A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
Sending lots of strength and peace. You are understandably worn out.
I am hoping that once you return to school that things will feel a bit more smooth. Right now it feels as though all the fear of what is going to happen next is overwhelming you. You kind of just need for the exams to start happening.
You will do the best you can with the circumstances. That will be enough. Hopefully then things will feel just a bit better. You can do this.
@bestVase7265 thanks. i'm done with my social studies (history, political science, geography and economics) exam today. it didn't exactly go well. the paper was actually pretty easy. but i hadn't studied, so no wonder i messed up. plus, i was so sleepy during the exam. i went to bed at 2:30 am and got up at 6. and i wasn't really even feeling well, my hands felt so weak (happens a lot when i'm too sleep deprived) so my handwriting was awful. and spelling lol, spelling can be hard to make out in messy handwriting but i just hope it's fine because this is not an english exam and the teachers wont deduct marks for wrong spellings.
and i came home and realised that i got at least 2 mcqs wrong. one i got right by guesswork. i dunno about the rest. for the longer answers i really dont know if i'll get marks for the crap i've written. i literally just wrote whatever came to my mind, because i really hadnt studied. for history, i never read the textbook for myself, i just had my mother explain the chapters to me. for political science, my mother explained half the chapter to me and i was supposed to read the rest by myself but i never did. for geography, my mother explained half the chapter and i was supposed to read the whole thing by myself and that's what i was trying to do last night but my concentration was gone and i couldnt do it. and i didnt even open my economics textbook until 6:20 am this morning. my mother didnt explain anything, i didnt read anything. i just tried reading bits and pieces this morning but i dont think it helped.
tomorrow i have english. i dont want to mess up my english exam. i have 5 lessons and 2 poems to read thoroughly go through the notebook and revise grammar. and it's getting late. almost 11 pm. i have so much to do.
oh, and look, during the exams this time, we have to sit with 8th graders. their exam gets over at 10 am. ours gets over at 10:15 am. so i dunno how i'm supposed to use the last 15 minutes to write. the 8th graders start taking and making noise and the 9th graders start whispering. it's distracting. i am especially worried about maths because my maths exam generally gets over at the last minute. i think the school is pretty stupid to do this to be honest. our exam is 50 marks. theirs is 40. we need more time.
okay, this is random but during lunch today my mother and i were talking. she was in a good mood and we were just talking. i was talking about how our invigilator was observant enough (as in not being able to hear some extremely obvious whispers). and then about how the different invigilator who comes for like 15 minutes in between was really bad. like very very bad. he was talking, asking random questions (like "who teaches you this subject?"), having students answer them, laughing and even talking in hindi (i go to an english medium school and teachers arent supposed to speak to students in hindi/marathi unless they are teaching the language). and you know it, is the invigilator is like that, students will obviously take advantage on it and cheat.
then my mother asked "isn't the vice principal's son in your class? does he not report any on this to his father?" and i go "why would he ever report it? he himself cheats and i know it really well. i remember in the previous french exam, there was an out-of-portion question that the whole class got wrong (as far as i know), except for him. he must have copied from his 10th grade bench partner, that's the only way he could know. because i doubt that he'd learnt it somewhere outside school and remembered it in the exam. plus, he went wrong with the things that were in the portion and discussed in class a million times. (i know he went wrong with them because he was showing around his paper during paper viewing time). if let's say he learnt it at his tuition class and remembered, how did he not remember the stuff that's been done in school so many times? how does his memory even work? he has to have copied. so why would such a person not like a talkative, inattentive invigilator?"
and then my mother goes "your logical reasoning is really good! you should study either philosophy or law. the way you analyse and put everything together is really good."
now, that is really good to hear. i felt good hearing that my mother likes at least something about me and she said it. i like hearing such stuff from her. but i dont get what she really means. what logical reasoning? like i dont know, i just think a lot and i dunno the rest. i dont understand this. and what even is philosophy? and why does she even suggest i should study either that or law? plus, i really dont think becoming a lawyer is what i wanna do with my life.
What's done on those other exams is done and all you can do is focus on the English one. I bet that you will do well on that.
