TK Reboot
A chat between two platonic friends from across the interwebs.
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I wish I could stop eating… I ate so much tonight. Burritos, ice cream, BBQ chips, challah… What am I trying to drown? In my head? With food?
It's your body telling you that you need it, isn't it? I get that way too... I mean, I just want to eat forever or something... But don't feel bad about it, this isn't your fault. For it to be within your control, you have to fail your way to learning how to have that control.
Um, no. Lol
It’s my mind and body’s desperate attempt to cope with life…
Is it that desperate? It's your mind and body trying to find some joy to help through the coping. If it can just be lowered a bit, you'd be doing worlds better. I'm proud of ya for the snacks you've had lately!
Thanks… I’m just worried. Sad.
Still worried about the coworker thing?
Life. My health. My fear of losing everything and everyone I love.
I get that... I get a lot of anxiety from those fears too
I made a bunch of random drawings today/tonight, with the intention of coloring and shading them tomorrow at work. I’m not proud of some of them. I wanted easy ones, and they look kinda lame…
You don't have to keep the "lame" ones forever, but they still kept you busy didn't they? There's a lot you can learn from those too. Like, what you really do and don't enjoy about drawing, right?
They’re for Christmas cards. I’ll give a few of the best to my mom, but the rest will be given away.
I suppose…
Well, that's one constructive use. I used to do something like that too
How so?
I was too poor to get anyone gifts. And im scared of giving gifts anyway. So I made comics for people. At least a couple of friends really liked it. My mom and aunts did too
You should do it again this year <3
I honestly kinda don't like doing it anymore. Everyone else gets actual gifts... So I usually have someone go with me to make sure my gifts are good.
Why do you assume your gift choices aren’t great?
They haven't been liked before .. like, usually are, but still...
You need to get out of that head space.
Or, or... I could just try to stay out of the gift exchanges altogether 😁
...it kinda does make me anxious when people get me a gift. : /
Our friend who’s dying may be dead in the next day or two.
I'm sorry to hear that. :/
How are you doing with it?
Sounds bad, but I kinda wish it were over already.
It doesn't sound bad .. that makes a lot of sense. That last push can drain so much the closer you are to them
Wym
I felt that way when my dad was passing too. It makes sense. Sometimes knowing it's so close is exhausting
There’s been a lot of drama there too… I’d like that to end.
Drama with that person?
I’m sorry I’ve taken over these threads. I wanna talk more about you… Tell me stuff :)
Hmm. I dunno right now. I'm feeling a deep dissatisfaction right now. My stupid lump hasn't gone away yet... That kind of thing is worrying, and I know it can take time, but when I feel for it, I get so upset inside when I find it. It's making me dysfunctional in a way that I thought I was getting over...
And I'm tired of my job. To the point that I wonder if I should just do something else. I literally have to be perfect all the time. No one else has to, they have people to double-check them. Our front desk girl is in the habit of calling-out 1-2 days per week, which doubles our workload, and all my coworker across from me ever does is complain, and snipe work before I can even see it, and then she gets stressed because she has so much work on her plate. But worst of all is that people constantly complain to me about her. She's still my friend, and a really good help. Like, she's only missed one day over the course of three years, and I guarantee that none of us are even close to that kind of good track record.
Aside from that, I'm like maybe a day or two from finishing everything Duolingo has for Italian. And I've listened to all their Spanish podcasts on Spotify. I'm also writing yet another novel, which is fun to work on, but I don't know if I'll ever show it to anyone...
I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. Didn’t have the bandwidth…
Dissatisfaction, why?
How are you feeling about your lump now?
What’s your dream job?
Did you finish?
What’s the novel about?
Check my latest post in General Support… I went deep.
Did so. Dang, the first response you got was amazing
Oh. I was hoping for something a little deeper than “seconded”. :(
Well, my responses were blown out of the water honestly. But I think your post kinda put together a lot of things we've been talking about individually.
