A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
ouch my hand hurts. i fell on it so bad. right hand. it's so red and throbbing and hurts.
been having such a good day and and was just jumping around a bit because i felt good. have no idea what happened but then i found myself fallen down on the floor on my stomach. like bit on the side. and my hand hurts so bad. actually my entire right arm hurts.
how on earth did i even fall like that? i didn't even realise when i fell, i didnt see or feel myself fall. i something feels really wrong with my body.
i have already been having some sort of a problem with my wrists lately if i write a lot and write too fast. i hope this doesnt make it worse.
also, it's 11:31 pm. where did the day even go by? i woke up, i got ready and had breakfast, and did some cleaning in my room like changing my bedsheets and dusting. then it was already time to shower and so i did. ooh and i also cut my hair! that did take time but i love how it turned out. anyways, i then had lunch and when i tried to study, i wrote a little and then wanted to lie down for 5 minutes so i did, and i fell asleep and nobody woke me up. i woke up like an hour later. i never fall asleep like that so i dunno what's going on. and then my mother came to teach and that took a while but we didnt really do much, and the whole day has somehow gone by. just like that.
Some days just go by fast. That's okay too. You did the stuff that you were supposed to do and you were relaxed about it.
I hope that the wrist injury heals soon. Those kinds of things just happen sometimes. I can't tell you the number of times that I injure myself (sometimes while sleeping) and I have no idea how I did it. But if you are patient then the pain lessens. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 my hand is fine. just the "normal" wrist things.
i hardly did any homework yesterday. and i stayed up till 4 am. now i have a truckload of work to do today. and the worst part, it's saraswati puja today. i hate this. we have to go to the temple and eat bhog thee which will be our lunch. i hate this i hate this i hate this. i hate going to that temple, it's so depressing.
the temple we go to is doing the puja tomorrow. so i don't have to go to that depressing place. i hate going there so much, i just hate it for some reason. in general, i don't hate visiting a temple. not that i like it, but it's just fine sorta thing. but i have some kind of a problem with this particular one and every time i go there, i come home and cry and have bad thoughts. i even cried sitting at the temple once. i just hate that place. something about the atmosphere there just doesn't work for me. yeah, so they're doing saraswati puja tomorrow and my mother will go while i go to school to get away from this. yay! now i have to so homework. it's so much.
i fell asleep today afternoon too. more like evening. i was feeling so awful, i was sleepy and everything just hurt and i wasn't doing my homework. so i decided to take a nap. when i went to bed, i started crying a lot and fell asleep at some point. my mother woke me up at 7 pm. that's 2 hours spent in bed crying or sleeping.
and i have a ton of work to finish now. it is just too much work and i have no idea how to finish it. i thought i would use this weekend to catch up with all my old schoolwork, but that didn't happen. now i dunno how i'll manage everything during the week. i have lots of submissions. and projects to work on. what do teachers even think of us? do we look like robots?
you know, i'm tired of school. i'm tired of homework. there's so much homework that i have no time to actually study. then i have this huge issue is procrastination. all because i'm overwhelmed with the amount of work. if it's very little work, i have the motivation to do it, you know? its like "i just have to finish this one little thing and then i'll be all done and i can relex." but that doesnt work when there's this much neverending work.
i remember when i was in 4th grade, i'd come home from school at 3 pm and immediately get all my homework done. and i would actually get all of that day's homework finished that day itself. the max that i worked till was 8 pm. and it's not like i worked nonstop from 3-8 pm. i'd eat some snacks in between, even have time to go to the park to play every day, and also attend drawing and music classes. i didnt have thos classes ever day, but played with my friends in the park every single day. and still finished all my homework on the same day.
now i come home from school at 3 pm, then spend over an hour showering and getting ready, then eating and not starting homework till af least 5:30 pm. that's the earliest i can ever start. and i never once leave the house after i get home from school. no playing with friends, no friends to play with, no classes to attend. just sit in my room and waste away my life. trying to do homework, watching youtube or cupsing, or just in general being distracted and slow with work.
