Letters from the Lilypad and the Lance (Pen Pal Chat)
Pen Pal Chat of @BastionKnight and @azurePond
Salutations, Knight!
I was thinking it might be nice to have a personal chat with you. I already have chats going with Kiara and Bear — both of which they started — so I felt it was time I initiated one myself.
When I thought about who to message, your name came to mind immediately. You were one of the first people to comment on my poems, and both you and withpeACE made me feel so welcome on 7cups. That meant a lot to me.
I hope it’s okay that I reached out. I know you’re in recovery right now and in the hospital... so I won’t bother you much — just thought it might be nice to stay in touch, exchange a few pleasantries or ideas when we can.
Just a heads up: I sometimes disappear for a bit or may not always be online, but I’ll make sure to keep you in the loop and give you a heads-up if I go quiet.
So, what do you think — is that alright with you?
@azurePond
Greetings most esteemed Lady of Blue Waters,
You have been very patient with me, and I am grateful. I have looked forward to reading your letters, and each new one induces a delighted buzz that always sets my day on a positive note. So much so, that I frequently re-read them both as a feel-good top-up and for the smiles your humour coaxes free.
I said I would reveal my thoughts on the tapestry that is the warp and weft of AzurePond according to my observations, so I shall begin there.
Initially when I first had the good fortune to come across your poetry and then read your comments and forum posts I had imagined you were in your mid to late thirties. The depth of your emotional range, the maturity of your various positions, and your wide knowledgebase gave off an air experience that had me subconsciously assuming you were within that age range. I would still have held that notion were it not for various hints you have given in our personal correspondence which now leads me to believe you are in your early twenties...i am thinking between 22 and 26, leaning more to the former. When I contemplate who AzurePond is, I have an impression of a woman who perhaps lives in a gilded cage. You mentioned a couple of terrible experiences from your past, and that cemented further the view I held of you as a person who had suffered greatly but who had not been allowed the avenues to express it; a hyper intelligent individual who has an intensity of feeling that is amplified by her cognitive ability. Abilities that perhaps are not appreciated, and so she must constantly seek to prove and compete. Being able to rationalise so thoroughly, she may have insights into her emotions that others who might be more emotionally prosaic do not. Yet that does not provide comfort or relief, but only heightens her awareness of them and makes them harder to ignore or sublimate them. Furthermore, I think perhaps it also causes her to second-guess them, seek to justify, and at the same time compare and try to be dismissive of them. More, and more I can see and understand the maelstrom. Yet all these powerful emotions do not make her explosive or attention hungry. Do not mistake me, I think she does indeed have a very strong hunger for attention, specifically recognition from those who should care for her. But it does not bleed out into her interactions with others. It is below the surface, and carefully controlled by a strong sense of decorum, a keen sense of civility and kindness, and an understated anxiety about what others might think of her. I get the impression she has to constantly fight to be shown recognition for her strengths and successes, which leads her to compare herself unfavourable. I believe she holds some rather uncharitable thoughts towards herself especially regarding her preferences and needs. Yet simultaneously, she has a rebels heart. She has so much empathy, but her mind is both one of her greatest assets and her Achilles heel. If I were to commission a painting of AzurePond, it would be of a young woman in an exotic but carefully controlled garden, surrounded by ornate Indo-Saracenic/Persian architecture that is impressive but cold. She would be surrounded by many colourful individuals in motion, almost like flocks of birds, that are near her yet not actually directly interacting with her. There would be a water feature, nearly hidden in the mass of colours, textures and movement, and though the scene would be clearly showing a daylight vista, the still water would be reflecting moonlight. There would be lots of small touches in the painting of bookcases filled with not only volumes, but unusual and interesting artifacts, and almost hidden alcoves of scrolls, writing materials, and sheafs of paper. And in a shadowy entrance hall that leads on to the main enclosed garden scene, there would be an unidentifiable figure looking on.
I think you hold yourself to too high a standard, and conversely believe about yourself that you are more demanding than is reality. It feels like you are overlooked, or even denigrated, but that you do not allow yourself to get angry about it enough. I am not sure if it is because you have grown resigned to this status quo, or if it is because you doubt yourself because of your unrelenting intellectualising your feelings...or maybe even a bit of both. I believe you a controlled individual, and that spills over into your habits and choices; clean, fit, eloquent, academic, neat, and not overly tactile. Like you are being trained as a superhuman for some undefined role. But those who set you on this path, or by their machinations influenced you to walk it did not realise you had an inner fire that they could douse but not quench. You are creative and expressive in a way that seeks to touch and change the world. Maybe that IS your tactile approach to the world? You are a fierce dichotomy of opposing inner forces. No wonder you have trouble sleeping....I doubt if your mind ever switches off.
But this is just my impressions, and might be wildly inaccurate. You do not need to say if anything is correct or not, as I value my friends privacy. It was just to let you know what I had thought from what I had observed. In the simplest terms, you are funny, you are engaging, and you are a perfect individual regardless of what anyone else might lead you to believe.
I am so happy that you liked your coat of arms. *Smiles*. I spent a lot of time trying to choose what I had hoped would be something you would like and find meaningful to you. It was especially gratifying hearing about your dream of the guardian beasts that are now standing rampant on your crest. Your praise you bestowed means more to me than you might realise. I am delighted you like it, and it was an honour creating it for you. It belongs to you now.
So you do not have peaceful dreams either? Are they simply tumultuous or perhaps they are normally as action driven as the lady who has them? I hope they are not often unpleasant. Bad dreams might make for fertile fantasy fodder but they are not conducive to restful repose.
It was a relief hearing you say you have people in your life who love and cherish you. I wish that on everyone, as all deserve to feel that way. And I am honoured to be mentioned as part of that group. Yet still there is the little signs that you are not happy;
Sometimes I think if my life were a reality show… people would make sad little edits of me and they would like me and root for me yk? “She deserves happiness #GiveAzurePondAHappyEnding.”
You are witty, and I love your humour. But you joke about things that you feel, and you cover it with humour and self depreciation. I very much understand that. I am not suggesting you don't do it, (as I adore your clever comments and amusing asides), but I just want you to know that I am paying attention, and if you ever feel the need to whisper a little sadness to me, I will sit with you and listen.
Saying that, I admit I got a little teary eyed with your comments along a similar line directed to me. It is very much appreciated *Smiles and bows humbly*
So your birthday is July too....I hope I have not now missed it. If I have, belated birthday wishes to you, and if not, well I hope that when it does arrive it is a fantastic day filled with all sorts of pleasures and pleasant experiences.
Alas, I am not as methodical as you when it comes to writing a response. I had a big smile about your practise of putting it all into a google doc and then working through line by line, deleting once you have responded to a particular point. My method is more chaotic; I keep reopening and reading your letters as I start to write...but then i get side tracked, or start reading another of your letters, and my concentration on what I intended to write goes all wibbly.
I appreciate your encouragement for me to get back to writing properly again. Saying you missed my poems made my heart go all fluttery, so no doubt I am going to be walking about all puffed-out chest tomorrow.
Thank you also for your responses on my song recommendations. It is funny, but it made me feel an odd sense of pride, as well as relief. Strange isnt it...after all, I did not write the songs or perform them, and yet the anticipation of your response to them makes one feel so anxious. I guess it is partly because for me it feels like giving a window into parts of me I do not show. My choices are not just elements of taste, but have personal meaning. Thus one feels nervous about how another person will react to them. Also, I guess it is part of the hope for a sense of shared alignment which further fosters and strengthens kinship. I am overthinking all of this, so I shall stop. Your replies to each of them were perfect. I do not know what I was hoping for, but each comment hit the mark and left me feeling all giggly-good.
"like a divine ache. Humans reaching out to the stars." YES!!! You put it better than I ever could.
*Nodnodnods to all your comments, and grins and nods to your analysis of the song by Supergrass"
Maybe I should start employing your method of letter replying, for I am sure I will have missed answering things I intended to. For now I shall draw to a close, and wish you sweet dreams.
Till next we speak, yours faithfully,
BastionKnight
@BastionKnight Thank you Knight but you are sooo wrong (except the age range)... but maybe you are right I want the world to see Azure Pond like that, maybe Azure Pond is really like that .. But I am a really bad person.. and I do let out my anger.. that is part of the problem...I have anger issues, I hurt people and not just with words... tody ehhh yesterday I hit my sister on her arm... that is assault..I should be put in a psych ward but she just packed her bags and then moved out of the family house, she came to celebrate my birthday ..and thats what i do ..i am a dishonourable person , who cannot control her anger, broke my phone, threw a temper tantrum, scared my little brother (that was the lowest I could ever get) and left home..that is who I am . Not very lady like. I am not a rebel nor am a victim. tbh, I am the perpetrator in most cases. This happened hours ago and I should probably go back and face the music now.. which i deserve (dont worry - my dad will just shout at me and will send me away or something - nothing serious...) so yeah.. Azure Pond is great but the "me" who is currently a popsicle in early morning air ....is the exact opposite of that.
PS - I’ll probably regret sending this but here it is anyway... a lot of people around here think I’m some kind of angel and tbh it’s exhausting. It feels like I’m fooling everybody here but I wanna say I am not... those acts o kindness were never fake. And maybe if someone ever stumbles across this I just… Idk. I guess I’d want them to know the truth.
@azurePond
*Comforts you, and offers an unconditional virtual hug to help soothe*
You are not a bad person. Trust me when I say I have encountered individuals one would have extreme difficulty in finding anything good in. They would fit that label perhaps, but not you.
I imagine you are unhappy and cold (where cold: I hope in the hours since you sent this and I awoke and saw it, that you have made your way to somewhere warm). We all make mistakes or do things we rue with hindsight. Would a bad person be regretting their actions? I think probably not. You are not trying to sugar coat your deeds, nor even offer explanation but instead go right to the self punishment. That is indicative of someone who empathises, and who contemplates when they err without justifying and excusing their actions to themselves. That is what good people do. I am sorry you are hurting, and this all happening around your birthday (seems like really unfortunate timing).
I understand that living up to an ideal that others may have of you, or that you try to self impose is exhausting. I apologise if anything I have ever said has exacerbated his for you. You do not need to pretend to me, I am just as happy to see the hurricane as I am when the wind sings gently. But I do not want you to punish yourself. You said it yourself, your acts of kindness were never fake. The imposter syndrome is an insidious feeling which once it gets its claws in, is hard to dislodge. You say my view of you is so wrong. Perhaps I misread certain elements, or get details incorrect, but the essence of who you are as a person I doubt is as far off the mark as you now claim. The internal war is evident from the very first line you replied with, as you move from denial and rejection to conceding and uncertainty to partial tentative agreement. You ARE a good person. Fierce emotions, fierce intellect, and multiple factors that compete to keep those two roiling facets contained. A recipe for a pressure burst.
I will not try to excuse you striking your sister, I do not think you need that nor would I lie to you and say it is ok. Your attack on yourself is evidence that you don't think it was the right thing to do, and that you punish yourself by feeling bad about it. But I do want to try to mollify you and help you see that this is not as terrible as you might feel it is. You were angry, and whether the reaction was commensurate to the cause or not is irrelevant for the moment...you got angry. Well that emotion does not often spring from nothing. It is rare that in an argument or disagreement that gets heated that either side is blameless for ramping up the stakes. The adage 'it takes two to tango' fits almost every argument I have ever witnessed. So the issue is more, why were you so upset and what triggered things to go so far? Without seeking to apportion blame, what exactly caused the argument, and then why did that become so important that it escalated things so far? (You don't have to answer, these can be just rhetorical questions). Beating yourself up about the reaction isn't going to make you or your sister feel better. This isn't about acquiescing...for all I know the cause of the argument could very well be totally justified. It is about seeing why you are upset and driven to such extremes of emotion in the heat of the moment. Nor is it about suppression either. Emotions are volatile sometimes. They can be unpredictable. We enjoy sunny days, but we do not fix the sun in place and let it boil away the oceans and turn everything to arid dust.
I am betting that you have gone through all these thought processes hours ago, and that my words are arriving after your lightning mind has already gone through each and every permutation. But maybe still, by hearing another's voice added to your own it might make some things you find harder to accept that little bit easier to give some credence to.
You should not be put in a psych ward. It hurts hearing that you feel that way. Things clearly got out of hand, but again, with distance maybe comes perspective? You feel bad because you scared your little brother...(the brother who comes to you to cuddle for comfort and security I presume?) ...because you feel it shatters the 'illusion' that you have built up with him, and you felt some pride at being that comforting presence. Well, firstly it is not Illusory. You DO make your brother feel safe and comforted, otherwise he would not come to you. I imagine that his apparent fright was also quite a fair bit of concern for his sister...not a concern borne of logic, but that gut feeling that we do not understand in the moment and just feel. Raw emotion. The outburst was probably startling (and even the bravest of us can be startled by things which make us jump or surprise us) and he couldn't do anything to help at that moment. It is an upsetting feeling, but probably far less intense than you are worrying it was. He will be fine, and I am sure he would be far more appreciative of a reassuring hug than he would of you wandering alone, berating yourself, telling yourself you are this awful beasty, and making you feel low.
You had told me you were a storm before. I never doubted you could be, but likewise never saw it as negating anything else I saw in you. It is just another facet. So you threw a temper tantrum...so you threw your toys out of your pram...every single one of us has at some point done just that. It hasn't change my perspective of you, nor has it in any way diminished my respect for you. (That by the way was not me trying to shoehorn you back into a angel mould for which you feel uncomfortable and unsustainable, but rather saying..."yoohoo, i see you! and I accept every part of you").
I am going to say something totally stupid and impossible now, but the emotion behind it is hopefully what counts even if the ask is foolish; please try not to regret telling me this. I do not want you to try to live up to an ideal you think people want to see. I just want you to be you. I consider you my friend because of who you are, not what you might be.
Let's nip a couple of things in the bud; you are NOT dishonourable. You are NOT bad. You are NOT this horrid instigating persona you are trying to convince me you are. I think you have had a lot of times with someone/some people telling you you are 'less than' to the point that you believe it. I am not just pulling this out of a hat, or basing it solely on things you have written. I discern similarities between you and my own little sister (she is always going to be little in my eyes even though we are very close in age). You are both very, very different people, but there are parallels when it comes to the issue of anger and how you both reflect on it.
Does it matter if you are not ladylike? Who says you have to be? And why do you think you are not ladylike...because you get upset, or angry? Is getting angry something you think precludes you from being a rebel? ....Joan of Arc...pretty darn angry and a rebel. Morgana La Fey...one could argue an epitome of ladylike, very very angry, and a rebel too. Malala Yousafzai, one might argue a very brave rebel, and yet still ladylike. Frida Kahlo, a rebel, and not what one might consider classically ladylike...but not diminished in the slightest for not being that way. Elizabeth Bennet, what a rebel, and at times angry too. Still ladylike, even when being unladylike. (Maybe that is in fact the true essence of being a lady? Being a lady even when not being a lady). Eowyn, Princess Leia, Sophia Duleep Singh, Mata Hari, Princess Mononoke, Alecia Beth Moore-Hart (aka Pink)...the list goes on and on. And I BET that every single one of them had at least a moment or two in their lives when they would have thrown their phone in a fit of pique and destroyed it.
You aren't the opposite of AzurePond. You are a complex and complicated individual, and that is not a bad thing. Tell me how I can help. Let's just see how we can make things better, okay?
@BastionKnight
First of all let me start with apologies for worrying you. I am not the most reasonable person when I am angry.So here’s what actually happened....I was in a fight with one of my brothers. He was not supposed to be there but my sister invited him so that we could patch up. It got heated — I was about to punch him and my sister tried to break it up. She got caught in the middle and got hit on the arm. That set her off — rightfully — and she snapped saying something like, “If you guys are going to fight here, I’m leaving.” She started packing. And in classic dramatic fashion, I was like “Fine, I’m leaving too” grabbed my backpack and laptop and stormed out. (It was not on my birthday, small mercies)
PS - I am glad that you included Elizabeth Bennet, Frida Kahlo, Princess Leia and Princess Mononoke in that list..... and I laughed thinking about Princess Mononoke throwing a phone at the ground lol..good kinda laugh.
In gratitude, I’m sending you a lotus from my gallery — it once graced my profile picture. Feels like it carries a bit of me with it
@azurePond
Hello Lady Lilypad,
I have said it before, you never need apologise to me. Worrying about someone they care about is a friends prerogative. From what you have told me about the run up to the argument, it sounds like there may have been good intentions, but also a fair amount of others thinking they know best. You let others of the hook very easily, but you do not extend the same courtesy to yourself, even when you only did the same thing they did (walking out to remove yourself from a situation). You say stormed out, I say helped move towards defusing a situation by removing yourself from it and allowing yourself and others a chance to cool down. I do not pretend to understand what your brother has done to you, but if there is such enmity between you, it seems unreasonable for your sister to drop that on you without warning. Whatever her intentions were, it wasn't fair. And you didn't try to hit her, yet she took it personally. When she made it about her by leaving, she wasn't exactly helping anything. This isn't a dig at her, as it is a normal and understandable reaction. I am just trying to show you that you are not the sole protagonist.
You keep suggesting your actions and requests are unreasonable. From whose perspective? I hope these words do not reignite any anger, because I really would not wish that. I can understand though that when you are feeling low, sometimes even kind words don't help. Sometimes the anger wants to play out, wants to eat itself and spend its energy. So in that vein;
Breathe: Breaking Benjamin
Vampire: Olivia Rodrigo
Ich Hasse Dich: Farin Urlaub
Natural: Imagine Dragons
Loch Ness: Judas Priest
O Fortuna: Carl Orff
Life is a Lemon: Meat Loaf
I want to break free: Queen
I am sorry to hear about the panic attack. You really sound like you are running on fumes. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Moreover, I wish you could see yourself as I see you, and as i am sure many others see you. Despite what you might worry, it is not just a mirage. Your caring and compassionate side is beautiful and glowing, and it makes others feel better about themselves. *Puts up a massive all encompassing mirror so that maybe at some point you will catch a glimpse of your reflection and see what we see*
I am pleased to hear that you will be going to somewhere that might allow you a bit of breathing space. I don't like words like 'sent' and 'can continue', as I do not like the idea that others make choices on your behalf without consulting or involving you. I hope you were not offended by the gilded cage reference. I did not mean to imply you had a privileged or entitled life, but rather that the security and resources you were provided were given on uneven terms. It made my heart ache on your behalf when you said that the cage was not to keep you in but to keep others safe from you. Why do you believe that? Why would anyone who cares about you let you believe that about yourself? It isn't fair, and it isn't kind. I am sorry anyone has ever made you feel that way.
