A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
So sorry that I missed last night. I am not particularly in a good head space myself (particularly last night) and I needed a break. I know that I will find my way back to better, but depression is a disease that will sometimes hit when it wants to because of the brain chemical aspect of things. When the world around me is depressed and scared then I struggle a bit. But again, because I know that I have fought before I can again.
I am sorry that your mom is being so hard and that you have to do so much studying for maths. At least Saturday is coming soon.
I am sorry if I upset you with complements. I actually did mean them so it hurts a bit that you immediately rejected them and started swearing at me. Sometimes you need to accept that other people see you in more beautiful ways than you see yourself and that they might not be wrong.
@bestVase7265 i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.
You are totally okay. You are angry and lashing out at everything right now due to the stress of exams. Your mother isn't helping things and certainly should not be hitting you. We all get really upset at times.
Don't worry. I am not mad at you.
I wish you luck as you get through the slog of exams. There is rest on the other side of them. I believe in you. You can do this. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 you sure? i'm sorry i hurt you and used that kinda language, i'm really sorry. and i'm sorry that depression is bothering you again, it's not fun. how're you managing?
my exam today was a total diaster. i really messed up bad. i couldn't stay calm and i messed everything up. exams end on 11th march by the way. not 12th march. meaning i have only 3 days to study before the sst exam.
and i almost didn't study at all today. i am so lazy. now i have to do it all tomorrow. i just had my mother explain this one poem. i have english on monday. and this poem is about death. and my mother has been talking so much about death and dead bodies, even when i told her to stop because i don't want to hear about all that at night. but she went on an on. why does she not listen? says "you never know this knowledge might help you some day". such discussions really scare me and make me uncomfortable, especially at night. i hate her.
do you think i should tell my mother about my hair? it's all falling out. it's so very thin. feels like half of my original thickness. this is so bad. but I'm scared to tell her because she'll blame it on me as usual.
Yes, I am very sure that I am not angry with you. I know from experience that if I let myself get upset about the little stuff that it worsens my own depression. I can't let that happen. I need the energy to fight. So I move on and forgive quickly. I know that you didn't mean to say it the way that you did. That's enough for me. We all make mini-mistakes all the time. That's what is supposed to happen.
I am doing okay, just not great. I am trying not to watch much news and trying to ignore the fact that I could lose my job in the next month (though probably not). But my work pace and ability is a little slower than I'd like at the moment. So I just keep plugging away at it.
I am sorry for the rougher exam. Right now your main goal is to finish them. That will be an accomplishment itself. So lots of deep breathing okay? One exam at a time.
Focus on the English exam itself rather than the poem. Yes, your mom was insensitive but you don't have the time or energy to focus on that right now.
Yes, I would tell your mom about your hair. You know that it isn't your fault. If she blames you somehow then she is wrong. Eventually she will start reacting the way that she should and get you some medical help. But she just needs lots of evidence that she has to do something. You are doing what you can to change things by letting her know. That's enough.
@bestVase7265 i appreciate that, thank you for not being mad at me. lose your job? that would be horrible. i'm hoping for the best for you. *hugs*
what if somehow my hair is my fault? what if it's all because of something i do? maybe it's because i don't sleep enough and don't exercise? maybe it's because i tie up my hair some nights, and pretty tightly? i dunno. she might really say it's my fault. and maybe it is. i dunno. i'm scared to tell her. maybe i can tell her after my exams? i'm still scared. the other day she just said that i don't take any real care of my hair, because i touch it too often. that hurt. i'm scared to tell her that my hair is all falling out.
Definitely wait until after your exams to tell her about the hair. If she blames you she is wrong. It is very much not your fault if your hair falls out. That is a medical issue.
Yes, life is pretty god awful for me too right now. Lots of therapy appointments that I then need to recover from. And I have to increase medication after years of being stable because I am not sleeping. But my doctor today called me a gladiator who refuses to give into the depression beast. And I am going to go with that and just keep trying. @exuberantBlackberry9105
it's 10:25 pm and i have hardly studied for all of yesterday and today. i'm such an idiot. i'm crying now. i hate this world. this world is just such a horrible place to be in. i don't wanna be heree anymore.
my mother talking about all the bad stuff in the world. there's enough bad stuff and i don't want to hear about it. i need someone to talk to me about the good stuff. to remind me about the good stuff and give me hope.
i'm crying but not well enough to really cry it out. but it all hurts too much. i cant take it. i have an exam tomorrow. what am i going to do? i haven't even finished half the syllabus.