what's wrong with me? and why so much homework? the more the homework, the less motivation i have to do it.
winter is officially over. it's vasant panchami. that's the first day of spring. and i know this is harsh and many people love spring, but i hate spring. one day it's hot and the next it's cold. so unpredictable and easy to get sick during spring. the weather is still so dry. perfect combo of all the things i don't like. summer is bad too but at least in summer, it's more predictable and we have holidays during the hottest days.
it's february and i want monsoon season already. i love rain i just love rain, have always loved it. i want rain. just some rain please. i want it to rain.
what the heck am i doing typing this at 2 am? trying to do homework and this weather thing is constantly popping up in my mind. needed to get it out. ugh.
Let's focus on the good in there - you ended up not having to go to the temple that you didn't want to go to.
I know the homework feels intense. I wish I could make it go away or be less intense, but I can't do that. The best that I can suggest is thinking in terms of little rewards rather than big ones. You may not get lots of hours off at the moment, but you can get 5 minutes here and there. If you can figure out how to make those really count and convince your brain that they are relax moments then you will feel less burnt out and more able to work successfully when you are studying. Remembering 4th grade isn't really going to help at this point because you can't go backwards.
You are allowed not to like spring. Each person likes different seasons. I don't really have a favorite myself. But with climate change seasons are changing themselves. So maybe you will get your favorite season a little sooner this year.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
i went to school today and i thought i escaped it. but my mother is repeatedly asking me to just go to the temple once. i'm using homework as an excuse not to go...
tomorrow i gotta go to school to see my maths paper. and we have geography notebook submission. on wednesday we have parent teacher meeting, meaning my mother will come to school in the afternoon and we'll get home late. on saturday we have english notebook submission. why the helll on saturday? i generally skip school on saturday but this time i cant because of this english submission. i cant submit it before time because then it would look like a planned absence, and if i submit it late again, the teacher will kill me. remember what happened last time with english notebook submission?
so this is a ton of work. i just want a break from all this. and we don't even know our exam dates yet. only that we'll have full syllabus for these exams.
i'm having a really hard time managing on so little sleep. i'm trying to completely my geography notebook but it's taking ages because i cant concentrate. it's 12 am and i have so much left. i just have to finish it if i wanna go to school tomorrow, because otherwise i could be punished as having to sit on the floor. that would be so embarrassing and i cant let that happen.
3:40 am. wish me luck. the last time i was up so late i couldnt go to school the next day.
i have to be up at 6:30 even if my father drops me. he dropped me today so he'll be msd tomorroe.
been awake today for evry mjnute jnce 7:10 am. im exhausted. physixslly snd mentslly. its just so much gojng on.....
Remember that too little sleep means that you get less work done not more. You end up spending too much time staring into space. Going to sleep will help you to work better in the morning.
You are doing the best you can. At least you were able to use homework to keep from having to go to temple.
Sending lots of strength and peace.@exuberantBlackberry9105
everything is a mess at school lately. i hate school. in wanna skip you know. school feels really awful. it just sucks.
we got our maths papers today and i got 39/50. which is absolutely awful. then i stayed up till 3:30 am last night to do geography homework last night and submission didn't even happen today. and i feel so ignored by my friend lately, especially during breaks. she hardly ever talks to me and is busy talking to this other kid who i don't like.
then the history teacher humiliated me in front of the whole class today. it hurt so much. and it angered me so much. i wish i could just throw something hard at her face. i hate her. why does she always have to do this and make fun of students and make all sorts of harsh, unnecessary, and hurtful comments?! i just want her out of my life, i hate to see her.
but she'll probably teach us next year too, so great. all that making fun of students - everyone starts laughing and i try not to because i know how hurt that one student must feel, but sometimes i laugh because everyone else does. normally i don't think much of it, but every time that stupid teacher says something to me, it gets me hating her real bad.
and school rules suck. why so much restriction everywhere? i'm glad the rules arent well enforced.
I am sorry it was such a rough, depressing day. The teacher should not have said whatever she did. Remember that she is probably putting students down to make herself feel better. I understand your frustration.
