Berry and Shadow
This space is private.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 , meet @Shadow
I appreciate you both, thank you for being here ʕっ• ᴥ • ʔっ
You are welcome to make a new thread, if it feels more comfortable, or stay here, whatever works (:
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Hey there, I'm Shadow. I just wanted to take a minute to tell you a little bit about me. I've been a listener here for several years now. I aged up from teen side about 3 years ago and spent most of my time on cups as a member back then. I also had a lot of difficulties back then and struggled a lot with things like emotional management and healthy relationships. I spent a lot of time working on myself and was able to get to a much better place with everything. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the support of others, though.
I wanted to offer you an extra place to talk and an extra person to talk to if you ever decide you would like that. I'm more than happy to be here when I can if you ever do choose to talk here. I hope I can get to know you a bit and be an extra source of support :)
@Shadow hi shadow. nice to meet you. wdym by strugging with emotional management and healthy relationships? and you worked on yourself how? thanks for the offer. yeah sure let's talk but im telling you now im a nightmare to deal with.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
When I say emotional management, it looked a lot like lashing out anytime i got overwhelmed/anxious/upset/angry. Not that how I felt wasn’t valid but my reactions to it were not always appropriate or helpful. When I say I struggled with healthy relationships, I would most often lash out at the people who cared about me. I was also constantly trying to push them away to prove some point that they would leave. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t fair to them. It also made it hard for them to be able to support me.
When I say I spent a lot of time working on myself, I had help from a few people to learn skills like walking away, reaching out when I was starting to feel upset instead of waiting until I was in the middle of a meltdown (for lack of better words) and learning how to cope with the feelings I was having in a healthy way. It wouldn’t have worked if I wouldn’t have been willing to put in the work, though. It was hard and it took a long time (years, and I’m still working on it every day) but with support I was able to do it.
I know you feel like you’re a nightmare to work with but saying that to me isn’t going to scare me off. Being the age you are can be very challenging in a lot of aspects. It seems like some people are able to just do what’s expected of them with no difficulties. And then there are some people, like myself, and maybe you relate to this too, where it’s hard to meet the expectations of others and behave in ways that are considered appropriate. It’s challenging, it can feel really hopeless and frustrating. It can also feel like nobody understands you or like you’re just a problem child or a lost cause. I’m telling you now that that isn’t true. I was honestly pretty awful. Some of the people working with you are the same people that worked with me. So I know you have a good support system and have people who won’t just give up on you. I also don’t intend to walk away either. I don’t know your full situation but I feel pretty confident in saying I can understand a lot of aspects of it. I hope you will be willing to take a chance on trusting me as well as the others that are here to help you.
@Shadow hmm makes sense. and sounds like me
glad you learnt to walk away, reach out, cope, etc. the reaching out part i gave up on. reaching out for help never leads to anything good. its good to just cope alone. i shouldnt reach out and depend on people. its bad to be dependent on anyone and reaching out is depending. let's avoid all dependence, never rely on anything, no comfort, no nothing. let's lead a life with nothing to rely on, no leaning on anything ever.
yes it is hard to meet expectations and behave appropriately. but wdym some of the people working with me are the same people that worked with you? what good support system do i have? what people who wont guve up on me? my therapist gave up on me. so anyone can.
no one intends to walk away initially. eventuallt i cross peoples limits and boundaries and they are forces to leave me. my therapist ditched me. it broke me. she gave up on me. said i need someone more senior. if she couldn't handle me, no one can. not for long.
you learnt skills like walking away yet you dont intend to walk away from me? unbelievable. i dont believe that. then why the *** did you learn to walk away? if not to walk away from people like me who drain you like an energy vampire?
sure i'll take a chance with you but i cant trust you
@exuberantBlackberry9105
It can be hard to reach out to others when you are struggling, I can understand wanting to not do that anymore. It is definitely good to be able to cope and manage things by yourself at times and forming a dependency on others to always be okay isn't healthy. That doesn't mean you should never reach out, though. It's good to have support from others and it's good to talk things through when you are struggling, or even after to help you process what was going on.