Don't worry about replying. Take all the time you need, and just sort things out how you need them. I want to reassure you, you have not shown anything bad. There is no 'worst of you', just parts of you. We all have things about ourselves we might wish to alter. You are still awesome, even if you don't feel it right now.
(I am glad the image of Princess Mononole going full rage-fest on a mobile phone pleased you)
Thank you for the image, especially as it means something personal to you. Thus it means even more to me.
I am here if you need me, but take all the time you need.
@BastionKnight Dearest Knight,
Here it goes..the not so mysterious Azure Pond's cliche story.
Million little things accumulated like that.
But then again, he never knew how to raise children. He was single man trying to train a group of war generals.
*deep breath *
*paces around the room*
*comes back *
I hope you are taking care of yourself. *Sending you good vibes *
Sincerely,
Lady Lilypad
@azurePond
Hello AzurePond,
I apologise that my reply has come so many hours later. I had not slept for 25 hours, and was checking to see if you had replied but alas, sleep finally overcame me and I was out for the count until now.
*Smiles gently*
Your family story is hard hitting and I would not wish the sort of experiences you and your family have endured to be foisted on anyone. You describe your relationships with your siblings with clarity and emotional eloquence. I certainly understand why your therapist says that you intellectualise your emotions. You play to one of your best strengths, especially it seems when things threaten to spill over into uncontrolled territory. Giving people quarter and trying to understand their position is admirable, and certainly a healthy addition to one’s toolbox. But I think you realise that maybe you are giving too much and accepting to much and apportioning a disproportionate amount of cause at your own door.
You wield humour so effortlessly, and I can see why you use it as a shield too. Giving yourself that moment of breathing space to let your brain get back in the driving sea when the heart has gotten a little too unchained for your comfort zone.
Your mind never seems to slow down. I freely admit that I am seeing all of this in snapshots, as each missive is but a moment...and from what i gather from the things you write, probably when your emotional aspect is being given a little greater free reign (or just spilling out in another format that you can control and edit should you need to). It must be tiring, always balancing these myriad aspects.
It is so sad that you place everyone but yourself on a pedestal... or if not a pedestal, then at least a position of superiority in one way or another. I know that you are aware how proficient and talented you are, so why keep giving ground in your mind to everyone else, especially those that hurt you?
Thank you by the way for trusting me enough to tell me these very personal things about your situation. I would like to think that it will make things maybe a little easier? Not by changing the immediate scenario, nor alter how you think and feel about your past, but rather by facilitating an even more comfortable dynamic between us: You have given me a glimpse behind the curtain, and so hopefully now will feel less pressure to conform to any imagined ideal. (Not that you ever had to, but I fully empathise with the position one can feel compelled to maintain).
“Thank you for being the Knight-at-arms in this crusade with me. And well… thank you for being worried about me.” Any time, my friend. You lead the charge and I shall carry your banner beside you.
I completely understood what you said about your eldest brother, and your link with not wanting to rely on me either for similar reasons. I do not feel you are dumping anything on me, nor would I ever have thought you tone deaf. But I appreciate that it concerns you. So let me reassure you that I am not weighed down, nor trying to solve anything on your behalf. I do not think you need rescuing, (nor would most likely appreciate such thoughts being directed towards you). I just wish to stand with you shoulder to shoulder and encourage you as you gain your own victories. But never forget that I am still here SHOULD you need it.
The dynamics with your siblings sounds complex and layered. There is an undercurrent of comparison always running through everything you write about them, yet always with them being given that extra bit more than you reserve for yourself. It is sad that your eldest brother, with whom you seem to share such positive traits, is still an unknown and you to him too. When you said “neither of us knows when (the) other is bleeding”, I could very much visualise the type of connection.
I thought it very bitter-sweet that you have on the one hand such a bond with your second brother and yet are still strangers in other respects. It is quite the compliment for your bother to state he would not attend events without your involvement. Just goes to show how much your company means to people.
Again, there is that sadness in the relationship with the brother you fought with. “We used to be so close”. Your virtual twin. He may have been through a lot, and he might blame you for certain things....but you went through stuff yourself too. He does not hold the merit badge for pain, nor is it a get-out-of-jail-free card for turning his sadness and anger on you. It may be understandable, and even natural...but it doesn’t mean you have to accept it all and take it on your own shoulders. You are not your families therapist. So until they start paying you a humunganormous salary for that role, and come to you in your lavishly appointed, mostly white decorated, and brightly lit office at a scheduled appointment time, Lady Lilypad gets as much consideration and leeway as she is prepared to give them!
I truly admire how you lead with positives with all your siblings, even when there is strife or difficulties. I get the impression that you in some way are giving them the kudos and care that you (all?) were/are denied by your parents.
It is lovely that you had your ‘gang’ with your sister, Z and A. I feel such a strong sense of nostalgia in the things your write. I hope you have many beautiful memories of your time together, especially with A. It is a cruel irony that even when immersed in pleasure, we do not recognise how wonderful those moments are until they are in our rear-view mirror.
I am truly sorry for those traumatic moments which shaped your earlier years. It sounds like you all had it very tough. The example of your father and the things he said to you and your brother really astounded me. I do not mean the following as making light of your situation at all, but I am even more put in mind of The Fall of the House of Usher” than ever before.
I will not belabour the finer details you raised with the things you wrote about your parents. I can see that you have analysed it all on an intellectual level, so nothing I would say would add anything you did not already know. I dislike cruelty with more vehemence than I would normally express, and struggle not to have a knee-jerk reaction when it comes to anything that causes children to suffer or be robbed of innocence. I know that there is a school of thought that says that pity is in some way condescending, but I have never subscribed to that mindset. When I feel what your story made me feel, there is not a better way to describe it, and the empathy it fosters. Not that I thought for a second that was a reaction you wanted. I just wished to be truthful with you.
So, the one thing I will say is kudos to you and your siblings! You are excelling even with your challenges. I am even more impressed with Lady Lilypad than I was before....and I was pretty darn impressed to start with!
*Smiles*
You listened to all the songs? It was very gratifying to hear that they clamed you. Sometimes when I am worried, or in significant pain I will use music to get me out of myself for a while. Certain songs can have such a cathartic effect for me. Is it similar for you? Something about a particular rhythm, or a certain lyric, or a punchy chorus can just transport me and momentarily rewire my nervous system so that it connects to my heart and bypasses the brain entirely...which is why hippo red fish, mash potato swing onto stable train at under on yes part monkey glass wibwibdafoil whilst listening to music and writing.
*Catches the good vibes you sent and places them in a jar to save for later*
Regarding Bastion: All is good, as is the default. I amused myself by ending every sentence with ‘in accordance with the prophecy’. It certainly made shopping more interesting, and ordering a coffee and a bagel took a bit more time than it probably would have otherwise. As the adage says...if at first you don’t succeed...bamboozle those blanks stares with random gibberish.
Happulgently and Effulgladly yours,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Thank you, dear Knight, for your patience. I've read and re-read your letter and I've drafted a first reply. I'll send it to you soon. Take care. Stay hydrated. Also, try to get some sleep <3
@azurePond
Take your time, there is no rush. Have a relaxing weekend
*Smiles*
@BastionKnight Ah Weekend!! totally slipped my mind!" * bonks head gently on the desk like a cartoon character *
@BastionKnight Dearest Knight,
I present to you - the letter that was promised but arrived late
Oh Knight, do not apologise — prioritise your sleep. If the letter reply comes slow, I’ll just imagine my owl is like Ron’s — hit your window and fainted. That’s why the reply got late. I know my friend. So sleep, get rest, Knight. ( Current me scratching my head - should I delete this paragraph because in reality it was my owl who got lost)
Yes, that was a practical example of how I give myself a moment of breathing space before I metaphorically dive into a sea of emotions.
That’s why angry me is dangerous too. Anger is just passion and energy combined... well, in a way, I guess.
Am I detaching myself from the narrative entirely? Totally.
So I’m going to stop that.
Lady Lilypad
@azurePond
*Claps with glee*
Dearest Lady Lilypad,
I am elated to have your letter. As I had intimated previously, the anticipation has made its arrival all the more delectable.
It is interesting how you perceive yourself, and the way you are in tune with your more volatile emotions. Likewise it is fascinating how your outlets are for the most part so physical. I think that physicality often punctuates your more visceral poetry too. It does not surprise me that you seek to channel your hurricane energy into activity and movement. It certainly meshes well with the image I have built up of you. More and more I think the hurricane analogy is so fitting, but maybe not in the exact way you might attribute it. I may be wrong, but I think you perceive that force as destructive and inevitable. That only by venting in narrow outlets can you prevent undesirable outcomes. And that your intellectual self acts as a counterpoint, sweeping up after the fact and putting up extra storm protection in between outbursts. But I have a somewhat different viewpoint from this hill.
The storm is your vitality and indefatigable spirit bound to intense emotions. You have to fight to win approval. To compete. To prove wrong to others and yourself that there view(s) on you are not the real you. AND you are a Creative with a very, very capital C. I think you are much more in touch with your emotions than many others, and I think that your environment has often not been one which fostered and supported that. Others may have balked or crumbled in such a situation, but you instead have held on to that passion. Rage against what you feel is wrong is not a fallacy. Your sense of justice and on being just cemented a particular notion in my mind: There is a character from a comic series that you remind me of in certain ways, Judge Dredd. He is fierce, intelligent, and a remorselessly harsh task master to himself. He is ever moving, a living force of nature. Now I am not suggesting you are identical, far from it. I do not think my previous comparison with Titania was too far from the reality. I think you would fit in nicely as a fae. That force of nature, wrath mixed with creation, and a sense of justice rather than a moral standpoint.....you haven't been having any urges to lure woodcutters off into the primordial green, bestowing magical weapons to druidic mages, swapping babies for simulacrums of earth and petals, or mending hundreds of pairs of shoes in the span of a single night lately have you?
I can fully understand the need to see the good in your family, and to focus on their admirable qualities out of a fear that otherwise you might end up hating them. I think there is a great deal of love in you as a person, and it feels like it is convoluted and mixed up and dissected, analysed, torn up, thrown out the window, then collected again, then thrown off the cliff, then slowly picked up piece by piece as you scale down the cliff, then rationalised, then mixed with glue and turned into a paper mâché rose, then put under glass and observed, then ignored, then...(I think I might possibly be losing the plot a little here). I am glad you feel that having distance will help. I just hope you do not get lured into thinking that there is something about you that needs fixing or supressing just because being away from triggering factors means quieter weather.
Angry you is dangerous you? For whom? I think angry you might lead sometimes to upset you, but not because you are going on some berserk rampage. I get the impression that you find it difficult to reconcile your sense of justice with your emotional uprising. I cannot say I blame you. I doubt I could handle things as well as you do if I were in a similar situation. If anything, I think you have a much healthier attitude towards it than many people might have. There is a strong undercurrent of honesty in your emotions and outlook. Your rationality is not so much the enemy as it is a gatekeeper. The problem is, your gatekeeper is as good at their job as your animal is wild, and neither gives an inch. If it did not make you so unhappy so often I would say you have a near perfect blend of both worlds. But that isn't a failing. If you are constantly prodded and goaded, it is hardly surprising that eventually you growl and take a paw swat at the things driving you to distraction.
I apologise for the next sentences in advance, and I hope you will forgive them: I think your father has a lot to answer for. I think suggesting you have a tragic flaw is a cheek, and perhaps he should consider removing the plank from his own eye before suggesting there is a splinter in yours. You do NOT have a hamartia. Being just is hard in a world that is not always just. It takes bravery and conviction. You clearly have both. It is a path that rarely is fulfilling (and I get a tad suspicious of anyone who can truly say that find satisfaction in being just...they have in my experience been the sort who equate vengeance and/or privilege with justice). If you stick by your principals even at a cost to yourself, you are showing courage. I do not think though that it is exactly true to say you are not loyal. I think you are, but that maybe you justify it to yourself. That too is not a flaw.
Right, enough of bigging you up too much...you are a a sub par nemesis, don't have nearly enough spite to make a good villain, and your loutish credentials are abysmal. I am sorry but I cannot endorse your application to the naughty, nasty, nihilists club. *Smiles*
"You are my friend. And I told you a story that is a tale as old as time. Yes it was personal and I won’t be re-reading those messages again — not that I regret sending them. I think you can see glimpses of each one of us in every family. You yourself said my anger reminds you of your sister." *Feels closer to you when you say such things*
"So I’m going to stop that." Do what feels natural my friend. It is great that you always seem to be trying to evolve and refine yourself. But never feel any pressure to do so.
@BastionKnight Hey Knight,
Apologies..... this isn’t the letter that was promised... much like the final season of Game of Thrones.
Anyway… I’ve started The Fall of the House of Usher.
First of all, thank you for introducing me to this masterpiece.
Secondly — thanks for reminding me that my family could actually be worse. Haha.
I see why you recommended it to me. I watched it last night — up until Prospero’s d3ath.
I saw Prospero’s d3ad body making cameos and was like, Did he burn to d3ath? Because there was no fl3sh on his body yk. So I thought maybe fire — but it didn’t look like a ch@rred body, yk and then I saw that mysterious lady appear by the tank and the drop of water on his phone and I went...Huh kerosene? (Which was a lame assumption..because again..no darkness in his d3ad body, just fl3sh removed) Then the moment… before the sprinklers kick in… and the waitstaff walk out… and that one single drop falls… it clicked — ITS A FACTORY SO OFC - IT IS ACID!!!!!! and I yelled “It’s acid!” and closed my eyes with my palms and missed the rest. My brother just sighed and went “I sometimes forget you’re the one who ruined the Fight Club for me,” because...yeah… I ruin the twists.
Anyway we discussed. If they’re running with Poe’s stories then The Murd3rs in the Rue Morgue might come up so my brother was like... the scientist lady will be klled by a chimpanzee but I think maybe Camille — because in the story Camille is k!lled by an orangutan. But Camille’s a PR/media person, right? So I’m not sure. I could be wrong.
Victorine, the researcher, might be based on The Tell Tale Heart since she’s working on hearts. Idk how.. but she might k!ll someone and maybe it is the human trials? that will haunt her… maybe the names arent that significant .... but who am I kidding? I name my short story characters after researching meanings, origins, myths… ofc names are important but Idk how it will all playout.
The prosecutor being named Dupin was a nice touch. Also the lady at the bar — she’s the same one who appeared before Prospero’s d3ath right? And then there’s the woman with the raven mask. I think all these seemingly “supernatural entities” or hallucinations Roderick keeps seeing — well, I say hallucinations because he told Dupin about a possible genetic condition involving dementia and hallucinations — they could all be representations of The Raven from Poe’s poem.
Also… what happened in 1979? Did they k!ll someone? They were at that bar, very deliberately, like they were setting up an alibi. And they talked about the police. Did the raven lady help them avoid the police? Or help hide someone? And now she’s here to collect the debt maybe? She talks a lot about choices and consequences — very Faustian bargain like. I know that’s not a Poe story but still… even in The Tell Tale Heart, the narrator thinks he can k!ll someone and escape the consequences. Am I making sense?
Oh ....they kIlled that Fortunato Rufus guy? Madeline said “we’ll go through him”… she meant k!ll him. Madeline is so bl00dthirsty and ambitious so it is a possibility. She even made the whole family sign that NDA which was basically just “I agree to be k!lled if I snitch.” Again..I could be wrong....
Also… Lenore. I love her. She’s going to d!e, isn’t she? In Poe’s poem, Lenore is described as died young. I’m bracing for it. I don’t want her to die. She is the only likeable person in that family. Poe always liked the theme of "loss of innocence'
Madeline’s obsession with immortality is going to be the d3ath of her. Just saying. I get that "feeling". She will get k!lled by an AI robot or a Mummy.. she should find Rick O Conell fast (that was a joke )
I have so much more to say but my mind can’t keep up with my fingers. It’s frustrating. I could be way off the mark but I love thinking about this stuff. I think I’ll love it even more if at least 70% of what I guessed turns out to be right. Because then it will be a Poe accurate story. Also, I love good foreshadowing in films — the metaphors, the symbols. I think a great twist isn’t the one that comes out of nowhere but the one that was there all along — right in front of you — and on the rewatch- you’re like... how did I not see that?!
So yeah... only two episodes in — and these are my thoughts so far. Let’s see if I’m right!
Gonna watch the rest tonight!
Take care, Knight <3
Thanks again for the recommendation!
PS - I censored the words because the 7Cups thinks I might be in a cr!sis😭
@azurePond Also… what happened to his first wife... Annabelle? Like Annabel Lee — did she d!e from the cold and end up with a grave by the sea?
@azurePond
*Smiles happily, seeing how enthusiastically you are devouring the series and the way it is sparking all your thoughts and anticipations*
I loooooooove that this has grabbed you so strongly. I thought if anyone would appreciate all the literary nuances to the series it would be you. I can't wait to hear what your final thoughts will be once you finish it all.
No apologies necessary regarding the letter, It will be equally appreciated whenever it comes. There i no rush at all.
I hope things have settled a little for you and your siblings, and that you are feeling a little bit better about it all. Either way, it sounds like the series is proving a good distraction at least.
Hope you have a great start to the week. Happy watching!
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Thanks for your patience — and sorry, it’s still not the letter I promised. I got caught up sorting a few things. Also… did you hear Ozzy Osbourne passed away? Have you listened to his songs much?
@azurePond
Salutations Lady Hurricane,
*Smiles* You honestly do not have to fret about the letter, it will come when it comes and be exactly at the time it was meant to be. I will enjoy it all the more as I will have had time to build up anticipation.
Noooooo! Oswald of Batchompovia is gone!? I had not heard. That is sad. I have heard a lot of Ozzy's stuff, both from his Black Sabbath days and his solo work. Ah, tis a shame. Have you listened to many of his songs?
How are you getting along by the way? You mentioned getting caught up on a few things, and with someone who comes across as very fastidious, that leads me to believe things might have been a little bit chaotic for you or at the very least throwing up more than the usual bunches of challenges?
Try not to put undue pressure on yourself. Take your time, and things have a way of sorting themselves out eventually.
@BastionKnight Okaaayyy....this might sound totally irrational… but you made those rockstar jokes and mentioned you had long hair and for some stoopid reason my brain decided to associate you with Ozzy Osbourne—long hair, British vibes, yk? 😅
@azurePond
😁🤘🎤 *Smiles and giggles a lottle*
So you thought I was Ozzy? I don't swear anywhere near the level of the Wizard of Ozzy to be even an apprentice. *Grins* I am also highly amused by the notion you might imagine me as that level of age and infirmity. I might go and get myself a walking stick to complete my ensemble and practice a tremor heavy gait. Fret not, I am still upright.
@BastionKnight False alarm, I reimagined you as Irish.
