A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
my entire life is such a mess. and i'm not able to hide it well anymore. help. i need to look fine like any other person.
i have three more days of regular school in 9th grade. then five exam days. then paper viewing day and report day. that's ten days of going to school in this academic year. it'll be over then. how did the year go by so fast? nothing makes sense. i'll be in 10th grade after that. pressure of board exams and so much more. i dunno how i'll manage.
by the way, do braces on lower teeth hurt more? i went to the dentist yesterday and i could have gotten them yesterday but the the doctor suggested we do it after exams so they don't disrupt my studies, because they're supposed to hurt. so do lowers really hurt more than uppers? by the way, i'll have braces till at least dec 2025, meaning almost all of 10th grade.
my mother needs me up at at least 7:45 am from now on so apparently i dont mess up my exams.
k1lling myself is the only way out of this h3ll. so much has been going on at home and i dunno if i can vent here but it's so bad. now it's confirmed that i'm burdening my mother and i'm worthless. she said it to my face. i don't think anything can stop me now. i'm doing it, sooner or later. i'm sorry. i don't mean to hurt you. but i need to do it.
apparently i'm too rude and horrible to talk to, and i talk in a terrible tone and it's very bad. so she's all mad at me. says i've grown up too much and don't need her anymore. if i wanna be like my father, i should just live with him and ask him to help with homework and everything. says i will become nothing in life, just like him. that i should just live with him and let her go.
i dunno, it's really a lot that she said but i don't know if you want me doing a long vent here right now. i guess you've been busy lately and things arent going well. you okay?
that *** is trying to take my phone away. somehow i managed to get it, but she is most definitely trying to take it away. says i don't need it anymore because i'm turning the fan on, and either ways i don't wake up with an alarm. i hate her so much.
4:15 am. i have school tomorrow. technically today. i have to be up at 6 am. my parents already hate me i cant make it worse.
I am so sorry that I ended up missing two days. I am off in depression land myself and it made it a little harder last night to get to all the people that I normally respond to. I will answer everything that I can here.
Sometimes putting up a brave, false front simply stops working. That's okay. When I reach that point, it ends up being a relief to talk to other people even though it is painful. It is the only way that I am surviving at the moment. It is how I will eventually emerge - leaning on others rather than myself. It does mean taking risks in trusting others who might not understand with my story. I have been damaged sometimes that way even by loved ones. But slowly but surely I had a few people that I could trust. It made all the difference. No, I am not saying talk to your mom. But your world consists of more than your mom.
I think waiting on the lower braces until after the exams is better simply because there is more metal to deal with in your mouth. I do not remember lower ones hurting more, but you have doubled the amount of stuff in your mouth in general. In other words, half a mouth with braces is less painful than a full mouth, upper or lower. But you will survive.
You will also make it through the exams. Focus on just getting through each exam. Think about the fact that at the end of 8-10 days you get a rest. Don't worry about next year quite yet. You have plenty of time to worry later.
Of course you are allowed to vent here about your mom. She is being very unkind, thoughtless and only thinking of herself. But the words that she uses are all about her, not you. You aren't worthless at all. Her evaluation is completely thoughtless. How she could imagine having a child who would never grow up is impossible. Relationships with kids evolve and she is frustrated with a phase. that she makes no effort to understand. That endangers you. She has very serious mental health issues herself and she is taking out on you. That is unfair, but you do not have to believe her words. And you most certainly don't need to take any actions based upon them.
As best you can, focus on the exams. It actually will ease your mental stress and depression with your mom. All you can do is your best.
Sending lots of strength and peace.
@bestVase7265 i'm sorry you're struggling too.
my mother is literally making my life helll at this point. makes me extremely suicidal. but i'm here for now.
she's trying to take the phone away. the reason i get to use it is to play some music at night so it's not too eerie. that's the reason i gave her. but now it's getting hotter and i need the fan at night, so she's saying i don't need the music anymore because i have the fan. plus i don't wake up with the alarm so there's no use of me having the phone. so she's trying to take the phone away.
last night i managed to get it saying i still need it, even with the fan. she demanded that i let her listen to the music i listen to when i'm trying to sleep though. when i let her do that, she let me have the phone. now, normally when i get home from school, i find the phone on my bedside table. but today i got home and it's missing. so she's taken it. so i need to go ask for it again. this is extremely annoying and frustrating.
and the real reason i need the phone in addition to the fan is because lets say i lie down and everything hurts and i wanna vent, so i can get on cups and do that. or lets say i cant sleep because bad thoughts are eating me up. so i need to read or watch something that either helps with the thoughts, or distracts me and makes me sleepy. or i lie down and feel a lot of emotions i need to get out by crying, but cant cry. so i need to watch something to make myself cry. i need a phone for that. i cant get up and get on the laptop for all this.
