Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @mytwistedsoul
Please don't read/post/subscribe/react/etc if you are not the people listed in the title! Thanks! <3
You seem pretty dang awesome, and I'd love to get to know you if you'd like <3 No pressure if you don't... Feel free to ignore if you're not interested <3
You have DID? (I feel like I knew this before but I forgot lol)
@jesusredeemedme2425 Yeah got diagnosed with it back in 2019
I forgot :(
@jesusredeemedme2425 That's alright. I'm still in denial some days 😅
How come?
Question: Am I talking to the same person every time?
@jesusredeemedme2425 Denial of it is part of it. One of the main "functions" of DID is denial. To live life mostly unaware of extreme abuse. It can be hard accepting that it was that bad growing up that others had to be created.
I get that in a way. I think I blocked something out… and idk what it is. Possibly my dad. He’s dead now. I may never know…
Not at all <3 I’m mostly just intrigued. How do I know who I’m talking to? Can all alters follow the same conversation if they weren’t the ones who initiated it?
Sorry I forgot. I have a deep cloud of brain fog… and my health is tanking. Especially last night…
@jesusredeemedme2425 If the conversation is in the same thread it's pretty easy to catch up and follow. Some have no desire to follow and interact.
Why are people mean like that??? :(
Oh, you don’t have to give names at all :) I was just curious <3
Eh, tbh it prolly wouldn’t change anything. I couldn’t fix it even if I knew what it was.
Migraine, which caused a massive panic attack, which causes nausea, dizziness, etc. I could barely get to the bathroom. It was bad. :(
@jesusredeemedme2425 I wish I knew the answer to this. People seem intent on causing harm to others.
I won’t trigger anybody out. That’s just mean. :(
Yep. Have you learned any good coping skills?
Yeah, but I don’t always pay attention to the pain until later.
@jesusredeemedme2425 Learned quite a few good coping skills but often forget them when they're needed most
Ok don’t hate me for asking this, but I’m curious lol. Does that lack of punctuation in the last post, compared to the others, signify a change of alter? (I notice the little things. Lol)
Yeah, they’re good in theory but idk about putting them into practice.
That sentence feels deeper than you meant it…
I mostly did. I realized that my jacket has been pulling on my neck and making my head hurt. That may be a key discovery. <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 Aww no hate at all. Actually it's kind of impressive that you noticed that. I don't think many other people have lol! We often use different greetings too
I’m autistic. I notice everything. Hehe… Except when people ask me about physical traits of other people. Like, I don’t even know what color their hair is. Lol
Exactly. Im too busy panicking to think about coping skills XD
I’m definitely always tense… That’s why I’m on 7Cups ;)
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm on the spectrum too but high functioning. Idk if I could describe someone's physical traits thiugh. I don't think I've ever had to before. I usually don't even remember their name immediately after they tell me it 😅
Heh. Your last two responses were from two different alters. I can’t unsee it now XD
Really? You have Aspergers too? <3
Dude I don’t either XD I don’t even hear it half the time while they’re telling me what it is lol
Yeah, I just shut down. Today a guy triggered me. I just… shut down. It’s better that way I guess, idk
Not really
@jesusredeemedme2425 I used to think it was impossible to have so many different things going on with one person but there's co-morbidity with everything it seems 😞
What do you mean?
Dude apologized and wants to make it right. I felt a lot better after that :)
How do you usually respond to stress and trauma?
@jesusredeemedme2425 I used to thinking you couldn't be depressed if you had anxiety. I couldn't have DID because I was first diagnosed with BPD. I couldn't have trauma because I don't remember it
I'm glad he apologized :)
Dissociation
Do you have any inking of the trauma?
How did you know you had DID?
I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this, and if it’ll perhaps seem offensive (please don’t judge), but I’m kinda jealous of people with DID. They can separate their trauma from their daily life in a way (I had a much better term in mind and I forgot it, sorry!). Like… They can forget. At least for awhile…
@jesusredeemedme2425 A little bit. There are a few bad memories that are my own
I thought the memories were tucked away by littles mostly? Do all alters have some amount of bad memories?
Was the therapist scared? Or did he understand DID and talk the protector down? Why was the protector triggered out? (No need to answer that if you don’t want to)
What’s just for a little while?
What does switching feel like?
Is it hard to date with DID?
I wish I could shove my memories and emotions into a box and lock them away…
@jesusredeemedme2425 It depends on the system. Some littles are trauma holders and others aren't. Each system is different
Does it depend on when the trauma happened?