Work on getting some more sleep. It will help a great deal.
Had a rough day myself because my credit card info got stolen.
@bestVase7265 so sorry about the credit card info. how're you managing?
Sorry that I missed last night. I had too many people to answer. Doing okay with the credit card stuff. But definitely on the depression roller coaster again. But I know if I keep working at it the highs and lows will get better. @exuberantBlackberry9105
so much stuff happened today. it feels like the world is falling apart. i do want to talk about it and i wanted to vent when i got home from school but was short on time so i couldnt talk. just cried a tiny bit and hurt myself because that takes less time and helps a bit in the moment.
now that i am here and could talk if i want, i dont know what to say. it's eating me up inside but i dunno how to talk about it. it's so much to write. it hurts. it makes me wanna k1ll myself. i dont see any other way out of this. it's all just horrible. nothing in my life is going well. i dont feel good.
history class today couldnt have been worse. discussion of god, religion, idol worship, and places of worship. and the worst of it all: euthanasia, suicide and murder in ways that make me feel offended and deeply hurt. forced beliefs plus a lot of serious misinformation. i wanted to cry and scream but of course i couldnt. when the class got over and everyone stands up to say "thank you ma'am" while the teacher left the class, aloud of course i said that because i'm supposed to. but in my head i literally said "eff you ***". that's not the kind of language i ever use under normal circumstances. it was that bad.
and my mother. she embarrassed me so badly today. in front of other students and parents. and most importantly in front of my friend and her mother. and the teacher. i dont even know how to talk about it. i'm so ashamed of myself. everyone hates me. everyone is disappointed with me.
i dont even know how to talk about it. and my mother's just horrible. clearly she hates me. she's mad at me for my terrible marks. she says i need to spend more time studying... how do i even study when i'm struggling so much? nobody understands that.
woah now it looks like i talked about a lot but i didnt even say anything about what exactly these two people did today... and i dunno how to share it.
probably wont go to school tomorrow. and might take some action depending on how i feel.
my mother made me sound like a picky eater while my friends mother was trying to talk to me. when there is no way i am one. i eat all kinds of fruits and vegetables. i will literally eat anything edible that you give me. i wont ever complain if there's too little or too much salt in the food, i'll just eat it, though slowly. just because i dont like eating dal and dont eat fish, my mother's gonna talk about me like this?! when my friend's mother wasnt even talking to her, she was talking to me.
today i managed to finish both my tiffins in school. breakfast and lunch. my mother called me a 'good girl' for it. so if i don't finish my food, i'm a bad girls, right? right. i am a bad girl. nothing i do is ever good enough. my efforts dont count. no one cares that i'm trying so much. nothing matters. none of my efforts ever do. no one knows how hard it is for me. no one understands. no one cares.
and it's not like i dont finish my food on purpose. i dont like wasting food. i just eat slowly and most often don't get enough time to finish my food in school.
i just hate myself. my mother. my teachers. they have all been horrible lately. i only seem to see the bad in every teacher now. english teacher doesnt teach and claims that it's taught. french teacher makes fun of and unnecessarily scolds my previous bench partner and makes his like miserable. maths teacher has unrealistic expectations and is a perfectionist which as a teacher is a disaster for students. physics teacher is way too forgetful and i hate her stares and monotonous voice. chemistry teacher assumes we already know everything. biology teacher talks like he's god and doesnt even really teach, makes inappropriate jokes and playfully hits students. history and political science teacher teaches nonsense and makes fun of and humiliates students. geography teacher teaches wrong stuff and won't admit it and is unpredictable. economics teacher teacher wrong stuff and everything other than what's in the textbook.
i am so done with school. not one teacher that i really like. i cant wait to get out of school. have a year left in this school and god knows where i'll land after this.
my mother even told my friend's mother that i have a completely different personality at home. that's true, i am a different person at home, at school and online. but nobody need to know that. parent teaher meetings are honestly a disaster because that's the time when i can be neither my school self nor my home self. i have to mix these different myselfs up and look alright. it's so hard to be both at once. that's why i like to keep school people out of my life anywhere outside school. i don't want anyone from school to see me anywhere other than in school. and i don't want my parents to see my in school. obviously that cant happen but i wish it could. life is hard when you're such a liar having to constantly put up a pretence.