@azurePond
Irish indeed? I am curious as to what led to that conclusion. Is it my lilt in my textual accent or perhaps my affinity for the fair folk?
@BastionKnight Yeah both — and also the fact that I dont know any famous Irish person on the verge of death 😭 Irish people are genuinely wonderful — brave, revolutionary, knightly, and witty (not trying to stereotype a whole country or take a dig at any other country— I’m really sorry if it comes off that way ) Also, I like Yeats, James Joyce and Saoirse Ronan, if that counts for anything.
@BastionKnight I'm not ignoring you, Knight. I'm just in a phase where I'm kind of ignoring life and writing stories and poetry for a bit. I'll be back soon. It's not that I’m not thinking of you or avoiding you—I promise. I hope I’m not hurting your feelings… but if I am, please tell me, ok? I will pull myself together fast
@azurePond
*Smiles* I completely understand. Do not spare it a second thought. Sometimes one needs to be in a certain headspace for a while, and priorities can be fluid. I take no offence.
*Bows politely*
@BastionKnight Oh goodness , Knight you are a priority...it is just... i am currently on side quests. And I know you understand but it doesnt make it any less idk *loses my english also my italian also my french *
*bows back politely*
@azurePond
*Smiles* Go tackle those side quests, gather the treasure, get the power-boosts, earn the XP, and level up. Everything else will still be waiting when you come back.
@BastionKnight Hey Knight,
@azurePond
Do I want to read one of your stories!? Do fish poop in the sea? YESSSSSSSSS....hey....wait a second....ewwwwww, I swam in fish poop soup....yuck!
I am intrigued by your teaser line and would relish the opportunity to read your prose. Gimme, gimme, gimme! *Smiles*
@BastionKnight I was drafting a reply to your last letter when you caught me but alright, brace yourself for the loooong story now.
@azurePond
Ah, apologies for disrupting your flow of your reply to my last letter. I look forward to seeing it at some point.
Sorry I did not get a chance to respond quicker to your short story. I read it straight away, but had a quick succession of time grabbing activities which drew me away from the fun exploration of your prose.
It is coming very soon.
@BastionKnight haha..it's ok... "disrupting the flow"...lol.. you are like the last person in my life who is disrupting my flow... It's ok, Knight. I understand. I read your letter and that thing you said about how our letters are long and how in the middle of all that...you still manage to reply to others on the forum—it’s ok. I get it. Take your time replying to our letters. I know you’re not avoiding me. I do the same sometimes too. I just wanted to say that, no judgment.
@azurePond I've decided to take the one year break ....simply because I need it. Everything else comes second. If he wants me to go to law school, I will ..... and it comes after a year right? I will deal with it then..... And I can still leave this place, yk? Teaching me law is basically my dad handing a pyr0maniac a matchstick and a can of petr0l.
@azurePond
Sounds like a plan. You sounded like you needed the breathing space, so I think your rational is wise. And plenty can happen in a year, so who knows what the future will look like at that point.
Are you happy with the choice?
@BastionKnight Yes, I am. First of all—the breathing space . As smart and manipulative as my father is... I’ve had the advantage of studying him since the day I was born. He, on the other hand,first saw me when he was what? 25? 26? 27? Big gap...haha..
@azurePond
Then use what you want, discard what drags you down, and show them that you shine...not for them, but because you deserve it.
@BastionKnight Thank you, Knight. I’m really glad I met you *tears… barely holding back * 🥹
@azurePond
*Makes soothing noises and gestures*
Calm that brilliant mind of yours. Slow down.
*Smiles* How typical for my good friend Lady Lilypad to take when I am trying to reassure her that SHE can make posts without worrying that I am keeping tally, and turn it back into trying to reassure me of the same thing!
I am sorry that you are being put under all those pressures. It isn't fair.
What do YOU want to do? Ignoring all what other people expect, want, negotiate, pressure...what is going to give you the greatest net happiness? Your Masters degree....was it just an 'out' or was your plan something that called to you? I can understand that a mental health episode can throw up large stumbling blocks, so the path forward might need to be adjusted to facilitate your altered needs, but it doesn't necessarily mean it is closed off does it?
You are not your dad, or your uncle, or your extended family tree. You are you. I know you do not need to be told this intellectually, but I do not think it hurts to remind you that you are an individual who has the right to choose their own path. I am sure there are pressures on you that I cannot fully appreciate for I am not in your shoes, but I do understand feelings of responsibility and duty...and the imaginary chains they can forge. At the end of the day, only you can live your life. No matter how much people might think they know what is best for you (or in some more selfish cases what is best for them), it behoves you to make your own choices based on all circumstances. Listen to others, sure...other people can bring ideas that might not have occurred to you, or see things from a different angle....listen, but make up your OWN mind.
I get why you feel stuck, and I understand why you fear you will get burnt out if you resist. But those are things which have not happened yet. Even if the past saw similar things, a prediction is not reality...it is just a best guess. IF Law will make YOU happy, then dive in.....if not, resist with all your might my good friend. There is nothing written in stone that says your walls will break before theirs do. You do not have to acquiesce to defeat just because everyone says they know best. You have a great deal of fire inside you, and channelled it can almost certainly achieve greater than you would even hope.
But I stop now with the firebrand rhetoric and just offer you a sympathetic space and comforting vibes. Whatever you do or choose, I support you and will encourage you enthusiastically. I have a strong suspicion that no matter what happens in the future, AzurePond will inevitably find a way to navigate to the best outcome.
Please always feel free to vent. THAT I understand very well indeed. I am the poster-child of what not to do, so I would always wish you to feel comfortable to just roar out what you are thinking and feeling. Enjoy the drop in pressure and the catharsis! *Smiles reassuringly*
*Quietly and discreetly takes a hacksaw to the invisible bars, and sprinkles the rest with flour so they are more easily spotted*
Azure, stop worrying about what I think; My shoulders span so far that I dare not wade into rivers in case cars mistake me for a bridge! Having you catch your breath against them does not weigh me down in the slightest. In fact, if anything it makes me feel more useful...so i guess that means YOU are actually the buttress by being so good as to share your thoughts. See, you are helping others again. Go team you!
AND piffle, pish, and popopooops to the idea you are in any way not a good friend! There is nothing you need to justify. Better friend? You ARE an awesome friend. Try to stop piling more pressure on yourself. Do things at your own pace, in your own time, and in a manner that makes you feel comfortable and assured. I am not keeping count of time, so neither should you.
Your friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight
Slow down.
@BastionKnight
The Crimes of Academia
‘You bl00dy idiot. Are you monologuing again?’
The stolen financial reports connect with the back of my sk.ull. The binding cracks against b0ne, and I hiss through my teeth.
‘Chr!st, Luthor. Warn a guy.’
He doesn’t. He never does. Rayleigh Luthor—aka Lex Luthor when I’m mocking his supervillain tier intellect. He doesn’t believe in w.arnings or mer.cy. Or the Geneva Convention’s rules on academic warfare.
‘You were doing the thing,’ he says, flipping the report in his grip like a wea.pon. ‘The narrator thing. With the—’ He waves a hand in front of my face. ‘—faraway eyes.”
I rub my head. ‘It’s called thinking.’
"It's called pretentious.”
Ray’s glare didn’t waver but his voice dropped. "And your ‘thinking’ looks an awful lot like checking out. Stay present or next time I'll concu.ss you with your own d@mned Victor Hugo.”
I open my mouth. He raises the rep0rt again. I shut it.
See? This is how we communicate.
So, firstly, let’s get one thing straight: Ray and I are not friends. I do not have friends, but I have a lot of fans.
And Ray is not a fan nor a friend. Because friends don’t hold gru.dges over who br0ke the swing set in ’09 (him, obviously). And friends definitely don’t mem0rise each other’s tells like p0ker hands. Case in point: Ray flicks the report’s cracked binding—tap-tap-tap—and my teeth l0ck. Three taps. Uneven. Wrong. He knows.
What we are is two people who’ve been sh0ved into the same orbit since birth—our parents are old university buddies, which meant playdates, then school, then this—two bitter, overcaf.feinated dis.asters hurtling toward adulthood with the grace of a dru.nk giraffe on r0ller skates.
Ray is terr.ifying. Not in the oh, he’s so quirky way. In the he-once-made-a- physics-professor-question-his-career-choices-during-a-lecture-kind of way. He’s sharp, relentless, and has the m0ral flexibility of a cat bur.glar with a gru.dge.
Our parents claim we ‘bonded’ during the Great Primary School Glue Incident—a catastr0phe involving me, Ray, my twin sister Milly, and a gall0n of industrial adhesive and the principal’s prized wig (the photos resurface every Christmas like a w.ar cri.me because that is Milly’s idea of nostalgia). What they don’t mention: Ray and Milly laughed while I s0bbed as they cu.t me free. I know… some b0nds are just mutually assured des.tructi0n.
We don’t like each other. But we get each other. And that is how we ended up here.
Anyway, two weeks ago, I was squinting at the Students' Union board—Milly’s face plastered all over it beneath the headline ‘BUDGET REFORMS PASSED.’ She wore that same flawless smile she’d flashed in A&.E last month when the nurses asked if I’d ‘fall.en dru.nk.’ As if being born nine minutes before me made her my mother.
Ray appeared out of nowhere, already frowning at Milly’s flyer. ‘She’s auditing the Robotics Soc’s finances tomorrow.’
I stiffened. ‘Since when do you follow her union campaigns?’
‘Since she texted me their procurement records.’ His voice was flat. ‘Thermal cameras don’t cost twelve grand.’
Translation: Ray was bored. So he was getting involved. That means, he was also making me get involved.
I’d seen it before—that restless glint in his eyes when the physics department banned him from ‘correcting’ their quantum mechanics proofs, when he finished the Putnam exam in half the time and spent the rest dismantling the invigilator’s coffee machine. The human equivalent of a tiger pacing its cage.
‘Robotics is laun.dering. Their purchase orders don’t match the Finance Board ledgers. And guess who chairs the Procurement Subcommittee?’
I’d barely glanced up. ‘Tell the bursar.’
‘The bursar’s nephew is the chair.’ His smile turned razor edged.
‘What—Carter Clarkson is Eric Payne’s nephew?’ I froze.
Let me introduce you to Carter Clarkson: 78% designer veneer, 20% trust fund, 2% actual merit.
I used to tolerate him. First year, we bonded over two truths—Milly Alden needs a ch.ill pill, and James Nelson should stop treating courtship like a board meeting.
Then I gh0sted Carter because of Saint Milly’s sermon. The day after I got back from the hospital, James cornered me like a dutiful spy boyfriend “Why’d you dit.ch Clarkson?”
I creased a page, slowly. “I don’t hang out with rich kids who collect private islands like Pokemon.”
It wasn’t just about Carter.
James adjusted his glasses—those hand stitched Italian ones that probably had their own trust fund and smirked. “Carter’s not that rich.”
“He drives a Porsche.”
"Exactly." Two syllables, dripping with that quiet I’m-so-filthy-rich-I-could-buy-your-bl00dline-and-still-have-change-for-Clarkson’s-ancestral-home smugness.
Back then I didn’t say anything. He was dating my sister and I wasn’t sure if that made her special or just his latest acquisition. She saw something real in him. I just hoped he saw more than his own reflection.
‘Yes.’ Ray's voice cut through my flashback montage, ‘So let’s r.uin the rich kid party.’
I met his gaze. ‘For fun?’
‘Precisely.’
And me? I had my two reasons.
Reason number one: Last year, the theatre society ‘lost’ our lighting budget. When I complained, they’d patted my head like a child—That’s just how the world works,Mr Alden—in that conde.scending tone people use when they think you’re too pretty to be pis.sed.
So when Ray slid that first st0len financial report across the table, I didn’t ask why or where he’d got them.
Reason number two: Rashomon. Well—not Rashomon itself, but the fact that the theatre society’s entire winter production budget had mysteriously disappeared overnight. Milan, our full time sleep deprived props guy and my part time friend, with the hau.nted eyes and the vibe of someone who’d made one too many bad life decisions, shuffled into the workshop. ‘Someone took it,’ he said. ‘All of it.’
I li.t a cigarette, mostly for the drama. ‘You sure? Rashomon’s literally about everyone lying their ars.es off. Maybe you’re just playing your part as the unreliable narrator.’
Ray snatched it from my fingers—crushed the ember against his thumb like he was ki.lling a bug—then ground the c0rpse under his shoe. ‘No. Someone stole it.’
‘Bl00dy h3ll, Ray, that was my last cig—’
‘I did it for myself. Passive smoking is just as da.nger0us.’ Ray added in a baritone voice.
We weren’t investigating. Ray was hypothesising and I was procrastinating. Ray had a theory—one involving the robotics society, thermal cameras, and what he called ‘sketchy ba.stard energy.’
‘They’re up to something,’ he muttered, shoving a st0len samosa into his mouth. ‘You don’t order that much surveillance gear unless you’re committing crimes, filming bad po.rno or—’ He flicked his phone toward me. A grainy screenshot: a black crown spray painted on the robotics lab door. ‘—running errands for the Gifted Few.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Oh right. The secret society which hosts haz!ng rituals and dru.g parties.’
The Gifted Few weren’t the Illuminati. Just bored rich kids twa.ts with a flair for vanishing money and throwing neon lit dru.g bops. ‘Accounting error.’ ‘Donated for research.’ That was their version of due process. Always with a black crown graffiti. Like guilt stamping their crimes for fun.
Ars.eholes.
‘Not a secret society. I don’t think they even call themselves that—it’s just what people whisper when funds go missing.’ Ray tapped the screen. ‘Last year robotics “lost” a drone. Two weeks later, Amara Bloomwood posted a photo of one at their exclusive party.’
‘Robotics soc?’ I scoffed. ‘They’re nerds with soldering irons, not thieves.’
Ray didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled out his phone—typed something fast, expression unreadable. Thirty seconds later, his phone buzzed: a photo of robotics loading gear into a van.
‘How the—’
‘Business majors g0ssip when dru.nk.’ Like it was that simple.
So we made a flowchart that started at the Bursary office.
"We need acc.ess to the bursary office" I said.
Ray pulled out his phone. "Done."
"How?"
"Perry owes me. She gave us the old janitor c0des. Ri.sky but I backed it up with f0rged service orders."
"Who's Perry?"
"Perihan Aydin, She’s head of the Accounting Society."
"Of course she is." I threw up my hands. "Do you collect campus influencers like Pokemon?"
He didn't answer. (He did)
And that was how I ended up reading financial crim.es and creating flowcharts instead of practicing my lines as a Samurai in the grove.
A throat cleared behind me—ugh—and I knew who it was before I turned around. James. Of course. Milly must've sent him.
Case in point: My sister's boyfriend loomed in all his six foot, tailored glory, clutching some p0ncy artisan drink that probably had a fair trade certification stamped on the side.Chr!st. Econ t0ssers. Every one of these guys acted like they had a secret plan to fix the country—or more accurately, like the rest of us were too stu.pid to realise they should be in charge.
He dumped his overpriced snack bars on the table, dragged a chair over like he owned the place and plopped down as if we'd actually invited him.
"Let me guess" I said, ste.aling his gluten free snack bar. "Milly's got you on Xavi-watch?"
He adjusted his stupidly expensive glasses. "She thought you should know the Vice Chancellor's new 'academic integrity' policy applies even to..." He eyed Ray's spread of st0len financial reports. "...whatever this is. Be discreet."
Ray didn't look up from his laptop. "We're comparing thermal camera purchase orders. For fun. We are being very discreet."
"Mills said you'd say that." James took a sip of his disgustingly green pond water. "She also asked me to remind you that buttery tokens are allocated by the Hall Committee. And your last conduct review was... flagged." He tossed the USB to Ray, who snatched it mid air without looking up.
Ever since the Union Senate outsourced campus logistics to that Well.nessPoints app, our student IDs governed everything—library bookings, laundry credits, even the bl00dy temperature settings in the showers. And Milly, of course, had administrative override.
I rolled my eyes. "Not jealous she texts Ray more than you?"
"Xavier, I know you have issues. You do not have to announce that."
"I thought Milly was the psych major." Then I leaned in. "Normal couples don't make joint five year plans like it's the UN."
James gave me that look—the one that said I'd just proved his point. "Xavier, when someone actually loves you, they'll want to plan things together." He shook his head. "Is this because nobody makes long term plans with you? Is this a cry for help, Timmy Chalamet?"
Ray's mouth twitched as he connected the USB to his laptop. Traitor.
James's phone buzzed. He didn't reach for it. Just sipped his stupidly expensive sludge like he hadn't noticed.
I smirked. "Milly's checking up on you? Chr1st,mate. She's worse than a par0le officer."
"Not Mills." His voice was too casual.
Ray's fingers paused mid keystroke. "Gifted Few?"
James's jaw twitched. Interesting.
I leaned in. "Wait. You're texting them? Are you like their Uber Eats for emb.ezzlement?"
"No." James finally flipped his phone over. The screen lit up—Yacht Club '24—a scrolling feed of champagne emojis and gossip. "They need me. Apparently, I'm the only one with 'a functioning AmEx and zero m0ral compass.'" He smirked. "Also, I get to be their favourite bartender. God's gift for gathering intel."
Ray's fingers stilled on his laptop. "You're just ba.it, Nelson."
James's nails tapped unevenly against his cup—tap-tap-stutter—an annoying tell I'd only seen when Milly c0rnered him in debates. "I'm just bai.t? I'm useful. Remember Sigma Night." His gaze slid to me, lazy. "Remember how you got to A..&E, Xavi? Or just the pre-drinks?"
Ice sh0t down my spine. "I called Ray—"
"You didn't." James's voice was flat. "I found you and called Ray."
Silence.
"Saint Milly's golden boy has layers. Who knew?" I leaned in, grinning like it didn't matter. "Bet she loves you playing d0uble agent. What's next? Matching trench coats?"
James's mask cracked—just a flash of something fer.al beneath the polish. "Milly needs me. It's a da.nger0us game but—" He glanced at Ray—"We're handling it."
We.
Huh.
I'd seen James lie to the Vice Chancell0r, to c0ps, to his own reflection. But this? The way he said Milly like it was both a prayer and a warning.
"You're invested" I drawled, leaning back, suddenly cold. "Seriously invested. Why? This feels... pers0nal. " I watched his eyes, looking for the flicker. "This isn't about thermal cameras or bored geniuses, is it? This whole thing reeks of rev.enge."
James replied flatly. "And you're not? Please. We all benefit from taking d0.wn the Gifted Ars.eholes."
Then Ray did the weirdest thing—he nodded. Like they'd just agreed on the exact temperature of h3ll.