You take the exam with what you know and try your best while you are taking it. Once that exam is done you can check it off of your list.
Yes, there is lots of bad in the world right now but there is good too. Sunsets, flowers, soft kitty cats, a warm meal or shower, comfy clothing, someone smiling, a nice blanket, a child playing, a beautiful thunderstorm, a soft breeze, a pretty new plant. I am sending you all of these and more this evening. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 awh that's so sweet. thank you so much, it really helps. especially a child playing. i love children so much. i wanna play with children, i miss it so bad. playing with kids can be such a fun thing to do.
my exam was horrible though. horribly horrible. i really messed up. badly messed up. everything, comprehension, grammar, writing, literature, everything. the paper was not good at all. we had like 23 lessons for our literature syllabus (40/80 marks for literature) and most of the chapters has zero questions from them. and others has questions of a total of 8-11 marks. isn't this unfair? why the helll did i study the rest of the chapters?
then we had two comprehensible passages and they were both extremely depressing and worrying. the first one was about climate change, a topic i really dont like hearing about. especially not first thing in an exam. it all makes me suicidal, climate change, natural disasters and every horrible thing happening in the world. so can you imagine how horrible my exam was?
and i was barely awake during the exam. i woke up at 5 am to study and by 9 am i was almost alseep. i have no idea what crap i have written in my exam because i was half asleep. but yeah i wrote crap and im not getting marks for that. i wonder if my handwriting is even ligible.
i messed up some stuff in the grammar section too. and even writing. my paragraph made no sense and nor did my story. i'm not good at english anymore. i need to read more books if i want to be good at it and i gotta practice creative writing. i suck at it. i used to be good at english but not anymore. i am horrible at it now. we had this story writing topic and i had no idea what to write so i wrote something stupid just for the sake of it and left it incomplete.
i was talking to my mother and she blames me for this. says i need to read and write more. need to practice writing often. so i guess i dont know how to write. i dont know how to pen my thoughts. but how do i, if my thoughts are so nonsensical and im sleepy?
You are still perfectly fine at English. You are in the middle of a mental exhaustion breakdown. That certainly isn't a good time to be evaluating your skills. Your brain can't process the normal amount.
Will your mom understand this? No, because she doesn't really know what's going on. That's okay that she doesn't know, but it means that you can dismiss her criticisms. You are doing the best that your brain allows.
Keep that up as your exams continue. What do you have next? You can't spend too much time worrying about an exam once it's done. You just have to move on to the next one.
You have mentioned often how much you love being around children. That's giving you a possible direction for a future career. Maybe you would like being a teacher for the very young or being a child psychologist. I still think the analytical side of you would eventually like that aspect of things.
@bestVase7265 hmm, you're right. but really, can i dismiss her criticisms? so i dont need to read more and practice writing more?
i really really love being around children. i pretty much always have. before covid and stuff, i used to play with our neighbour's kids almost daily. it was so much fun and i really miss all that. playing with them, teaching them stuff, hugging them and comforting them, i love doing that. picking up a child in my arms and holding them used to be so fun. there were two kids in particular i played a lot with. the one i played with until 2017 moved away and i never got to see him again. he would be so grown up now. and another family came in that apartment in 2017 and i got to know them and they had a little baby less than 2 years old when they came in. i loved her so much and she was so fun to play with. but the last time i saw her was 31st jan 2021, when we moved. i still remember her but she must've forgotten me. my mother tried to stay in touch with her mother, but her mother didn't seem interested, so i have never gotten to see her or talk to her since. but yeah, it used to be fun.
i would love to be a teacher to little ones. but i don't think i can do that. i can deal with one child at a time, get to know their needs and handle them accordingly, but i don't think i'm capable of handling a whole class of kids. plus, if i were to teach in kindergarten, it would be more of games and activities and fun instead of much learning of subjects. that i wanna teach that, i have to teach lower primary, like 1-3rd grade, and that might not be a good idea because that would be a lot of work and hardly any money. the reason no one wants the teach in schools in india is because it's low pay and lots of work and stress. i'm sure teaching is a stressful job, even if it's rewarding. and am i really willing to wake up early in the morning, handle everything at home and then go to school every day for the rest of my life? when we have a horrible education system and teaching is considered a job for those who cant do anything else? i don't think i'm up for that.
child psychologist? hmm, what exactly is a psychologist? and what would i be doing if i become one? do you think i'm capable of it?
the other day my mother was telling me that i should have some idea on what i want to do in my life. like at least what i want to study. and i don't know. you know the subjects i like, but what would i do after studying them? and what really am i capable of doing? what can i do that involved little children and pays enough for me to not depend on anyone for money? i don't know. what do you think?
