Lola and karate kids hangout
This space is reserved for @AndrewJohn1504 and @tinywhisper11 ❤❤
Im sorry it might be triggering. Please don't see me as someone else after you read it.
trigger warning!!!!!
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It started when I was very young my mother was aggressive to me sometimes when I was a kid she was screaming at me a lot she was beating me with a hairbrush and other improvised weapons. My father is alcoholic and there were times when he was beating me but thing that was more common was that he was very sexual to me sometimes he was grabing me in places he shouldnt we were taking baths when I was like 3/4/5/6 years old and he was asking me sometimes to grab you know what. Now I have a little contact with them but Im in my hometown once a month to do some paperworks in my father business Im doing that only cause I have some good money from it. When I was 11 my mom took me to the psychologist and then to psychiatrist I went there for like a year idk why I was there but apparently I was very aggressive but not toward people but I was hitting things with my fists and I was screaming a lot. Then I had a bad mental health but I didnt really know why then but I tried to hang myself I stopped very quickly because I felt presence of death (I have no idea how to explane it but I saw some dark creature it was probably my mind trying to say me something or I just imagined it) my psychologist didn't really cared about it she probably thought that I was joking she didn't take anything seriously. So for another few years I had some bad periods and it was building up to the moment when year ago (April 2 2023) I talked about it with my very good friend and he recommended to me that I should talk about it with his ex (she saw that i was feeling bad and she offered her help 2 days earlier) i talked to her and she promised me that she will do everything she can to help me but one day later she distanced herself from me and after another few days when I tried to talk to her she was saying that she doesnt want to talk but we were in the same friend group with me and like 12 other people. Then I started to hurt myself firstly it was cutting my forarms, my sleeping schedule was destroyed and I was feeling very lonely. After a month she wrote me a long messege in which she wrote that Im sick and treats her like boxing bag (idk if you know what I mean with boxing bag we say that when we treat someone very bad), but it wasnt true and she also wrote there that Im not the only one in the world who wants to kill himself. On this point I had a few attempts. Then I ve tried to reach to more of my friends cause I felt that I cant get true it alone then my bestfriend since we were 4 abondoned me after promising me a help then I had mature exam which is like final exam in highschool and its cruciall to get to got college and I was broken than I had no sleep I was sleeping few hours or I wasnt sleeping for 2 or 3 days but I wrote the exam. After that many more friends abandoned me. I had panic attacks nearly every day I was crying a lot and one day I just lost ability to cry (29th may 2023) and I cant cry to this day, I was sleeping once in two days sometimes I didnt for more than 2 in this time I had hallucinations beacause a lack of sleep, I wasnt eating for days, I found a new ways to hurt myself physicaly (I have scars that reminds me of that period, some of them on my hands so people can see it too), I was shaking a lot. So in August 2023 I just stopped talking with my "friends" I was left alone and it was the worst cause I need people and these "friends" were the only ones that I had and I loved them f that I still love them. I lost them all apart from 2 friends and 1 that didnt know about anything but im talking with them only when Im in my hometown. I was spending a lot of time driving alone in the middle of the night listening to depressing music and driving as fast as I could with hope of dying. There wasnt a moment when I wasnt blaming myself for what they did, I still do. To this day Im falling asleep for 2 or 3 hours because there is no night when my mind isnt going to one of my traumas, sometimes I have nightmares with those "friends" they usually are taking something from me or they turn my family against me. Im shaking a lot when Im alone, I cant talk to strangers they are terrifying for me I just see people as someone who tries to hurt me. Im extremely lonely and I never found love in my live I never been on a date even and Im afraid that I will be to scared to ask someone out.
That just makes me feel that Im a bad person and Im a loser.