One thing I think you might want to do is draw a series of something, instead of all these individual ideas.
Also, your old friend, what else would you like to talk with him about soon if all is well?
I honestly forgot what post we were talking about. Lol
Lol, I think it was the drawing prompt request thing
My bullies were bullying me in my dreams last night too.
That sounds awful, what was happening?
I dont remember, but i remember who it was…
Who was it?
Couple of girls at work. Nothing exciting.
I feel kinda bleh inside. You around?
I am, but I'm vanishing soon. Very close to bedtime and so much to do... I just wish I could get by with less sleep
Go to sleep, things can wait
I'll pop in at least once more. I have that much time
You don’t have to stay up for me. Especially my griping and moaning…
Sall good, making one more round
You need to sleep… lol
Good morning. I still need to sleep. 😅 I didn't sleep well
Same. But mostly by choice…
I'm getting sooooo anxious at night lately... Last night wasn't good. Police lights are extremely triggering to me, and they were flashing the entire street because a cop had someone pulled over in front of people's houses when I was walking my dog. (Walking her late because it was so hot outside earlier). I was spacing out with resentful thoughts for hours.
Why are they triggering? And why resentful?
I'm resentful because this area is more than over-policed, it's downright harassment at this point.
Anyway, I've had bad experiences with them...
Something tells me you caused that. Lol
One time I did.
The other two times were not right on their part...
How so
They were literally hassling and profiling me. I got arrested for a pocket knife, and I had no idea it was "too long". The other time, I was driving tired and he immediately called two other cops over, they were really aggressive, searched my car without permission and he told me that they pulled me over for a tail light being out. The light was fine, they crammed it behind my license plate.
Too long?
Yeah, there's regulations which is fine, but I don't even know if it was past those, they were truly just being corrupt.
I didn’t even know they had regulations.
I didn't either. Now, every time I see their lights, I get mad. A bit of panic response too, but mostly anger.
Does the hurting ever end?
It does kinda... I used to get caught up in absolutely everything... I was nothing but emotions, and none of them good. By now .. I dunno, I feel like I've lived a plethora of lifetimes. once pain feels distant, it changes. Do you know what I mean? I still feel hurting all the time, I'm just... Really distractable
I feel it. I work myself to the bone. I never thought I’d call myself a workaholic, but here we are.
It's effective in its own way isn't it? I wonder if that's what my coworker has been doing...
Anyway, it's the only thing I know anymore... Hows it doing for you overall?
Your coworker?
I have bullies and can’t remake friends with my old best friend and I’m always upset about nothing. That’s how it’s going.
Yeah, she snipes work as soon as it comes up. Gives me much more freetime, but I don't want her wearing herself out for no reason. It's not like it gets us anything, we're paid on the clock.
You're going through plenty I think. It makes sense feeling upset when things might not be wrong, but aren't ever really right. Do people honestly not like you at work or something? You make it sound like they do like you sometimes, but I don't know why they'd want to bully you
Snipes work? Like grabs it?
I do the same, but it’s mostly me covering for my coworkers who don’t do it. I’m wearing myself out for no reason…
Most of them do. A couple don’t. I feel the “don’t” more than the “do”.
I haven’t exactly made myself likeable lately. I’ve been moody and snappy for a thousand reasons, and also for no reason. The fact that more people don’t hate me is a blessing. With how cranky I’ve been, more should hate me…
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Maybe you should slow down just a little, it might help you feel calmer in general? My stress from work seems to carry pretty far.
Cranky people at work are pretty understandable, wouldn't you say? I dunno, I usually feel like I get it, unless someone gets excessive with it. I'm probably not that likeable either... I usually just want to tune people out when it's in person at work. 😅 I can probably be a bit hard to read too.
I keep trying to slow down… But that’s not me.