You are right that child jobs don't always pay well and deserve more respect. But they actually excite you and that is more important than what other people think. Will you make enough to be out on your own - yes. It is also something where you can move between different positions if one feels too stressful. There are also chances of working with smaller groups rather than whole classes.
Child psychologists often work with kids one on one. They study how kids' brains operate by how they act. Psychology often requires a university education so the job pays well. You could also look at lots of other jobs like with special needs kids, or teaching kids after school kinds of activities like swimming, etc. Each country is a bit different on this front, but you can start doing research.
For right now you can say to your mom that part of you leans towards working with young children. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I was thinking of even more kid jobs today - designing kids toys, working with kids who have been in accidents and using physical therapy to teach them to walk again. I even know a person who visits day old infants at the hospital to run hearing tests on them. So keep your thoughts open and do lots of research. @exuberantBlackberry9105
i have science tomorrow. it's 11:50 pm and there's so much left. and i'm so sleepy. i hate myself. i should have started studying earlier today and should've studied yesterday. i've mostly been doing physics today. most of chemistry is left and biology is totally left, i haven't even open my biology notebook. and i'm so sleepy. so i'll sleep now and wake up at 5 am i guess. because i feel horrible right now and cant study. my mother just said i'm making her life helll. so yeah. why do i even exist if all i do is make people's lives helll?
Correction - your mom makes a decision to say things that make your life horrible. You have done nothing wrong that should be causing her any pain.
Remind her that the one taking the exams is you, not her. She is not suffering. She is just making believing that she is. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 no, she was actually helping me study physics, until like 11:15 pm last night, because i didn't have her help in the morning. she didn't get any time to clean up the kitchen after dinner and hence had to wake up at 5 am today to do that, so she is suffering. she is. i am causing her pain.
No she really isn't suffering more than a few days to help you study. You are suffering through the exams and trying. Not her. She could be much more supportive by just being kind. @exuberantBlackberry9105
You are going to make it through science. Every day brings you closer to rest. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 the exam was honestly nothing as hard as it could've been. yeah i messed up some stuff but it could've been a lot worse. 2 more exams to go! then hols from 12th march. on 20th march i have school to see our exams papers. i am gonna get killed on 20th march. i still remember the events on 20th march 2024, paper viewing day last year. it was so bad.
Glad to hear that one went okay. Two more to go so you can see the finish line. Focus on that . @exuberantBlackberry9105
alright, after my exams get over, i'll try to tell her sometime.
oh dear, i'm sorry things are so hard. but i'd agree you're a "gladiator who refuses to give into the depression beast". you always keep trying to hard and also helping others, even when you're not well.
yeah.. but i can't help but worry about what others will think. also, will teaching really let me make enough to not have to depend on anyone? we can't be sure about that.
the child psychologist thing sounds good though, but i'm not sure. no swimming though, lol.
my mother is suffering a lot because of me. and now she's really sick and i feel like it's my fault.
i should be studying right now, but i feel lazy so i came here to reply to you. i dunno how to study.
also, i need to let my eyebrows grow somehow. they look really bad. i wanna have them grow by april. and i know that can happen, if only i stop pulling. which feels impossible. i pulled a lot yesterday...
last night i was in bed by 12:45 am and i got up at 8:30 am today but i had so many horrible dreams.
2:56 am and i just got into bed. and i hardly studied all day. what the helll is wrong with me?!
Nothing is wrong with you. Studying for those last few exams is hard because your mind is drained, Just do the best you can.
You didn't make your mom sick. That just happened naturally. She just is in search of someone to blame for all the bad in her life. You aren't it. She should be blaming herself but that is really hard to want to change yourself.