and about the history class, these was this discussion about euthanasia and suicide. she's going on about how every person has the right to live and why euthanasia is banned. then students where questioning her on why it's banned. like what if somebody is dealing with severe pain every day and there's no cure? does that mean they just have to keep suffering? what if someone has something incurable that's causing too much pain?
she just said "yes, but the person will still want to live. you can't just k1ll him." then came the question, what if the patient themselves want to d1e? then came the part that hurts me as a depressed, constantly suicidal person. "who ever wants to d1e? no body does. so don't say that." then someone asked, "but what about people who commit suicide?" then she went off saying "suicide is an impromptu decision. it is always an impromptu decision. it is done thoughtlessly in the heat of the moment. suicide is never planned. murder can be planned but suicide isn't. it's an impromptu decision. if someone can just make him pause for a few seconds, the person won't do it." i remember her words very exactly.
someone then asked the question, "isn't suicide a punishable offence?" she said "yes, it is. if someone tries to commit suicide and fails, he is punishable by law."
SHE IS ALL SO WRONG. AND IT ALL JUST MADDENS ME AND HURTS SO BAD. suicide can be an impromptu decision, but is don't *have* to be one. suicide can very well be a planned decision. i know that for sure. i know mine will be a planned one if i do happen to do it. and i've heard many other suicide stories. that *can* and *are* planned in many cases. and it doesn't just take a few seconds to stop someone from doing it. it can be really really hard depending on how determined the person is. i know this all too well.
also, suicide is *not* a punishable offence in india. not anymore. come on, we're in 2025. suicide was a criminal offence till july 2018. that's when something came up about decriminalisation of suicide, though it wasnt fully decriminalised just then. something like you cant be imprisoned for attempted suicide but harassment and stuff still persisted. but on 1st july 2024, it officially has been decriminalised. it is not a punishable offence at all. and nobody knows that?! maybe news never discussed this. i know because i've read up on this topic. maybe attempted suicide still does create problems, but it isn't supposed to anymore.
it really hurts when people talk about suicide like this. it's an extremely sensitive topic for me. especially now with my cups friend attempting. luckily it didn't work, but it's been unimaginably hard for me to imagine them gone. to feel like i couldn't stop them. to imagine the pain they must be in. to imagine my life without my dearest friend. to think of our last convos. just everything. i haven't even been sleeping. and then a teacher talks about suicide like this.
okay, i think i got it out. i needed to get it out, i really did.
It sounds like yesterday was truly a wretched day. I am so sorry that I didn't get to your posts, even to look at them. Some days are just bad and you need to vent.
That is what I am going to see yesterday as. So as you requested, I am not going to make a really detailed comments with longer suggestions. If you ever want that all you have to do is let me know.
I can understand that the history class discussion went a very bad direction for you. But it was interesting to read your message. At first you couldn't even formulate what had happened and then you decided to plow ahead and describe it. I think that was a good decision to get it out of your head. My guess is that teacher is really scared by suicide talk and really can't understand it. She got uncomfortable and said totally the wrong things. But the questions she was being asked were interesting. Your classmates obviously think about things more the way that you do than that your teacher does. That is why they kept probing her for answers (that she gave really poorly).
I know that you are at your wit's end with all of your classes and just need a break. I am sorry that your mom embarrassed you too. Sometimes home life and school life do overlap. There isn't much you can do about it. But there is always a slight possibility that your teachers understand a little better now how rough your home life is, or that your friend understands that, or that your mom can see how rough things are for you at school. Most likely NONE of that happened. But sometimes thinking of that minimal possibility rather than the embarrassment helps a little.