Are your trauma holders littles?
Like… quit working with you, or quit entirely?
I didn’t know things could blend.
I wonder what causes the physical symptoms?
Why didn’t it end well?
Idk, I don’t really want to remember having a guy trying to break my finger and throwing me out of his car…
You never have to try to keep it short with me. <3 Be raw, be real, be you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 Not necessarily. Well sort of lol. DID forms in childhood but when we're older new trauma can cause splits. That creates a new part from an existing part
I don’t even remember a lot of my trauma, but it still affects me.
If he’s non-human, what is he?
How is it 4 littles if two are adults?
Do you know all the personalities of all of the other 15 alters?
Wow, that must be hard :(
Yeah, it would be really hard for me to date. I don’t trust men anymore.
If some of your alters are female or non-binary, what do you tell doctors your gender/sex is? Is it the one that matches your body parts, the one that matches what the host is, the one that the majority of the alters are, or something else?
Yeah… He broke me. Hard. :(
@jesusredeemedme2425 The brain has really good natural defense mechanisms. Painful things can be blocked or distorted to protect us. Traumatic memories are stored differently than regular memories. Even if we don't fully remember the triggers are still there
I feel like some specific memory is suppressed. Idk what it is.
I think I’ve heard of someone who had a rock as one of their alters.
I wish I could have a wolf alter. I feel like I’ve kinda subconsciously felt like that for a long time. Sorta. That, plus some sort of bird. It’s hard to explain.
Wow, that’s a lot of trauma holders… Is that how much trauma you’ve had? Or do they just share it in bits and pieces?
How does building trust work, if they are all technically you? (I hope that doesn’t sound offensive, I mean no harm) <3 How do the alters interact?
Yeah… I’m afraid of men, and yet I love them. It’s a weird juxtaposition.
Does that part mirror the body’s gender?
I had the option of pressing charges. I didn’t. I didn’t want to ruin his life (he was a friend of mine, after all), I have no interest in dealing with the government and stuff, and I wanted it to go away quietly with the church getting involved. He chose to just disappear and leave instead of reconciling.
@jesusredeemedme2425 Kind of like dissociative amnesia maybe? EMDR might help or be something to try
I’ve heard of EMDR, but idk about it.
That’s cool! I’d love to run like a wolf, galloping through the forest with no fear <3
I wonder why they share bits and pieces?
How do they not know about each other?
Attach to people who leave?
Yeah, some feel safer… but I’m still waiting for them to hurt me. And it’s more in person than online. I don’t even know most people’s genders on Cups lol
Yeah, I never heard from him again. I wonder how he’d act if we saw each other again by chance.
They did, but once he decided to leave, there wasn’t much else they could do. One of the group leaders, a friend of mine, more or less informally counseled me after that. But then… later she disappeared from my life too. Most of the people from that group ghosted me after awhile, especially after the group took a hiatus. It’s like I never existed.
@jesusredeemedme2425 keep getting an API error so have to figure out what the issue is
This site is so glitchy lol
You ok? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 Yeah - just got busy and quiet lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 The therapist talked about EMDR but that's as far as we got lol
Memories aren't always compartmentalized. Or they can be shared
The amnesia creates a barrier kind of like a wall. Or there might be a gatekeeper that keeps things separated. Some parts hide or sometimes go dormant. There can even be subsystems ( a system within a system)
People move on. Friendships end. They might have made promises that got broken. Little can attach to people they really like but then if something happens it can cause alot of problems. I won't leave or deny them - so they need to attach to me
That makes sense. The people who hurt you felt safe at one point too probably and then something bad happened. So there's a fear that it could happen again
Oh no :( I know people sometimes have to take a step back but I don't think they realize the problems just disappearing can cause. When people disappear like that it absolutely makes you feel like you never existed or mattered. I know people probably have their reasons to do so but geez alittle closure of sorts can really help
Oh lol
Weird, isn’t the point of having alters to compartmentalize?
How do gatekeepers work?
How do subsystems work?
Yeah, I attach easily too. And break when they leave.
Yeah, I hold abandonment fear…
Yeah, especially when it’s a LOT of people disappearing. It’s like, am I that broken? Like, I know I’m a mess, but I can’t be annoying THAT many people all at once…
@jesusredeemedme2425 It can depend on the system and how it works. Some can have access to "what happened" As healing progresses and there's integration memories can be shared. Or one part might have some memories and a different part other memories but it's the same event. (smh) It's kind of confusing tbh
I’m sorry I take so long to respond…
Is it confusing even in your system?
