A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
I know you haven't met much kindness yet. But it does exist out there in large quantities. Sometimes you have to wait to see it and then suddenly it hits you between the eyes.
But sometimes kindness best appears when you just keep looking for it. It can be really, really small acts between two people like opening a door or helping with homework or someone smiling at someone else.
I am reading a book right now called "Rest is Resistance". It is basically about the fact that the world makes you work too hard. I totally agree with this idea. It says that rest is a journey that we all really need to take so we have time to dream and be. Otherwise we can't live up to our full potential. But rest is something we often have to have the courage to demand for ourselves. We have to say "I am going to bed rather than doing this task" or "I am going to take a walk before I get down to work". But the biggest thing is the journey part. It is something that we have to do demand daily. So every time you do get a little extra time to sleep, take it.
The reason you aren't feeling a lot right now is that part of emotional exhaustion and depression is feeling pretty flat. That is where you are right now. It's okay to be in that space for a bit. It is better than feeling all the stress.
But I am right there with you listening. Hold on until tomorrow.
@bestVase7265 i am so done. and no, i do feel a lot. i don't want to hold on anymore, not even till tomorrow.
my mother called me a parasite. so basically i am "an organism that lives in or on an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other's expense." and "a person who habitually relies on or exploits others and gives nothing in return." good. i'm tired of being life this. i'll just be no more.
everyone hates me.
people are strange. sometimes the person who once brought you so much joy and hope can bring you so much worry.
What your mom calls you is a lie. You aren't a parasite in the least. She doesn't understand what her role is as a parent or who you are as a person.
You are most certainly loved by me. There are other people out there who love you too. But sitting during the weekend at home listening to your mom does nothing for you.
Your mom doesn't need to cause you worry. She has no idea how to motivate you or care for you.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but school is the better spot for you compared to home. The more that you can get out of your room the better because you don't have to listen to her voice. I know that you aren't much of a walker, but maybe on weekends you should just find a few minutes to walk around the block to calm down. You deserve a spot where you feel a little freer.
Sending peace. I still believe in you.
i have so much to do. so much work. and im so sleepy. this is the horriblest week of my life. sk many submissions, just so many. then tomorrow they'll take pictures for our identity cards for next year. and i found out about that today. i hardly have any eyebrows. what do i even do now? they'll look so awful on a close up picture of my face. and they dont even let us see the pics until they're already printed. so great. i dont know what to do anymore. i'm so ugly.
maths project submission was on satuday but ive been delaying it. i still have so much left to do. i dunnk when i'll finish. then political science notebook submission on wednesday. and english project submission on friday but it's a group project and i gotta do my part by wendesday.
im so sleepy and i just cant do anything and i dont thjnk my mother will let me sleep without doing anything.
my whole life is a mess. i cant do this anymore.
i hate school. i just hate school. our education system totally sucks.
i cant explain how much everything hurts. how badly i wanna k1ll myself. but i cant. i've trapped myself in this horrible way and i hate myself for it.
Halt. None of this is your fault. You haven't trapped yourself. The school system is really hard on you right now.
Keep working on getting that sleep whenever you can. You really deserve it. Do the best you can on the work and turn it in even if it isn't perfect when you need to. (Though I admit that I don't think you have a huge amount of trouble at the moment with perfectionism - I think it is just that the amount is overwhelming, especially without sleep).
I am still right by your side and I am not going anywhere. Keep breathing and moving. You can get through these exams. @exuberantBlackberry9105
say goodbye to the possibility of ever getting over 7 hours of sleep a night. even 7 hrs is extremely unlikely to ever happen.
that stupid lady demands that i wake up at 7:30 any day that i stay home. until my exams. because apparently waking up at 8:30 is bad for my health. accuses me of playing with my health by waking up at different times every day. like 6 am on school days and 8:30 am on holidays is very bad for health.
says i need to learn to make use of my mornings. need to learn to stop being sleepy in the mornings. when i asked if i can nap in the afternoons, she said no. beacuse apparently, daytime is the time to do work and not sleep. and nighttime isnt time for work but sleep.
do you agree with all that? do you think waking up at different times is that bad for health and sleeping so little is better? really? you know how much trouble i have going to bed early?
