TK Reboot
A chat between two platonic friends from across the interwebs.
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Hey T
Hey K, how ya doing?
Lousy
What's going on? I think I'm finally feeling better... Finally. Fingers crossed
Does anybody hear her?
Why is that song your life? I feel mostly unheard too... But I want to hear you.
Because I’m invisible. Judged. Forgotten. Falling and falling and no one sees…
You really need better friends in your life outside of here. Except for the ones that joined us here. Do they or your mom help you feel seen?
Kinda. I don’t see them in person much tho.
Maybe you need to start a bad movie night or something and get the whole gang together. 😁 I know how it is with people having stuff going on, but making something fun part of the routine works sometimes.
I don’t really have a gang anymore :(
I meant Laurel and Sandra. 😜
I had a panic attack tonight
What happened? Are you ok?
Yeah, it finally calmed down. It was a little scary… I was really weak in my legs, and shaky, and I could hardly walk. :(
Yooo, that sounds awful. I'm glad you're doing better at least... What brought it on?
I had a headache and it felt weird. Different. It was nothing, but it caused a panic attack. Not fun…
I'm sorry .. I have a history of really bad panic attacks. I know what it's like, and it just doesn't feel good... I hope you don't have another one like that
My hand hurts :(
Take a break, and make it a fun one. Just be weird for a while, do some hand exercises, and come back refreshed. 😁
Weird?
I dunno, being weird comes naturally to me. 😂
Do tell ;)
I talk to myself in different voices. 😂 Or, I'll weird my dog out or something. One time I crawled by on the ground in front of her wearing sunglasses (I never wear sunglasses) and stuck my tongue out at her. She learned how to box with me too. I suck in my stomach and superflex my upper body so that I look like some kinda weirdo tough guy, and I'll punch at her (not hitting!) and she'll start knocking my hands down with her paws and pawing at me. 😁.
Why did you…? Nm XD
Lmao, I'm just naturally weird 😁
The crawling I mean lol
Same reason 😁
You would XD
I’m disgusted by my body.
For why?
I feel like a bloated whale
You're definitely not. The only thing that helps me when I feel like that is working out .. particularly walking, lots of it. That bloated feeling is no joke... I don't want you having to feel that way
I just feel… misunderstood. It’s not about the weight. I weigh nothing. But… it’s deeper.
I get that too. These things interconnect... But if you could pinpoint it...?
Wym
What really makes you feel like you're not understood, more than anything else?
People focusing on the physical and not the emotional
I get that, and I've probably missed the point before too. I want to focus on the parts that you want to focus on though
I just want to be in control again.
That's a good start . In control of what exactly?
How do I like guys and find them repulsive at the same time?
I've never had a satisfying answer for this, so maybe I'll try going with just how I feel today. First of all, you know what guys are capable of - good and bad, and guys are typically kinda powerful. Second of all, I'm going to be the first one to say that I'm repulsive... I'm the kind of repulsive that I can't keep up with, and won't ever be able to keep up with. I know what being a guy is like, and there's a lot of typical male behaviors that it's hard not to fall into.
Men can overpower me if they wish to. That’s scary…
You’re not repulsive.
It is. Though there's lots of ways to effectively fight...
...someone once told me that I don't take responsibility for my transgressions. He was right. I've been told things like "Your apology is neither necessary nor welcome.". Or "if you ever loved me, you'd get out of my life.". It's like there's two of me. I'm just holding something evil back from a world that's even more evil... Like a gatekeeper that occasionally just drops the keys into the cage "accidentally", just to get some rest, or just to shake things up. Dissociation... If that. Maybe I just don't want to remember when I stole a firearm from my dad and cashed out my bank account so many years ago. I don't know at this point. I wrote a poem about this, revamped from another one... Maybe that's the one I need to share... I want to be a good person but I know both the things I've done and what's been done to me... Those things can never be justified. That's why I feel repulsive.
How so?
You’re not repulsive to me. <3
I saw your poem :) What does it mean to you?
Those people who said those things are cruel. Don’t listen to them.
Pressure points, being unpredictable... It depends on the situation and who you are. Just gotta make sure to get somewhere safe!
I'm glad I'm not repulsive to you. ❤️😊 I try...
My poem means to me that... I've done a lot of things that are dangerous or irresponsible or just plain terrifying. A multitude of people have never been able to come back from doing less than I have. I'm trying to make the most of things, but... Sometimes I really get lost in not knowing what the effects of my actions are. I was at one of my lowest points earlier this year, and I thought I was better, but I proved myself wrong... On most levels, I probably didn't do anything actually wrong... But it doesn't feel right. I didn't even feel right about it at the time...
Maybe he was, at least in the way of being misguided... But it came from a place of deep sadness and disappointment in me. He was the only one of that friend group who would say anything to me at all...
Remind me to respond to this later when I have more time <3
Poke the dude in the eyes? That’ll disarm a guy immediately lol
You do a good job <3
Less than you have?
I wish I knew deets so I know what you meant…
Awww :(
Lol, true. I think there's lots you can do like that.
Thanks 😊 ❤️ you do too!
Yeah, what I meant is that I've done a lot of things that I've been able to come back from somehow, and some people might not be as lucky.