"The Gifted Few don't steal. They collect. Bl@ckmail. Favours." James's smile died. "Your sister's next on their h!t list."
My stomach dropped.
Milly—perfect, untouchable Milly—had skel.etons.
James placed the phone on the table and stood to leave. "So yes. I'm 'emotionally invested.' Sue me."
And then—because the universe hates me—his phone lit up with a heart emoji. Just one. From Milly.
I gag.ged. "Oh my God, you two are disg.usting."
James smirked. "Jealous, Timmy?"
I didn't reply, but I was watching James's face as he texted back and the way his mouth softened. Just a little.
Gross.
But also... interesting.
James's phone buzzed again. He didn't glance at it.
"Anyway," he said, flicking a speck of dust off his sleeve, "I came bearing a message."
I snorted. "Couldn't you have texted? What is this, a low budget Bond flick?"
He ignored me, turning to Ray instead. "Mills says: 'The answer's still no.'" A pause. "'But hypothetically, anyone in the maintenance tunnels tonight should know they upgraded to millimetre wave radar. So food chute it is.'"
Then, as an afterthought, he shot me a look. "She also said you're exhausting."
As he turned to leave, I called after him: "AND ANOTHER THING! THIS IS WHY INFLATION HAPPENS! BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING OVERPRICED AVOCADO SMOOTHIES INSTEAD OF REGULAR SMOOTHIES LIKE NORMAL—"
James stopped in his tracks and burst out laughing—not a chuckle, but a full bodied, doubled over laugh that echoed down the hallway. He wiped his eyes, walked towards me and patted my shoulder like I was a particularly dum.b golden retriever.
"Why's he laughing?" I demanded. "WHY'S HE LAUGHING? That's a real economic theory! The smoothie thing! I read it!"
Ray didn't even look up from his screen. "That's not economics. That's an online article you skimmed while drunk."
"Still counts."
"Also, avocado smoothies don't cause inflation."
THEY DO THOUGH. BELIEVE ME, FOLKS. I WILL DI.E ON THIS HILL.
James toasted us with his smoothie and left. "To end the tyra.nny of avocado smoothie inflation."
Ray didn't react.
But two hours later, I caught him copying contents from the USB titled GIFTED PARTY LIST (Don't E.ff This Up)
"Is that Milly's? Since when do you two pen pal?" I asked.
"Since the Gifted Few 'lost' her m.ental hea.lth funding bill last year," he said, like it was obvious, like I should've known our student council overl0rd had a pers0nal vend.etta.
I gaped. "Hold on. Are you telling me Saint Milly's not just a bureaucratic tyr.ant? She's a ven.geful bureaucratic tyra.nt?"
A folder popped up. I squinted. "Sigma - Encrypted."
Ray slammed the laptop shut. "Irrelevant."
I leaned back. "You two are definitely not pl0tting my dem!se."
"If we were," he said flatly, "you'd be 6 fe.et under already."
That night we took the old du.mbwaiter—because nothing says "elite education" like sne.aking through a grease stained food chute. The spy couple's intel had been solid: no millimetre wave radar in this forg0tten shaft.
"Move your phone" Ray hissed. "The light's visible from the service corridor."
I switched it off just as we dropped into the bursar's back 0ffice. Perry's janitor c0des still worked—because why reset security when you could buy the Chancellor that expensive espresso machine instead?
Ray went straight for the CCTV terminal. Of course it still used *admin/password123*. The whole campus ran on the three dea.dly sins: arrogance, laziness and unlimited trust funds.
The footage jumped to life. There—a figure in a ski mask, limping like his left foot 0wed him pain.
"Joe Mathews" Ray said.
I snorted. "You can ID him from that?"
"Recognise the lim.p. I ga.ve it to him when he che.ated during jiu jitsu sp.arring." He zoomed in on the crate Joe was ha.uling.
I rubbed my temples.
So this Joe was a scholarship kid—the kind who wore thrifted cardigans and could recite Fight Club by heart. Graphic design major. Vinyl collector. And, apparently, willing to ha.ul st0len thermal cameras for the Gifted Few at 3 am.
@azurePond
See, the Gifted few’s crown graffiti had been showing up everywhere since freshers' year. That stupid spray painted symbol on the admin building, like some posh brat's idea of a royal warrant.
"Wait, they're like vigilantes?" I'd asked Milan when he first explained the disappearing funds and the Gifted Few.
"Unless Robin Hood funded dr.ug parties and blackmailed Vice Chancellors."
I stole a fry from Milan's plate. "Thought these ars.eholes were already rich."
Milan shrugged. "Rich people get bored. Poor people get desperate. The Gifted Few expl0it both."
CUT TO: Now - the theatre soc's dingy backroom. Ray, Milan and me, knee deep in evidence that transformed their rumours into something far more danger0us than student gossip.
Amara Bloomwood's deleted Inst@gr@m story glowed on the laptop - her pupils swallowing the blue light as she sn0rted lines off a robotics trophy.
"This feels like the Squid Games but with better suits and worse morals" I muttered.
"Speaking of games..." Milan's voice dropped as he leaned in. "Remember Sigma Night? When you were going on about survival rates and then—"
Ray interrupted. "Milan. Did you get the internal account reports from Perry?"
A beat. Milan's fingers twitched toward his ever present va.pe pen. "Right. Yeah. I have to get the USB from her."
I rolled my eyes. "What? did I start a fight? I only remember—"
My fingers twitched toward my ribs, the phantom ache flaring like a bad Wi-Fi signal. Fractured images: James's frantic voice, razor edged through the fog (Breathe, you dramatic ***. Don't you fu.cking di.e on me to–) the metallic tang of blood where I'd bitten my tongue.No. That couldn’t be him. That face—raw, human, worried—James Nelson never wear that face.
"You ended a fight, actually." Milan exhaled a cloud of mango scented vapour and his gaze flicked to Ray. "Mostly by face planting into it."
Ray's laptop snapped shut. "You vomited on Carter's limited edition Bale.nciagas."
"Worth every bile stained stitch.” I flashed my teeth. My jaws hurt. "Those shoes were a crime against humanity."
Milan asked, "That's all you remember?"
"Just the pre drinks and waking up in A&E and Saint Milly's sermons after that." I stretched, ignoring the way my ribs ached with phantom pain. "Why? Did I commit another felony?"
Milan shook his head. "Just sartorial treas0n. That orange paisley shirt should've been a fel0ny though."
While Ray and Milan were knee deep in financial records, I got hauled before the Deputy Vice Chancellor for Student Conduct—a pinch faced bureaucrat whose office smelled of department store cologne and stale intimidation tactics. The obsidian crown paperweight (”borrowed” from Archaeology) sat between us.
“Mr Alden.” He steepled fingers that had never held anything heavier than a disciplinary form. “Your… theatrical talents are noted. But even scholarship students must adhere to basic rules.”
His smile didn't reach his eyes. "Are you aware of our smoking policy?"
"Vaguely." I gestured with an imaginary cigarette. "But technically the roof counts as outdoor space and given the philosophy soc’s ongoing war against sobriety—"
"And the unauthorised access to the admin block?"
I paused. "That's a bold accusation. Do you have proof?"
He slid a photo across the desk. Me, caught on camera, mid sneak. Ray was nowhere in the photo. Not fair.
I sighed. "Fine. It was method acting. Ever seen Mission Impossible? Tom Cruise did way worse."
The Deputy VC's smile finally reached his eyes—a thin, joyless crack in his bureaucratic veneer. "Mr Cruise had a production budget."
The door clicked shut with the finality of a library fine notice. No suspension. Just a black mark on my record and exile from the Christmas play. Banned. My nails bit into my palms.
Ray leaned against the corridor's peeling paint, scrolling through thermal specs. The NHS grade fluorescents buzzed like a failing va.pe pen.
"That jumped up pen pusher just benched me," I spat. "For smoking—" (I mimed a drag) "—on a roof. Meanwhile, Carter Clarkson hosts coc.aine fuelled gatherings in the astronomy lab, but receives nothing beyond a raised eyebrow."
Ray's thumb paused for a millisecond. Then resumed texting. "Hmm." Message pings resounded like death knells.
"'Hmm'? That’s your eloquent response to this ?”
He looked up, his expression clinically detached. "The production was fiscally unsustainable, Xavier. An emotional indulgence with negative equity."
I drew breath to catalogue his interpersonal deficiencies—then exhaled.
Then we st@lked Joe for three bl00dy weeks. Not that we needed more dirt - Chr1st, we could have buried the Gifted Few alive with what we already had. But Ray kept waiting for his mythical "green light" like some budget Batman waiting for Commissioner Gordon's signal. I didn't ask who was supposedly holding the traffic light. Honestly? I started pretending Ray was Jay Gatsby. It worked - both names ending in that pretentious "-y" sound, both obsessed with their grand schemes.
Only difference? Gatsby wasted his life chasing some rich girl across the bay. Ray wastes his terr0rising rich kids across campus. Progress, I suppose.
Then one morning Ray said "Green" and we !ntercepted Joe in the art room, sweaty and frantic, shoving supplies into a duffel like he was preparing for doomsday. A prescription bottle skittered across the floor.
Ray moved faster than I'd ever seen him outside a jiu jitsu tournament. His foot pinned the bottle before Joe could react.
“Chr1st, Luthor” I said. “Playing n@rc now?”
Ray's knuckles went white around the plastic. "You have no idea what this is."
The way he said it—like the label personally offended him—made my ribs ache where the Sigma Night bruises had faded.
Joe made a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob. Just like I’d sounded when they’d cut me out of the headteacher’s wig all those years ago. History’s a flat circle with cheap v0dka.
Ray pocketed the bottle. “The Gifted Few aren’t just laundering cash. Those parties? They’re d0sing drinks with r00fies. It’s not networking—it’s a fu..cking blackm.ail factory.”
The venom was new, personal, the kind that raises arm hairs like a storm coming.
Suddenly, the door clicked open like a rev0lver’s hammer. Milly stood framed in the doorway, her stack of petitions might as well have been a dea.th warrant.
“Computer lab.” No hello, no explanation. “Five minutes.” Her eyes flicked to Ray—just a microsecond of silent complicity. Enough to make my molars hurt.
They’d always communicated in this encrypted shorthand even back in primary school when we built sandcastles that Milly would immediately stomp flat. The art room lights hummed that same pre fight frequency. Joe trembled by the sinks. And suddenly I was five again, watching them scheme by the monkey bars while I chewed on playground gravel.
Then she was gone, leaving nothing but the faint click of heels on linoleum.
Joe collapsed against the art table like a puppet with cut strings. "Oh thank you G0d."
I kept staring at the empty doorway. "Since when is my sister the patron saint of academic criminals?"
"Since Emily Alden reduced the bursar to tears during funding talks" Joe muttered, mopping his brow. "Rumour has it she knows where every skeleton's buried."
Ray pocketed the pill bottle with the finality of a detective holstering his weapon.
"Hold on." I blocked his path. "You alerted Milly?"
He didn't look up from his phone. "Perry did."
"STOP THAT." I stepped closer, voice dropping. "What's really in this for you?"
The ghost of a smirk flickered. "Buttery token reinstatement."
"Buttery token reinstatement." I deadpanned. "You're telling me you've been waging a w@r against campus royalty for pastry access "
Ray finally met my eyes, his expression as blank as a freshly wiped hard drive."The biscuit allocation system is corrupt. Some of us actually care about equitable distribution."
We were locked in our usual staring contest - his clinical glare versus my best 'pi..ss off' expression - when Joe's voice shattered the silence.
"They called it creative accounting," Joe said, picking at his duffel's frayed seam. "Not theft. Just... number fudging." His bitter laugh hung in the turpentine scented air. "Funny how language changes when rich kids are involved."
I leaned against the drafting table, the metal edge biting my thigh. "Let me guess - they reminded you how lucky you were? How scholarship students should be grateful for scraps?"
Joe's silence spoke volumes. The Gifted Few's playbook never changed - velvet gloves hiding iron fists. I'd seen it when they "lost" my work study forms, when the VC's daughter had her plagiarism case "dismissed".
"I could name names" Joe offered, voice cracking.
"We have names," Ray said, "What we need someone willing to testify about those parties."
Joe swallowed hard. "My scholarship—"
Ray's fist c0nnected with the wall. Not hard enough to damage, but enough to make student artwork tremble. When he turned, his calm demeanour contrasted with his bruised knuckles.
"If they contact you again—"
"I know" Joe whispered. "Emily Alden."
Ray nodded once, sharp as a guillotine blade. Then he stormed out to meet Milly.
The next day, as I was refilling my water bottle at the fountain, Rose Dunham appeared beside me. "Since the winter play got axed" she said, shoving a crumpled stack of papers into my hands, "we’re doing our own. In the drama basement."
The script—The Crimes of Academia—was handwritten in Rose’s frantic scrawl. We had four weeks. Four weeks to cast, rehearse and somehow build props, which meant Milan, who is already overworked, looked like he was surviving on spite and energy drinks.
And Ray? He vanished. Well—not vanished. He showed up sometimes, lingering at rehearsals, but he only ever said a quick hi to me before slipping into hushed conversations with Rose. I hadn’t even known they were friends. Sometimes Milan and James joined them, their heads bent together like some kind of secret council. I didn’t ask. I wasn’t part of Ray’s inner circle.
The night of the play, I played the corrupt chancellor. Nina Caruso was the ghost of the budget—literally. Her "haunting" prop? A shredded, glitter glued, bl00d splattered replica of the stolen funds report. Half the audience laughed. The other half—the ones in Saint Laurent and stiff smiles—didn’t. Because on stage, their costumes were being lit 0n fire.
The adrenaline crash hit hard backstage. I leaned against a flat cabinet, chancellor robe half off, hands shaking. I lit a cigarette, the drag a t0xic comfort in the dusty air.
Milly appeared like a fool in King Lear out of nowhere. She crossed the space in three strides, snatched the cigarette from my lips, and crushed it under her pristine heel with a vicious grind.
"Ow! Chr1st , Milly—I get passive smoking is danger0us—"
. "Active smoking is more danger0us, you absolute idiot," she snapped. "Xavier,Don't you want to l!ve? Especially after the A&E incident? Or are you planning to leave a legacy of a tragically sh0rt, underachieving life?"
I scoffed. " It’s one cigarette. Celebratory."
"Celebrating what? Ensuring you never get cast again? Clean that up." She gestured sharply at the smeared mess. "This isn't your personal ashtray."
Behind her, James lingered in the doorway, arms crossed. But he wasn’t looking at me—he was watching her, with this infuriatingly fond expression like she was a particularly elegant tornado.
"You’re enjoying this," I accused.
James didn’t deny it. "Watching you get scolded by a woman who actually cares if you live to thirty? Yeah. It’s adorable."
Milly’s ears went pink. "Jamie."
"What? You do care." James smirked. "You cried when he got cast as Romeo."
"I did not—" But then—weirdest thing—Milly’s shoulders dropped, just a fraction. Like his teasing had taken the edge off her fury.
Huh. Maybe this is how Saint Milly fooled James that she was human. Fake vulnerability
“Also..about the smoking citation” she stated, her voice devoid of inflection. "Consider it archived. The Stewards’ Report has been… amended."
I blinked. “Amended? What does that—”
“It means” she interrupted, stepping closer, “it no longer exists on your disciplinary record. A ‘clerical error’.” The quotes were audible.
My jaw slackened. “You… fixed it?” The concept was alien. Milly didn’t fix things for me; she reported them. To higher authorities with graphs. Like all those times she snitched every one of my transgressions to our father.
“I always fix things for you, Xavi. Even when you are not noticing.” She smoothed her already immaculate blazer and walked away.
“Trivia time,” James said, casually. “Who invited you to Sigma Night?”
“I wasn’t… I mean, I just showed up. I think it was open? I think Milan was there.”
“Uh-huh.” He flipped through the worn copy of the script on the dresser and then left.
Sketchy guy.
Pro tip : Do not trust Econ t0ssers. Scratch that. Do not trust Trust fund Econ t0ssers.
Three days later, the metaphorical stage f!re lit the whole campus, and the Vice Chancellor announced a "personal sabbatical." Coincidentally, that same afternoon campus security raided an off campus "study retreat," arresting Carter Clarkson—whose party favours apparently extended beyond terrible DJ sets and overpriced v0dka. They confiscated enough r00fies, study dru..gs and thermal gear to outfit a Bond villain's lair.
Three robotics society members "voluntarily withdrew." Amara Bloomwood's BlackP3ak internship dissolved after someone leaked footage of her d0ing lines off a trophy. The bursar's nephew transferred to what I can only assume was a university with better accounting standards.
And me? I watched from the sidelines like an extra in someone else's rev.enge fantasy. Because let's be honest—I knew exactly how this went down.
James had called in favours with his City banker uncle to sin.k Amara. Milly had strategically leaked just enough dirt to make the VC's "sabbatical" non negotiable. And Ray? Ray had redirected those "misplaced" funds with surgical precision (fine, Milan and Joe handled the actual h@cking but the strategy was all Ray)
This wasn't just about thermal cameras. This was personal. Whatever the Crown had taken from them, they'd reclaimed with compound interest.
Joe still showed up to jiu jitsu and kept his funding and his tee.th, which, statistically, made him luckier than anyone who’d ever crossed Ray.The university expelled half the Robotics Society, yet Joe Mathews kept his spot. Must’ve been Saint Milly’s Christmas miracle.
But nobody said anything.
No triumphant reveals.
No villainous monologues.
Milly just shoved a black coffee–"I expect you to attend the next Union General Meeting. Punctually." —no sugar, because she knows I hate it—into my hand. "Quorum is so hard to reach these days."
At home, though? That's where it got bad.
Our father—Doctor Alden, married to A&E more than any human being—was actually present on Christmas morning for once, sipping black coffee while the local news played footage of Carter Clarkson's arrest. His eyes flicked to me over the rim of his glasses.
"Stay away from those dru..g parties next time, Xavier." Not a warning. A verdict.
Milly didn't miss a beat. "Xavier's too dull for that crowd. The worst he manages is the occasional drunken brawl that lands him in your A&E"
I choked on my orange juice. "Playing the devoted daughter today, are we?"
She held our father's stare. "Simply stating facts."
It was the kind of line that sounded like she had my back... while tossing me straight under the bus.
James was worse. He cornered me at my locker after break, grinning like a cat who'd not only stolen the cream but framed the dog for it. "You're welcome, by the way."
"For what?"
"Exactly." He lobbed a protein bar at my head and sauntered off.
Ray, at least, had the decency to be weird about it. He slid his laptop toward me one night— online articles open to two tabs: "Avocado Smoothies: Trend or Tragedy?" and "How Inflation Is Screwing Millennials."