Sorry about the talking during the exam, but I liked the conversation that you had with your mother about it. She is right about you having high quality logical reasoning skills. Those kinds of skills are indeed very valuable in the adult world. What she means is that you think carefully about what is being done and why people are doing it. Some of your conclusions about yourself have got some errors, but the key is that you are watching carefully to look for the reasons why things are happening. Yes, the legal world is a possibility, but I am starting to think that you might really enjoy studying psychology so you could help other people too. The brain is actually really complicated and there are lots of ways of studying how brains grow and are shaped both by experiences and by the chemicals in them. It is a field that also involves lots of logical reasoning. You can ask questions like "why did the baby pick up the blue toy rather than the red one?" or "why does exercise release pleasure brain chemicals?" Philosophy is also really interesting but it goes even wider in terms of asking questions about why people exist and how they act in society. But all of these fields are things that you can start looking into as you get older. It is nothing to worry about now. All you need to do right now is keep your eyes and ears open for moments like today. They will guide you in the path to follow. It is a lot less frightening to think about the future in this way than to let it scare you. You are developing cool skills that can be used in a variety of different ways. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i didnt finish my exam today. had four more words left to write. my last sentence of the story writing question ended with "when i". i dunno how many marks i'll lose for that. i four words left to write "was in 2nd grade". i tried hurrying up but couldn't make it. the comprehension took up too much of my time and grammar, literature and writing all had to be done in so little time.
and also, i gave the exam without even looking once over 2 entire lessons. the ones that i did read yesterday or today morning too, i never read properly. so i don't what if i'll be marked for the nonsense i've written based on whatever was left in my memory.
why am i doing this? exams would be so much less stressful if i just studied. but also, i wonder, how do i even somehow manage without studying? how, just how? like i don't score well but i do generally score better than most others (except in maths). do they study even less than me or what really happens? how can i just write whatever comes to my mind and still gets marks sometimes?
random question, do you think my english sounds good? my mother told me today that my english is really good. but i don't think it is. i feel like it's nothing very good, but just fine. i mean, my vocabulary is pretty poor in my opinion and i forget grammar when i'm talking on 7 cups. is it bad for me to ignore grammar here when i talk to much here? should i start talking keeping grammar in mind, especially capitalisation and punctuation? i mean, i do that just fine when i handwrite to type anywhere but 7 cups, but i dont know if this could still be bad for me.
and good news, doing maths so far hasnt resulted in any yelling. and my mother told me to not worry about my marks. she says that i just need to stay calm when i'm solving and work with whatever that i do know. apparently if i just apply all that correctly, i will definitely get over 40/50 is what she says. but that's the hard part. i panic a lot during maths exams.
Lots of good stuff here really. Why do you do fairly well on exams compared to others even if you don't complete all the readings - you are quite bright. I know you don't believe that, but as an instructor I can tell. Now you won't always be able to get away with not reading as things get more complex as you get older and you get highly stressed when you don't do the work, so I don't advise you continue doing that. But you are smart. That is obvious.
As far as maths goes, your mom is right about that. I know it panics you, but if you keep calm and take a deep breath or two when the panic starts you should probably be pretty good.
Writing so much on 7 Cups is definitely improving your English. Your grammar might not be perfect, but you know how to get ideas across quite well. That is a very important skill. The key to language ultimately is fluency - getting to the point where you can write and speak almost without thinking about how to write the next phrase. That you can do. Grammar is something you can work on in terms of capitalization, but that is more about paying attention to it when you are doing formal writing. You can start to do that a bit with 7 Cups to practice so grammar becomes more natural, but I wouldn't force it too much. You will get there.
I am glad that your mom continues to be a bit more supportive for a second day. It may not continue but it is a blessing as long as it lasts.
last night i went to bed relatively early (around 12:40 am). i fell asleep soon after, luckily. and i had asked my mother to wake me up at 5:15 am because i had stuff left to study and i was too sleepy at night. but i woke up 10 minutes before i had to, and i was so wide awake and panicking. it was so bad this morning and nothing was helping. it was so hard to study. i tried laying down and sleeping for like 15 minutes but couldn't. just nothing helped.
luckily during the exam though i was pretty calm. and it wasn't that hard either. yeah i definitely went wrong with a few questions and i left a lot of questions half-done because i ran out of time. plus, i was panicking a lot during the last 15 minutes. anyway, being done with it is was a huge relief.
but i cam home and realised i forgot my pouch and geometry box is school, probably under my desk. i feel so bad about it. what if it's not there tomorrow and someone steals it? all my important stationery will be gone. i feel horrible.
