A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
I know how hard it is for you to believe that anyone cares. Don't worry. I am not going to abandon you no matter what. I will always care without any motive in mind.
Your mom has poisoned your brain and taught you to only see the bad in the world. I am so sorry. I know that things are the worst that they have ever been. But there are still beautiful things out there. There is still good out there. I am proof of that.
But being on the bottom doesn't mean that things can't go up again. Things can improve and will improve. I know that you are sick and tired. I totally believe you and wish that I could convince your mom otherwise for you.
As far as your situation right now, consider using the words "physical and mental breakdown" saying that you can't go on like this. You are physically ill and need to see a doctor.
If she refuses to take action, attempt to eat something. Focus just on what you are eating. Drink some cooling water. You can take care of yourself. That you have control over.
I am praying really hard for you. Sending lots of love.
she wont let me sleep. she's asking me what's wrong, and i just said that i dont feel well. she asked what's happening and i just said that overall i feel sick. she asked if my stomach hurts and i replied yes, because it does hurt. then she's like "oh that happenes in this weather. it's just anemia." she asked when i went to sleep last night and i said around 12:45 to 1 am. "so you stay awake now". this is amazing!!! i love life!
i went to shower and my mother is constantly asking me to hurry, up. then i came out of the shower and into my room and was getting ready and she kept banging on my door constantly. to the point my windows and everything were vibrating. then she locked me from the outside. she came just now to unlock it and bang for 30 secs and now i'm locked up again. she truly wants me to d1e.
Okay, I know that you probably won't see this for a while.
I am praying and hoping that you do see it. You know that I still want you alive. I believe that you can survive the next few days and that things will be better on the other side.
But I do know your pain and feel it with you deeply. I wish so hard that I could do something for you. But I also know that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am going to count on that strength.
Maybe without the computer and phone your mom will be forced to give you more time to sleep. That is what you need now above all. Sleep. Blissful rest. And when you make it all the way until Tuesday then you will get that at least. Your exams will be done.
As I keep saying, I am not going anywhere. We will keep looking for a way forward. You are a great person who deserves to live into adulthood to show that greatness. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i got ohone for the night. am telling her im sick so j can sleep more and maybe stay aljve. i dunno about exam though. but i gotta go now my phonw might get taken away again.
actually ive had my phone with me almost all day today. she didnt take it. which is good. but i also haven't been able to study. its 11 pm and i have 15 chapters left. might sleep soon and wake up at 5 am. i just cant focus, my mind is wandering constantly.
I am glad that you had your phone, but turning it off to study if you possibly can would be a good thing.
I just don't want the exams to be too stressful for you on Tuesday.
Sending peace as you finish up the exams. Glad that you are still with us. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 yeah, i had it off most of the day but i was still to unfocused to study. so i was extremely stressed but it's over now. exams are over. now what do i do with my holidays? i have a lot to do to be honest like fixing my sleep and cleaning my room. anyway, i got to use laptop today. typing this on laptop. yay!
Glad it's done and I am sure you are too. Start with the sleep and the cleaning your room. Those will make you feel better.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 last night i was up till 3 am lol. and i had convinced my mother to let me sleep will 10 am today. but i woke up at 9 and never went back to sleep. yeah, i cleaned a bit today, will do the rest on friday. tomorrow i will be out all day. we're going on a road trip.
and, i got my phone taken away again. my father was having problems with his phone and he gave it for repair. so till his phone is fixed, me will use the phone that i have been using. so i dont have anything i can use. i'm on laptop right now, but if this gets taken away, i will have nothing. and no phone means i can’t listen to music at night and if i can’t sleep, or have bad thoughts at night, i have nothing to do. how amazing is this?
and my mother told me yesterday that she would take me to a doctor. and she did not. today she said she will, and she did not. what the helll is wrong with her? and we were supposed to go to a bookstore today, but then that never happened because her leg hurts, apparantly. wow.
Can you ask your dad for the phone back just in the evening to help you go to sleep? I am guessing not but it is worth a shot.
I am sorry that your mom hasn't taken you to the doctor yet or to the bookstore. I would keep asking her on both fronts to see if she will feel guilty enough to take you. I think that both would be really helpful. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 do you think my father will give me "his" phone for the night? no way!
i hardly slept last night. i didn't exactly go to bed on time, and i was unable to sleep when i did go. and the little sleep that i did get was horrible. it's 7:21 am right now and i have to get ready and be out in 1.5 hours and i'll be out all day. i am so tired, i have no every. and i'm so irritable.
i honestly don't even want to go today. this is not the right mood. i'm not feeling well and i dunno where we're going but most trips are great opportunities for suicide.
i need my phone. i really need my phone. i can't sleep without a phone.
my head hurts. i feel sick. i always do when i wake up early for a trip and have to eat early. if i haven't slept, it's even better. i'm so in love with my headache.
it's fine, forget that. this was not a good suicide opportunity. and it went okay overall.
i really gotta fix my sleep schedule. i'm up at 2:26 an. i woke up at 7 am and slept on the card ride home but that's it.
i cant sleep. my bed is so uncomfortable. my bedsheet is too rough. my blanket is too rough. my blanket is too tiny. i cant sleep. everything hurts so much.
