Current state.
@azurePond I don't know why I'm unable to send you my reply on our thread. I don't know why my message isn't getting sent. :(
@azurePond Are you better now? I hope you are in a clearer headspace.🫂 How is it going?
Thank you for always rooting for me, and getting back. I missed you like ***. About my days, pardon me if I sum it all up haphazardly & it, as usual, gets lengthy but I hope I don't confuse you anywhere. I'm gonna break my message into chunks because I'm facing this glitch. Please read it one by one.
I think I could be better.
Why I say this is because I think I can really do better in my studies. In my performance that I'm just not satisfied with. All my classes go on as usual. I regularly show up. My Business subject specifically has this topic test every two weeks. So it really keeps me on track with the lessons of that particular subject. But I am sort of struggling with Psych and English because I haven't made any notes for the former yet. I was late to start revising that subject, and it was being very difficult making notes. I don't know how to describe it, Pond. It's just very hard and very complicated to really elaborate. Basically, I have this tendency to just really get the structure right? I consume the information but unless it is organised in my memory I am not able to write a thing in my question papers. I can't study without structure. Once a structure fits into my head, I can just keep my eyes closed. And when I'm writing the paper, I can just visualise the entire thing and write my answer. And that structure only comes from thorough, precise notes. But sadly, it's because of this lack of notes I have been unable to practise past papers for English and Psych. I think I'm just constantly focusing on the perfection of notes and failing to start practicing, but even if I start practicing, I don't really have anything in my head. So how will I practice? So it's it's me going back and forth between trying to make notes and procrastinating, trying to make notes and procrastinating.
@azurePond I don't know how the weeks pass by so soon. It feels terrifying that May is arriving. It's almost November and I haven't still made my Psychology & English notes. So there are 2 papers in the first year of Alevel English and 4 writing tasks in total. I'm still practising the first task. I'm yet to cover 3 more tasks, and I don't know how that is going to happen. As I write this, I'm starting to get scared because I don't know how I'm gonna manage. I haven't been revising anything even though I keep hearing from some acquaintances that they also started studying late and blah blah blah but I don't know how I'm gonna manage. If a test happens for Psych and English, I'll be put on the spot and my mind will just freeze. In the exam hall, I will not get so much time, so I'm really worried about these 2 subjects. That covers my academic worries. And if you ask me, I have been procrastinating. It's terrible I know. But it just gets very addictive. I don't really have LIFE in my life. My life is very dull. I remain at home. I attend my classes. I feel like I could do more.
@azurePond
I have so much more to see in this world. I want to learn piano. I want to learn sewing. I want to learn kathak - a dance form, but sadly, I don't get the time and energy to do all those things. And it's very frustrating. So what really makes me feel alive is the person that I was in my childhood that connecting to that part is really, very wholesome and how I do it these days is watching the shows that I used to as a child. I would like to admit something - I used to watch some soap operas, I mean, my mom used to watch them. And I had to sit with her because I was very little. And she had to take care of me. So I would have to watch with her, and it was very nice. I wouldn't understand any of it, but I remember that the shows were always dramatic, chaotic, very loud with so many unrealistic aspects. But you know what? There was just something in the core of that form of entertainment that really connected to my heart. Perhaps it was the emotions. Perhaps it was the acting or the really fantastic music that really touched a child's heart, even though she didn't know the e of emotion or its spelling. She didn't know anthing, but she sort of just felt it. Also it was in a time when things felt simple, I sat with my tiny family to watch television and I was such a big couch potato until a few years ago. The 2000s are extremely dear to my heart and I remember things from as early as when I was 4. I still have that feeling inside me. So, you know what happened in July this year? Season 2 of a certain old soap opera really came out and it's really keeping me busy in the sense that I love it. I watch it and I spend some time on it. It makes me happy. I also have gone back to watching movies on Netflix. A few weeks back I watched this beautiful romantic film. It was delightful and yeah, that sort of got me back to connecting with my older self that I thought was lost. A very romantic part of me. Here's the thing - I'm a die hard romantic. People may call me cheesy or old school whatever but it's it's a fact about me that I'm a die hard romantic. I believe in love stories. I love stories. My heart beats for them, and they're a big part of my identity. Actually, they shaped up big part of my childhood and adolescence. So watching that show's s2 really brought some memories. It is nostalgic. It is emotional. It was powerful. So that keeps me really satisfied these days.
@azurePond Fictions keeps me detached from reality when it gets too much and makes me feel alive. And art does imitate life. I deactivated my fb account. I try to reduce my scrolling online. I focus on fiction and study, and that keeps me feeling okay. But I feel like I could do much better if I didn’t procrastinate, if I didn’t spend so much time on entertainment, and if I put more effort into my studies. I often feel a bit lost with English, and I asked Dawn to help me but she let me know that she is going through a tough time, so I don’t want to bother that darling soul. Right now, I’m just trying to be there for her like she was for me earlier this year. I love her. I wish I could do more. I also know Anya is busy with her new pet, so we haven’t been talking very often. I really miss you and feel like I need some guidance. That’s why I look for ways to distract myself when I’m not studying, but it doesn’t always go the way I plan. I just wish I could study more effectively.
@azurePond I hope you are able to see this entire thread.ð¥º