i tried napping in the afternoon and i could hardly sleep at all. i don't understand what's going on but i couldn't sleep. then when i had to get up, i just got up and did nothing all evening. wasted all my time.
i have so much to study and and really don't feel like i can do it anymore. i don't feel like studying. the only two things i want to do are to lie in bed and cry my eyes out and hopefully fall asleep some day, or stand in the balcony in the cold and see the moon. i hate studying. i don't want to study. i'm a mess and the last thing i want to do is study. i don't think i have a choice. i need to study, i really do. but i don't want to.
i'm crying right now. okay maybe i'll do a little and then go to sleep and do whatever i can in the morning. i need to get to school early tomorrow though so to increase my likeliness of finding my pouch and geometry box before someone steals it.
i'm so sleep deprived. like i haven't slept more than 4.5 hours at night since saturday. i don't know how i'll manage like this. daytime naps arent helping either.
my exams get over on friday. i wish i could come home on friday and just sleep, but i cant. i have to go buy clothes for my birthday and i hate shopping for clothes, it takes ages to find something i like and feel comfortable in. so i wont be able to sleep all day on friday after the exam. my birthday's on saturday and i don't want to spend my birthday sleeping half the day, you know? and on sunday i have to work on completing my incomplete work so i don't keep falling behind on schoolwork, and i also have to do that stupid internship photo thing i still haven't done. so when do i even sleep?
i'm setting myself up for a huge decline in my marks for french. i have hardly studied at all today. and i'm supposed to revise all the grammar we've learnt so far and that's so much. it's 12:48 am. i cant do it anymore. i'm going to bed now and leaving almost everything for the morning. this time my friend's gonna beat me this time when it comes to marks for french. i don't think i can avoid that anymore if i just wont study. i'll try to wake up early tomorrow i guess.
Listen, having so many exams in a row is hard. You are exhausted and that is understandable. Just do the best that you can for the last few days. Take lots of deep breaths during the tests.
You are trying to sleep and that is good even if it doesn't always work out. Again, until the exam stress is over you won't be able to relax enough. That is okay.
If you could have a good birthday what would it look like? I tend to actually enjoy pretty quiet birthdays where I just don't worry about my usual responsibilities. We also use spread things out quite a bit. Maybe your mom would agree to wait a few days on the birthday shopping, maybe next week. She is going to know how exhausted you are after the exams and that you don't particularly like shopping. So resting on Friday sounds like a good option so you can have a nice day on Saturday. At least you aren't taking a test on your birthday this year. Are there special foods that you have on your birthday? Happy early birthday!!! I am going to keep wishing you a special one.
@bestVase7265 yeah, it's really hard. but these are unit tests and they're always in a row with no breaks or study leaves. for term exams (like we had in september and will have in march), we get study leaves before each exam.
i so regret not studying yesterday. my exam today, especially the grammar section could've been so much easier if i just studied.
i studied a bit today though. i have lots more to do but i dont feel like it and i don't wanna go back to watching youtube so i guess i'll just talk here if it's okay. might talk a bit too much about my birthday. i guess i used to consider it a wonderful special day and used to be excited for it. but not anymore and it feels weird. sorry if i'm making such a small thing into such a big deal and such a mess. but things are just so different this year...
i don't see why i should bother thinking about if i could have a good birthday. i can't, i really can't. a birthday is just a stupid reminder and i'm growing older when i really dont want to. it cant be good. thanks a lot for wishing me though.
okay, so for not worrying about usual responsibilities, for me that would be schoolwork and cleaning my room. i still have to tidy my room, i dont want it to be dusty and messy. and i wanna do something fun that keeps me distracted from everything that comes with possibly a very sad, disappointing day.
and the clothes shopping cant wait. i need something new to wear on saturday. in my family, we're supposed to wear new clothes on out birthday and i don't have anything completely new. so i need to buy something before my birthday so we can wash and dry it for me to wear on the day. new clothes, special food and temple visits are some stuff that just has to be done for birthdays in my family, especially for mine. luckily i managed to get out of having to eat fish, that's something you need to have on birthdays, in most bengali families.
yeah she was talking about how it will be hard to shop if i'm sleepy and said we should have done it during winter holidays. but we didnt so now we have nothing to do. normally we buy clothes a bit in advance but this year it's been left for the last moment. so i cant rest tomorrow after the exam.