i miss my old phone. it was old but i could still use cups on it and it was of a lot of help. sadly it decided it doesn't wanna help me anymore. it stopped working on 31st dec 2024. i wanna have it back you know. i'm tired of not having my own phone and needing to use incognito mode all the time. i doubt that she'll ever completely give this phone to me.
plus, during the day, if i have a phone of my own, i'm less likely to turn the laptop on. that would be a good thing because once i open the laptop, it's really hard to turn it off. and the way i sit with the laptop makes me lose touch with the world around me, lose touch with reality. it makes me feel dead. i'm much prefer having a phone which i can hold in my hands and not lose touch with the world around me. i can move around with a phone but on the laptop i sit in this horrible position and its not good. plus, for me it's always easier to put my phone away and do work, than to close the laptop and do my work. i feel a phone would really help, especially if it lets me do everything i need the laptop for. how i wish i had one. especially if it would be completely my own and my mother wouldn't have access to it. like it was with my old phone. this one i've been using lately is her old phone, and she still uses it a bit sometimes. it's not fully mine yet and i'm kinda just waiting for it to be.
sitting with the laptop like this is really not good for me. makes my arms hurt because i have to keep the laptop so far away and literally bend over my table, if i wanna type or something. makes my wrists hurt a lot, and the rest of my body too. and i spend way too much time like this and forget reality.
I can understand completely your desire for a phone. It is a lifeline for you. Your mother probably knows this but she sees it as a distraction that keeps you from working so close to your exams. So when you do have it make sure she doesn't see you using it. That might help to calm her brain a bit on that front.
If you ever want me to write her a letter, I am willing to do that. I think it would be easier for me to write on here and just have you copy and paste it to a separate document. But you would have to promise from the beginning that you would send her every word that I write. It would be bold but I still think I could get her to treat you better.
Sending peace in studying. @exuberantBlackberry9105@bestVase7265 thanks for understanding. oh i wonder what she thinks i do with the phone that it could be a distraction. i swear i always make sure she doesn't see me using the phone. so i don't know what the helll she's thinking. but i have had my phone with me for most of today. still ended up spending all day glued to the laptop though. i hate myself. i think this excessive screen time is really messing me up.
there's no way i'm letting you write to her. nope. i cant do that. i cant let her know that all the things that are supposed to stay secrets arent really secrets and that i'm talking to strangers online (using cups is most definitely talking to strangers online. you might not be a stranger to me anymore, but at some point even you were one.) and my mother has always told me that i should never ever tell anyone about the stuff that happens at home. that family life is not meant to be talked about with anyone else. i still end up talking about it online secretly.
didn't study the slightest bit today. i have exams next saturday. if i’m going to waste away my life like this, i’d rather not have it. it’s horrible to just sit and watch youtube all day. it’s not even helpful. i’m not studying, i’m not resting, i’m not even dealing with the emotions and am just pushing them down. youtube is such a stupid waste of time, most of the time. yet its stupidly addictive and hard to stop watching. just watching youtube all day and trying to cry it out but nothing’s making me cry that much. just wasting all my time, hurting myself, not studying.
I didn't see this one before. Please stop and think. You are very likely to not succeed and end up seriously injured. This is never a path you should take for yourself. You have no idea how beautiful that the world could become.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i know. i know it might not work. which is why i haven't done anything yet. it does have a 70% mortality rate though, according to wikepedia. but there's still a chance it wont work. 3 reasons it might not work. 2 of them i know won't happen, but this one reason it might not work is scary. i don't exactly have what i need and will have to improvise.
i'll think about it. i don't really care about how beautiful the world could become. the pain and pressure is still too much.
Please, please consider calling a helpline again. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 no way!
gosh i'm such a liar. i had to make up so many lies all becausr i didn't want to get out of bed this morning and my mother caught me laying in bed when i shouldn't have been. of course i couldn't admit it, so i lied and i lied and i lied.
Ok, I am going to answer the whole message here. I was just offering to write your mom as a last ditch effort. You are always free to refuse that offer and that's okay with me. I just wanted to let you know that it was out there. I just think if you have to choose between me writing something and you dying that your life is more valuable than any angst or anger that your mom might end up feeling. You are more valuable than her and her feelings.
Ok, so a full day on YouTube rather than studying is another form of self harm at this point. But you know that. Your brain is purposely sabotaging you. I get why it is happening entirely. You are burnt out and need rest. But try reminding yourself that those exams are going to be really miserable the less that you study. It might help get you away from youtube for a bit. Open the books just a little bit. Don't look down at the pile. Remember that each little thing that you study means that you will have less pain on that particular point of the exam. All you want to do is experience as little pain as possible. At this point, a little studying can actually help with that.
Sending strength and a better day tomorrow. You can do this. @exuberantBlackberry9105
the only two things i actually want to do at this point is either go to bed and sleep, or try to k1ll myself.
i alive lol. didnt do anything. been wanting to sleep all day but stayed up and even now at 12:50 am, i'm up.
i'm worried i'll regret not doing anything. what the helll is wrong with me?!