Uhh... I wasn't sure if you wanted the deets. 😅 I uh... Lawd... Um... Did stuff... With someone I had just met... Not totally vanilla... I was feeling soooo self-destructive at the time, with not being able to be here, and some other things going on...
So… it was because of me :(
Not at all. I don't see it that way. I maintain the opinion that what happened to us was really extreme and wasn't communicated beforehand. That's something I'm not going to let go of. I'm taking responsibility for my part though...
I shouldn’t have started it.
It is what it is. We make mistakes. Don't feel responsible for mine. I certainly don't hold you responsible. Your influence in my life has never fallen short of extremely positive.
Meh
😔 ...
Sorry. I was in a bad mood… I needed to eat. Ate a chicken salad sandwich <3
I haven't had one of those in a long time. I'm making Greek meatballs tonight.
I’m in meltdown mode rn
No meltdown. It's not your fault. You weren't insincere, others were. And it's not your fault that I'm crazy pants at best!
And whatever else is rolling around in your head, I'm here for you.
Not that
What's wrong?
I needed food. I just ate. I’m not a monster anymore XD
I guess it’s called hangry for a reason lol! But it was making me depressed. What’s the sad version called????
Ah, nice. 😁 I had Chinese buffet just now, and didn't eat to the point of hating myself. I think the sad version should be called hungersad.
Look! A small win! <3
Hungersad hehe
Lol, true.
It does have a ring to it doesn't it?
I didn’t overeat at lunch, either <3
Very nicely done! ❤️ We're both getting a little better then
My tummy hurts tho :(
Mine did too, I hope yours is doing better. Hungry, waiting on food now
It is. I wonder what damage I’m causing with all the overeating…
Nothing that can't be undone. Just keep a little confidence, we're both working on this. You might be doing a little better than me. I probably ate 2k calories for lunch alone. I went and shot 67 hoops in a row to make up for it. I wanted to do 100, but it is just too hot.
What did you eat?
Yeah, be careful in the heat. Hydrate. A lot. <3
Oh, I definitely did later. I ate the Greek meatballs I made. 😁 With rice. So, the biggest difference with those meatballs is that they have chopped mint and onions in them. It turns out, that's a brilliant idea. You also are supposed to serve them with Tzatziki sauce, but I didn't have enough yogurt to make the sauce happen properly. I still made something not too far from it.
Ooooooh yummy <3
I think…. I’ve started something good <3
Ooh, what is it?
I’ve been eating more fruit, not eating to the same point as I was, choosing more physical tasks at work <3
Those are good changes! I'm eating fruit too. And I've ugh... Taken up jogging again. Though, for some reason, I'm able to jog for several minutes before getting winded now. I thought I'd be having more trouble like I always have. My stamina for literally anything else has always been way higher than for jogging.
Yay!
I'm super proud of you too. What kinda fruit are you eating nowadays? I got some plums and kiwis
Awww Ty <3 Mostly red pears atm
I still gotta try those. They were pricy last I saw
What??? They’re so cheap here lol. Like 79 cents or something lol
I'll check again 😅
You live in a food desert? Hehe
Lol, not exactly. 😅 I just thought they were expensive. I don't remember exactly... It might have been a deal for more than one or something
They can’t possibly be THAT expensive. It’s not an exotic fruit lol
Lol, who knows... I'll have to see
My tummy’s been hurting lately… I think my overeating is taking its toll.
It may be that. Mine was like that last week. Seems to be better now, I hope .. hope yours gets better soon too
Thank you <3
We need new convo topics hehe
I was thinking the same thing 😅 I dunno what though. I didn't end up cutting down on Polish lessons like I said that I might. For some reason, my mind had a breakthrough, and I suddenly seem to guess things a lot better. I still don't understand the grammar rules very well though
Ask Sandra questions, she speaks Polish :)
I don't even know how to ask it. I don't understand how endings of words are decided. It seems so arbitrary. Like, a, e, é, i, y, ych, ow, ach, iem, em, am. It's so complicated.
Write that. Copy it. Ask her how it works. <3
Mebbe. Does she even get on here anymore? Haven't seen her in a minute. She still seems really cool to me
She doesn’t respond much, but I think she checks it :)
She really is :)
Jolly o.
Is it possible to end telemarketing?
Jolly. O. XD
Apparently not. I keep getting random texts about jobs, and also I need to contact them about toll fees. I’ve NEVER driven through one of those toll things XD
Oh, yeah, those are straight up scams...
I'm feeding the angry wolf today...
No. No angry wolf. Bad dog.
It doesn't need to be fed much 😅
Gonna need the tea lol
I was just in a mood, and I haven't been that angry in a while. I have a gigantic capacity for anger, so it was intense
What caused it?
Telemarketers calling my work phone constantly for weeks. I've tried dropping the calls, kindly asking to be put on the do not call list, messing with them in humorous ways, and today I started answering every call with "These parasitic calls are starting to take a toll on me psychologically.". I'm about to start BS'ing them in Latin and make them think it's a curse. Ooh, I also left one of their dialers on hold for about 45 minutes.
I've had to sit with one of those stupid headsets, so the last thing I want to do is be outright rude. I wouldn't mind making them want to quit at this point though. Increase their already sky-high turnover. This is war, apparently.