Maybe not, but maybe it needs to be part of you. Maybe you need one day a week where you totally switch your pace up, and let your mind catch up to things that you'd have otherwise missed along the way
Torean…
??? I'm right here and I care so much. You sound like you're having a really bad night, and I wish I had been here sooner
I just wanna stop feeling. And stop coping like this.
What are you feeling that you want to be stopped?
Maybe focus on just deep breaths. A lot of them. Deep breaths to the point that you can't deny the endorphins
Idk what im even feeling. Or… if. Idk anything anymore, I don’t trust anyone anymore, I am suspicious of everyone
Suspicion is good in moderation. Trust seems... Abstract. At least for people who have been hurt. I mean, I'm not proud about a lot of things about myself, but I don't ever want to add reasons for your distrust.
How would you?
I wouldn't! I hope! I mean, I can't even keep up with all the harm I've caused people, even while having good intentions. I'm getting better all the time though, and all of this is at a distance. It's positivity to stay.
I’m glad you’re back.
Likewise 😊😊❤️
Note to anyone reading this: Heart emojis do not equal flirting. Nor does us saying that we’re glad the other is back equal dating.
It’s a pity I feel I have to say this all the time… Not that I don’t deserve it tho.
It has nothing to do with being deserved. That said, still not flirting or dating, nor will we be. I should probably cool it with that particular emoji.
I love doing hearts. Although it can easily be misinterpreted. I promise that if I do hearts, it’s not flirting.
Same same
You wouldn’t be proud of me tonight.
Whatcha mean? I'm always proud of you, I always will be
There’s no reason to be.
I binged again.
There's every reason to be... But, I don't even need a reason!
And no worries, those are gonna happen. You've just gotta take stock of anything you can try using against those urges
Meh. Not lately.
Idk why I’m even doing it. I wasn’t even hungry when I started. Haven’t been feeling great. I wonder why rolls eyes
It's a thing you have control over that can bring you momentary better feelings. That's a natural thing too.
That’s… exactly what it is. Control. And good feelings. Idk exactly how to explain it
I think it's one of the deepest things that no one ever talks about because it's so hard to explain. It goes to a lot of things besides eating too. Bringing this to a tangent... I sorta feel like people, similar to all animals, are wired to put most of their seriousness into survival. When we have to be so serious about all these other things, it's no wonder that we get so stressed.
I’m confused.
Temporary controllable joys like eating. I feel like deep down, we just want to have most of the day to play and relax.
If I have too much day to relax, I get restless… But then, maybe it’s partly because I don’t do enough play.
It's hard to play enough when you already feel down and restless. Just having the time isn't enough. That's something I forget from when I was alone a lot more often. We seem to have a lot in common with this, so do you ever feel guilty for enjoying things on your own? Sometimes I feel like I should be with friends or something, even if I just did that.
No, I love being alone XD I do, however, feel guilty for resting.
Hmm, that makes sense. I wish I could just love being alone. It's really fun at first, and then I get gradually weirdly dysfunctional
How so?
I dunno, I just feel like I haven't done enough or something.
Me all the time.
I think mine is rooted in loneliness, but totally same concept. Ugh, it's difficult isn't it?
Yep. I just end up as a ball of depression and laziness and exhaustion and sad when left to myself too long.
It happens so easily to me too... And I'm usually the opposite of depression outside of that. Depression hit me hard though today... I didn't get much sleep, and I feel like my dream just kinda made me sad.
I’m sorry… what dream was it?
I was just super promiscuous in my dream, and I still lived in my old apartment complex. One of them. I have sad dreams about that place a lot lately... Like I'm living there again, but it's delapidated kinda.
Dude… that’s so deep. Do you see the hidden meaning? You feel like you’ve gone back to your old life. And it feels broken down and yucky…
Maybe so. I'm dead sick of the lonely dreams about that era, because I was so very lonely. Those dreams still sting. The promiscuous part... Well, I wish I could say I was past that. I sort of am, but... it's not that easy. I still have the notions, nearly constantly