i think the only good thing about my birthday this year is that i don't have an exam on it. and because i'll be 15, i'll be able to become a listener on 7 cups (though i'm not sure if i should do that when i have so much school stuff to manage). the rest, i dont hope for anything good. my mother's probably just gonna keep talking about how i just have 3 years left and stuff. i hate her saying that. i'm pretty there is no magic that'll happen in 3 years and i suddenly wont be a child anymore. i dunno what plans she has.
anyway, i won't be surprised if my parents dont give me any birthday present this year. no, not at all. you see, i've been complaining about my bed a lot and how i dont like how hard it is. so a few weeks ago my parents kinda tried getting the mattress topper fixed saying it would soften my bed. well, guess what? it didnt. so my mother told me she'll find me something new that's soft, by my birthday as sort of a birthday gift. i knew she wouldn't be able to do that but i didnt say anything.
i casually brought it up today because i am fed up of my bed and she's like "oh, i didnt have time for it." i wasn't surprised. i just asked "fine, so anything else for my birthday this time?" and she said "we'll go to buy clothes tomorrow. what else do you want?" and it wasnt her asking me, it was in the "you have everything you need" tone.
i stayed silent. as far as i remember, every year till my 11th birthday, i woke up to different kinds of surprises on my birthday. then for the next three years, she'd ask me about what i wanted and i didn't mind telling her or writing it down for her, even though it meant that it wouldn't be a surprise anymore. no such questions this year, and her tone definately says something. guess i'm just growing up?
every year i get new clothes for my birthday. not once has it been considered my birthday gift. not ever. and now after all these years, i have to consider clothes a gift? well, okay. i guess i must learn to do that. i must learn that i'm not a kid anymore to get birthday gifts. fine. and you know what? i dont want anything. i dont want anything that she doesnt really want to give me. i dont want anything given out of compulsion, just for the sake of doing it. i really, really dont want anything.
okay i should stop talking now. i need to study and sleep. science exam tomorrow have tons left to study.
I am going to probably keep my answer a little short tonight, but I am going to begin again with "Happy early birthday!"
I know that birthdays as you get older never feel as magical. But they gradually turn into something else that you can really appreciate. It just takes a few years of transition for that to happen. For me, if we can eat out somewhere nice for my birthday, that's usually enough. I try to do a little less schoolwork and chores but I never escape them completely. This year I got a pair of binoculars which have been really nice for looking at birds. But that's it. The best part of a birthday is spending an hour or two of more relaxed time together.
Your mom may not know how to handle your birthday as you get older either. I know that I need more ideas now of what my kids want so I don't disappoint them. But we keep things pretty small.
We don't have any tradition of new clothes for birthdays but if I needed something that would be a good time to ask. I can understand that it is a bit of tradition where you are and it makes sense. Maybe think in terms of something simple so you don't have to spend too long looking. Trying a different color might be nice.
For your birthday the best thing will be having your exams complete. That is going to feel like a relief no matter what. Focus on that moment of happy.
Yes, getting older is scary and has more responsibilities. But you also get many more choices and freedoms. You can do more on 7 Cups. You can decide classes that you don't want to take anymore at a bare minimum. You have to spend less time with your parents. These are things to look forward to. Will there be hard moment? Of course. But there will also be better ones. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 hehe thanks!
well i dunno what i'm doing tomorrow but i hope it goes fine. my mother and i are supposed to watch a movie, though we don't know what. she'll probably look for something tomorrow. so schoolwork tomorrow lol.
"But they gradually turn into something else that you can really appreciate. It just takes a few years of transition for that to happen. For me, if we can eat out somewhere nice for my birthday, that's usually enough." i appreciate you saying that. it helps. ooh and a pair of binoculars sound amazing, i'm happy to hear about that.
yeah, my mother doesn't know what to do. but she said we can go out tomorrow and get something. it's not confirmed but if it does happen, that might be nice. i dunno. that would probably be something small but whatever. maybe transparent nail polish because i want that. i guess for some of the other things i want, i can just ask for them sometime randomly and hopefully get them. like a new pillow because my current one is super old and has flattened out, and a new table lamp because my current one is not bright enough to study with just that on. or maybe tomorrow might be a good time to tell her that i really want those two things? i dunno.