"You got them mixed up" he said. "You were ranting about Carter's stupid smoothie comment, then pulled out your phone searching avocado recipes. You were so out of it you just kept scrolling—then jumped to that inflation article and started lecturing James about monetary policy in the backseat while I was driving you to A&E that night"
He did not say which night but the dates on the article and A&E can only mean the Sigma Night.
A cold realisation hit me.
I groaned.
"Oh god. Is that why James was laughing at me in the cafeteria?"
He didn't answer.
A year after the fall of the Gifted Few, the quad still smelled like fresh paint and poor decisions.
"Xavi!" A fresher waved like I was some sort of minor celebrity. Tris from my disastrous Romeo & Juliet fl1pped me off with surprising warmth. Ray ignored them all.
"Xavi!" Another first year bounded over. "You were brilliant in The Crimes of Academia! Are you auditioning for Much Ado? We need someone to play Benedick!"
I flashed my best rogueish smile. "Only if you'll be my Beatrice."
She blushed. Ray exhaled through his nose—the closest he gets to an eye roll.
Then his phone buzzed. He glanced at it—just a flicker of tension in his jaw—and silenced the screen.
"Fanmail?" I asked.
"Spam." Then he paused. "You're the one with fans, Timmy Chalamet. The rest of us don't have them."
I froze mid smirk. "Don't say that name. Did Milly tell you about that? That lavender scented dictator—"
He raised an eyebrow.
I raised my middle finger.
"See, I told you before," I muttered. "We're not friends."
For half a second, Ray just looked at me.
"After all we've been through... after all we've done for you. You really are an unreliable narrator in your own story." He shook his head.
Done for me? Right. The stolen reports. The confiscated cigarettes. Typical Ray, inflating basic human decency (if you could call anything he did 'decency') into some grand favour.
Before I could point out he'd probably categorise helping an old lady across the street as 'inefficient resource allocation', he leaned in slightly, his eyes holding mine with an uncomfortable intensity usually reserved for flawed equations or malfunctioning espresso machines.
"We are your friends, Xavier. Nelson, Milly and I. Even Milan, for all his va..pe cloud gossips"
It wasn't warm. It wasn't fuzzy. It sounded like a statement of fact, delivered with the grim finality of a terminal diagn0sis. Then the weird moment passed. His expression snapped back to its default setting: mildly annoyed, vaguely superior.
Ten paces ahead, without slowing or turning, his voice cracked like a whi.p across the quad:
"AT LEAST GET THE FACTS RIGHT IN YOUR MONOLOGUE, YOU IDIOT!"
@azurePond Apparently, 7 Cups thinks I'm pl0tting something si.nister — p0ssibly aga.inst mys.elf and huma.nity — hence the aggressive editing.
@azurePond
Bravo. It took me a second read through to assimilate it fully, but it was absorbing on both reads. It showcases your affinity for dialogue and builds up pictures of the various characters without descriptive characterisation. And what a cast of characters! None of them can be said to be truly likeable. They are nuanced and complex with traits that give them a sort of grey moral ambiguity. You have certainly captured a particular age and mindset that is familiar to me, and carried it off with skill...which makes those characters all the more uncomfortably unpleasant. More on that next.
The narrator is fun to watch in the same way that we love to love villains: they get the best lines, their words and deeds act as a form of vicarious wish fulfilment. Xavier is caustic, bombastic, and soooo opinionated. Their radar is never off, and their banter is heavily stylised. His thoughts and words are not just monologue but are verbal combat. A person who is dramatic to a fault and so confident in their own intelligence that they are blind to details that do not fit into their schema. I am reminded of Stelfox from John Niven's 'How to K1ll your friends', also the way he riffs off his verbal sparring partners and monologues with such self indulgent certainty, it creates a pleasing similarity between his character and that of Patrick Bateman from the film 'American Psycho'. However, unlike such characters, Xavier has an emotionally guarded insecurity about him that offsets the more flamboyant and acerbic traits. He never seems capable of offering full praise, framing things in negative or dismissive terms even when touching on qualities he might admire. This seems suggestive of his outsider position, that seems (as we see by the end of the story) is to a large part self imposed as much as it is due to his attitude. I got impression that Xavier was gay (and noooo, not because he is a theatre (major or just extra curricula, I was not sure). It was certain turns of phrase (such as the annoyance with the condescension of the administration against those it thinks are 'too pretty to be p1ssed'), his use of the cigarette as a dramatic tool. If this was your intention, I think it is really nicely done. Very understated. I imagine if he is gay, perhaps it is someone who has not come out or is quite anti-camp (again, his use of language and the interrelationships hinted at with his frenemies shows a militant, almost defensive quality. Not someone in touch with their feminine side. In many ways he seems asexual).
Xavier has a couple of brilliant speech/thought 'tics' that are think are absolute brilliance. His latching on to a clever witticism and reusing and rehashing it over and over: His jibes about trust funds, his Pokémon collector metaphor, and his mocking of 'poor life decisions'. It is EXACTLY how (in my experience) a certain brand of uni student, high on their own intellectualism, hyper focus on things which they think make them look clever and use them ad nauseum. With Xavier it is both highly aggravating ego and at the same time a glimpse of the fragility of his defences. He has the sort of wit that you laugh at but hope the laser beam does not turn in your direction.
The other characters also are shown with the same dualistic blend of admirable and obnoxious traits. In fact dualism and hypocrisy flow through this whole story in an artful subtext. However, as we see towards the end (the very very abrupt end), our narrator is far from reliable (with even characters in the story reminding us of this fact). How much of their traits are true and how much is mythologised and coloured as it flows through our narrators filter? Certainly from the banter we see enough about some of the characters to still feel distanced from them and find them difficult to like. But perhaps some of that is exacerbated by Xavier's interaction with them, the half-secrecy of their plan, and the barely hinted at history between them all.
The flow of the story is intriguing. The exposition is never spoon fed to us, and instead leaves a lot up to the audience to figure out. I like this a lot! Too often one feels that authors do not respect the intelligence of their readership enough for them to be able to work things out without having large flag-posts to guide them. The only thing I will say is that there is a LOT of information that is delivered through the dialogue and characters brought in with a great deal of organic conversation...this appeals to me immensely, but might be hard for some to follow as it feels like exactly what it is....jumping in to a conversation amongst uni compatriots with their own internal language, history, and idioms. It can be confusing, as we struggle to quickly catch up to speed with what is happening, and who is who...but I think you did that on purpose. I imagine you did this to heighten that world within a world feel of university. It works perfectly.
I mention the end seems abrupt. I admired that stylistic choice. Things snowball rapidly, and the conclusion seems like it comes suddenly out of left field...which it does. The friends plan is executed with precision, like a black op, and as such there is no show-down, no end boss. It is efficient, cold, and sudden. As such, any preamble towards it would lessen the impact. Also, cutting it off without greater emotional investiture strikes the perfect note with Xavier's confused realisations. His ideas are shaken, when it becomes clearer that others he has set up in his own head as adversarial have been friends all the time. We do not get some twee moment of learning and development, just confused doubt and then a slip back towards status quo.
(The more I think about it, the more my mind gets spiralling down into further layers of complexity. Yumyumyum!)
Milly and Xavier...there is another intriguing can of worms. I am seeing dualism EVEYWHERE!!!!! *starts painting the world in black and white in a mad frenzy*
I am going on too long. I shall stop now, because I am keen to know your thoughts. But I am more than happy to keep talking about the story afterwards with you.
Really enjoyed it *Smiles*
@BastionKnight
Oh and I never even got started on the whole Hamlet nod.
@BastionKnight I haven't read your analysis... but wanted to ask you... you get why AI can’t replicate this right?
Also, this story has fourth wall breaking moments.
@BastionKnight ok Xavi and Ray are like Hamlet and Horatio
@BastionKnight Thank you Thank you *bows *... this is part 1 of my reply
OOh my very unlikeable babies 😭 *tears *
@azurePond
I did indeed understood what you were hinting at with AI and did not for a second think you were suggesting that your proficiency was superior....the thought never entered my brain. For someone who is so amazingly clever and talented, you certainly doubt yourself a lot or feel you need to explain or justify. It is a very humble quality, but I wish it was not so intertwined with anxiety for you. You are a super brain, it's allllll good.
I am glad you brought up the Sigma Night issue. I did gloss over it with mentioning how you do not spoon feed the exposition. I thought it was a nice touch. It IS integral to the plot, but it does not fall into the usual foreshadowing tropes. The name works on so many levels; the Uni-speech of Xavier, the frat allusions that are all too familiar and cast a threatening shadow, the Sigma male connotation and it's inversion/perversion under the Gifted Few's aegis, the way it gives us a location and time without needing to know anything more than its title...really clever stuff. I like how it slots in without being hammered. There is a subtly about your writing that impresses me. This being a good example. Few authors, when they come up with a clever device with multiple intricacies, can avoid trying to draw extra attention to it. I liken it to the playground behaviour of "I got a secret you don't know....what is it? Not Telling!". You on the other hand drop these little mines, allowing us to walk over and miss them entirely or be surprised when triggering an explosion of realisation.
Did you write this just to confound copying by AI? Or is there something else at work here? I hope you do not think I ever thought ANYTHING you ever wrote was not created by your own hand....if you did, let me reassure you I have never entertained that idea, ever.
I can understand why people can get antsy about it. I always presume that whenever someone shares something, they made it unless they tell me otherwise. But it would be untrue to say I have not felt a little disheartened when one sees vast quantities of content appearing rapidly. I know that some writers are more prolific than others (you are a perfect example), but for me, writing is a wringing out of emotions and ideas and sweating over the forge. So perhaps it is inevitable, when being bombarded by information practically daily about AI that even when one does not consciously doubt others, there is a small sliver of unconscious suspicion that the rational mind quickly dismisses as undeserving.....or maybe it is just the thoughts of a Salieri in a world full of Beethovens...I will stick with the latter as I like to trust people. How about you?
@BastionKnight
Sir Knight.......................
4. How are u doing today?
And just generally…
5.what are u up to?
@azurePond
1. Grilled cheese would tease that taco is wacko
and crumbles when it comes to the crunch.
Though both come from flour, which has the power
to emerge as the baron of brunch.
2. Shhhhhh! Not so loud! You are stumbling on to dangerous territory there. They have more power than you could possibly imagine...they have infiltrated all levels of society, and pull the strings from beneath a web of proxies and patsies. The nuts are just the tip of the iceberg. The rabbit hole is deeper and more convoluted than anyone suspects....even the rabbits! Such talk brings you to within a hares breadth of discovery. You have to outfox them if you want to keep beavering away at the truth. It's not something you can simply badger out of them...they are not sheepish about taking extreme measures. Remember...it was never about the nuts!
3. Aether-hors d'oeuvres on black-holegrain toast.
4. I am fine. Always good. How about you?
5. Plotting....interminably plotting. Fingers steepled, and eyes narrowed so tightly that it creates not crows-feet at the edges of the eyes, but rather a full parliament of ravens instead. Are you doing the same, or are you already on to preparing your victory dance to the sound of the wailing and gnashing of teeth of your adversaries?
@BastionKnight Taco is wacko lol
@BastionKnight Hey Knight.. How are you? where are you? are you ok? are you on a quest? what is the the easiest route to the holy grail?
@azurePond
Salutations Lady Lilypad. I am fine.
How has the move gone? (Has it actually been actioned already or was it in the pipeline? Apologies if you have covered this in forum posts elsewhere, but I have been absent and so do not know what I may have missed). I liked the imagery of you rising all flame haired, leaping from the inferno full of vim and vigour and consuming foes like zephyr-snacks. Am I to presume from this that their has still been some resistance but that you are not letting it get you down?
I do apologise that my replies have been somewhat delayed as of late. It is something I shall be sure to remedy.
May I inquire what has been spurring the imagination and satisfying the mind of AzurePond lately?
I thought I would share some more musical suggestions for your perusal;
Gortoz a ran by Denez Prigent and Lisa Gerrard
Adiemus by Karl Jenkins
Roter Sand by Rammstein
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
Die Flut by Joachim Witt and Peter Heppner
Happy listening, and hope to hear from you soon.
@BastionKnight Salutations, Sir Knight.
@azurePond
Greetings Lady Lilypad, and a warm welcome back to you.
I am delighted to hear that your relocation has gone well, and am especially pleased to learn that you have not only secured convenient lodgings, but that they are also in the vicinity of your good friend. I do hope this means you will be able to spend more time with them, and I eagerly await the tales of your expanded social calendar now that you are in Z's neighbourhood.
But poor you for coming down with a fever at the same time as the move! Perhaps indeed the climate and rain had a hand in it, but might it also be fair to say that the stress and upheaval played a part too? Running at a low ebb can diminish resistance, so it is not surprising that it had repercussions. You poor thing. Did your grandparents come to the rescue with hearty victuals? I have often heard that chicken soup is seen as some sort of panacea by large swathes of this green-blue ball...I suspect that it is less so for the chickens themselves...they probably use prawn sandwiches instead...applied topically. Do you have your own/family's own food o' get-wellness?
It is very good to see you back with us all again. You have been missed. And I am elated to hear that you are happy and at peace. Turmoil and tribulations might be fine muses, but probably not so great for general wellbeing. I mean, you just have to look at the large category of deceased poets....every one of them, without exception has left the mortal coil...coincidence? AND, after they snuffed it, not one of them ever wrote anything EVER AGAIN! Yet despite not ever celebrating another birthday, they continued being published!...the similarities mount up and up, until I think we can no longer credibly see it as random occurrences. It seems clear that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side....and a movie franchise and line of toys.
So without preamble, yes indeedy, it was my spine that was operated on...they lay me on a big red plastic table, then pulled bits out with a pair of oversized tweezers, being careful not to touch the edges lest I make a loud buzzing noise and my nose glow red. I have indeed been well behaved in regards to my physio and appointments. I got mildly scolded by the physiotherapist for being too 'eager' with some of my exercises, which had been exacerbating my discomfort. The last appointment was pretty long by comparison to many of the previous others, and the spinal manipulation was part arrrrgh!, with a dash of hmm-feels-ok-yeeowaitno-ouch, and a soupcon of Yummmm! I am just impatient, and keep trying to push harder and faster to get back to optimum fitness (the lesser known health-conscious Autobot cousin of Optimus Prime). I have me, myself, and I, so all the components I need for recuperating. As to other stuff, BK has been painting and converting models like a demon...a very easily distracted demon who has multiple projects on the go, and has not completed any single one to finality just yet. I am also looking in to the viability of doing some courses to retrain into a different field (as I will not be able to return to doing what I used to do as a job). I am thinking something along the lines of social care, and have had a really productive phone conversation with one of the course providers. So hopefully I might be starting some training in the not too distant future. MMMM tasty study and homework, nomnomnom.
I posted a poem the other day, and did a couple of quick rhymes for some forum posts but otherwise have still been languishing in the doldrums when it comes to writing. But I think I am slowly becoming a fan of baclava...who would have thought a knitted thermal piece of headgear could taste so morish.
As always, I am earnestly looking forward to your replies to my other letters, but there is no rush. Take things in your own time, and don't put any pressure on yourself.
Fondest regards,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Greetings, Sir Knight, and thank you for the warm welcome.
Oh yes… I’m back in my homeland * dons traditional dress and waves the national flag proudly *
And yes the social calendar… thank heavens Z is being a responsible adult with work and all that. Otherwise I wouldn’t have a social calendar.... just endless message alerts pinging every second. He’s like the ultra max pro edition of an extrovert, always up to date on everything lol. But I’m glad that he is here ( he cooks really amazing food... also I value him as a friend..obviously.. but still the food is amaaazing)
Poor me - Yes —I can’t stand being ill. Even a headache makes me dramatic. When I was sick I actually rang Z and said “I’ve returned to my birthplace to di.e… goodbyeeeeeee.” The only time I’m truly useless is when I’m unwell. Then I just become this blanket burrito on the bed—needing to be fed, not sleeping, just groaning and crying. Honestly, I make it worse for myself.
“Did your grandparents come to the rescue with hearty victuals?” * laughs at the thought * THAT WAS A FUN SCENE TO IMAGINE ...... Not really, at least not on my mother’s side. My grandfather gave me a good scolding for not being careful (not harsh, just his way.. he is one of those "strict grandfathers" who is actually a big old softie). It was actually Z who took me to the hospital first and then my grandparents arrived. They pretty much scared the doctors away, since most of the senior doctors there were either taught by them or knew them already (they’re retired doctors). It was funny seeing them in their element.
It could just be that everything took a toll on my body and finally came out as a fever.
I love soups when I’m sick—especially chicken soup—but Z made me miso soup. I usually hate tofu but in the soup I actually liked it.
Prawn sandwiches sound amazing… I’ve never had one, but maybe I should.
As for family “get well” foods... I don’t really have any. My other grandmother used to make porridge and ginger tea but that’s about it. When I was a kid, Z's mother (I call her Aunty.... she’s also my godmother) would bring me soups if she wasn’t too busy or out of town. But those were rare.
You’ve been missed too, Knight <3
I loved that monologue- “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side… and a movie franchise and a line of toys.” That’s exactly how life goes haha. Darth Vader would agree.
Oh so now you glow red like Rudolph? *sorry for laughing while you’re on the surgery table *
Don’t rush yourself though. I know it’s frustrating, but take it slow. Slow is still progress—push too hard and you’ll undo everything you’ve gained since the surgery. So, steady pace, Knight.
Spinal manipulation though… that sounds rather painful. *sending you analgesic powered hugs *
BK Prime, you’ve got this! Don’t push harder than you should. This is one of those times where you conserve your strength and just keep going steadily. Think of it as a cross-country run, not a 100 metre sprint.
And you’re changing jobs? That’s exciting. Upskilling with new courses sounds like a logical and productive choice. I’m glad your call about it was useful. Social care sounds noble—very fitting for you, Knight. Wishing you the best with it!
I’m glad you’re back into poetry too—yaaay! It feels like a win for me as well. I’ll check out your poems soon. At the moment I’m just battling through the mountain of notifications, but it makes me happy that people missed me and reached out.
Ah, baklava… I love them. Was it your first time trying them?
“A knitted thermal piece of headgear could taste so moreish” — HAHA!!
Yes, yes, Knight.
Take care 💙
I’ll listen to the songs and reply to your letters soon. I know there’s no pressure but I don’t like procrastinating when it comes to friends, especially replying.
With love,
Your friend,
Lady Lilypad 🌼
@azurePond
Salutations dear Lady Lilypad,
I giggled greatly when imagining you sprawled on your chaise longue, hand brought to fevered brow and opining over the phone your dramatic goodbye to Z. You be a blanket burrito my friend, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be totally looked after when feeling poorly. It is very sweet...(and a wincey bit funny too). Besides, it gives all the folks with a caregiver demeanour the chance to flex their compassion muscles.