Ok, enough on my general commenting. But I leave you with one thing that might make you smile this evening. Guess what I had for dinner -- dal. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i feel horrible. i skipped school today because i'm just really tired of school and wanted to stay home and complete my english notebook for saturday's submission. but i couldn't really get much done. just been so sleepy. so staying home was useless. and i asked my friend for what happened in school today and she's totally ignoring me. it hurts so much. i guess she's really mad at me and hates me. so great. if the friendship falls apart again, then here comes an amazing disaster.
my mother yelled at me so much this morning. made me feel like such a burden. like i should just leave this world. later she did say that she was just angry, but no apology.
i told my mother and the stuff that our history teacher's been telling us and she said it's 100% pure stupidity. but then she also shared a bit of her beliefs. told me "don't go around telling this to everyone, but for people who die in pain, the pain doesn't go away after death. the physical pain might go away, but the emotional pain doesn't. it don't go away like that."
i don't know what makes her say that and i doubt how correct she is. but really, how really does emotional pain go away? if it doesn't even go away with death? like you're telling me i will always be in pain? even if i just k1ll myself? never heard of something like this. i've heard that thing that goes "suicide doesn't really end to pain, it just passes it on to the people who love you." but i always believed that wouldn't hold true for me because no one truly loves me. but if that means i myself will have to deal with the pain, not that even i love myself, then that's a disaster. i dunno what to do anymore.
i'll just sleep now. my english notebook is completely incomplete but i guess i'll just do it tomorrow. tomorrow after school and will stay up late tomorrow night. me sleepy now and have zero motivation to do this. i just feel awful. my whole life is a mess. i want it to be over.
falling behind with english is the easiest thing in the world. don't do your homework for one day and then you're all so behind. and english homework is so hard. so so hard. and overwhelming. it's all so complicated.
You are very good at English. You are just completely overwhelmed and burnt out by everything. Any subject would have felt like too much.
Take a deep breath and do a little at a time. I know how hard it is right now. Kind of like walking through mud. But unless you are willing to admit to people where you are at emotionally (and I know you aren't, I am not asking you to do so necessarily) then you just have to do the homework.
Your mother said what she said because she was scared. She actually knows you are very unhappy but she doesn't seem to have the mental capacity to try to help you. I wish that she did. But you are right - anytime someone's life ends for any reason except old age then people suffer. Your parents would suffer. I would suffer. Your school friend would suffer. Your other friends on Cups would suffer. Don't let your illness lie to you. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i can't do this anymore. i'm done. the whole world hates me. i've had enough. nobody needs me. everyone's ignoring me at school. and i feel horrible, it's not even like i have something good going on or something to look forward to and stick around for. i've been here for so long. now it's time to go. sooner or later, i will do it. life is pointless and so is trying to stick around. because no one truly cares. no one in real life.
trust me, what my friend is doing to me right now, i just cant take it. it's too much. all that happened in feb 2023 is likely just repeating itself. like wow. i love it when history repeats itself. just love it. it's possible that she's going through something, and it's also possible that her mother has asked her to stay away from me. if she doesn't want to be friends anymore, i'm fine. but i can't put up with the humiliation of being all alone and parting ways with a friend who used to be so clingy. it would be humiliating. what will my classmates think? better if i just avoid it by jumping out of earth.
i hate school. i just hate it. i wish i could forget school exists. i just wanna forget it. i don't wanna go to school one more day of my life. seriously. i hate it that much. nothing good has been happening at school. i hate the teachers, the subject, my so-called friend, the books, the environment, everything. it's not even an escape anymore.
we spend 7 long hours at school. at least let us come home and do fun stuff. at least let us have the weekends. but no. what the hel is the logic of school on saturday? 7 hours a day 5 days a week isn't enough?! and let us come hope and relax at least. but no. homework and projects and studying. what a life. we're kids! all we've done in our childhood and adolescence is study study study, hw hw hw. i want something other than this.
who on earth came up with the idea of school on saturday? we are kids! what kind of a stupid system is this?
i'm so sleepy and badly need to sleep. but i need to complete my english notebook. so great. i have so much left and it's 11:52 pm. my mother's gone to bed. my father isn't home yet, he was home all day and then i guess he went to visit some friends or party or something. funny how my parents get to sleep or go out and have fun but i have to stay up late doing homework. school sucks.
it's 3:30 am. helpppp i was trying to finish english but i wouldnt focus while being so slepy and it didnt even happen. i dunno whag to do anymore. wish me luck for tonorrow i dunno hownto get through the whole school day on 3 hrs of sleep.and even last night it wasnt much. just about 4.5 hrs.
anyway,help please. how am ibeven supposef to fix my sleep scheule if have so many submissona constantly? ljke no break at all. when do i catch upnon some sleep and when tondo all this. tomorrow after schook i!ll just come home and sleep i cant help it.
