Chat with @LadyInSilence by @RunningMachine
@LadyinSilence
I hope you'll accept this invitation to talk directly with me if you'd like too.
@RunningMachine
Thank you very much for doing this.
@LadyInSilence
It's a pleasure, I've been always been socially awkward sinc now teens emotionall control issues, empathy, over sharing leading to overthinking and then rejection are all symptoms of ADHD. I was diagnosed as hyperactive at 2 years old and a live if exercise has shaped my whole life. Being diagnosed at 57.5 years old just helped explain me. I've become much more aware and guarded odd line but the loneliness was crushing me inside. Cups, the welcome and support is allowing me to be me, I'm delighted you've accepted and how we become firm friends, help each other.
Ailura sensed it in and reached out, I get the feeling she is a little like me too, I'm hoping she sees our chat as a safe place she can talk when she is struggling. Seeing her posts when she felt utterly worthless was painful.
I'm off too work shortly, it's currently 19:15 for me, be good to have an idea of the time difference and when to keep an eye out for messages, I don't find it particularly easy to track thread on here, maybe I'm a luddite 🤪🤪
Only 5 of my 8 shifts too work, I can be more flexible during my 6 nights off.
Hoping genuine friendship helps us both 👍👍👍
@RunningMachine
Perhaps its your empathy that got my attention. Its often mistaken with attachment. I never knew how empathy can really make one feel. Knowing ADHD is a symptom of it was a surprise. I have learned alot about it. Where do I fit in? My empathy feels the same. However it scares me to share it. It might not sound right. My empathy has got me taken advantage of for so long. It exhausted me to the level I started to resent myself. I had to lower it a bit just to avoid resenting those around me. I am aware empathy is another mean of supporting people but I had to find other ways of showing empathy and protecting myself, protecting my heart and protecting my love for those I care about. With time if I may, can I ask you questions about it? I just hope that my empathy will never shut me off.
I read your story about Emma and how losing contact with her broke you down. With her medical condition it was expected of her to act that way. However your deep sense of empathy didn’t make it thru. Understanding your condition too made me realize it was beyond your control.
Please don’t worry about the time difference. You can message whenever you feel. I will open it whenever I can and will reply whenever I can. Please feel free to do the same.
@LadyInSilence
Please bear with me I'm quite happy to talk about empathy with you, empathy is a common symptom of ADHD rather than the reverse.I'm not sure if it will be tomorrow afternoon as I'm talking with a regular listener and if tired try to sleep a little before work. I'd rather be awake to reply properly.
@RunningMachine
No its ok. Please take your time. I’m not looking for a reply that quick. Please do what you have to do. Its just a thread you can come back to anytime.
Thank you for your kind words.
@LadyInSilence
Thawing my hands a little, surprisingly the deep freezer is a little well freezing ..
Hopefully talk tomorrow afternoon from 14:00 (GMT England) my time if you like too .
@RunningMachine
How have you been? I hope everything is going well with you.
@RunningMachine
so tell me what made you become a fighter?!
@LadyInSilence
ADHD, hyperactive, love of sport, ankylosing spondylitis changing everything, refused to quit, 2 near fatal pulmonary embolisms later and I continue to fight every day.
@RunningMachine
whats your purpose in life? Is it just to keep on fighting? survival mode can be exhausting.
@LadyInSilence
I found Cups due to loneliness but found so much more. My biggest fear is decreasing mobility reducing my movements and consequentially increasing my risk of Thrombosis. I can't pin down the stats of the stats but it is significantly more common. Yes I am in survival mood, trying to be mindfully more present doesn't change my reality and it is the reality which causes the fear and being stuck in survival mode.
Through Cups I've discovered DBT Therapy which I'm tempted to try, but breaking it down it is a mix of CBT and mindfulness. Having a logical mind makes it hard to believe it will make a difference. How do you change reality ? Just thinking it doesn't in my opinion.
Thank you for the painful but well meaning insightful question.