Access to the inner world? Wym?
That… is super confusing lol! So it’s kinda like the worst memories get locked up in smaller systems? So there’s no access to it?
Everyone does leave. I hate that. I think a lot of it may be that I scare them off, idk. Or maybe I’m just overthinking that part.
I wish I could stop eating… I’m like The Very Hungry Caterpillar. But I’m not hungry…
@jesusredeemedme2425 It's ok :) there's never any timeline and some of my replies are pretty long. Sorry about that. I try to explain but get caught up in the details lol
Does switching make public life harder?
Programs?
You said the gatekeeper controls access to the inner world.
Do those parts need rescuing?
Do you have people in your life who accept you the way you are? Like, who are ok with you switching, and they acknowledge and talk to each part as if they were their own person?
Yeah, like Torean said, it’s something I can control. And it brings good feelings. It’s very comforting in a world where I don’t know which way is up.
@jesusredeemedme2425 It can. Especially if it's stressful or triggering
I’m so sorry I’m so slow at responding, Twistie. It’s not you. It’s my mental block… My brain messes with me a lot, thinking that some things are hard to do, if that makes sense. Even drawing can feel like homework sometimes, and I love doing it!
Do people notice when you switch?
What’s RA/SRA?
Im confused… Specific tasks?
Why would they prevent the host from entering?
Why would they need rescuing? Why would it be dangerous?
I fully accept you <3 I hope that helps. <3
Why is it tentative and limited?
Do many people here know about your DID? Have they judged you for it?
What about your family?
Overeating makes me feel fat and bloated and disgusting… Disgusted with myself for having no self control.
@jesusredeemedme2425 It's ok! Don't worry about it. I have times when I just don't have it in me to write anyone. Like I don't have the energy for it or something
Remind me to respond later. Too loud here lol
You never reminded me and I forgot XD
@jesusredeemedme2425 I left the site for a while
You ok?
@jesusredeemedme2425 Sorry. Idk I just feel lost. It's been a long time since I've felt.... anything tbh.
Wanna talk?
Same… I go between feeling nothing and feeling everything. It’s so hard…
@jesusredeemedme2425 I used to do that - all or nothing. But lately it's just been nothing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. It is hard to deal with. Everything gets suppressed all the time and I don't know how to stop it
You’re coping.
Do all the alters feel nothing? Or just the host? (Do you have a host?)
@jesusredeemedme2425 Yes we have a host and co-host. J is the main host and I am the co-host. I help with day to day life and other things that might come up. My name is Logan. A protector has decided that big emotions are too much right now so he has been surpressing them for everyone.
Hi, Logan! Nice to meet you <3 Tell J I said hi too :)
I wish I had a protector like that… Especially this week.
@jesusredeemedme2425 It's nice to meet you too!
It's a rough week for you? I'm sorry that it is. Healing can be so very hard. We're big on distractions and busyness here. But some thing's this doesn't help and it doesn't actually solve anything. Do you see someone? A counselor or a therapist? You're welcome to talk about it here, if you'd like.
If it bothers you that myself or any of the others come here will you please let us know? We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
It’s been tough because of Mom’s illness. ER visits and such aren’t fun… Finally kinda caught up of my sleep tho.
I’ve spent WAY too many hours on 7Cups lol! I think I’m using it to cope…
I have, but I haven’t found a good therapist yet. A lot of negative experiences…
Absolutely not, quite the opposite! I’d love to meet the alters <3 I feel so honored that you’re telling me names, introducing them to me… Are you aware of how much of a privilege it is for you to trust me with these things, especially things that more than likely almost no one here knows? I am so honored to be trusted like that <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm sorry to hear that she's ill. Anything involving hospitals and doctors is never any fun. Do they know what's wrong with her? You're very close to her?
We’re very close. Have you seen Gilmore Girls? She’s Lorelei, and I’m Rory.
She went to the doctor today, and he had good insights and tried some meds for her.
Unfortunately, this isn’t my first rodeo with hospitals…
I didn’t sleep much last night…
It’s more of an overwhelm. 7Cups in general has kept me same for so long… I just try to do too much all at once.
Yeah, one of mine had anger issues.
Im honored that you trusted me like that… Will I meet more of them? <3
I’m curious… Who have I been talking to over the course of our chat? Predominately at least?
I absolutely want to honor and see and acknowledge the alters <3
Check my latest post in General Support… I went deep.
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'll check it out!
