TK Reboot
A chat between two platonic friends from across the interwebs.
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Do you know how dehumanizing and demoralizing it is to never be held? :’(
It really kinda is... And yeah, I do. I wish I could give you a hug. What about your mom? Moms have a healing touch, to some varying extent. My mom can't get enough hugs.
Not the same.
I know, I was just trying. : /
:’(
I'm not ok... Really, what good do I even do? It amounts to nothing. All this world is... Is abuse, after abuse, after abuse.
Loved ones tell me that the things I say scare them...
I just don't want to scare people I care about, and I don't want to share this world with abusers... I don't know what the point is at all anymore. I'm jagged, I'm dark, I'm sick... And I'm worried... So deeply worried... About Tiny... And countless others who I don't even know...
Awww Tor…
You’re there for me. And that means the world to me… My life would be so much darker without you <3
Things like what?
Scare them how?
Tiny is fine. She’s doing self-care. She pokes her head in every so often <3
Like who?
That's really nice to hear... ❤️ Likewise. That really actually helps right now.
I know, but when's the last time Tiny showed up anywhere here?...
I've said things that I probably shouldn't repeat here... My anger at things going on in our country is getting to the point where I'm trying not to self-harm, and I'm inwardly daring people around me to step out of line... I just can't stand for the cycles of abuse anymore, and someone is liable to find out the extent of that.
I had a full on BPD episode tonight... I'm lucky to be around someone who knows what it's like... I seriously don't know how I got through it without self-harming this time.
It does? <3
I don’t remember, but don’t worry about her. She’s fine <3
Please don’t hurt yourself or anyone else…
What does a BPD episode look like for you?
Who is it that knows what it’s like?
I’m so glad you didn’t self harm <3
I’m dealing with something… very scary. Uncomfortable. Adrenaline rushing. Trying to breathe and forget…. PTSD activated.
Thank you for being there. You help me breathe easier…
It really does. ❤️
I hope you're right... I mean, it's the timing too... With certain things happening... Maybe she's being extra protected right now...?
I'm really trying not to. I'm just losing sight of why I'm trying so hard...
A bpd episode for me can take a lot of forms, but the impossibly intense emotions are a big part of it. I do a lot better if people around me can stay calm... Even if it doesn't look like it.
My gf does... I've seen her go into one too...
Thanks, and... What brought the PTSD on? I'll reply more about that below
Tor?
You ok?
I’m not.
Check my two latest posts under general. But only if you’re mentally ready and ok.
I think you should start writing emotional posts and getting love and help from the group at large <3 What do you think?
I really hope that I don't make it worse... I know I've said the exact thing that you're asking people not to say... I'm sorry... I'm definitely not denying what you feel or go through. How are you doing now?
I don’t remember if you have.
I’m ok. Vented then fell asleep twice… Just cozy now. Not thinking about stuff. FB and Iron Chef helped, of all things.
I'm glad you're doing better. 😊
Heh, Iron Chef is actually a really fun show. I used to watch it a lot
I’m NOT doing well… :’(
My anxiety and pain and fear and PTSD are all active today… Trying to breathe and cope.
I can’t sleep yet… Too many things running through my head…
hugs. I hope you're doing a little better...
What's got you triggered on all of this?
Whatever the case, I got your back here
I’m sorry I haven’t been focusing on you… I’ve been struggling myself. How have you been doing? Are you safe? Are you ok?
I wish I could tell you…
I feel so alone.
:’(
You could tell me if you wanted. I'm here for you, no matter what.
Heh, you don't have to worry about not focusing on me. Safe? What's that?
Truthfully, I've been having a weird day myself.
If you wanna know... I remembered my first girlfriend telling me that "I was the only boy she ever loved". But... It got me thinking... I barely got to experience that love. Almost immediately, she got grounded and I didn't know what happened to her, I got semi-molested by some other girl for the first time, and also found out her neighbor was regularly raping her as soon as she came back. I don't remember most of our relationship after that... All I can remember is my anger at the guy who did that, and that she was trying so hard with me, and I was too immature to see it.
It explains a lot, and it's given me a lot to think about...
Again, though, we don't gotta focus on me. I'll get through that weirdness.
I can’t, this is too visible.
You have no… plans, right?
I’m so sorry…
Semi-molested?
We can absolutely focus on you. That’s what I’m here for <3 I care about you <3
I know it's visible, but... Sometimes you can get certain messages erased with help, right?
No, I don't have any plans.
Yeah, um... Just really aggressively coming on to me. I didn't expect it.
I don't know what else to say about me right now... I feel less and less like I can keep it together. Pretty much all night last night I was in the room with my door closed. I think I'm too tired to bother with much anymore.
Not worth it.
Good, I want you to be safe <3
I’m sorry :(
What did you do in your room? Do the guineas help?
Ok, I gotcha.
I played a video game mostly. The guineas aren't in my bedroom, but they help a lot. They exude so much love, playfulness, and gratefulness. The room that they're in is my dad's old bedroom. It used to feel really severe and haunted in there, but it almost never feels like that now that they stay in there. I always tell them that I love what they've done with the place. Nessa shows up in my dreams a lot too. I'm usually having to protect her, but she's been getting braver in my dreams, and actually started talking in the last one. I theorize that she's coming into my dreams as a guest somehow, and that she's learning that even a guinea pig isn't powerless in a world that rules dont apply. 😅 Or maybe I'm just weird
What game? Do you ever play the older stuff?
Why haunted and severe?
You’re not weird. You just feel loved and safe with your pets. That’s normal <3
Heh I do play the older stuff. I was actually playing a game called Romancing SaGa, and it's pretty old at this point. (It's an SNES game that was remade for PS2)
I dunno why haunted and severe, it just was. It always had been. It was probably my dad letting dark things in somehow.
Heh, I guess that's true. I mean... I love how they feel safe with me. There's this moment that happens when a guinea pig starts truly trusting you. Like, it's palpable. It can't be described, but it's like some invisible wall breaks, and you can suddenly feel the love. 😅
I’ve started journaling again :) My handwriting is nearly unreadable, but it’s a relief to write everything out. <3
I did too... Heh, same
Breathing’s getting easier…
Nice! How so?