and do night owls not have a place in this world? i just hate this. i hate my mother. why does she have to be like this?! what's wrong with getting up late?
gosh, my legs. i will never be able to wear skirts or frocks or shorts in my life.
she says the reason i get sick so often is because i don't wake up at the same time everyday. i'm just playing with my health and messing everything up. like it's all my fault.
i feel so suicidal yet i cant imagine exactly how i'll do it. i don't know how i'll write everything. when i said i've trapped myself, i meant trapping myself with the promise of not attempting without writing letters. the problem is, when it gets really bad, i don't even know what to write. and when it's not that bad, i feel i'm not supposed to write right now. so it ends up never happening. it's a trap.
so i dunno what to do. i'll just sit and pray for my death.
So your mom has part of it right and part of it wrong in terms of sleep schedules. Yes, it is indeed best mentally to wake up at the same time every day. Your body begins to adapt to that regularity. However (and this is a big issue) teens have a later sleep schedule timing than most adults. So typically a good teen sleep schedule would be midnight to 7:30 or 8. It could even be 1 am to 8 am. But it does take a while to adapt to this. About half or more of the students at my college have trouble with classes that start at 8:20, but others do just fine with them. But for me as an adult, I go to sleep at 10 and get up at 6:30. However, I used to have to get up at 6 because believe it or not high school here starts at 7:05 am (like students have to be in their desks at 7 am ready to go). We did it but it wasn't fun.
You are doing okay here. Take it day by day. I know it all feels miserable but you are going to get through the exams. You are stronger than you know. I know I keep saying that, but I really admire how much you are trying to handle right now.
i cant even describe it. today had been so bad with my mother. i didnt go to school, hoping to stay home and finish this project. but that didnt happen. she was helping me with it and then she slapped me and then my mother and i had a really bad fight, like physically, and so much scolding and stuff, and she threating to abandon me. it was so bad and she demands i tell her everything.
this is the 2nd time i woke up this night. i cant sleep.
I am so sorry. It sounds like your mom is really frustrated and taking it out on you. You don't deserve it. Sending lots of peace and hugs. If you ever want me to send her an email I will. At this point, I can't see her treating you any worse than she is treating you now if I did send something.
@bestVase7265 it could be worse, it really could be. are you asking me to give you her email? that has her full name in it? on forums?
i dont know what to do anymore. i'm struggling so much. i cant sleep and when i do sleep, i have nightmares. it was so bad last night/this morning, it terrifies me. i have to finish projects and catch up with missed schoolwork without even enough sleep and so much going on, i can't take it anymore.
i'm terrified to go to school tomorrow. exams start on 1st march. i havent even started studying for them. half my classmates have already finished studying and i haven't even started. so during revision, i have no idea what's happening. i skipped two days of school and i don't even know what was done in school. my friend didnt message me today so i have no idea what was done. i'll be so lost tomorrow. i am already lost and it'll just be worse. i'm already so behind and lost and i cant follow the classes, especially maths and physics. and i havent even been studying to make up for it. projects and other stuff taking up all my time. i hate life.
Sending lots of peace and strength. Keep doing deep breathing okay? Sometimes that helps with the panic a bit. Drink some fluids too.
You can only do what you can do. You are trying. I can see it. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 thanks. i wonder what to do today. im exhausted. was up till 3 am last night. fun fact: today for the first time this year i got a teachers remark in my school diary. it reads "Chem notebook not submitted for correction." yay! i never knew submission was today so i never did it. and i didn't want the embarrassment of submiting an incomplete notebook. to be honest my notebook isnt corrected in months. the last time she collected it, i was absent and never bothered to submit it later. so now i have to complete it completely and submit it on monday. i cant skip anything.
we dont have chem class on monday though. so i probably have until tuesday, not sure. do you think i should finish it by monday still?
i also have other subjects to complete. and i gotta study or at least have my mother explain stuff.
I would go with Tuesday if you don't have class and work on anything due on Monday first. Usually it's easiest to attack things by due dates unless they are extra big assignments.