I am here and I am listening. I am so sorry that things feel so horrible right now.
The schoolwork is going to eventually lessen but I can't make any promises for the near future. Yes, you are working too hard and need rest. Sleep is sometimes more important than the studying.
I wish that I could hug you and remind you that the world really needs you here. I wish that I could write a long letter to your mom as an outsider and explain that you need help and need it now (I am always actually willing to do this by the way if you ever want me to. I actually dream about what I would say in such a letter).
But ultimately that job of screaming at the world that it is asking too much of you and that you must rest falls on you. You are having nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown. You so don't deserve any of that but you need to have the courage to demand rest, to say I need some mental health treatment in order to survive school.
Sending strength and peace.
@bestVase7265 thanks for being here for me and listening. i appreciate it.
i dunno about sleep... i guess i might go to bed early tonight so i can kinda catch up on some sleep and also not have to feel the sadness and hopelessness for those hours.
aww thanks. 🫂 i too wish i could hug you. i love hugs hehe. *hugs tight*
but then i dont think the world needs me here. i'm just one person, the world will be fine without me. i dunno why i'm even trying to stay here. the world we live in, it just sucks. just look at all the kinds of people that exist. most people are just so cruel, and so selfish. pretty much the only real kindness i have ever seen is online. like what the hel is wrong with people in real life? it makes me wonder if kindness even exists or if it's just a meaningless word someone decided to put in the dictionary. and don't tell me i'm kind. i know i'm not.
i'm not even angry anymore. i'm not mad at my mother for the stuff she does. i'm not angry at my friend for the way she's treating me and still expecting help. i she skipped school today and asked if i was present sonk said yes and sent notes. she read only half the messages and all i got was one "Ok". and i'm not angry. i'm just sad. sad that such people exist and people can be like this. there's this joke going on at school about my former bench partner and i just feel so sad for him.
it's good that i'm not angry though. it means i'm just truly sad and can try. angry doesnt allow for free crying you know. i cried so much today. cried my eyes out lol. it saddens me to see the kind of people that exist. and i don't wanna live among all these people. i wish i had someone in real life who cared about me, loved me and stayed with me when i need someone. my parents aren't that and they will never be. and at this age all i can find that in is a friend and friendships at school are never true friendships, at least not for me. sometimes i wish i had a pet or something. i'd love to have a cat. but of course i can't, until i start living by myself. my parents would never allow a cat at home. (my father hates cats like crazy and my mother believes having pets should not even be a thing because having them in a closed space is hurting them and bad for their health.)
how am i even supposed to keep going when i'm so depressed and hopeless? in a world where the existence of kindness is questionable? in a cruel, unsafe, selfish world? among horrible people? when everything hurts and i have nothing to look forward to?
hmm you wish you could write a long letter to my mother to explain that i need help and need it now? that sounds interesting. it would be fun to see what you wanna tell her. so feel free to do that sometime if you want and share it here. but know that there's no way you can actually send her the letter.
and i cant scream at the world that it is asking too much from me and i need rest. and i don't have the courage to demand rest. and i wonder if i even have to courage to try to rest it peace. it's scary you know. my mother's scaring me. it won't stop me though.
helping on the peer appreciation team (pat) on cups used to make me feel so good. just great. it reminded me or the nice and kind stuff. but pat is paused right now and i can't do it till our dashboard gets fixed. i dunno how long i gotta wait. then i'll have exams. not being able to do any pat work for so long, it gets boring. i miss helping out...