"Maybe think in terms of something simple so you don't have to spend too long looking. Trying a different color might be nice." oh, that is exactly what makes it a problem. the simple kinda stuff i want is apparently not just what people in general want. i want something that's comfortable, and plain and simple with some basic patterns. i am not okay with the fancy, sparkly, uncomfortable kinda stuff most people like wearing, and that makes it a problem. most of the tops we found were too see-through or too short. and i like covering up my body well with simple, more "old-fashioned" kinds of tops/t-shirts. and *full* pants. colour isn't usually a problem though. just i don't like too light colours, or too bright colours, and not all black. everything else works.
"Yes, getting older is scary and has more responsibilities. But you also get many more choices and freedoms." yeah but which of them is more? freedom or responsibility? "You can do more on 7 Cups." umm do you think i should do that? what if i start spending too much time here? "You can decide classes that you don't want to take anymore at a bare minimum." that's not until 11th grade. "You have to spend less time with your parents." actually i want to spend time with them, but only when they're in a good mood.
my exams are over. where the helll is that inatant relief that's supposed to come over?! nothing. just nothing. i still feel stressed. and my exam was awful like really awful. we got questions on stuff that isn't even there in the textbook or was taught in class. and there was this physics numerical that i just couldn't solve. so there go 3 marks flying away.
and now i have to change, eat and go out on a last minute quest for clothes. too many specifications, you know. finding clothes that fit me and ones that meet all my specifications and i like them... is... i don't even know what to call it. and i don't feel like today i have the patience for that. i dont want to do this.
and i also have to clean my room and wash my hair after i get home.
we managed to get something. the whole process was awful. really awful. i hate today's fashion tends. they make it so hard to find clothes that would like and that would look good on me, being the ugly person i am. i have way too many specifications, you know. my mother's not happy. it took too long and it was horrible. but we found something. the pant needs alteration though. it's too long for me. tomorrow i'll have to wear it and let it sweep the floor. and buying a top was so hard. we hardly had any options. the shopkeepers were getting so annoyed with me not liking anything. we looked at sooo many tops and t-shirts to finally have to buy a t-shirt i don't even like. but at least it has sleeves of an appropriate length of two-thirds of my upper arm. i hate anything shorter than that but most t-shirts tend to have either very short sleeves, or full sleeves, which i am not a fan of.
but whatever, we sound something. and there was also this pyjama set i liked and my mother decided to get that for 14th april (bengali new year, another day to wear new clothes). yeah, that's a while from now but since i liked it, she decided to buy it in case that time i don't find anything i like.
and my mother told me that she will never go looking for a top and pant for me ever again because of all that happened today. from now on, i'll have to wear kurta and leggings, because pants and tops are too hard to find. and the store we went to today, we won't go there ever again, she says. and i don't want to go there either.
Ok, I am going to get to as much of this as possible, but I start again with "Happy Birthday week!"
None of the bad clothes shopping is really your fault. You are allowed to have your own style that doesn't match what everyone else is wearing. I totally get your need to wear things that are comfortable and cover your body. I like that kind of stuff too. If the shops don't have it then that is wrong of them. It is easy to become overwhelmed by all the choices until everything seems wrong. That has happened to me too. It helps a bit for me when I get things online. But sometimes I panic when I shop too. You did find the pyjamas. That matters.
And the stress from the exams doesn't let up necessarily when you want it to. In your case, it fed directly into the shopping stress and made that worse.
Getting some sleep will make everything better.
I do like the idea of asking for the lamp and pillow. There are a variety of ways to make yourself comfortable. I think that your room is right now a better place for you to feel good about yourself than your own body, if that makes sense. It is probably easier for you to design that space the way you want than the clothes that you put on your body. But the transparent nail polish also sounds fun.
I also love the idea of going out to a movie. That would be quite relaxing. Is there any special food that you like on your birthday? Those are the kind of things that you can focus on to make the day go better.
I think that you get an equal number of freedoms and responsibilities. The key is that you eventually get to balance them. That happens slowly, but it is going to work out for you. You will also get to decide more how much time you want to spend with your parents.
For now, focus on having a good birthday (or as nice as it can be).