Meeting the expectations of others can feel really overwhelming and impossible sometimes. Especially when you are struggling and don't have the support you need to get to where others expect you to be (and hopefully where you want to be). Behavior is challenging. I don't think that someone that struggles to have "good" behavior is "bad" though. I think often times they are hurting, struggling and don't know where to go with all of it. That's why having a support system is so important. When I say some of the people working with you are the same people that worked with me, I mean that some of the listeners you are working with currently are the listeners who supported me in building skills and improving my overall behavior and emotional management skills.
I'm sorry that your therapist discontinued meeting with you, I can imagine that must have been really hard and incredibly hurtful. It sounds like she felt that you would benefit more from getting support from someone with more experience. That doesn't make the situation any easier, though and it's totally fair and understandable to be hurt.
I did learn skills like walking away. What that means when I say that is that I've learned to step back from situations when I begin to feel upset/overwhelmed/anxious/angry. If someone I'm talking to begins to upset me, rather than argue with them or lash out at them I walk away from the conversation until I've been able to calm down. It doesn't mean walking away from people permanently.
Lastly, you're not obligated to trust me. I don't expect you to trust me, especially not right away. But I do appreciate you being willing to take a chance and talk with me. I also appreciate that you've shared everything you have so far. I know it's not always easy to tell things to a total stranger. I do hope that if nothing else, I can be a space where you feel comfortable to come to if you do want or need some support.
@Shadow well now im upset reading your message and dont wanna talk to you anymore. dont talk about my therapist like that, it makes me mad. also you seem to be unable to understand what i rewlly mean and what im saying bc of stuff people have told me. its so damn maddening when people dont get that. i was smiling and laughing just now and now im not and my mood is ruined. i regret checking cups
@exuberantBlackberry9105
I'm sorry that I upset you, I meant nothing bad by anything I said and I will be more careful in the future if you do decide to continue talking with me. I can't make you and the choice is entirely yours but if you change your mind, I'm still here.
If you do decide you want to continue talking, I'd be interested in knowing more about what you mean by me being unable to understand what you mean and what you're saying because of what people have told you. I can understand feeling like you shouldn't reach out to anyone and I can definitely understand feeling like everyone will leave eventually. They are honestly pretty awful feelings.
Whatever you choose to do, I do hope that your day improves and again, I'm sorry that I upset you. It wasn't my intention.
@Shadow ik you meant nothing bad. still hurts like helll. sure let's talk.
by you being unable to understand what i actually mean and what im saying bc of what people have told, i mean that the stuff i said about depending on people, i didnt say it bc i actually believe that, but bc of stuff i've heard. i dont actually think its bad to depend on people. im saying it bc people make it sound bad, and bc i cant find anyone to depend on. and the let's avoid all depencence crap i said arent really my words, just stuff people imply.
and then you're saying "forming a dependency on others to always be okay isn't healthy." that hurts. why you gotta sound like those people? and you didnt even understand that i didnt truly mean those stuff and said it bc of stuff i've heard/been told/seen being implied. i thought i spoke in a way that's easy to understand but clearly you didnt and you really thought that i think that. which makes me feel so damn minunderstood and upsets me. also you dont even care to ask why i say that reaching out never leads to anything good, just say that you understand not wanting to reach out and then saying it doesnt mean i should never reach out. wth is this? it hurts.
even all that, still fine. tolerable. truly tolerable. but then why you gotta talk about my therapist like that? "discontinued". helll yeah she just "discontinued". lovely word. and you can imagine that must have been "really hard" and "incredibly hurtful". yeah, it was just "really hard" and "incredibly hurtful". nothing else, nope, nothing. do you even care how your lovely words makes me feel?
@exuberantBlackberry9105
I hear you. I'm sorry I did not understand your sarcasm about the comments on dependency. I would be interested to know why you feel reaching out never leads to anything good. I think it would help me understand you better if I knew what your experiences have been. I'm also curious what kind of support I can offer that would be most helpful to you?
Your frustration is understandable. If you'd like, we can try again with a different approach. I'd like to learn a bit about you if you'd be comfortable sharing. This space is for you so it's important to me that you feel comfortable in it. It sounds like you've had some pretty *** experiences, and I don't want this to be another one.