I am glad that you had an okay trip but sorry about the rough sleep schedule. You can find a better one, but it will take a little time.
Maybe if you don't have your phone you could try soft music coming from your computer? Experiment with what works best.
If you can avoid mid day naps. They will keep you from night time sleep.
But hopefully your brain adjusts and brings you peace soon.
@bestVase7265 last night i went to bed at 12 am. and woke up around 8:15 am. good, right? i dunno about tonight, i have hardly gotten anything done today. i have a lot of cleaning and cups stuff to do. cleaning will probably have to wait till tomorrow.
i did get my phone back, don't worry. but i couldn't play music from the laptop. but i dunno where my time is flying by. yesterday and today i hardly did anything at all, i dunno where all my time even went. help!
i'm worried about 20th. i might just d1e. i was looking at my previous report cards and i'm expecting a very bad fall this time.
i cant take it. what the helll is the point of fighting? i'm so tried.
i feel like i'm wasting away my holidays. what do i even do?
WHY IS IT SO HOT?! JUST LET ME SLEEP IN PEACE FOR ONCE! WHAT THE HELLL IS WRONG WITH ME AND THIS STUPID HEAT? MY HEAD HURTS, ITS 1:30 AM I AM SLEEPY BUT AWAKE. I HAVE HARDLY DONE ANYTHING ALL DAY TODAY.
so these hols are just like every other one. totally wasted. fun doesnt exist in my life. i thought i could have fun. i thought it could be nice. but no. only stress and just all this, i hate this. i want to relax and have fun. but fun is not for me. *** this, im k1lling myself. i am so done. i'll wait till 20th and see what my marks have to say and then im done. I AM DONE. I SAID I AM DONE. I AM SO DONE. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS LIFE. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I CANT TAKE THE PAIN ANYMORE.
Quiet, quiet. Breathe a bit more. It's going to be okay. The 20th is still a ways off. Spending the next five days in terror isn't going to help you at all.
Think for a second, if you could do something during your hols that would make you feel more accomplished what would it be? Resting, cleaning and getting on cups are actually all solid activities that give your brain a place to heal. But if you could do something different, maybe you can find a little bit of time tomorrow to do that.
Go day by day rather than worrying too deeply into the future. Write daily in your good thread. It will help to get back into the practice. You only need to think of one good thing, not tons. Sending peace and rest. I am hoping for the rest myself. Last night was definitely sleepless.
@bestVase7265 i dunno. i dunno what to say or do, but i feel horrible. don't even know how to talk about it unless you ask me something. i'm just so tired and wasting all my time. everything feels like a task, nothing is fun anymore.
"if you could do something during your hols that would make you feel more accomplished what would it be?" maybe if i could clean everything there is to clean in my room and respond to everything i have to respond to on cups? you know, someone made this wonderful appreciation post for me and i haven't responded to it in over a month because i dunno what to say. so i have to figure that out and say something. it's just hard for me to believe. i don't know if you've seen the post, but yeah.
and yeah, the good moments thread. i know, i know. but the thing is, i missed so many days already when i thought i'd post. and i want to catch up with that and i'm being lazy.
Well all of that sounds doable. Your brain is just keeping you in a bit of a funk. That's not surprising at all, but you can also take little steps to get out. The thing is that you have to count the little steps as though they matter. You can't let your brain tell you they aren't important.
So tomorrow clean one thing in your room that would make it feel a little better to you. Just one. Maybe it is even just making the bed or cleaning the dust in the corner.
Then answer that one thread you have been avoiding. You don't have to say anything except "thank you" and that "it meant a great deal to me". You aren't being asked to agree with it or disagree with it. Start out with something like "I have been really overwhelmed lately and I struggled to respond to your kindness." Then put the rest of it. Three or four sentences is all you need.
And if you are feeling up to it, one good thing just for today. Don't go backwards. That is how it become a chore. You aren't looking for perfection. Notice that I never post more than one thing and I only do so when you do. Do I feel guilty? No! I know what I do is enough. You are also enough.
I will post my good thing for today here: I successfully make a sweet treat for my parents' birthday tomorrow (they have a birthday on the same day). I hope they will enjoy it when we visit. @exuberantBlackberry9105