Keep taking those deep breaths. You are going to get through the weekend. See if you can find time to at least make it out onto your balcony to take a single picture. Don't let your mom frustrate you if you can. You can do this. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 thank you so much. quick question. how do i actually study for exams? i don't think i know how to study. where do i start?
by the way i think i should really fix my sleep schedule if i wanna be able to study properly. 12:30 am goal sounds okay? i mean, even if i consistently went to bed at 12:30 am every day, that would be a lot of sleep. on weekends, it might mean 8 hrs depending on when she wakes me up. on weekdays, it'll be 5.5 hrs of sleep. but i dunno how i'll actually stick to 12:30 am.
I think that 12:30 or 1:00 sounds great because your sleep has been so poor. I do think it's achievable but it takes some consistency. Lots of mini (quiet) alarms - one at midnight maybe and one at 12:30 to remind yourself to go to bed soon might help.
For studying, slow and steady work better than cramming. For me with the large number of subjects that you have, I'd go back to do 2-3 different ones a day. I would look at the oldest stuff first and then try not to panic when I didn't remember it all immediately.
But keep reminding yourself that the homework is actually helping you prep for exams too. Then you will panic less if your time feels short.
You can do this.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i didnt let me mother frustrate me today but i sure let my stupid classmates do it. who the hel calls random classmates at 10 pm and asks them to do work for them because they are reportedly out of town? and last moment too? submission is monday and she's calling me today at 10 pm. if my friend called me at this hour, i'd be fine. random classmate i dont have a good history with, i'm not fine. "i hope i'm not disturbing you." "well, you are disturbing me." im just really mad at her. i dont want to do this work.
Simply take a deep breath and ignore the call unless she has helped you before. You can just say the text never came through if she asks. But it isn't worth it to let something simple anger you for more than 5 minutes. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i cant just ignore the call. i need my marks too.
i can't explain what she's doing to me. it's so bad. it hurts so much. so much has been going on. i can't take it. i feel so horrible. i'm crying.
i have been too lazy. i should've been more careful. i should make more friends. but no. now im here just feeling horrible about myself, getting hurt and taken advantage of. i want to k1ll myself. please let me go.
my "friend" is seeing all this happening and she's just sitting like she cant even see me.
I am sorry that you are in pain. I am afraid I can't entirely understand the situation because you haven't given me quite enough details. But it is perfectly fine if you don't want to say anymore. Friendships can be tough on many levels, but the more you can avoid blaming yourself for anything right now, the better. Sending hugs. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i do want to say more but its a really long story and i dunno how to explain it.
That's perfectly fine. When you feel okay to share and have time that is great. But if you never do that's fine too. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i got yelled at so so bad today
I am sure that you didn't deserve it. Don't continue the yelling cycle by beating yourself up for whatever happened. You are going to be okay. You are a good person. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i dunno what to do anymore. im exhauuuuuusted. i have to complete chemistry notebook for tomorrow. i asked my mother if i can stay home tomorrow. she suggests i go to school. i dont wanna go against it and get into a fight with her. i just wanna sleep.
does anaemia cause drowsiness? my mother says it does, and it's the reason i feel so sleepy. i know it can cause tiredness, but it can cause trouble keeping your eyes open? really? isn't this more because i haven't been sleeping?
and how is a nutritionist supposed to help with all this? what even is a nutritionist? my mother asked me if i'm willing to go to one and actually follow the suggestions. the only reason i said "fine" is because i cant bear to watch all my hair just fall out. she said she'll think about it and talk to my father and stuff. i don't know what's going on. know that she might never take me to anyone and is just asking for timepass. (remember what happened last year?) why doesn't she just take me to a proper doctor?
4:47 am. i have to skip school tomorrow. i just have to. i cant do this on less than 2 hrs of sleep.
curious question, if i go to bed at 5 am, am i going really early or really late? like 5 am. the sun will be up in 2 hours.
Anemia causes sleeplessness which leads to drowsiness. I think the idea of a nutritionist sounds awesome! Your mom might actual learn that dal isn't the answer for you. There actually isn't just one food but lots of different ones that you can try. Any medical expert at this point is better than your mom presuming she knows best.
I hope that goes well. At least your mom is recognizing how tired you are.
You are doing the best that you can.
I have a very long work day tomorrow (leave for work 7:15 am and home at 9:30 pm) so I may not have time to type tomorrow, but I will try. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 all the best with work! ❤️