Haaaaang on...took you to the hospital!? That is not a bit poorly, that is full blown 'not-too-goodness'. Are you alright my dear friend? I presume you are not still in the hospital (or perhaps I am mistaken), so is Z making sure you have everything you need and checking up on you? (Of course he is...he's Z!! Z would not leave you hanging when you are a little fragile...I find it comforting to know the great AzurePond is not languishing without a friend on hand to stage a rescue). But pooor you. I didn't realise at first how much you were unwell.
On a slightly different tangent, I am not so much changing jobs as going in a totally different career path. I lost my former job due to my injury and the ongoing complications, and afterwards I realised I could not really go back to it again. It is a shame because I was good at it (and I am not good at many things, so being good at anything is a big deal for me). It made me all tingly when you said it was a noble choice. I don't feel noble, but I do admit that the idea of doing something that actually benefits people rather than just feeds consumerism was a big draw and influenced my current choices.
Awwww, you are so sweet...a big win for you huh? You tell such pretty lies! But I thank you for saying them. *Smiles happily* I am hardly surprised that you had such a alpine range of notifications when you slipped into the dark for a while, your presence is one that brings up the energy in the 'room'. You are fun, kind, and generous with your attention. When that disappears, even for a short while, it is like someone turned off the lights and put earmuffs on us all. So get used to climbing those peaks of messages, or prepare to stay with your fans.
It was not my first time trying baclava, but for some unknown reason my taste seems to have shifted slightly so that I appreciate it far more than I did when I first tried it. I tried dipping a scarf in maple syrup, but it just wasn't the same.
It will be interesting to to know what you thought when you do get a chance to hear the music suggestions I proposed. If you have some of your own for me to experience, do tell.
Sweet dreams, be well, and I look forward to hearing from you.
With affection and admiration,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight
Salutations, Sir Knight,
Please do laugh… it was every bit as funny as you imagined.
“Chance to flex their compassion muscles” — true.... haha.
Yes… the hospital bit. I think I’ve told you before how I almost drowned when I was a child right? So that’s when I had pneumonia and it was serious. Ever since then whenever I get a fever especially with wheezing…. I fall ill quite badly. My lungs struggle, my breathing becomes difficult so yes this time it was rather serious. But I’m alright now and I’ve got medication and I’m taking care of myself. Still a little short of breath and aching but I’ve got an inhaler now and the meds make me sleep (a win for me, honestly)
I wasn’t in hospital long maybe like about 12 hours before they sent me home. My grandparents and Z were with me the whole time. Then he came back with me to the apartment. He only left yesterday. He really didn’t have to do much but it was such a relief having him here — waking me up for medication and meals, checking my temperature. By the third day I was up and about.. like I’d risen from the grave like Jesus Christ 😅 Z still stayed though because I was struggling to breathe. He only took two days off work but after that he started working from here.
My grandparents wanted me to stay with them but I couldn’t. Too many memories there and I didn’t want to be there while feeling fragile. So yes I’m grateful for Z. We’ve always been there for each other from the very beginning — literally... he was in the hospital when I was born (just a year old himself) We’re family. Some people used to think we were cousins …. which is kinda fair since I call his mom ‘aunt,’ he’s always at our family dinners. Honestly, we’re closer to Z’s family than to our actual cousins because in both our families there’s way too much, let’s say, infighting and backstabbing. So we just sort of became honorary cousins instead. I swear the only good thing my dad ever did for us was becoming friends with Z’s mom back in school, lol.
Anyway, he is the only reason my dad didn’t jump on a plane this time .He knows Z will always do what’s best for me even when it goes against my father’s own definition of “best” (which is… quite often tbh)
Don’t worry if I’m slower replying here — illness hits me differently because of the weak lungs and it takes a lot out of me.
Now about you, Sir Knight.
I really admire the way you’ve handled such a big shift. It can’t have been easy to lose work you were good at especially after an injury but you’ve taken that moment and turned it into something meaningful. That’s honestly inspiring. And don’t undersell yourself about being good at something is a big deal,YES, but being brave enough to start again is even bigger. You may not feel noble but choosing a path where your work helps people is its own quiet kind of nobility. I think you’ll surprise yourself with the difference you make.
And yes.. Totally a win for me indeed! I really enjoyed reading your poem… it was so good to see how your style has evolved. I think there was another one of yours — forgive me, I’m terrible with titles — the one with the unicorn picture? About dreaming of someone and waking before seeing them? I remember the feelings even if not the title. Your new poem carried those same emotions…. unrequited love, unrealised dreams but with added violence and brutality, yet still a bittersweet resignation. I can’t quite explain it but I felt it deeply (and I call myself a poet! I should learn to use words..haha)
Sir, I am known for being brutally honest… pretty lies, no thank you. lol.
Fans, though — lol… you make me sound like a movie star.
* Blushes dramatically * oh stop… you’ll make me trip over my own alpine range of notifications again 😅
That was truly kind of you, thank you. I don’t see myself the way you describe but it means so much to know my presence matters. I’ll try not to vanish too often though I’ll still need the odd breather. Guess I’ll just get better at climbing those message mountains 🌄✨. I like to think of those notifications as coming from friends anyway. Today alone I had about 105 and I’m replying to them one by one.
As for baklava — I’m glad your taste buds finally came round to its magic 🥮✨. But a scarf? As in, a real scarf? Was it an accident or were you attempting some new gastronomic experiment? 😅
I’m sorry I haven’t listened to your songs yet but I will and I’ll reply when I do.
My brain always freezes when someone asks for recommendations and it forgets every song I know and starts chanting the names of the Teenage mutant ninja turtles.
But after racing their names like a meditation mantra, I’ve found inner peace — so here goes my list:
Free (from the K pop demon hunter movie I was hooked on recently.. I like Free and Your Idol)
Writing’s on the wall — Sam Smith
Heavy is the crown —- Linkin Park
Chains – Fleetwood Mac
I wanna dance with somebody —- Whitney Houston
I know these are random songs and makes no sense but it is the ninja turtle brain talking.
Also, May I ask you something — please ignore if it’s upsetting or too much — but was your spinal surgery the result of an accident? And do you still have physio sessions?
And how are your sisters and nephews? Do they still come round for game nights?
How are you, Knight?
I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
*sending you warm hugs powered by Belgian chocolates 🍫*
With love,
Your friend,
Lady Lilypad
@azurePond
Greetings dear Lady Lilypad,
I thought I would give you a little time between replies to allow you a chance to catch your breath after clambering over your hills of notifications. I trust you have scaled their lofty heights and now are surveying which land you will adventure in next?
Sorry to hear about your ongoing chronic breathing issues. You are not asthmatic are you? (You mentioned having an inhaler now, but I was not sure if that was just a temporary measure for steroid treatment). That must be really difficult to deal with when you fall unwell, you have my sympathy. Still, I am glad to know the hospital visit was short and that Z took care of you. (Bless his heart. Big kudos to Z). I think it is really lovely that you share such a tight bond with him. Never let that go, it is a rare and special thing.
You still sound quite angry about your dad. Maybe anger is too strong a word...hmm...resentful perhaps? Has the distance not helped you feel a little easier/more free? I suppose it is still very early. I would like to think that the distance will let you feel happier and more content. You deserve much better than constant competition and navigating other people's plans for you. Have you thought more about what you are going to do with this year? (Don't you just love nosey people trying to get snippets of your life when all you want to do is recover and get your strength back...they circle like vultures, waiting for AzurePond to drop her guard so they can interrogate her about her life choices *smiles beakishly whilst riding the thermals overhead*)
I have started the course already, booked and attended my first group workshop (wasting no time at all here) and have been studying and preparing for my first assessment. I am still waiting to see if my funding goes through (otherwise this could end very abruptly), and still waiting to be assigned a tutor. But I have lots to do in the mean time. It is a bit daunting, but I am up for the challenge. Thank you for your very kind comments about me travelling down this path, they make me smile and are really encouraging.
I guess the other poem of mine you were thinking of was Impossible Dream? The creature is a Qilin, but I totally understand why it made you think of unicorns. Your comments made me smile so much. It felt all tingly to think what I wrote could leave such an impression. *Smiles*
* Blushes dramatically * oh stop… you’ll make me trip over my own alpine range of notifications again 😅 *Grins in amusement*
I understand the sentiment when you say you do not see yourself as I describe it. However I hope you come to see that it is an opinion that is shared by many others who have the privilege of interacting with you. There is truth even in my hyperbole. Don't fret about making vows to be around, or feel like you need to excuse when you aren't. People understand. Many will share that same need to retreat from time to time, or just have every day life stuff that takes up time and attention. When one encounters someone who is vibrant and life affirming in word and deed, it is easy to forget that they too have come here for possibly similar reasons to those who are more reticent or openly hurting. And that can lead to the feeling of obligation to conform to that image. It is understandable, but please be reassured on that score that I never have nor will presume your well of light is powered by an infinity engine...sometimes you need to recharge. It is AAAALLLLL good. Take things at your own pace and in your own time. The happier and more at ease you are, the more all of us benefit too...so it is a win win scenario.
*Chuckles at the notion of 105 notifications* It is things like that that make not being popular so much more comforting and appealing.
So, you wish to know about my sartorial cuisine choices eh? Well, yes..it was indeed a real scarf. No accident. The choice was deliberate....just as was my choice of balaclava...For you see, I had read that one should consume more fibres in ones diet to remain healthy. Though after trying the scarf, I am seriously starting to doubt the wisdom of these so called nutritionists. And don't even get me started on jacket potatoes! Could I find any in the shops!? No. Every grocers, supermarket, market stall, and even speciality potato shops did not have a single potato jacket...just the usual round ones with potato skin on them. So in the end I made a compromise and just ate a jacket that had been deep fried. It was not as bad as I had feared when I first saw it emerge from the scalding fat. Though I do admit leaving the buttons and zipper on was a mistake.
You have not listened to my song choices!? Chastise thyself! *Grins* Nah, it's all fine. Give them a shot if/when you feel like it. There is no rush or obligation to anything. *hums the TMNT theme tune to ease your mind*
Free: The lyrics are very relatable, and the way the song builds to its crescendo is very uplifting.
Writings on the wall: Ooh yum. I very much appreciate the orchestral style pieces. I find them so dramatic and that sends shivers down my spine. I also have always admired male singers with such high ranges. Not sure what is is about it, but it acts like lightning in my nerves.
Heavy is the crown: Yeeeeaaaah!!!! Totally my sort of power Alt Rock. The moment the base and drums start hammering I am nodding and tapping to the beat before my body even realises it. I still find it strange listening to Linkin Park without Chester Bennington, but Emily Armstrong is a really good replacement...different but familiar enough to make it still feel quintessentially the same.
The Chain: Another cool choice, very old school. I am very much a fan, and heartily appreciate this selection.
I wanna dance with somebody: Woah, we suddenly take a radical change in direction. Hmm, I was starting to see a theme running through your choices and then you deliver this wild card. One that I really like. Her voice was so beautiful, and this song is so iconic. I defy anyone to listen to it and not feel elevated. Hmmmm, now I have an overwhelming urge to find The Bodyguard and watch it again.
Thank you for those suggestions. I enjoyed them very much indeed.
It is okay my friend, you can ask me anything you like. My spinal injury was indeed due to an accident, but there was a large amount of time between the injury and the surgery, in which things got progressively worse until the pain was constant. Bodies are surprisingly squishy and crunchable compared to machines, steel, and concrete....which is probably why there are no Robot Vs Humans rugby matches being organised at the moment. I am indeed still attending phsyio to help with ongoing pain management, range of movement, and help rebuild strength. There is some nerve damage that is probably permanent, and some other complications with the bones, but all things being equal, it isn't so bad.
I have not seen as much of my sisters lately as I would like, but I am still doing pretty regular game sessions with my nephews. My youngest nephew has lured me back into playing tabletop miniature games with him, so I have been spending some time making up models and painting them. But we are still all doing our other games as well. My little sister made me a dinner the other night when I went round to visit her, and it was amazing. I have to encourage her to make food for me more often...not her kids...just me....only me....food just for me......bwahahahahahahahaha! *Hands raised to the sky in megalomanic pose*
BK is fine. Luckily he does not need much maintenance...just a scouring pad to keep the rust off, and the occasional shampoo so his hair doesn't end up as a rats nest.
Thank you for the cocoa infused hugs...it's like being cared for by Nestle! I approve. *Smiles*
Fondest regards,
Your friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Salutations, Sir Knight,
And I’m glad the chocolate infused hugs helped. Sending more — this time with dark chocolate power and lavender scented candles.
@azurePond
To Her most Magical of Majesties of Manifold Mysteries, fondest greetings.
It sounds like you and your warrior lungs need some some solid defences (can one chrome-plate lungs?). It sounds like you had the perfect storm of stress, upheaval, strenuous activity, lack of rest, and lungs which seemed keen to pick a fight with the rest of your body. So, the common cold is your Kryptonite? Well I suppose with all the amazing things about you, there has to be one or two imperfections to round you out and make you all the more complete....it is the essence of wabi-sabi, and adds to your depth.
You speak of Z in such glowing terms (which I strongly suspect they thoroughly deserve), but as you have a penchant for praising others and accepting very little for yourself, I am wondering if you are being naughty and comparing yourself unfavourably to yet another human being? Or, might there be a hint of something more than the platonic for Z? That is not an attempt to fish for details, but more a general musing. In the greater scheme of things, as long as you both look out for each other, what else really matters?
It is admirable that you can look at things with your dad with such level-headedness. It sounds like he lashes out with such quips when he feels he is losing control of an argument, or when he is realising that he does not have as much sway over you and your choices as he might wish. It sounds from what you have described that he does love you, even if he is inelegant in the way he demonstrates it. I am also guessing from how you respond about him you love him too. We don't always have to necessarily like the people we might still care for deeply. Maybe I am wrong, and misread things (if it was not clear already, I try to view the world through a rose coloured prism, and sometimes mistake the ephemera of distortions for the true image). I am surprised to hear that you still have contact with your mother considering what you have said about your past. The more I learn about you, the more I am equally impressed and intrigued. You should be proud of yourself. I am certainly proud of you.
Yes indeedy, do the whole catch-up with friends thing and just reset and recharge. I think there is an unhealthy impetus thrust on us all the time to 'do, do, do, be, make, earn, do, go'. And for all the rushing around it compels us to, it often makes us miss the very things happening around us all the time which might very well make us more happy if we were running past them all the time. Or maybe that is my inner lazy gremlin just giving excuses to avoid brisk walking. Do what makes you happy, and try to increase the net happiness of others as you do it. Everything else will sort itself out in the end.
You can indeed ask, and I shall answer. I am on a course to gain a qualification in counselling. I have done most of my first assessment, and just have to complete a practical for the second part. So far it has been really interesting. My tutor got in touch with me the other day, and my funding was confirmed today, thus so far so good. Where exactly I will go with it, I have not yet decided...but that sounds like a problem for a different day. *Smiles*
*Is imagining the Doctor Wars* ....is that why they refer to combat zones as Theatres of War? I would make the perfect pawn in their Game of Office Chairs, or Wards of the Roses....as a set of scrubs or lab coat, and a knowledgeable air (with just a hint of condescension) is all it takes to bring out the servile sheep in me.
As to my fibre intake and general food adventures, I am now experimenting with increasing my iron intake. My first attempts met with disaster....I should have waited till the thing had cooled down before trying to chew it. Plus I should have finished pressing my shirts before chowing down on the iron. My latter forays met with mixed success....and a lot of being chased off of building sites. (I think the builders were being very unreasonable...there was so many girders there that I did not think they would mind me chewing on one or two....petty, petty, petty).
My model making took a really big hit. One of my cupboards came loose from the wall and fell, smashing up many of the models inside. My first reaction was manic laughter...then a little cry. I was tempted to strike the offending cupboard, but then it looked at me so forlornly with it's inner shelves splayed all down the staircase, that I instantly forgave it. It's nothing that a whole lot of glue and repainting can't fix. My nephews keep trying to rope me in to playing sci-fi miniatures wargames with them. It gives me the motivation to create and paint more scenery for the games, so I have been a very easily distracted knight lately. It is funny, because when they were both very little, it was me getting them to play those games....now they are the masters and I dance to their tune! It is funny though that neither of them has the patience for painting the models, yet they can discuss rules, model designs, background game lore ceaselessly and without breaks (or even breaths it seems). It makes me very proud of them both.
My sister made me a full roast dinner; roast herb chicken, yorkshire puddings, macaroni cheese, sauted broccoli and carrots, rich gravy, pigs in blankets, stuffing balls, crispy roast potatos...nomnomnomnomnom. I feel kinda guilty because I have not had any of my sisters over to cook for them for some time now. They have their own schedules which means we cannot always align, but I worry that I am not being a very good brother. I am seeing one of them tomorrow, so that will be fun.
Sorry if this letter has been a bit rambley. I have been both studying and doing assignments for 9 hours today, so my brain is a little frazzled. I have been making sure I do several hours each day/evening, but today was just more full on, and now my back is quite uncomfortable from being so long in a fixed position. I think I shall get myself something to eat at long last and then catch a few hour dream time.
Most fond regards and affection,
Your friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Salutations, Sir Knight,
@azurePond
Greetings Lady Lilypad, and fond felicitous fanfare for fortune favoured friendships.
I am very glad to hear from you, and for you to let me know you are okay. Worrying is the prerogative of a friend, and is not something the target of the concern needs to fret about. Indeed it is always fine withdrawing when you need to withdraw, and I understand that urge. Perhaps, what with recent events with another who was struggling unseen, I have felt my radar has been off kilter. That is very important to me, so I hope you know that if you ever are stepping closer to uncomfortable shadows, and you wish for a bulwark, you have a friend who will always be ready to offer support to fend off the itchy thoughts. That said, we had discussed how sometimes time away is the necessary salve...so I shall hold off on sending out the search parties straight away. Of course I always notice when you are absent. Being busy does not preclude one from thinking about one's friends...I can multi-task....honest I can.....really....(okay I can't, but that doesn't make what I said any less true).