@AndrewJohn1504
Do you remember this thread that I wrote on some group where I wrote that Im talkig with people in my head? I also creat scenarios in which I talk with people that hurt me to justify their actions or hear "Im sorry" from them cause I know I wont hear it irl. Im creating those in my head very often and Im not controling it at this point I made like hundreds of them
@AndrewJohn1504 😥 I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 those people who were supposed to be your friends. It's really sad, there are so many people who think of themselves before anyone else it seems😥 I'm sorry you finally opened up and they let you down. But that's not the case with everyone ❤ I'm not like that. I won't promise you just in case you think it's a fake promise. Your relationship with your parents now 😕 do you talk to them? Do you hate them?
are that's the good thing about this site, people here don't look for relationships, just for their own benefit. I certainly dont. I've supported many people here on the forums and still am, I've made many great friends. It's the only place I've ever felt loved. So don't ever be afraid to speak up here ok? People are going through the same sort of things, we understand people better here ❤❤
making conversations with theese people in your head, well that sounds like your coping mechanism. So it's ok ❤ do you take meds? I know lots of people don't like taking meds. What about therapy?? Would you give it another go?
I've never dated anyone either, but I never plan too. I like my freedom😁 but when the time is right your princess will find you ❤ your not a loser, cause I only know cool people😎
hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I see my parents once a month but Im not calling them and they re not calling me. When Im home Im alone there and when my parents come back from work Im taking my mom car and Im just driving sometimes Im meeting with friends those whose I didnt lose.
I dont hate my parents I dont even hate my "friends" I think Im not able to truly hate someone.
Today I had a dream with this girl who I wrote you about. It wasnt a nightmare in this dream I felt like she was my bestfriend again but I know that she is pure evil irl.
@Tinywhisper11
Im not taking any meds and I dont thing I ll ever go to a therapy, Im scared to death
@Tinywhisper11 do you have any plans for today?? The weather here has been really cooling down theese past couple of days. But today it's already 18 degrees and it's only 4am🙁 I like the summer, but the heat can be a killer
I think I've. Caught a cold, where the weather keeps cooling then heating up. Is your sleeping any better now? Do you still self harm?? I'm gonna go play with my piggies ❤❤
gives you the biggest hug ever ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Im gonna take a walk to my sister house she lives in the same city. She is the only person apart from my grandmother and grandfather that I trully love.
Im still having trubles with falling asleep Its very rare for me to fall asleep in under 2 hours, there are once nights once in a while when I dont sleep. There was a week when it happend 3 times it was like a month ago.
I dont self harm for 11 months but sometimes I feel very big need to do it (hurt myself).
@Tinywhisper11 meds and therapy isn't for everyone ❤ especially if you have had a bad experience with one. I'm glad you have your grandparents and sister ❤ hate is a strong emotion, I'm not sure if I hate anyone either. I've only self harmed once, but I have talked to many here who do. Their always so ashamed of themselves, do you feel ashamed after you do it?? I always tell people we all have our own coping mechanisms, and self harm is not the best one, but you've done nothing wrong, so don't be ashamed ❤ one of the girls I've been trying to help in the pen pal forums. I've been talking with her for a while now, she's only 14 she's a sweet kid. She's been on life support machine for over a month now. 🙁 she was in a bad place mentally, I'm just praying for a miracle at this point😥 that dream you had about that girl, yeah she was pure evil. I don't quite understand how one day someone can be so nice then the next day a real ***
@Tinywhisper11
I dont know if I felt ashamed when I was hurting myself I loved it and there was no paint. I had like 5 months streak when everyday I did self harm on one point I didnt event wanted to do it but I had my streak which I had to maintain. To this day when i hurt myself accidently I dont feel any pain or maybe my body learned to ignore it, cause I was hurting myself a lot. Now sometimes I just stare at my scars but I dont know what I feel then. Its just liveless stare.
Im feeling sorry for that girl. Please tell me when she will be better
@AndrewJohn1504
pain* not paint
@Tinywhisper11 when you walk to the city, be very careful. There are lots of bad people about. But have fun with your sister ❤❤ and stop in a shop and but yourself a Xmas present😁 it won't be long till Xmas gotta start buying now🎅 I've bought one present for myself so far. But I've found some things I'd like to buy myself. Does anyone but you presents for your birthday or xmas?? Did you have a favourite toy growing up?? Did you believe in Santa Claus??