@RunningMachine
I’m really sorry it was painfull. I wanted to understand how strong are you in facing this. Many would assume survival mode can weaken a person but in reality its what makes them strong. You truly sound strong. Your reality is making you aware of what you are living and how you chose to live and fight it. Its not just the traumas or the medical condition you have. Its the inner reality you carry around in your heart. I genuinely apologize but it was an insight that needed to be asked.
@LadyInSilence
Hey, no need to apologise, I appreciated you asking, I'm also physically restricted from living life as I would chose. Give up, never, while I can still breath I intend to, I am seeking a more inspiring purpose 🤪🤪
I appreciate you and enjoy talking with you, thank you.
@RunningMachine
and that’s how life is intended to be, hold in to it as long as you can breathe. Tell me more about your empathy. How did you manage to keep it in control?
@LadyInSilence
It's 23:3 here what is the tine for you just to have idea of the difference ?
I'm not side stepping the questions and more than happy to talk about it with you, I feel sharing our experiences could help each other, but I'd like to answer tomorrow when I'm more with it 😁😁
@LadyInSilence
Apologies, I'm off out to watch a former housemate's Elvis impersonation, 2-3 hrs but would really like to talk more and get to know each other further, I'm intrigued, sneaky suspicion you might of studied psychology 😄
@RunningMachine
I genuinely appreciate what you wrote. It spoke from your heart. Yes I totally agree you love sharing like you said to Mitch. Thank you for considering me a friend. Someone who happens to be socially awkward is not awkward at all. You have been proving with time that healing is worth fighting for. It was amazing to see that your support and empathy to Ailura never stopped.
To give you an insight about me, I found this place at a point where loneliness has filled me, felt like I was drowning. I was hoping to find a support group who might understand what I was going thru. The loss of two of my family members was harder than I could handle. I was a reader at first. Seeing how much others suffer was painful but made my pain smaller. I needed to feel I wasn’t alone and indeed I wasn’t alone in this world. I’m socially outspoken but always kept a distance from people. My social awkwardness was much of not being able to tolerate those who put masks on, fake identities and untruthful personalities.
I had friends in my late 20s but pushed them all cuz I didn’t understand what my PTSD was and how did it effect them. Yes I pushed them but it was easy for them to pull away. With time I started building up empathy to the extent that it was exhausting me physically and emotionally. My turning point was when I realized I’m about to resent those I love. I’m working on making a balance. It will take time but I’m willing to do the work to find what was missing in me.
Thank you for being you.
@LadyInSilence
Just been one of those nights, slept a little here and there but not much over all it happens.
Realised neither of us messaged yesterday, I respect you as a friend admire the introspection and insights and would be honoured if we continue talking respectfully as friends, how was your day yesterday ?
@RunningMachine
My day went well thank you. How was yours? I had few things to do at home. Cleaning and washing.
I just remembered you had suspicions thst I might’ve studied philosophy and psychology. Well I never did :) I do read alot. Words are my weapon and my source of existence.
Hope you have a great day ahead.
@LadyInSilence
I had a good day yesterday, I was invited for dinner by Carol, Emma's mum, just listening to music with Emma afterwards she dozed off against me !!
I never thought of progressive rock as sleep inducing, I've posted a thread on the Music group, be interested to hear of it helps others sleep too 😁
@LadyInSilence
You certainly have a way with words, it was how insightful you have been with me and other responses I've seen that made me wonder.
@RunningMachine
sounds like you had a good dinner and time at Carol’s. I might try progressive rock for sleeping. Wonder how will that be :)
I’m good with words so I thought why not use them wisely and softly to ease up pain or lighten up someone’s day. There were times when I surely needed that in my life. Days of shutting down not being able to comprehend my emotions. I felt numb and void inside. The only way it pushed me to move on was trying to support those around me morally. A self motivation that made me look strong even when I felt weak. I had years of practicing meditation, self control, silence, and proper use of words. I truly believe some things are better left unsaid, especially knowing they might cause discomfort or sadness.
I have seen your responses too. You are very kind with your words. Thank you
@LadyInSilence
I responded to a post yesterday and it struck me just how much 20 years as a cycling coach was an outlet for empathy, it might be why I've struggled more with emotions since.