I am sorry that after getting unwell things snowballed for you. Yet you rise again like a champion, so go team you! I appreciate the glimpse you provided of your varied kryptonites (fret not, your secrets are safe with me....none shall be told of your devastating vulnerability to pineapple...i assume it causes you to break out into a Carmen Miranda fever, complete with fruit hat?). I totally empathise with the aversion to those who might lord it over others simply from a perceived superiority of taste or subculture. It baffles me why anyone would want to foster that feeling, as surely it is more satisfying to share and embrace. So you wish to know BK's Kryptonites?....this sudden spell of illness hasn't been part of your super-villain origin story has it? No? Just checking....well, mine are heights (I become a quivering, nauseated mess and have very odd intrusive thoughts when forced to go near edges of very high locations, and all strength leaves me), witnessing or being made aware of the harm of innocents (I lose the capacity for rational thought, and a very primal, very vengeful boiling dark comes rushing towards the surface and it takes a very big goad indeed to prod it back under lock and key), certain films and pieces of music (the ones that find the chinks in my armour and threaten to break down my carefully maintained demeanour. The horror of someone catching me out with bottom lip quivering and eyes rheumy with emotion is too awful to contemplate)...and oxidisation...Fear may very be the Mind Killer (or so the Atreides say) but Rust is the Great Entropic Immobiliser of those adopting chivalric couture.
You can be the essence of Wasabi if you prefer...rather than the epitome of perfection through imperfections, you can be the height of mustardy burn on a savoury palate. Each to their own I suppose. *Grins*
I must admit, I am a smidgen disappointed that Z is not more than in the platonic zone...but perhaps that is because I have watched too many 80's films which like to wrap up things in neat, karma endorsing bows. I respect that you still hold him in high regard even though you might not always have agreed with his choices or actions. It sounded a little ominous how you phrased it though...the things he's done?
When I mentioned your DNA donor, did it annoy you? I hope not, as that was not my intention.
*Smiles and chuckles a little* That was a valiant attempt at trying to take a complement without deflecting completely. At least the deflection was thematically linked. I have to admit, bringing geography in as an attention diverter is certainly novel.
"Also — you’re easy to talk to, understanding and patient. I think you’ll make a brilliant counsellor." *Blushes*
The first practical assessment was engaging in a helper/helpee session (as the helper), demonstrating the core skills. We had the option of then either getting witness testimony or doing a recorded version. It was daunting, but I also ended up taking lots of notes (a few during, but then lots afterwards as I analysed my performance on the task as well as the helpee's responses. I had hoped I would get my mark and feedback by today, but nothing so far.
As to my nephews, I try to get them to try painting again now and then, but they are more eager to discuss rules and strategy (at length....sometimes that length seems to go on...and on....and on...and on, but their enthusiasm is infectious so I never mind). As to my sisters, aligning schedules can be tough yes, and the measure of care is not weighed by the pounds of portions provided...but I still should do more and make sure I am making myself available more. I did spend some more time with a couple of them, and made them dinner. But I would like to do something special for them when time and funds permit.
"And please don’t apologise for rambling — I actually enjoy it. I learn more about you when you ramble and since you rarely open up, it feels refreshing." *Smiles* That touched me a great deal.
Apologies that this letter is a little shorter than normal.
Your friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight ooh Knight.. you did it again!! the intro..aah I love it!!
Ok.. I am going to let you down .. again... this is not a reply to the letter.. my mind is on a strike against me lately so I need to take another break... *sighs * Apologies for that * eventhough you have said that it is ok* I feel bad...*sighs again * I will reply to you soon.. take care Knight and ace those performance tests and course tests *are there tests? *
@azurePond
*Sends you comforting vibes* Don't fret for even a second about it. You are not letting me down at all, and I totally understand if you need to find your head-space. If something is making you feel bad, then of course you should focus your energies back on self care. (If you were saying you feel bad because you think you need to excuse needing time away, then please allow me to disavow you of such a notion. I only care that you are feeling happy and having your best life. In fact, doing self care helps you feel happier, which in turn makes me feel happier for you...so in essence, you helping you is an altruistic act if you think about it...so, thank you for being kind *smiles*).
I have assignments rather than tests at the moment. I have passed my first ones and have gotten feedback on those (which was positive, so I am feeling pretty buoyant).
Take your time, but do tell me if there is anything I can do to help you feel better. I shall be here whenever you return.
Sending you affection and care,
Your friend,
BastionKnight
@azurePond
Just a quick message to let you know you are missed and being thought of.
@BastionKnight 
@azurePond
*Smiles*
@azurepond
I understand you have things you are still dealing with, so this is just a small wave and a nod to show you that you are still being thought about, that you are missed, and that you are cared about.
May your days bring you joy, your nights be filled with comfort, and your dreams lead to inspiration. I look forward to your return.
@azurepond
Salutations Lady Lilypad, loquacious laureate of lively laughter and light-hearted lore.
Your presence is very much missed, and I fear that your chorus of fans pine at your absence. I hope all is going okay for you. I of course worry about my friend, but stay optimistic because I am aware how capable you are. I hope that your time away from here is giving you breathing room to rejuvenate and find your centre. We all will be thrilled when you are ready to join us all once more.
My course is going well, and I am in the last stretch at the moment. I haven't decided what exactly i will do once this bit is done and dusted, so i still need to look at what my options might be. The season slowly seems to be turning, with more grey days than blue, nights drawing in quicker and nature slowly changing colour. It feels like something waiting to happen. Not sure why. But I am confident that it will be interesting when it finally unfolds.
How have you been? What charming tales of daring-do will you regale us all with when we speak to you next? I trust all your bumps and scrapes have well and truly mended by now?
Anyway, you are in my thoughts and I eagerly look forward to hearing from you again at some point. If you do manage to get a moment to send a message, even if it is just an emoji to let me know you are okay, it would be gratefully received. But, no pressure. Patience is a virtue and virtue is a grace, and Grace arrives in her own sweet time at an unhurried pace. *Smiles*
@BastionKnight Dearest BastionKnight, noble weaver of words,
I can picture you there.... buoyant, capable, on the cusp of your “last stretch”. The anticipation of what’s to come.... that “something waiting to happen” you described so poetically... is almost palpable from here. There’s a rare kind of magic in tht space of potential and I’ve every confidence the unfolding will be as interesting and as favourable as you hope.
{ I’m not exactly level-headed when I’m angry but I do try to see things from his pov. I know he acts from a caring place even when what he thinks is best for me isn’t what I think is best. Still, he loves me. I love him too. He’s been better than our DNA Donor in many ways. He may not have been there every day but he was always a call away and he did try his best. I just don’t like some of his decisions or the things he’s done} THIS IS ABOUT MY DAD. The level of toxicity is astounding though.
Take care Knight,
Sending you love and light.
Best wishes for acing that course (not that you need it cause you already slaying) *sword swishing in the air noises *
*Bows again *
Lady Lilypad
@azurePond
Salutations Most Magnificent Marvel of Mellow Mirth, Magister of Munificent Magnanimity,
I am thrilled to tiddly-bits at hearing from you, and awash with relief and joy in equal measure. Thank you so much for your truly lovely words. I was very moved indeed.
The last few days I have been practically welded to my laptop, surrounded by books, and a plethora of now seemingly meaningless notes and scraps of paper on which it appears I have been scribbling gibberish onto. I am sure they meant something at the time, but lack of sleep, growing anxiety over vanishing time,.....and the fact it appears I wrote them with my eyes closed and not using any alphabet known to man!...means their cryptic knowledge is lost to me.
I am starting to suspect that the unseen thing to come is a giant, horizon spanning pair of old-fashioned mangle rollers that are *** without suction everything towards them, and just to touch those apocalyptic stone squeezers-of-washing is to be annihilated on contact....that or it could be an ice-cream van...who knows?
I read all your replies to my last letter, and you never fail to make me smile, be it from amusement, respect for your wit, happiness at your thoughtfulness, or simply from pleasant surprise. Your flippant dismissals of your hospital stay though have me thinking that maybe you were being a brave lady indeed and not letting on perhaps how poorly you truly were? I cannot fault you for stoicism, but you don't need to don a 'I'M INVEEEEEEEEEEEENCABLE!!!' (spoken by Ren fro Ren and Stimpy) mask on my account. (What a complete hypocrite I am, for I would totally do the same! *Smiles*). Regardless, I am glad you are doing better, and that your brain is feeling a little less like a radio being invaded by army-ants that are sending sparks and jets of electrical flame into the aether. It is less sparky and more sparkly now, right? I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Please, please, please don't fret about seeming off, on, in, under, over, through, beside, distant, near, midway, cold, scalding, or any other position or quality. I promise I will always understand. You keep resting up and make sure you give yourself plenty of pampering...it is not just for cats, purse pooches, and maniacal hypnotist guinea pigs, you know.
Apologies if this is a bit short, but I must get back to my assignments...I have more notes to not-be-able-to-read, and plenty more to make....soon I shall have enough for a full cape!
May warm winds soothe and cool breezes refresh you.
Your loyal friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Dearest Knight
@azurePond
Salutations my dear friend Lady Lilypad,
Your letter was as always a delight to read, and refreshed me no end. I completely empathise with the way you have described how you deal with things, how you use humour to mask the uncomfortable bits, and how you seek to shield those you see as friends from worrying about you. Sometimes it feels easier to smile even when that smile is not felt inside is it not? Perhaps that is one of the reason I feel such resonance with you, as sometimes you say things that I might think but never give voice to.
You have struck the point straight and true when you describe it as sitting with your own discomfort. It is a courage I do not possess, so I admire it in others. So kudos to you. For me, if something troubling is noteworthy enough to be mentioned, it only ever gets to see the light of day once the events are well and truly passed and pose no danger or causing others distress. I think your use of humour to deal is not just about you though...it feels very much about you also protecting others. That is very kind. Again, I ironically respect that characteristic whilst at the same time wishing that you did not feel you needed to do it. (Aren't us humans bizarre and fickle beasties?). I don't think you are a coward or lazy....perhaps a smidgen too strict with yourself. Besides, what does it matter what adults are supposed to do? Maturity is very much overrated,....unless it is in regards to cheese.
I am proud of you though for the strides you are taking with your therapy. I have every confidence in you. If you ever want to say anything about it (this is not a fish-for-details comment, just a offer of a friendly ear), or just vent, please always feel free. You do not need to be Lady Lilypad all the time with me. You will be just as cool and interesting if you are the none polished version of you now and again.
Thank you though for your kind offer of being there as a sounding board for me also. I really do appreciate it....That sounds like such a throwaway line. It is difficult to find a way to express the earnestness and depth of the gratitude without sounding twee, over-effusive, cliched, or insincere...so instead I shall approach it from left-field thinking, using a more tactile way to express it.....I really, really, plushie the sentiment. It means an angora to me. I warm summer afternoon what you said, and rich chocolate ganache that you said it *Smiles*.
It pleases me greatly to know you are surrounding by people who care about you and are looking out for you when you might be a little bit more fragile than usual. Huzzah for the Z's and M's of the world! (As well as those family members who are showing you that they care).
Apologies that it took a couple of days for me to reply. I wanted the time to sit down properly and give this my undivided attention, and so could only get to write to you now.
As always my thoughts are with you, and I wish you only the very best.
Your humble servant,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight It’s totally fine Knight. Take your time to reply......since I’m taking mine too. I’ll respond to your letter soon. I’ve read it and I’m really glad that what I said resonated with you. Focus on your course, ace those assessments and do your best (Your best is better than the absolute level best). I know how daunting assignments and essays can be..... believe me, I know....... * suppresses traumatic flashbacks*.... but then again, I did love writing... so even when I was stressed, depressed and one step away from lying low in Cyprus under the name Ingrid the Countess, I kept going ...*okaaaaay I am not as good as you when it comes to rhymes*
Moving on..................................................
Take care and take gentle rest too , Sir Knight! * sending you lavender scented midnight oil to burn while you study*
@azurePond @BastionKnight Oops, almost forgot... if you’d like, you can listen to these pieces. They were part of my study playlist.... classical music that makes you feel like Light Yagami writing in the De.ath Note while taking notes.
Try Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, Schubert’s Erlkönig (The elf king), Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker suite or March of the toy soldiers (maybe skip the cannonball one.... let’s keep it peaceful for now), Boccherini’s String Quintet and ofc ....Mozart.. anything by Mozart......and then when you finally complete a task......Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture... cannons and all.
Happy learning <3
@azurePond
*Adores the music list* The Erlkonig is one of my favourites, as is the poem by Goethe AND the modern reinterpretation by Rammstein (the song Dalai Lama), and I loved the D.3ath Notice reference. All your suggestions spoke very much to my sensibilities, so I thank you profusely *Bows with respect* Mozart's Moonlight Sonata is one of my favourites. I also like hearing the varied goth, metal, and trance interpretations of that piece of music. I guess I am just a sap for melancholy music or the rapturous joy of epic sounding tunes and magical notes *has Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy playing as I type*.
I am thinking the Cyp(press) and Countess Ingrid references are more than just part of your clever rhyme, but a reference I may be missing. Hmmm Cyprus....Countess......hmmm it isn't a Monte Cristo reference I don't think.....maybe Countess Ingrid Von Marburg from the tv series Salem? (not sure, as I have never personally seen it). I am intrigued.
I passed. I got the confirmation today. So your advice on taking the 17 minute pause before looking back on my notes must have helped a great deal indeed. So thank you. (And thank you for the lavender scented oil, it relaxed and soothed).
(DO NOT READ NEXT BIT IF FEELING FRAGILE. You can completely IGNORE IT. It is not important, and I will take no offence if you do not read it and never make mention of it ever)
Today was odd. After receiving the news about my course, I went on a walk. Was feeling very buoyant, and enjoying all the sites and smells of nature around me. I was so distracted that I nearly stepped on a little creature. It was a small bird that had been extensively mauled. I could see there was not really anything I could do for it, but I could not bring myself to help speed it's passing. So I just gathered some dry grass and detritus to form a little 'nest' around it and made a crude bivouac over it out of thorny twigs to shelter it further and prevent anything having a go at it if I had to leave. Then I just sat down against a nearby tree, far enough away not to stress it further and just talked at it softly (like a lunatic, right?). I was worried about something coming if I left and causing it more pain. It stopped moving eventually (it felt like forever, but I think it was probably not much more than an hour). I waited quite a while afterwards before checking on it again (I didn't want to disturb it if it was just resting and sleeping, but by then vitality had left it). Felt odd ever since. A bit like standing beside myself. Life can be very beautiful but it can also be very cruel.
(BACK TO NORMAL. SAFE AGAIN)
Bleh, BK stop being weird.
Anywho, I shall keep this brief so as not to overload you with too many long winded messages. I hope you are still progressing nicely and are moving from strength to strength. All my affectionate support to you my friend.
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight
Hellooooo Knight!!!
Im glad you found the music list palatable… who am I kidding??!! it’s all classics. Not that Im saying all classics are loved by everyone everywhere but… well... they’ve survived hundreds of years so they must have some merit right? eeh.
Also random observation... I guess you’re the sort of person who skips news about war affected areas because you feel the human suffering too deeply and then feels guilty about not watching.
.
.
.
Take care, Knight <3
@azurePond
Salutations and fondest greetings to you Lady Lillypad,
What an astute individual you are indeed. I am always greatly impressed by your insightful observations, not because I am surprised by you having them , (I am cognisant and appreciative of your intellect), but rather by how perceptive they are. Yes indeed I do enjoy goth and metal (amongst many other genres). If the music grabs my heart or the poetry of the lyrics mesmerises my imagination, then I will be hooked.
Aaah, thankyou for the clarity on the choice of Cyprus and the Countess...you could have used the opportunity to bluff and kept me guessing for hidden meanings that didn't exist. Perhaps you aught to embrace your inner fickle fae and indulge the subconscious prankster within. *Smiles* I.B. was a very interesting lady indeed, not only in her roles on film, but her life in general was pretty complex.
*Smiles* Many thanks for the congratulations. Your impromptu poem was EXACTLY the gift I would have sought, so I am thrilled and honoured.
It is heartening to hear you have been playing the good host to those who have now become friends. It starts Kantian and ends Aristotelian...from categorical imperative to eudaimonia...from please can we to we can please. I love the fact that none of the people who make it towards your inner circle ever reach there by a simple path...the travel vlogger is a perfect example....the grandson of your grandfather's colleague. I don't know why, but somehow it reminds me of the Regency Period...I am imagining letters of introduction, gilt inlaid calling cards, first meetings in the parlour, and cake. I hope you had a thoroughly nice time with all of them. I take it the vlogger piqued your interest the most or was it just that his was the connection and the rest were entourage? (Never dismiss the entourage though, you never know when you may have Viola/Cesario hidden amongst them).
Ah, I feel quite silly now about mentioning the bird. I was conflicted about whether to say anything about it or not, and feel foolish for doing so in the end. But thank you for your compassionate and understanding words. I think maybe, if the little thing's mental landscape had any place for anything except instinct, it was probably less "thank you two legs for being kind" and more "aaarrrrgh!!! AH C'mon!!! Seriously!? First the four legged thing with the teeth and claws does a number on me, I'm all chewed up, can't fly, and now THIS!?! GIANTS!!! C'mon!!!! Give me a darn break!!!"
(But thank you for saying sweet things)
Your comment on the news made me smile because of it's perspicacity; I try not to look away ever. Steel is not always as impervious as it appears. Sometimes it is very porous indeed. I feel everything.
HUZZZAAAAAHHH!!!!!!! Congratulations my friend, that is awesome news! I am so pleased for you! Your work thoroughly deserves publication, so it is extremely exciting to hear it will be in print! You do not need to be modest or humble, it is completely warranted to want to win the prize. You will keep me informed as to the result wont you? It brings vicarious pleasure to hear of your successes. Had you submitted anything to the magazine before, or was this the first time?
*Parades back and forth with an imaginary one-man-band singing "Hail the conquering Hero!! yadada dadeedaa dadeedaaaaaa!!!!"* I am so pleased for you and very proud of you too. *Bows with the utmost respect to you*
I am honoured more than I have the capacity to convey by your implication of being a bestie....now of course, if I made the wrong inference and that it had NOOOOOTHING to do with me, and was about someone else entirely then I shall chastise my ego for being far too manic for it's own good, and shall feel a little foolish, (and deservedly so). *Smiles* Regardless, I revel in your success my friend and cheer for you loudly.
In steadfast friendship, I wish you interesting and joyous times.
Your loyal friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight
And yes there was cake.
(thank you for saying sweet things) - always !!
@azurePond
Hail Lady Lilypad; author, ally, and all-round ace.
It still makes me smile how you deflect compliments and make sophisticated witty comments. What a delight it is having you in the universe. I think if you did not exist, someone would have to invent you, otherwise everything would just seem that little bit out of balance. I am so glad you are my friend.
And yes indeed, I am giving you full leave to bluff me at your leisure, ESPECIALLY now you have let me know to what lengths you will go to when in pursuit of an amusing prank. *Smiles*. I am completely confident that your tricks, no matter how devious and intricate they might be, would always have your kind heart as the ultimate checks-and-balance, so I can thoroughly enjoy being fooled. You have my complete trust.
