Reconnecting
Hi @helgyafy @tinywhisper11 @mytwistedsoul
I hope you don’t mind me creating this thread. I’m sorry, I haven’t been online lately and I couldn’t find where we’ve chatted before. I think of you all often and the kindness you’ve shown me, and I wonder how you’re doing. I really hope you’ve been well. I’m sending you prayers. Please pray for or think of me too when you have a moment. Please let me know how you’ve been.
❤️
@BlueDarkAurora
@Tinywhisper11
@BlueDarkAurora
@Tinywhisper11 💖
@Tinywhisper11
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 💜
@BlueDarkAurora Thank you. ☺️ How are you?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Hey I'm alright ^-^ 💗 How have you been?
@BlueDarkAurora I’m kind of ok. I’m not really bad. I have some things on my mind.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I'll be back to this 💚
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Pieces, sometimes in life people conform to the idea we have of ourselves in our minds. I know it's not easy to change the way we have perceived things and I know that everytime the narrative we set gets replicated in real world, our brain takes that as evidence. But it's not.
Maybe just maybe the responsibility of something not working out can for once fall on the other person. You're absolutely deserving of people who love you and care for you. Sometimes healing is standing in face of all these evidences and still holding strong to your kind heart and knowing you deserve the absolute best.
And I'm alright ^-^ yes 💗 I've picked up a new hobby, love it but it's so time consuming. I'm also back on my wishes hehe I've got two on the way
@BlueDarkAurora !! You’ve got a new hobby and some new wishes!!! That made my day to read. 😊 Does your hobby have to do with yarn? (I have a goal to learn crochet one day.) I am immediately sending some revised good thoughts for your new wishes! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for everything you said. Just for taking the time to read it and write back. Your words did reach me and made my eyes glossy. I’m sorry for venting so much, and to you specifically putting pressure on you to respond. We all here have so much going on. I want you to know I really appreciate what you give me all the time.
You asked what I do when I’m having a hard time. Sometimes I get out of the house, like it does something to physically go somewhere else. Sometimes I distract with tv or reading some random thing I’m interested in. There have been times I’ve had good coping skills like mindfulness things, and I’m trying to get back into those (there was a long time when they weren’t working for me.) I’ve been doing a little better with the quiet. I’m being more intentional about saying nice supportive things to myself. When I have those pangs I just tell myself it’s ok to feel it. I try to feel it deeply for a minute and then move to something else when it’s hard to stand. I am telling myself that the things I need are ok, even the things I’d like but aren’t necessary. I’m trying to let things be and remain open to whatever comes my way. I also had a talk with myself about how shaming myself isn’t actually helpful (I trick myself into thinking it will fix me), but rather just drains me and makes me act in more ways I don’t like and then I just feel worse. I dig myself in deeper, am tired all the time, and reinforce the shame when I make more mistakes.
My kids are going through some things, and I struggle with that, but they’re also amazing people, and I feel like I’m making some small steps. I feel a little proud of myself.
Thank you again for being there for me, for being someone I think of to go to when I need help. I need to stop thinking I have no friends, because I do. I have wonderful people here, and we think of each other and notice when we’re away. I’m so thankful for you. I hope I can give back a fraction of what you give me.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas yes crochet, it's time consuming T-T but fun, I made a plushie!
It's very easy, not at first lol but like through practice it gets very easy and fun. If you decide to start I'll share the YouTube channel that I found super helpful.
Thank you so much, I'm bringing all my positivity too 💗
Please don't be sorry, it took some time for me to respond cause I feel like I'm repeating things and not saying anything helpful ^^ I'll always be a friend and I do notice anytime you're not around 💗 You can text or tag me anytime, I'll be here.
Going outside does help a lot, and all the other things you do are super helpful too (having mindfulness be a helpful practice takes discipline, so proud of you for that). Lately I'm on this kind of thought process where if some feelings feel a bit too harsh, I have this moment of past reflection like "oh this is where the root is" and then I tell myself how that's not valid or how that's not on me. It's not an instance fix but might stick if done enough with love and gentleness. I think you're doing that too, so we're like healing buddies xD
I feel proud of you always 💗 you're being strong for yourself, for your awesome family. You have us here, we have you. You have your beautiful heart. You have God 💗 You're not alone.
@BlueDarkAurora Everything you tell me always seems to be what I need to hear in that moment. It’s funny you say that (not that I’m laughing, just meaningful), because sometimes I also take time to write or be quiet for a little because I’m afraid that I am saying the same things. I worry that I annoy people by not making progress. Although in my less insecure moments I’m pretty sure I am making progress. We all are. ❤️
Yes! Healing buddies! I like that. I was just thinking about that idea yesterday, that if I am nice to myself consistently, even when I don’t feel like it, eventually it will stick. This like developing a new habit. I think our minds can definitely learn better habits.
A crochet plushie sounds so cute!
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Yes you're always making progress ^-^ we adore you! 💖
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! ❤️ I hope everything turns out alright with the tests.
@mytwistedsoul Thankyou friend. ❤️
@Tinywhisper11
@mytwistedsoul
@BlueDarkAurora
@mytwistedsoul
@BlueDarkAurora
@TinyWhisper11 I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Are you ok? How are you feeling?
@Tinywhisper11
@Tinywhisper11 Where are you Tiny? please be alright 💗
@BlueDarkAurora @TinyWhisper11 🙏🙏🙏
Friends, I feel like I’m taking too much here lately. I hope it’s ok if I write one more time again about myself. I have had some more news that has rocked me. I’d like to ask for your prayers and thoughts.