@Tinywhisper11
I dont celebrate any holidays and birthdays. I mean Im comming home at christmas but I dont go to a church then and Im staying home. No one celebrates my birthdays so Im not celebrating them at all. For years I felt bad because of that but now Im just treat it like any other day.
@AndrewJohn1504 ahh that's fair enough ❤ only the past couple of years I've realised people celebrate their birthdays, and Xmas and so many different holidays. So 2 years ago I decided that I'm not gonna miss out anymore I'm gonna celebrate everything I possibly can😁 I'm not a Christian, I don't class myself as any particular religion. But I do believe in God, angels and heaven ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I was raised as catholic but when I was 14 I realised that I'm not believing in those things. But I like learning about religions similarities between them are the most interesting for me.
@Tinywhisper11 you said you don't cry anymore 🙁 after the age of about 6 or 7 I learnt not to cry. When I was 11, I turned numb. Kinda just zombie mode. I think my mind had just given up. But the past few years, damn! I can cry. The longest I've cried as been almost 14 hours. Maybe this site, and me can help you get back to the place you feel comfortable to cry again ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I just one day lost it. By body is unable to cry no matter what happens I cant I dont know whats causing it and how to make myself cry. 14 hours is long *** time, my record I think is maybe 5 or max 6.
How often are you crying?
@AndrewJohn1504 I don't cry often, I'm generally a happy person😁❤ it's ok, one day you will be able to cry again ❤
Did you have a good time with your sister yesterday?? I've come down with a cold, so I've been eating soup, and drinking hot things, and having lots of piggies cuddles😁
do you miss not being in holiday? Do you get to travel much?
@Tinywhisper11
Hey!! Im so sorry I wasnt responding I ve been busy for last two days I came to hometown I ve met with some of my remaining friends here and I was helping my father with paperwork for his bussines.
Are you ok now? I mean this cold did it go away?
Meeting my sister was good her daughter is very funny. She is 1.5 years old.
@Tinywhisper11
I dont travel much Im comming to my hometown once a month to do paperwork but I wouldnt call that holidays or rest days.
Trip to Romania and Bulgaria was my first vacation since 2021
@Tinywhisper11 awww kids are cute ❤ so your a uncle,😁 ❤
Well I'm glad you got to finally go on holiday. Did everything go ok in your hometown??
Sorry I haven't been around, I've just got home from hospital, I'm not very well 🙁 how are you feeling?? Have you started your film college yet?
Hey. what happened? why were you jn the hospital?
Im still in my hometown its ok so fat but I had some bad moments and I found a new song that is triggering me I have a lot of those
@AndrewJohn1504 oh no which song??
I'm not doing very well 🙁 I have a very low immune system. With all the operations I've had. And the way I was treated in the past, doctors said it will be a miracle if I live till 40. But don't worry I'll be ok ❤ are you still in your hometown?
@Tinywhisper11
Im still in my hometown. I ll be here for next few days and my friend invited me to party which will take place in 2 days so I ll have some fun but today I probably have nothing to do until my friends change their plans cause they are on dozynki which is like old slavic tradition its big event celebrated in small town and villages celebrating end of harvest and I dont want to go there, a lot of people in one place and I have a lot of people in my hometown that I dont want to meet accidently.
How are you feeling today? Is it better?
@AndrewJohn1504 good morning ❤ ooo! A party, that sounds fun 😁 I've never been to a party, so I'd love to hear all about it once you recovered from your hangover of course😁
a festival might be fun, I don't know what your festivals are like though. And yeah you don't want to have to make small talk with people you don't want to see🤔🤔 go to a festival a few towns away😁 and win yourself a giant teddy bear😁
a few days isn't that long it must be quite triggering being in your hometown though 🙁 but you will be ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤
Yeah it us triggerung there are a lot of places when I had hours long breakdowns and shi and places when I talked with bad people so its not eqsy to be here.