It makes me feel all giddy when you ask if you can quote me. It does feel a bit like a Nuclear physicist asking a kindergartener if they wouldn't mind double-checking their equations for them...but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me want to fingerpaint big sunny smiles on all my pictures afterwards. *Grins*
Haaaaaang on a second...you ankle is not working? What happened? I think it is about high time that more nice things start coming your way, because it seems like you are having a disproportionate amount of less than pleasant occurrences in your life. Whomever is organising your Karma columns is clearly dropping the ball at the moment. Your fans will just not stand for it! I hope you are not in a lot of discomfort because of your ankle, and I feel disappointed on your behalf that you could not go on safari with K and the gang. But clearly you made a good impression if he has given you the open invite to go adventuring with him in the future.
*Smiles* It is amazing when we get little reminders about how small the world can be sometimes. So which house was K's team member's cousin in?...let me guess....Grip-on-door? Hush-all-shush? Rave-encore?....wait....was he from Stiffer-gin? Is a BME student a biomechanical engineering student? (Not trying to joke, I really am not sure). If so, that is really cool *Is imagining robotic prosthetic creations*.....wait a moment....mechanical ankle.....robot parts with human parts.....i've seen this movie!!! You are not getting any urges to track down people called John or Sarah Connor are you?
Awww, you really are so kind, trying to mollify my concern about coming across as foolish. I really appreciate how you take something which was personal to you, and was much more significant, and use it to not only make your point but also treat it as if your experience and mine were in the same league. That is such a kind (as well as clever and effective) technique.
Ah, never fear. Bastion is impervious to harm....though he has been pervious to ham before.
I itch to be able to read you in print. I know I could always ask you to share your stories, essays, and poems here, but I am a bit of a physical bibliophile. That being said, it is also really cool to think that when I am in the library, I might come across something and think to myself "Is that my friend AzurePond?" as I read. So in essence, that very mystery makes every single book of collected poems and/or short story anthology that extra bit exciting.
That by the way was entirely just letting you know my thoughts and feelings towards your writing which I very much admire. It is NOOOOOOTTTTTTT to be taken as wanting to know in what publication your work is in. I know you are far too sensible a lady to give out sensitive information about yourself to anyone online, so this is just my overprotective anxiety meter stating the obvious, because you are my friend. *Smiles*
*Feels honoured to be your bestie. And the word itself feels like a literary hug that leaves me grinning from ear to ear*
As to new things, I am still trying to see if I can get on a more advanced course. Alas, I cannot get funding for the one I wanted to do, so I am searching around to see if there is a similiar course available somewhere, or if i can get together some funds to pay for it myself. I am also job hunting for something in that field, anything just to get some hands-on experience. The course provider sent me a text to officially confirm my successful completion and said my certificate will be sent to me within the next three months. I think i can get a pdf document if necessary in the interim, but as i do not need it urgently, i am okay with the little bit of a wait. Now that I come to think on it, i had nearly the same length of wait when i finished uni and my actual graduation ceremony. But yes, all just plans at the moment.
Anyway, I have bored you enough with my stuff for now. I am off for a wander in the woods, and maybe take some photos. I hope your week is going well so far, and we shall speak again soon.
Yours faithfully,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight
Salutations Lady Lilypad,
Just letting you know you are thought of and that I miss your engaging correspondence. I hope you are having an excellent time, and that you have had a pleasant Halloween. I am getting into the spirit of things by being filled with what can only be described as an ectoplasmic sort of slime, and making sounds when I breathe that are reminiscent of ghastly ghouls groaning gratingly whilst wheezing whispered words woefully.
I hope we get a chance to talk again soon.
Fondest regards,
BastionKnight.
@azurePond
Hello my most excellent friend,
Just checking in to let you know you are thought about and very much missed. I hope that you have been getting along well, and that your days are filled with wonder and your nights are formed from dreams. Please do not feel any pressure to respond, especially if you are very busy or feeling overwhelmed. I only wish to show you are cared about and that the place just isn't the same without your presence.
Wishing you the best,
Your friend, BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Hello Knight,
@azurePond
Salutations and salutary splendiferous shouts of pleasure at your return Lady Lilypad.
I have missed you greatly, and am very glad to see you once again amongst us all. I did see your post about being in an accident and had presumed at the time that perhaps you would be catching up once you felt better. I must admit that as the time wore on I did worry for my friend, but I did not wish to bombard you with messages, especially if you were not in a great place. I thought that you would get back to me when you were ready, and hoped that if you needed anything you would reach out. Saying that, I did still feel pangs of concern even though I knew you were a fully fledged member of the superhuman society.
Please, please, please do not concern yourself for even a second about the length of time between our correspondences. I am not and will not be upset whenever you need to duck out or take extended sojourns from Cups, unpredictably or signposted, it is completely fine. I understand and respect it. Do not fret about perceived fairness or some ephemeral expectation of consistency, they are truly nothing you need worry about. You are my friend, and I accept and cherish you exactly as you are. Do we expect hurricanes to follow schedules, or insist that fairy-tales stick to strict rules?No?, then why should anyone try to place such limits on you? *Smiles*.
I repeat to make it abundantly clear, I am not upset. I am very relieved and very happy to hear from you.
I will not pry into the details of your accident or your current recovery. Not because I do not wish to know, but rather because I am confident you will tell me what you wish me to know, or will give me signs if you need such details coaxed out gently. And if you do not, my curiosity shall always bow humbly to my respect for your privacy. Just know that I am always willing to hear whatever you wish to share with me.
So to move that uncomfortable spotlight away from your feet for a moment and give you a second to breathe again, I shall turn to your questions;
I passed my course and have my certificate. I was a little gutted that there was not funding available in my area for the next stage, but I have not given up. I am still doing independent reading, and looking for opportunities.
I have not put up a tree, nor any decorations at all. The first time in years I have done nothing. First time ever I think, as I am fairly sure that even on those rare times I did not have a tree up for one reason or another, I still had other decorations. I guess Santa might pass me by this year. Have to be a better next year I suppose. Have you got a tree? Do you celebrate Christmas at all? Even if you don't, do you have a secret yen for tinsel and fairy-lights?
I will cut this short, for I am not sure how much verbiage is overloading for you at the moment. But I hope we will have greater discourse as soon as you feel up to it. Again, I have missed you a lot. It has not been the same without you around.
I remain your loyal friend and friendly supporter, supportive ally and allied correspondent, correspondingly devoted devotee,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Salutations, Sir Knight,
That made me tear up.
*deep breath * Anyhooooo
Idk how to end this message. You have set a really high bar.
So here’s wishing you a gentle Christmas and a brighter year ahead. May there be warmth where you need it, courage where it’s required, and enough light to carry you forward... and may next Christmas find us both in a better place.
Your friend
Azure Pond, the lady Lilypad
@azurePond
Fondest greetings Lady Lilypad,
I very much appreciate your considerate thoughts and explanations. Your largess of heart never ceases to impress. Fret not about normalising absences, for I promise I shall always understand. Your wellbeing and happiness is what matters, and to that end, anything that is part of achieving those states will always be heartily endorsed by me. I remain just as much your friend if we talk daily or if we greet each other after long sojourns into realms unknown.
As always your response made me smile, and your wit gives me the giggles. Yet I also hear undertones that make me feel sad for my friend; self depreciation that seems to be more than just humble humility, and references which gloss quickly over frailties and concerns. I will not push, as perhaps you are similar to me...sometimes what is wanted is what is also drawn back from with vehemence. Wanting something to be spotted but also trying to obfuscate it too. Maybe that is just me projecting how my internal world works, but even if there is a chance it is not, I would want you to know that you are seen, heard, and everything you say matters.
Thank you sooooooo much for all your brainstorming regarding my potential options. Don't worry about asking me anything, I am always pleased and humbled that you take am interest. Lots of what you said and suggested had already occured to me (but quite a bit more have me fresh ideas too), and that was also very affirming to know my thoughts are not just unrealistic aspirations. Hearing someone echo one's own thoughts makes it feel more possible and less flighty. So thank, thank, thank you...I feel very encouraged. As to the funding it was a combination of no funding being available from the organisations I had previously utilised/applied to, and not having sufficient personal resources to try and fund it myself just yet.
I am reluctant to go into elder care, not because I do not think it is valuable, but because I have had experience of geriatric support and found it very depressing and frustrating. Care homes especially (at least those I have encountered) are often badly run and finance driven by exceptionally greedy private individuals. It is quite soul destroying to see people being treated as a disposable commodity, offered no enrichment, and see those trying to care for them stretched to breaking point/falling into a jaded perspective. That is extremely cowardly and selfish on my part isn't it? I just know that knowing I have next to no power to make appreciable change would eat at me. Hmm, perhaps then that means I have even greater reason to try it, no? Not very chivalrous to turn from the dragon just because you know you can't defeat it...who knows, maybe I can find the inner resource to face it. Other than that, I am not writing off any possibility. Just as you suggested, my research goes on, and my solo studying continues unabated. Again, thank you for your advice, it is always welcome and I strongly respect your viewpoint and ideas.
I am just not content to let Santa pass you this year or any other. I can understand the exhaustion factor of trying to force cheer when you don't feel it. So maybe instead I can stealthily send you very very soft and quiet Xmas vibes....the sort that are like the glint of moonlight on frost, the muffled crunch of fresh snow underfoot, the silent twinkle of fairy lights reflected on tinsel, or the warm crackle of wood burning in a hearth. Background magic, unobtrusive, but that might hopefully sink into the pores and keep you huggly warm and smiling without knowing quite why. I am writing to Santa straight after this message to make it so. *Smiles*
May you have as peaceful a Christmas as you wish. Knowing you are on your own this Christmas, I shall be sending you messages but you are under absolutely no obligation to respond to any of them. They are just to give you something to read and I hope make you feel as if you have friends with you. So once again, just because you see them doesn't mean I expect or need a reply...they are for your comfort only my friend. Make this Christmas all about pampering yourself without needing to think about any other duty or obligation.
We shall talk again soon. Have a delightful Christmas.
Ever your friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Salutations Sir Knight,
Thank you for saying that. My long sojourns into unknown realms are one of the reasons I struggle to make new friends. The old ones understand, and the ones I meet in between these journeys know me as a wanderer... rather like a comet that comes and goes. Still... I’d like to build steady friendships here on 7 Cups and you are one of them <3
I just don’t think that’s your current story arc.
@azurePond
I shall reply in greater detail later, but first I just wanted to wish you a very merry Christmas. Hope you have a wonderful day *smiles*
@BastionKnight 
Wishing you a merry Christmas, Knight
@azurePond
Greetings Lady Lilypad,
I hope your Christmas was restful, restorative, and filled with festive fun. I am currently not at home and most foolishly forgot to take a power bank with me, and so am going managing to keep my device going on snippets of charge gleaned from cafe charge points with a cable that seems to be on a constant lazy day.
I spent yesterday going around museums/libraries. I could not believe how many people were out! I had assumed everyone would be indoors, resting off the previous days Christmas meals and generally relaxing, but it seems the world and it's aunty wanted to go a'wandering. I saw a lot of less than pleased children's faces which I presume was due to them being dragged away from toys, consoles, and computers to be forcibly made to 'find the fun' in culture and art. (They had my complete sympathy). I even had a guilty giggle when I saw a couple of adults (clearly bored out of their minds) trying to coral their gaggle of mewling younglings (equally bored and far more vocal about it) into looking at an exhibit that none of them had the slightest interest in and proceeding to try and turn tedium into a game. People watching is fun!!
There was of course lots of happy and very sweet interactions going on too.
Anywho, I still will respond to your earlier letter, but my charge is so low that I think I hear my device coughing and wheezing. Off to hunt for another charging point. Wheeeeeeee!!!!!
I hope your days are still feeling festive and your evenings comforting and soothing.
Ciao for now.
Your friend,
BastionKnight.
@azurePond
As promised, the much overdue reply.
Please do not be concerned about not replying to any message or missing some, I totally understand and never feel like I am being ignored...even if I ever am, maybe I am just too dim a bulb to realise it *smiles*.
I am truly honoured that I number amongst one of the friends you wish to remain steady here on cups, and it was so sweet of you to say so. It made me feel all upbeat and merry. You can always consider me your steadfast friend, no matter how many and how long any of your journeys back and forth from cups might be.
I really liked the idea about money being the last resource one needs to be concerned with, and that one can figure out a solution after all the more important things are taken care of. I have taken that idea to heart and will keep it prominent in my planning. I am sure it will dissuade me from becoming disheartened.
I do hope my efforts with Santa bore fruit for you. I tried to extract a promise from him that he would make your Xmas jolly and full of fun, but he is an enigmatic chap and just smiled. If he did not, well lets just say I shall be traipsing to the North pole to have some serious words. I know he has a busy schedule and I am sure organising all those elves takes some doing, but that does not excuse dropping the ball.
I do hope you forgive that I was not able to message every day over Christmas. That had been my plan, but tech and lack of power points to charge scuppered my intentions. I hope you still had a good time, and am eager to know how you spent your holidays.
I received a bamboo mouth harp and a tuning fork and have been amusing myself with them. I have been invited to a party this evening, but I am not feeling up to the social scene so might just hide away in my cave and watch fireworks from my window.
*** we stand on the cusp of the turning of the year, I hope you have a great start into 2026, and wish you a happy new year.
From your half in the past, half in the future friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight Happy New Year Knight<3
I know this is not much of a reply but.... I have been writing the past few days. So I seriously cannot think any words. You replies made me happy...
ts ok... Tech are unpredictable...
It is kind of disorienting but I dont think I know english words anymore 🤣 If you want to see what I have been writing I may post it on 7 cups but I dont think I will be able to finish the whole story. Maybe end it on a cliffhanger and just fool everybody (including myself). It is not Adhd... but more like a faulty coping mechanism.. sometimes I get this energy and hyperfocus on something maybe writing or learning something new or travel..and tune out everything else.
@azurePond
Hello my friend,
Sorry, yes yes yes i do indeed want to read what you have written. Had a weird few days; fell down a flight of stairs, slipped on ice onto concrete during a night wander, and been in a car accident (all separate events...crash test dummying myself it seems...but if somethings worth doing, it's worth doing well, or at least thoroughly *smiles*). Bit sore at the moment, but that will not prevent me enjoying your writings. so yes please, do indeed post them.
Forgive this being a briefer than usual missive. I hope it finds you in good health and fine spirits, and I look forward to conversing with you more thoroughly soon.
Your friend,
Bastion"bouncier-than-bubblegum-and-twice-as-chewy"knight.
@BastionKnight Aaaaahhhhh oooh Noooo.. how are u? are u ok? did you get a check up? Sir Knight !!!
@BastionKnight My holidays were pretty terrible and I ended up hitting a breaking point. I pulled a total Dora the Explorer move and disappeared on a trip without telling anyone. I’m back now, and I wanted to say I’m truly sorry, Knight. No excuses, just a sincere apology for the silence.
@azurePond
Salutations Lady Lillypad,
I am very sorry to hear that things were not going so well for you. I wish you had reached out, but i completely understand the drive to recluse and try to get things done on ones own. Sometime though I suppose that the deep dive can seem like the only path, and if anyone is most capable of traversing deepest darkest jungles (be they infinite green, concrete, or of the mind) then I would put my bet on it being the intrepid Lady Lillypad, the Azure explorer. (And what did we ay about apologies? Non are ever necessary when it comes to you needing time away. I will always understand). I am just glad that you have returned from your journey safe and sound.
I have a million questions, but from your tone I would guess that isn't what you need right now. I offer you heartfelt congratulations on your new job, and would just like to remind you that what you are doing now is merely a snapshot of your life and not the entire landscape. In that regard, it could be argued that there is no surrender or giving up, but rather a tactical move on your part...a placeholder whilst you regroup and consolidate. I like to picture General Azure Pond ordering a tactical withdrawal of her forces, knowing that only the foolish outsider will perceive it a a retreat or route...for they cannot perceive the mastery of her plan. Yet in the fullness of time they will discover the error of their assumption and her genius will be undeniable once long laid plans come to fruition.
You are the unique and amazing. Whatever you end up doing, those basic facts will not change. And if you ever need to vent because your road to world supremacy is taking a smidge longer than you hoped, your friend is always ready to lend an ear.
I wish your family a fantastic (and hopefully minimally stressful) wedding. Just please try not to let other peoples stuff become all your stuff. Be kind, be yourself, and try not to let other people nudge you in direction you do not want to go in.
Thank you for letting me know you will not be around as much. I will of course miss you, (as I have missed you, very much), but I have that happy warm feeling inside knowing that you are forging your way in the big wide world. Plus, it means that when/if you pop up from time to time, we shall have even more stories to exchange, and that is definitely something to look forward to.
I bid you adieu for now, and look forward to any opportunity we may get to converse in the future. I remain your loyal friend,
BastionKnight.
@BastionKnight I will reply to you in detail..But you had mentioned an accident/ injury... are you ok? you didnt reply to that. If its sthg that you dnt want to talk about then its ok. I missed your long format letters nd I missed writing letters too. And I will be writing back to you soon.
Take care Sir Knight <3
@azurePond
Dear Lady Lillypad,
It was such a delight to hear from you again. I do hope you have found the job you took to your satisfaction? When last you spoke about it, it seemed very clear that you were not thrilled by the prospect, but I would like to think you have managed to mould the role into something you can be content with. How does your life look at the moment? Please do say that the artist in you is still holding the reigns, and that 'corporate' life is just your alter ego...the cover for your secret identity as a costumed, crime fighting, cad-cancelling, chastiser of the cruel and corrupt.
How fairs your mind scale? Does its gardens and wildernesses still flourish, and the rivers of your creativity still feed life into them? I can appreciate that taking on responsibilities one feels nudged into rather than choosing can stifle more than just our sense of freedom. So I am eager to know how things are working out for you.
As to your questions, I am ticketyboo as always. Invulnerable, and most likely immortal (I have no evidence to the contrary to the second part, so I am going to assume it's true unless proved otherwise *smiles*), thus all is always well.
I have been living in interesting times. The upside of which is that, amongst other things, I can now make two more dishes from pheasant, and am cautiously au fait with frog legs and swamp eels. Yet I am still no better at contact juggling, and my efforts to create a time machine were thwarted when I was informed that they already had been invented! (They are called clocks apparently.....someone tried to convince me they are also called watches...but I wasn't fooled...I KNOW that is just the non scientific name for binoculars!).
Anyway, I am looking forward to your next letter and any news you wish to furnish me with. You have been greatly missed, so it is with extreme pleasure that I reiterate that I hope you are doing well and are happy.
I remain your loyal friend,
Bastion knight.