Hope you're well, I'm back to a run of 8 nights again later so might be quiet.
@RunningMachine
I’m glad you tagged me. Been wondering if I had burdened you a little with my thoughts. You have one exquisite empathy that many would cherish in their life.
Enjoy your boring freezing stuff 8 nights shift. Message when you want and can. No worries
@LadyInSilence
I didn't feel burdened at all, stumbled to know what to say but felt honoured that you did.
@RunningMachine
You actually did stumble 😄
@RunningMachine
Thank you for this beautiful post. I took time to reply but wanted to read it again. Every you say and share is genuine. I’m sorry you haia dispute with people here. I’m actually surprised that anyway would think of even argue with someone like yourself. You are kind, caring, polite and very respectful.
I’m glad that you will be engaging here and more glad it has nothing to do with your current condition. I too agree with your therapist that perhaps you can take your time or just simply ignore posts that might make you feel triggered. Some things are not worth taken far or energy. Dave it for you and those you care about.
Enjoy the best self of you that you have become. You sound awsome and in track and way far from sounding awkwardly social.
@LadyInSilence
It's been a
@LadyInSilence
It's been a while, how have you been doing ?
I've made some progress with the therapist although I'm still not comfortable with mindfulness, I struggle to sit for more than a few minutes.
Been popping on and off of Cups but keeping it down to a minimum, hardly responded to anything. Been picking a book up rather than scrolling on Cups.
Emma's doing well bless her, nothing much has changed but she is messaging me more often and seems to be relaxing and talking more openly.
I've struggled physically for the past 10 days but have felt much better last couple of days, my arthritis flared up for the first time in almost 6 years, particularly my upper back, neck and ribcage, not particularly painful only a 1 in 10, more like a gentle burning sensation. Only been walking on the treadmill for the past few days hopefully get back to running today.
Just checked Cups, didn't see anything I was tempted to respond too. It's made me realise how many 'look at me' and 'love each other' posts there are.
@RunningMachine
I've been doing well thank you. I too had struggled a bit with 7 cups here. I haven't been able to open posts or to respond to any but at least managed to upvote few to show them support. I'm reading thru the posts hoping to see one of yours. I'm glad to know you were busy yourself too. Yes many "look at me" and "love each other" posts. I had pretty much nothing to say. I see you all. I'm sorry to hear you had issues with moving but you sound you are doing pretty well. Thank you for checking up on me. You have always been quite a gentleman.
@LadyInSilence
Awesome to see your first post, sorry I'm not really into poetry and couldn't be more constructive.
I've still been struggling with the arthritis, resting heart rate has been 10-15 beats higher than normal and it's physically been draining my energy although it's just a mild discomfort I've often just resorted to gradient walks rather than runs so been a bit miserable.
I helped Emma with some applications for voluntary work last week and ran her to and from her first interview for 8 years this afternoon. I've agreed to a criminal record check so that I can be there to support her for her first 2-3 shifts on my days off to start, once she settles in a little with the other volunteers she will hopefully be fine on her own. They're contacting her psychologist but that's unlikely to be an issue as she is aware of it. The position is helping and supporting 16-24 year olds which might be triggering for Emma so she will be shadowing other volunteers initially.
Emma messed up her meds a couple of weeks ago and woke from a psychotic episode with her two of ex boyfriends friends raping her. She confided in me that it happened after a night clubbing at university when they had plied her with drugs all night. It didn't come as a shock as I remembered a similar episode a couple of years ago but although I'm pleased she has confided in me I've spoken to a local talking therapy service about it as I want to be there to support her but not make it harder for her. I'm not going to bring the subject up other unless Emma does other than to let her know she is always welcome to as she feels fit.
I hope all is well with you I'm going to loose myself in 'The Master and His Emissary' it's a hefty philosophical tome on 'consciousness' written by a cognitive scientist, not very poetic I'm afraid, but heavy enough to make mt brain work and hopefully tire me enough too sleep 😉