Thanks :)
I just wanted to give you a heads up (I’m sending this to all my active penpal chats):
I’ve been on 7Cups a lot lately and typing is bothering my carpal tunnel. I’ve also been reaching burnout, and haven’t been accomplishing things I want to do lol!
So I may be slow in responding, while giving my hand and my mind a bit of a rest. Please be patient with my slower responses! <3
ALSO… If I ever take longer than maybe 5 days to respond, the notification may have disappeared. Just send me a reminder post to send me a new notification, to remind me to respond :)
Thanks for understanding! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 No worries!
@jesusredeemedme2425 I don't think any of us have ever watched that show. Heard of it but never watched it. We don't watch much tv anymore. I think it's really cool that you two have a really close relationship
It's good to hear the doc had some good insights - I hope the new meds help. I hope it helps her feel better
Yeah you have to be careful with your energy here. In general it can be a great place but it can burn you out quickly - plus with the carpal tunnel
Oh that's no good. An angry therapist would be triggering - along with scary and hard to open up to
For the most part I think just me and him. Logan is a good guy - pretty down to earth. It's been years since he's told anyone his name here - kind of surprised tbh - not many people notice the differences - so. There might might a few more lol We're more cautious with some
You should watch at least one episode :)
Yeah, I love my mommy and she loves me <3
She seems to be doing quite a bit better :)
But I love it hehe
Yeah, it wasn’t fun lol
How is it chosen who fronts the most? Or does it just happen?
Wow, he trusts me enough to tell me his name <3
The differences are subtle but noticeable to me :)
Why cautious?
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'll have to check it out
Let me know what you think! <3
My mommy is amazing <3
What would they want to do, that the others wouldn’t do? Like, if they wanted to do dishes, wouldn’t someone else do it too? How does that kinda thing work? (Idk if that made any sense lol)
Awww thank you <3
Please tell him I would love to be a safe outsider for him <3
Play nicely?
What would they be afraid of?
Tell the littles they are absolutely welcome here <3 I mean, I act like a 5-year-old all the time… I’m autistic. Let the butt jokes begin! Hehe. I also like kids books and puppies and stuffed animals and games and stuff… All kid stuff hehe
Where would the littles hang out? Could you make them a safe place for DID littles to play?
Do they post without identifying themselves? Do they stay on topic?
Who made your account? Was it originally supposed to be used by just one alter, on multiple?
@jesusredeemedme2425 It wasn't too bad. I saw the episode where the girl (Rory) was supposed to be writing a book or helping to write an autobiography but the woman kept talking about a children's book about a whale and a mouse or rabbit as Rory said. And Lorelei's father left money in a trust for Luke to build his restaurant empire
Ohhhh “The Year in the Life” was NOT that good lol! You gotta watch the original. Year in the Life was really dark and depressing lol
What are your hobbies? What happens if you switch in the middle of working on one of those hobbies?
Have they done that? Have you gotten into trouble at all?
Yeah… I can relate. People hurt me or leave all the time…
Hehe I’d like that :)
Where else would littles hang out?
What do alters do when they’re not fronting? Do they go anywhere, or just go dormant for a bit?
Why wasn’t that alter aware of the others? Was it before a diagnosis?
A note for her?
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'll have to look for that one. (We would be drawn the the dark and depressing one lol)
All of you would be drawn to the darker one? Or just some?
It’s on Netflix btw :)
Hopefully they switch at a good stopping point… Having a glue gun plugged in wouldn’t be a good time lol
It’s weird how they censor that word, because, it’s like… an actual word. Lol
How does one read or paint in the inner world? Is listening to music in the inner world like the mental radio that plays in my head constantly?
That must be really weird… Not understanding what’s going on.
Was that weird? Seeing a post it note that you didn’t write?
Forgive me if any of this seems weird or rude or anything… Writing while Mom’s Netflix plays is very distracting lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 Just some :)
Hehe the humor in the shows is HILARIOUS! So many random pop culture references, the quick on your feet humor, the gentle digs at each other hehe
The grandparent thing is part of the draw lol! It’s dramatic but funny at the same time :) Not overwhelmingly stressful either.
Hehe you will probably start binging episodes. Trust me, it’s THAT good hehe
Idk if this sounds dumb, but is there a way to broadcast into the inner world, “I’m cooking now, so don’t you guys DARE switch with me until the food is done!” Lol
I think they’re trying to avoid offsite contact.
I’m sure it’s hard to explain… I can imagine. I know you’re not crazy either lol! Or hallucinating. This is a real thing…
Crazy… How some of you know certain people and some don’t… That must be really unsettling.