Even though you thought about it, nothing happened. That is good. It also sounds like you might have been a bit more organized and may have gotten a little bit more accomplished. Those are all victories at this point.
You are in pain and exhausted. Your brain is just struggling to stop that ideation. I know that it is hard, but you are doing it. I understand your desire to sleep.
Right now focus on getting through those exams. There are some good naps on the other side of them.
@bestVase7265 i dont want to get through the exams. i wanna d1e right now. i cant take it anymore. i'm worthless, there's nothing i can do that everyone else cant. i'm sick and tired of myself, i'm such a weird person who;s good at nothing, just nothing. everybody has something that they're good at, that actually counts. i am good at nothing. all the good stuff people knew me for, it's all gone. it's just gone. and it hurts.
i've been hurt and taken advantage of by my classmates. i'm all alone and have no one in school to stand up for me. everybody is lying to me. my friend lied, my classmates lied. i've had a helll of a day at school today. all the free time i had today, i used it to figure out what i'll write. but then i got stuck while writing.
i'm done with this life. i wanna be gone. i hate this world. i am sick and tired of it. how on earth do i even study? i have no motivation or anything.
I love you and care about you. You are actually good at a lot of wonderful things from English to analyzing people. I know the exams are scaring you but you can survive them.
No one is going to understand no matter what you write. The people in your life will be in extreme pain. They will spend the rest of their lives searching for answers, your parents in particular.
There can be another side to all of this. You are making a decision to trust no one and not reach out for the hope and love that is sitting right there in front of you. You can make another decision.
Please reach out to a helpline or some online spot where you can explain some of what you have been experiencing. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 you love me? why would you? i might be good at english but it's nothing special. many others are good at it too, it's nothing special about me. and is my english really even good? what makes you think it is?
i dont care about my parents to be honest. i dont care if they're left in pain and looking for answers.
i dont know why im still here. i dont know why i didn't end it today. it's 1:10 am and regret is setting in. i feel so bad. why did i not do it?
Of course I love you. I love your humanity and your uniqueness, your interest in photography and how you want to change the lives of others you see in pain. You always find a way through and have overcome so much. You have tons to offer the world that you can't even imagine yet.
You didn't do anything because you aren't supposed to. You can actually still make it over this exam hurdle. Then you will get some rest. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 my humanity? what does that mean? and no, i'm not unique. i'm not.
you love my interest in photography? why the helll? literally anyone can take good pics. i dont have any talent or anything for that. anyone and everyone can do it if you just experiment a little, trust me.
i change the lives of others i see in pain? how would i? no i dont. and what have i even overcome? nothing. just nothing. and i got nothing to offer to the world. i still dont know what i wanna become when i grow up. if i ever grow up. i dont want to grow up.
i'm so stressed about exams. and i'm not even studying a bit unless my mother's here and making me solve something or explaining something. leave me alone, and i wont be studying. all i need to do is sit down and read and somehow that' so hard.
i hate everything. i hate maths. i hate my mother. i hate school. i hate life. i hate the world. i am so angry.
ive been doing maths all day because maths exam is on saturdsy. my brain is fried. i'm exahusted. im mad.
my mothers been around the whole time. Nd whenever shes not here and she gives me something to do i dont do it and get online because im tired of maths. thst makes her mad st me. mostly its been fine today relatively and its been okay. but my mother hit me once like kinda punched me in my forearm on a weird sport and it still hurts. i dunno why she had to do that. ive laughed a lot today but im also mad
i got sleepy after dinner and told her. she made me work till 11:30 pm. because everhday jm up late so my not today? then i said its because of dojng maths all day and she says i have to do thst because j havent done it all year. and then after 11:30 she let me be done for todah so here i an in bed at 12:40 am. shes!ll wake me up early tomorrow morning sbe says. so yeah. i hate life. i wanna be dead.
i,ll sleep now. im exhausted. excuse me for typos im sleepy and laying in bed but needed to vent. how are you by tbe way? are yu oksy? howre yoy mabaging everything? you ssid youre not doing very well snd stuff rivht?
now that *** woke me up early. around 7:35 am i guess. maybe even before that. i was up till almost 1 am though i was in bed. and i absolutely did not sleep well. i've woken up a thousand times throughout the night. i feel so unexplainably horrible. now i have to do maths all day when i didnt even get proper sleep.
i have been so sleepy all day today. hardly been able to do anything at all or concentrate on anything. i am so unprepared. and my mother wants me to sleep now and do it tomorrow morning. she said that she just wants me to stay calm during the exam. thinks that if i just do that, i'll score well with whatever i know. But that's so hard. also, i need to know more stuff.
and horrible news, she wont let me take basic maths next year. because she thinks i'm capable of doing standard maths if i just practice consistently.