@bestVase7265 thanks again hehe. been getting a lot of happy birthday wishes today lol. i think i'm having a pretty good birthday so far.
and i never asked for it, but my mother gave me a birthday card and wrote me a letter!! it makes me so happy. currently i'm just super happy about her doing this for me. this is all i need. now i am actually completely fine if i don't get anything else from her. but i will deal with tbe contents of the letter later. mighy need your help with that because it's pretty complicated and i don't really understand and it makes me overthink.
anyway, yeah, it's going well. by the way, we never go out for a movie. that's so expensive and you can only watch the movie once. we watch it at home on youtube movies or amazon prime. that hardly costs anything (almost everything under 200 rupess which is practically nothing compared to movie theaters) and we can watch it as many times as we want within 48 hours from when we start watching the first time. usually i watch every movie thrice to truly understand it.
"yeah, it's going well" i said that too early. because it's not anymore. my mother's mad at me. really mad at me. she shooed me away from the kitchen. yelled at me. blamed me for being the reason she couldn't finish all her chores today. made me clean the sofas, fill water bottles, keep running to the kitchen to help her... because i messed up her schedule.
it's my birthday, so many people wished me a happy birthday, i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to have fun. but i'm not. i just am not. i don't understand what's wrong with me i feel so stupid. i am mad at myself. i want to cry. it's 8:26 pm and the only thing i want to do is to get into bed and go to sleep. forever.
my mother. she's so hard to understand. she writes all this great stuff to me. how i wish she just treated me better instead. her writing might have helped a lot this one morning, but her treatment brings me down a lot more. i know she's trying, but why does she have to be like this?
okay, now i really need help figuring out this letter. it's long and it'll take time to type it out, so i'll do it tomorrow. till then, just a few questions. what exactly is happiness? and do we need any external thing to be happy? if yes, what? if no, what then can make us happy? and what's up with depression and happiness?
because my mother says "society does not teach children to become happy, because most people do not know what is happiness. they think you will be happy when you have certain things in your life. reality is that you do not need any external thing to be happy. we are born with happiness within us but we have conditioned ourselves to not feel that inate happiness."
almost 2 am. been laying here for an hour...crying and crying and crying. everything hurts. i wanna k1ll myself.
why is sleep so hard? i fell asleep sometime after 2 am and now its 7:26 am and i'm awake and cant go back to sleep.
First of all, happy real birthday one more time. You deserve it.
Focus on the beginning part of the day where your mom sent you a card. It means something that she took time to do it even if the message was confusing. What happened later was your mom's lack of control over own anger. Period. She doesn't make much of an effort with this and every time she gets tired or overwhelmed she blames you. She is impossible to understand because she has no control. Should she have control? Yes, but you can't somehow magically give control to her.
Should that have happened on your birthday, absolutely not. Should you have extra chores on your birthday, absolutely not. But if you can try really hard to take it out of the day and recognize how often you got good birthday wishes then the day might feel a little better. I know that I am not offering much here, but I watched in your message how you internalized it all and then started thinking badly about yourself. That is the only thing that you can control in such a situation.
I look forward to hearing more about the letter, but let me try to answer your happiness questions. To me happiness is always based in you rather than anything else anyone else does. That's what makes happiness with depression hard. Hard, but not impossible. The key is realizing really fully that you aren't dependent on whether your mom yells or your friends at school. Those moments can be really hard but they don't have to destroy you. T
hat being said I fully get how hard what I am saying is. My husband was upset this evening and it was walking on eggshells around him for quite a bit and that tension made me nervous. Or I can see my depression in imaging a world where I have to live with President Trump for another 4 years. He thrives on being a stupid, angry bully and I despise bullies. So I am currently having trouble getting going in the morning because I am depressed, scared and angry. But I know what fighting back towards happiness is - simply trying again to have a better day and watching and celebrating those moments that are okay. That is how I defeat depression.
You have it harder because you live in a tense, angry household all the time. Finding your mom's "innate" happiness is harder. She is right, but her actions don't make that easy for you to locate. Does any of this help or make sense? You are asking solid philosophical questions that aren't easy to answer.