I gave you a few other suggestions of kid kinds of jobs above and I will keep trying to come up with more. Here are two or three: Maybe you could be an advocate for children in the court system or a child social worker who goes into homes to make sure that they are well cared for. Those kinds of jobs pay a bit better than teaching jobs I think. cour@exuberantBlackberry9105
hi. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to explain. but today has been so horribly terrible. so i got 3 hours of sleep last night. when i woke up this morning i felt like crap and literally counld't do anything at all. i hoped to study in the morning, but that didn't happen and i went for the exam, totally unprepared. my father wasn't being nice and i was late to school. then i wrote the exam but it was so hard because i was hurting so much, like physically and mentally. my head hurt so bad, my stomach and legs hurt, and i was having trouble staying awake. since it was french, i was able to put my head down on my desk for a bit in the middle of the exam though.
after the exam, the school wanted to measure our heights and weights. and now i wonder what is so wrong with my body? what am i doing wrong? what should i be doing? why am i so short? is there any chance i grow any taller? i'm 15 already. and the school has been showing my height stuck at 146 cm since 7th grade. are they measuring my height wrong, or have i really stopped growing in 7th grade? what is wrong with me? and my weight, my mother says it has to be wrong. they say i'm 37 kg but my mother says that's not possible. she thinks i'd be like 40 kg, but i don't know. i feel horrible though, i hate my body. why am i so short? i'm the shortest kid in my class and it sucks.
i came home and wanted to cry, tried so much to cry, but i just couldn't cry. what's wrong with me? why can't i cry when i want and need to? and all the youtube videos i had downloaded, the ones that make me cry or comfort me, have poofed for whatever reason so nothing made me cry. which is amazing. and i was in my room after showering, trying to cry and it took so long and my mother got mad about me closing the door for too long and everything. i told her it happened because i accidentally fell asleep but she was still so mad. and what's wrong with my eating today? i put food in my mouth and have no motivation to even chew it. it took me 2 hours to eat lunch today.
then when it was time for me to nap, she said i could still only nap till 6 pm despite the time i was going to sleep, because of my lie that i already slept before, when i didn't. and now when i did go to nap, i couldn't fall asleep for ages. then she woke me up at 6 pm and asked me to eat fruits and stuff. and that took me ages, and it was 7 pm and then she refused to come to help me understand stuff because it was too late.
i have not studied a thing today, i have sst exam on tuesday and we have 3 chapters for history, 4 for pol science, 5 for geography and 4 for economics. and why can't i cry? i wanna cry, i just wanna do two things: cry and d1e. that's it.
i have a question for you and i beg for an honest answer. please dont lie.ĺ
if someone goes out of their way to help you, does that mean they have some hidden intention? what counts as going out of your way to help? my mother was saying that we should never go out of our way to help someone except in certain situations where helping is just human.
why are you talking to me and trying to help me? do you really care about me? why, why do you do this? why would you want to help me when you know i won't be able to help you back? why would you want me here?
i feel like no one cares about me. no one loves me. no one needs me here. no one wants me here. everyone is just lying because they're too scared to tell me the truth that the world would better off without me.
i will do it tomorrow. i am sorry if this hurts you. i cant sleep, the world is a horrible place, i'm out of here. sorry.
i finally cried by the way. not in a good way. i cried and sceamed in bed at 1:40 am. let's just hope nobody heard it.
I have no hidden agenda. Your mom is wrong. There are lots of people out there who want to help others knowing that they won't get anything tangible back. But that doesn't mean that they won't get anything. Think about how you feel when you say something kind to someone on Cups and they thank you for saying it. You feel a little better about yourself for 5 minutes don't you? That's what I get back if you want to call it "getting back something". As I said before, I am going to care for you no matter what. You are a good person in a rough situation that you don't deserve.
You are utterly exhausted and it shows. I am so so sorry. Please try to keep staying with us.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are doing nothing wrong. There are probably some things wrong with your body that a doctor should really look at. I still really hope that your mom agrees to take you as soon as the exams are over. She is aware of this which is why she keeps trying to feed you. She can tell that you are not in good shape physically or mentally. Keep asking to see a doctor.
Sending strength and peace for a new day.
@bestVase7265 no way. it ends tonight.
2:38 am. i'm alive. but today i made the horriblest mistake of my life and things will never be the same. but i learnt my lesson and will never mention that one thing ever again. my life is unfixably bad. it should be over tomorrow. i'm sorry. i am the worst i have ever been, it's so bad.
i feel like no one could ever care about me. that anyone who says they do is lying. and that led me to badly hurting someone who did care. i hate myself so much.
7:51 am. i hardly slept and now that *** woke me up. i told her i feel sick, which is true and im not lying, hopeing that she would let me sleep a bit more. but no. i am forced to get up and do everything. and now i screamed and she's mad. everybody is disappointed in me. i hate myself.