@Shadow j cant exaplain and dim what to say
life is too much and im falling apart. cant take jt anymore
@exuberantBlackberry9105
That's okay, it can be difficult to know what to say. There's no pressure to answer any questions I ask, either.
I'm really sorry life feels like too much right now. Things can get really hard to deal with. Did you want to share about what is making it feel like too much? I may not be able to respond quickly over the weekend but you're welcome to use this space to vent, share, yell, whatever you need to do.
@Shadow im so lonely, lunch break kills me everyday. the loneliness is killing me. i had made friends in my new school and it was going so well but someone else came in now and i hate her, she's so cruel and selfish. making me feel left out. everything hurts, makes me never wanna go to school again, makes me cry so much. i cant take it anymore. im so lonely and i have literally no one. i cant anymore
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Loneliness is a pretty awful feeling, I'm sorry you are dealing with it. It's terrible that someone new is pushing you out of your friend group. That's not fair to you and you deserve to be able to be a part of it just as much as anyone else. Are you able to hang out with your friends without her around at all?
I can understand never wanting to go to school again, it sounds like it's been pretty awful there for you lately. I know it may not be much, but I'm here whenever you need to vent. I'll always respond when I'm able to.
@Shadow to answer your question, yes, but only for 2 classes of the entire day. but is time spent while class is going on really time spent? she has got her claws deep into everyone. they like her. i hate her. why is it that only i have a probelm with her? i think she is purposefully doing things i dont like with me so that we cant get qlong but being nice to the rest. tryinf to make me feek left out
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Yeah, you can't do much while class is going on, it doesn't really feel like spending time with them. I'm sorry you aren't able to spend time with them outside of class.
It sucks that she has decided to treat you poorly and try to exclude you while being friends with everyone else. It also really sucks that nobody else seems to notice it. Is there anything specific that she is doing that makes you feel like she's purposely doing things you don't like? I'm really sorry you are feeling so left out, that's not a great feeling at all.
@Shadow she says im very "innocent" and "decent", whatever the helll that means. always calling me studious bc i go to school esrly and study in the library till classes start. but the thing that she does that makes me think she's purposely trying to annoy me is that she comes on me so much, doesnt understand space. if we are sitting at the same desk, her knees will often touch my knees and its so annoying. if we're sitting on the floor cross legged her thighs are litterally on top of mine like wth? i hate people who dont give me my physical space, wtf is the need to come on me like that? and i think she knows i dont like it bc once she put her arm around my shoulder and i pulled it off me. so she doesnt do that anymore but still comes close i guess to annoy me. also sorry to say this but she always stinks and makes it all worse. hate that stupid girl. life was good without her
@exuberantBlackberry9105
That sounds really frustrating. Personal space is really important to me, too, so I can understand being bothered by her being close and constantly touching you in some way or another. Do you think establishing some boundaries with her and telling her you would like for her to give you more space would be helpful in this situation? You shouldn't have to deal with someone always in your space.
I wonder if maybe she does these things because she likes you? That doesn't make it okay or any less irritating, but it sounds like she is offering compliments and wants to be near you. I could be wrong here, too. I don't know the entirety of the situation. It just seems like she likes to be close to you and usually people don't do that unless they like someone. I wonder what your thoughts on that possibility would be?
@Shadow i cant establish boundaries, sorry
oh helll no, she doesnt like me. since day 1 her sole goal seems to be to kick me out of the group. what compliment? there never was any. calling me innocent, decent, that's no compliment. that was her saying im different from the group, and bc im "innocent", im difficult to explain things to. and she said it herself when calling me inncocent etc, that bc ive already been part of this group and fit it, its fine now but otherwise id have been out like one other girl got out.
the studious part? oh my, that sure was no compliment. i forget to tell you what came with it. she told me im studious znd that i dont know how to have fun. that sounds like a compliment to you? it makes me feel so bad bc when im jn the library before school, i dont come out to see them till 15 minutes before class actually starts. even thought they arrive before