A few days ago I received correspondence from a sibling, from the family I have not spoken to half a lifetime ago. They have not really ever reached out, except a couple notes way back to tell me off. I have moved several times, but this sibling found me. I had made peace with knowing any of us might pass without reconciling. It’s been a long time since I have desired any apology, reconciliation, or time with them. I have considered that if any of them had ever reached out in a loving way then I would be open to exploring something.
The letter didn’t mention anything about care for me or my kids, regret, etc. It was centered around what they want and reminded me of my wrongdoing. It was polite and professional. There was part of me that was hopeful looking for the positives in it. I have been very exhausted and having nightmares throughout the night.
I’m concerned with doing the right thing. I’m trying to discern what is right for me, my kids, and them. I try to get a sense of what morally is right, what God would want me to do. I don’t believe God wants us to end in bad situations. I think at first I was a little excited thinking this might be my chance for closure. But now I think it may have given me closure in a different way, a confirmation that nothing really changed.
I might feel differently tomorrow. I really want to do what is right. I know I have to have good boundaries going in. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to stick to them.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Talk as much as you like, it'll never be too much. I post gifs and quotes here all the time lol
Next time a letter arrives from this individual, just give this thought some consideration "I have built my life brick by brick with my own strength and care. I've put deadbolts on the door, not to shut me in but to keep the harm out. I decide what I let in. I decide what gets to share a spot in my sacred space. And even if something disguised as positive comes, there's always a way to let something back out".
I cannot tell you to just let go of your hopes of reconciliation, I know that's not easy. But maybe we can try to turn it around? Maybe think of your hope as your brain wanting some comfort from your own being. You are more than capable of thinking that this chapter is closed cause you decide it is. The hope that you feel, this scene of them finally understanding you, giving you the apology you deserve, let it play out. And once it's over, don't try to long for it. Just soothe your heart that this is done, you choose the peace you feel in this moment.
This is just something to think about and try if you feel ready. Please do not push yourself into anything that feels too hurtful 💗 It's all about what feels right to you, what feels like a step towards healing.
@mytwistedsoul @BlueDarkAurora Thank you so much for being here with me. I wanted to take a day or two to respond, because sometimes I feel one thing and change my mind the next day. I suppose that's to be expected, but I also don't want to be confusing. I get embarrassed doing that.
First, Twist, I hate that you have dealt with this kind of thing too. I don't know your situation obviously, but I have to guess you have these layers too. The whole idea of figuring out what love is and isn't. Then struggling to build stability for ourselves, by ourselves, or maybe redefining what family is if we find a couple good friends or start a family of our own. It makes any kind of relationship difficult to start and maintain. It makes you look at all people differently, always with a hint of suspicion or foreboding. We are unsure what's right, for ourselves and others, and morally. There's always this sense of never being sure if we can rely on our own senses. I think I've said it before, but I do consider you all part of my family.
I posted originally in the evening, and I immediately felt tired and was able to sleep. I woke up the next morning, (and this is why I wanted to wait, to see if it lasted) I had no nightmares. I felt refreshed and actually wanted to get out of bed. It has been the same since then. This is something I'd been having a problem with well before receiving the letter. I also had this strong sense of conviction that I do not want to reconnect or respond. It's rare that I feel strongly about anything without doubting myself. I imagined various events, holidays, and I felt no desire to take part. It felt like people I don't know.
I wanted to make sure this was not a decision out of fear, but the last couple days I have continued to feel strongly that this is a situation where any kind of response is going to result in a wildfire. I can tell that they were coming into it with a destructive kind of energy. Do you know how sometimes they say no response is the best response? I think whether I called to reconnect or to tell them no, it would have started something bad in motion. Like a power struggle.
As of now, I discovered they sent letters to multiple addresses, so it seems they don't know for sure where I live. They could assume I never received the letter. I think it's better that they not know, because any kind of action on my part that isn't exactly what they want me to do is going to go badly. It sounded like if I didn't respond to this, it was their final attempt to contact me.
Part of me is still scared that the lack of response will start something, because I think they thought they could bully me into it, and I don't know if they'll be satisfied with it not working, that lack of control. The family has shown before that they are willing to violate certain rules and laws to get what they want. But I still think it's the option with the least risk. I have always had a lot of safety measures at my home, so I'm not worried about that.
I do wonder if not responding is the right thing morally, because under most circumstances I would want someone to know so that they can have closure. I don't want to cause them pain regardless of what's happened. I'm hoping the fact that they said they wouldn't contact me again without response means that that they are prepared and it would still be closure for them.
The other strange thing I've been noticing is that I do feel this extra layer of closure myself that I never have before. I'm not feeling the usual resentment, hurt, or feelings about myself that have always been there in the background. They might come around at some point, but this feeling is definitely different. I feel a little more, valuable. I'm also not feeling as bad about my life in general, and I'm feeling more positive about the future.
I don't know if I said this before, but a week or so before I received the letter, I had done a very serious prayer/meditation for them. I hadn't done that in a long time. This one was hopeful, without the sadness and other feelings. I hoped that they would find true happiness, that they would be on a good path, and be well. This is part of the reason why at first I had wondered if it was some sign for reconciliation. But now I believe it was to give me true closure about myself so that I can finally let go and have a fruitful life.
Thank you for helping me through this. I've been going through some really hard things this year, but even though in the past I think I would have crumbled after such a letter, somehow things don't really seem so bad.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to reply. I think it's good to give yourself time to think.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It's always alright for you to write here Pieces. You aren't taking too much of anything. ❤️
@BlueDarkAurora
@mytwistedsoul
@BlueDarkAurora