I ll tell you everything about a party but you re right hangover first
@AndrewJohn1504 I really don't know how you have the strength and bravery to go back there. I know it's something you need to do, for yourself ❤ your very brave, I love that about you🙂❤ is it a house party??? Becareful no one spikes your drink. And any sign of trouble, just leave. Otherwise have fun😁
if I'm gone for a few days at any point. Just no it's not intentional, I'm very sick. So it's just that. But hopefully that won't happen. I love this site ❤ and all my friends here ❤
Yes it is house party, someone who hurt me in the past will be here so Im a little scared but I hope I ll manage.
How is your health today?
@Tinywhisper11 sorry for the late reply🙁 I'm not doing very well. I've hardly been here on cups, I just haven't felt well enough.
oh someone who hurt you is gonna be at the party🙁 just becareful, and avoid them ❤ how did the party go?? Are you still in your hometown??
Im coming home (I call home city that I study in not my hometown) on friday. Party was ok I had a long talk with my friend about what happened with me and our old friend group. I had a moment when I had to be alone and I took a half an hour walk but the rest of the party was good. We even won money on slot machines me made 4x profit. I never gambled before and I wont do it again probably despite that I won.
Can I ask why are you feeling worse than before in last days?
Hey. Are you okay?
Hey I wanted to check on you. I assume thats you re not feeling well recently and Im very worried. I hope Its stable and we will talk soon. Sending love
@AndrewJohn1504 don't worry I'm ok ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Im so glad that you are here. Can I ask you if something bad happend?
@AndrewJohn1504 don't worry about it. I'll be ok ❤ how are you doing? How was the party??
@Tinywhisper11
Overall party was okay couple messeges up I wrote about it with more details maybe you missed that.
Recently Im not feeling well but I found a listener to talk to.
Im sorry Im asking again but are you okay right now?
@AndrewJohn1504 oh! Sorry I will scroll up and read ❤ yeah um. I'm not sure how to answer that. And things have happened yes
@Tinywhisper11
O ok Im sorry I pushed you to answer but Im worried, tell me about it when and if you will be feeling comfortable with that.
@AndrewJohn1504 I'm currently being fed through a tube, and just not doing good.But I will be ok ❤ not gonna dye yet
@Tinywhisper11
You dont deserve that. Im so sorry for everthing that is happening to you
@AndrewJohn1504 I'm paralysed in the left side aswell has being paralysed from the waist down (that bit is normal) I'm gonna have to have another spine surgery soon. But it will be ok ❤
The party sounds fun, I'm glad you had a good time ❤ what else have you been doing?
@Tinywhisper11
Im sorry I couldnt get to you earlier.
I see but how are you feeling right now or today how was it today?
@Tinywhisper11 don't worry, no pressure to reply here at any time ❤ I'm in a lot of pain, waiting for surgery. But I'm doing ok otherwise🙂❤ mentally preparing for the worst here.
how have you been feeling?? How are you coping mentally right now? I'm here if you need to talk about anything that's bothering you ❤ what's college like?
@Tinywhisper11
O I hope it will be ok. Just if you can update me on your situation sometimes.
Recently not really good I cant do nothing Im just siting in one place and wasting time for weeks now. I havent started semester yet it starts in October here and I cant wait to come back to the college to finaly have something to push me to do anything
@AndrewJohn1504 oh you've lost all motivation🙁 depression really sucks, bless you ❤ I will answer any questions you have, but I don't freely talk about my stuff to much. I push it all down until it explodes and I go on a long vent.
it's almost October I hope you can get over this little dip before it starts ❤
are you at the stage where you just can't be bothered to do anything? Or perhaps to many things racing in your mind stopping you from doing things?
@Tinywhisper11
A lot of things is on my mind and im trying to do something but i just cant and stoping everything I do after few minutes.
A lot of thoughts about a past and different scenarios
@Tinywhisper11
I dont want to push you to answering anything about you if you dont want to but i would love to help you in some way and if you change your mind about talking about your problems Im here always
@AndrewJohn1504 that's very sweet thankyou ❤
Do you want to talk about the things going on in your head?? And what scenarios your thinking about? I would love to listen ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Those thought and scenarios are pretty regular to me. I think Im geting used to it but I know I shouldnt
