much. Take a rest please. And give yourself a chocolate treat too 🙂
Ive been low on energy. Not able to do much. Its really hot in my part of the world so thats also adding to the exhaustion. Been resting and keeping my thoughts good. But the rest has reset me a bit. Planning to do more from tomorrow hopefully.
@Creamyyy
I mean yeah but it is what it is, it’s an experiment I started and I have to finish to get the data for my report so I can pass the course. And I did rest of course after I came back home. Made some tea, drank some meds and went to bed pretty much immediately. Today I felt a lot better at the lab and I had less to do, so I finished early.
You mentioned you used to be a student. What job do you work if you are not studying?
Yeah I completed my undergraduate. Then worked for a couple of years- at a financial institute as well as a magazine.
Things changed after that. I lost interest in jobs. And got interested in social issues. So that just led to studying things on my own - not through a university program. Ive been reading and reflecting on religion a lot since I was quite confused about it- thankfully I got my answers! I also read fiction for young adults , romantic fiction, some news, memoirs of people or fiction narrating accounts of those who've been through wars, illnesses, racism. Also self help books. I exchange ideas with people and learn from peoples lives . I guess I've been craving connection which i didnt find in monotonous jobs where they micromanage you and there is an office culture thats focused on gossip ... basically the kind of jobs that exist have nothing meaningful to offer me so im no longer taking that route. .. regarding earning - no im not well off - but im being supported by my parents so things are manageable. I do wish to be earning eventually and im positive it will happen - just want to grow at my own pace that doesnt crush me mentally.
@Creamyyy
Not gonna lie, I have never in my life met someone that approaches life in that sort of way. Life works in such mysterious ways when it comes to fate and stuff like that 😊, although I am not a religious person at all. Me and my family are complete atheists but of course I have nothing against people that are religious.
For me what I am mostly doing right now is studying my masters (or rather finishing it) and do gaming in my spare time. I do have another hobby that I want to start but idk if I can share it because it’s very niche. Other than gaming I do watch a lot of YT content, mostly memes here and there but also random edjucational content that catches my eye. Idk i just like doing it because I like to collect pieces of random areas knowledge (sometimes niche ones) that i think could be interested to discuss or share with people.
Tbh I am kinda in the same boat as you in the fact that I am also financially fully supported by my parents and I never worked a job before studying so yeah I get where you are coming from. That is why I want to graduate ASAP and get a job (to not be a financial burden to them). But I can imagine that office jobs have a horrible work environment (it’s quite a stereotype tbh) often times.
Growing at your own pace is completely fine. Everyone needs their own pace to do it. Some need baby steps, some can walk, some can run and some can speed-run 😅 life.
@coffeecups99 approaches life in what sort of a way? Like self study?
I use YT and ins ta as well sometimes to give my mind a chance to wander.
@Creamyyy
Yeah the self-study bit I meant. Idk maybe I misspoke and overreacted a bit to be honest, I apologise. YT is a good place for sure for things like that yeah
@CoffeeCups99 I dont know what you meant. So theres no need to apologise hehe.
@Creamyyy
Yeah I know but it’s a force of habit of mine. I tend to overapologise a lot (often times for minor stuff) and I know it can annoy people…because I felt like I said something confusingly stupid that I should feel bad about 🫠 … anyway forget what I said earlier 😊
@CoffeeCups99 all good 🙂
What's going on?
@Creamyyy
Nothing much…just another sampling day, so not much work. Tomorrow its the same thing and on Friday I sample and do my first measurements and next Monday my second measurements. And with that I’ll be done with the lab work side of things and i just need to write the report, which I have time till the end of July. And after I am done, I can discuss with a potential master thesis project with my supervisor.
@CoffeeCups99 glad to hear about your progress.
Im feeling burnt out... my head is heavy every day... because there is so much chaos in my surroundings... I don't have any anger against things. .. its just the joy gets sucked out of you...
@Creamyyy
Hey I am sorry to hear that 😔 and I can relate. I feel burnt out as well constantly, believe me I do. My joy in life has been also sucked out pretty much and I just feel like any small moments of happiness that I get become meaningless quite quickly…
@Coffeecups99 I think it's subconscious stress and maybe even trauma. I thought I was healed and had it all sorted. But my body is now suggesting otherwise.
@Creamyyy
For me it is trauma…and I know I am not healed and I guess I just don’t want to be cured 😊. But this won’t stop me from having at least some fun in life
@CoffeeCups99 I don't know you much or what you've been through- but i feel your subtle strength .
Im glad youre opting for fun. Me too... let's have some while we are still breathing. 🙂
@Creamyyy
I mean I did tell you that I am suffering the consequences of a childhood trauma from bullying and yeah I am holding myself up kinda barely. I still got things that I want to do in this life and that I look forward to (even though they are nothing major).
So…of course I am opting for fun…and yes I agree that we should enjoy ourselves while we still can 😊
By ourselves I meant lets enjoy our lives….just to avoid any confusions 😅
@CoffeeCups99 yes you told me about bullying. Its just i can't gauge the exact nature of it. Bullying can be to different extents. But I remember you didn't want to talk about it. Its completely understandable.
I have issues of my own too that I haven't spoken of to anyone ... it takes courage to open your heart and share your vulnerabilities. And we should do it only if we wish to.
@Creamyyy
For me it’s not really an issue to talk about my issues. Maybe only about the bullying itself, but anything else I am ok with it. But other than that, courage is not a problem for me. Its just a matter of keeping up the good vibes with the certain people I talk to. What I do is I just hide my issues from people if I am trying to have a “good atmosphere” with them and I don’t want to ruin it by crying about my issues.
@coffeecups99 ok thats great i see where you're coming from 💛
@Creamyyy
I will say tho that I am kinda not in the mood to talk about my issues right now, but I could tell you eventually…unless if I forget lol
@Coffeecups99 its fine. Im not into prying plus im only a member here... I don't see myself qualified to offer best support to anyone.... so I dont want you to feel i didnt help...
Anyway.... do u enjoy reading?
@Creamyyy
To be honest, simply talking to me and giving me attention is more than enough of a help for me. I honestly don’t need anything else. But I also understand that life often times just doesn’t allow for that and people just don’t have the time nowadays.
Not really. I used to read when I was in elementary and high school but after I went to Uni I stopped. Used to read crime novels. I honestly don’t know what genre of books to pick up that will be interesting for me, except maybe horror novels since I watch horror movies frequently and I like the genre in general. But…idk, I can’t bring myself to it.