How does the handwriting change?
Ginny and Georgia. :)
I’ve been meaning to ask you for literal MONTHS lol… What are your thoughts on DissociaDID?
Tonight’s challenge: Knock out at least one “Needs Reply” post <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'll see what I can find ❤️
I’m struggling…
@jesusredeemedme2425 How can we help?
Idk
Multiple people keep telling me to rest, because I’m so burnt out… My hand has been hurting a ton lately. But I’m so antsy… I need to be helping people, drawing, giving out tracts, serving… But idk how. I don’t want to be idle. I want to keep loving people! :(
I’m so close to a breakdown…
@jesusredeemedme2425 Would soaking your hand help any? I think it's really nice that you want to keep helping people but if you keep pushing yourself your body will make you take a break. What about a speech to text thing? Where you talk and it turns it to text?
It’s not the wrist thing really… I mean it is… But it’s… more.
@jesusredeemedme2425 How about a heating pad? They offer a little more coverage. Heat is supposed to promote healing. Or ice if the area is swollen? You've probably tried all these!
It’s not that… I’m so close to a breakdown.
@jesusredeemedme2425 Oh! I'm sorry it took me a minute to catch on. What helps during the these times? Is there someone you can talk to? You can talk here too of course. Are you safe? Were there triggers or is it just a build up. I'm sorry I'm afraid I'm probably saying all the wrong things
You’re fine lol
Idk… I’m just overwhelmed…
I’m safe. I’m always safe. No matter how depressed I get… I never get that far.
It’s a build up of constantly being “on” and on alert and working and “being ready on beck and call”… I very rarely get an actual day off. I’m always on alert, on standby…
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm glad you're safe ❤️
That would be stressful. You'd almost have to half afraid to start anything for fear of being called into work. That would add to any hyper vigilance too I bet 😕
I don’t mean for work… I mean taking care of my mom.
I could take a week off… And still be in hyper vigilant mode. My life is h*****h…
@jesusredeemedme2425 Oh. That is a hard job to have. It's 24/7. Does she need a lot of help? Could someone from the church step in? Could you get a caregiver through the council of aging? Even if it's just every other day or even just a few hours would probably be helpful too. You shouldn't have to do it all yourself. I know it's easier said that done
I went through that with my grandparents
She needs a lot of help, and I’m the only one who can be there 24/7 (except when I’m at work of course). She trusts me the most.
Council of aging?
What happened with your grandparents?
@jesusredeemedme2425 Of course she trusts you. You have a good relationship but it can be a strain. And with the hospital scare you both had.
Grandfather had a heart attack. Grandmother had Alzheimer's. He went before her and she would ask about him all the time. And then she started not knowing who I was. She od'd 3 times because she would forget she took something
Yeah…
Aw man… That’s so hard. I’m so sorry…
@jesusredeemedme2425 Thank you ❤️ Does she have a friend that could come sit with her maybe twice a week? Just for 2 or 3 hours? I know it's not much but maybe it would give you a little time to not have to worry and be on call
I'm guessing you don't live in the US? The council of aging can help you find helpers or people to mow - I think they have community centers too where older folks can visit and play chess or bridge
I saw your other thread and I wasn't sure what to say. They seem to think you mean a break here too and I didn't want to put you on the spot or anything
No one we know we’ll enough or that she would be comfy with.
She’s not old, she’s just sick.
I do live in the US, I just know nothing XD
A break here? Wym?
Put me on the spot how?
@jesusredeemedme2425 Oh 😕 Although I do understand the trust part. It's hard to find people you can trust
Yep.
Well… You’re right about the last sentence ;)
@jesusredeemedme2425 Take the weekend. Unplug. No one will get upset with you for looking after yourself
I will, tho.
What’s my next move? I did some hygiene self care and I was thinking about creating a playlist, since mine disappeared once I deleted a music app. What else? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 Who does the cooking? Would making a menu type thing help any during the week? How about a list of movies you'd like to watch? Or a summer must read list?
We don’t have kitchen access, so it’s mainly microwaved foods and salads.
Idk…. I’m going through my huge stack of books, and have 3 more boxes in storage.
Did you read about what I’m doing with Netflix lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 Oh no kitchen access would be hard. I think missed that comment about Netflix
Yep
I start watching a movie for 5 minutes, and if it’s lame after 5, I change lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 Lol! Hey if it works.... I usually turn it off if it starts in a language I can't speak and I have to rely on subtitles to understand what's going on.
Yeah, I like multitasking, so subtitles are generally out for me lol