One of my colleagues teaches a class called "The Burden of Happiness". It is about how society tells us we have to be happy all the time. That also isn't true. Happiness comes and goes. That's okay. The key is to have more happy than not so happy. You are going to figure out how to get there.
i'm struggling so much again. i didnt sleep much. i feel really down. the thoughts are getting bad. i don't feel like doing anything. i have so much to do. i simply don't want to do anything. i'm stuck.
i hate school. i hate my mother. i hate myself. i hate life.
my father is making me miserable. blaming me for the slow computer. and he's so disorganised. i hate him.
back in 2020 i work on making this 1 hour 24 minute video all by myself. i recorded myself acting and singing, had so many video and audio clips and edited it all into one video to as a story. i put so much effort into it. and you know i was 10 years old at the time, in 5th grade, and had lots of free time to do such things. and we had online classes during that time so i got to experiment with the computer and do all sorts of things. so yeah, i made this video in august of 2020.
the problem is, i was never able to download the edited video. there was something wrong with the format. so i could view it on the video editor but never download it. so it stayed that way for years. but now, my father wants to clear up to computer and update it because it's very slow and wont support a lot of stuff. i might just have lost all those clips thanks to my father's imaptience.
I have a blazing headache tonight so I apologize if anything comes off wrong or if I am a little shorter than usual.
I can understand based upon what happened yesterday that you need some more time to process and feel better. Birthdays actually put lots of stress on you to be "happy" and they trigger many people who have depression.
As far as the video and your dad...can you currently still view the clips? What would happen if you videotaped the clips with your phone before he deletes them? There might be a way to keep them or at least parts of them. I can understand why you don't want to lose them. Sending peace. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 sorry about the headache. i really hope it gets better soon.
no, i cannot currently view the clips. they're gone. just gone. there's a chance it would be there somewhere, but i don't know. and i cant videotape almost 1.5 hrs, can i? if it got saved on his onedrive then it's there. or it's gone forever. which makes me want to go forever. i just cant let it go, it meant so much to me.
i am so ashamed of myself. i hate myself. today we got out history and political science papers back (it's one paper corrected by one teacher). and i scored *horribly*. i mean HORRIBLY. 19/25 total. for history, it's 10/13 and for pol science it's 9/12, which makes it 19/25.
everyone i know got at least 21/25. even the ones who i see taking everything casually and i've never seen then study. everyone got more than me. and i'm here at 19/25. this is so embarrassing. i have to hide it from everyone now because i cant bear to tell anyone this.
last time i didn't study and got 39/40. this time i didn't study and for 19/25. i wrote total crap in my paper. just whatever came to my mind. and i didn't read the textbook so i don't know any specific stuff and just wrote some generalised stuff i thought i knew.
in history, i got one mcq wrong and lost another two marks for not mentioning details. like i wrote germany lost it's land population etc etc in the war but i have no idea how much of what it lost and who really took the land and whatever. so now my marks went flying away.
in political science, i got an entire 3 mark question wrong. i hadn't studied it so i just wrote some nonsense and we are supposed to write one point for every mark. i got three big cross marks for each of the points i wrote. i checked the textbook. i wasn't technically wrong but i was too general, no details or specifics. and i didn't want to talk to the teacher about it because the teacher can be very sarcastic and hurtful, and also i don't think i deserve my marks. so i have to sit with a 19/25 and cry about it.
"Why do you do fairly well on exams compared to others even if you don't complete all the readings - you are quite bright. I know you don't believe that, but as an instructor I can tell." i used to do fairly well without studying. i used to be smart. i'm not anymore. i am definitely not. and there's only so much smartness can do for you if you don't know any of the facts. you cant make them up, can you?
"Now you won't always be able to get away with not reading as things get more complex as you get older and you get highly stressed when you don't do the work, so I don't advise you continue doing that. But you are smart. That is obvious." no i'm not smart. i am extremely stupid to waste way my life and not study. how could i waste away an entire winter break and not study? i have to be the stupidest person on earth to do this.
but you're right i cant get way with not studying anymore. it's not working anymore. i badly need to study. i used to be such a good student. i used to work hard, i used to do homework on time and study well. i just cant get myself to do it anymore. i hate myself. i wanna k1ll myself. i am fed up of this. WHAT THE HEL IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHY CAN'T I JUST STUDY?!?!
final exams are in march. for those, we have the entire syllabus. i mean everything we have learnt right from april. i have a month and a half to study for them. help. please help. i'm going insane here. i have notebooks to complete and work to get done and i also have to study, as in read and understand. today i've just been working on the internship ppt all evening. submission is on wednesday and i gotta get it done.
and my sleep schedule is a mess. help.
sorry about the long vent but i'm going insane and cant keep it in. i'm sorry.