Space to talk

Also wanted to say i love your pfp! My bestie is so pretty💗I can't really see, but it's a christmas tree in the background? But it looks pretty anyways

How are you doing? Do you have any plans to celebrate the new year? I'm probably gonna do nothing and just go on with my day but I'm sure it's gonna be so loud in the evening as everyone in my apartment block will celebrate. 

I can't sleep rn because i'm feeling so sad. Have you ever felt some sort of heavy weight on your chest and it gets hard to breath when you're really sad? I'm experiencing it rn and it's so hard! It hurts a lot. I don't even know what to do with this hurt!!! I have so many thoughts going through my head and i am so scared for my future.. I just want to find a way to express this pain because my soul wants to scream rn. I would like to scream actually to let it out but can't, i live in an apartment and i don't wanna scare my neighbors yk. I tried painting but it doesn't do much. It feels like my soul is bleeding and it also feels like i'm going to throw up. I just wanna feel ok. I wanna feel loved, appreciated and cared for. I am struggling to keep up rn. The worst part is that i am literally on my own. I can't rely on my parents, the only friends i have are online and it's not enough, and i used to rely on my uncle a lot and thought i could trust him but he let me down so bad it left me feeling even worse afterwards.

I was trying desperately to fill the hole i was feeling and was in search of a parental figure in my life and started to talk to my uncle and things were going pretty nice. He was very attentive to what i was saying and i felt heard and understood and NORMAL for the first time in my life. But then he got super busy and when i was trying to call him he would never pick up and when he did he was different and not interested in talking to me at all. It hurts too much because i trusted him and liked him a lot. He became a sort of Dad that i never had and i was liking a lot our conversations and him in general. I feel just betrayed. I tried to call him again yesterday and he picked up. We talked a bit but still something was different. It felt like he didn't really want to talk to me and was just doing so to be polite. His answers were really short and he wasn't his usual talkative self. He ended the call by telling me that i can always count on him and he wants to help me but i don't believe it. He wasn't there for me at all these past few months and i felt really abandoned. He didn't call me or text me! Nothing! And i was going through so much! And nothing!!!!!!! But he used to be so nice and check up on me!! What happened?! It makes me so so so upset! Even now writing this i feel indignation. He used to be there for me and he can't just leave me like this now! It's unfair and i trusted him! He was like my parent and the dad that i never had! Screw this. I'm really upset about it and needed to talk. Because it has been a huge weight for me lately. I also have so many other things i wanna vent about! I feel like i might explode if i don't talk it out!!

But i'm glad i'm taking this step of talking it through sharing all the details. I used to be kinda reluctant to do so and now here i am, end of 2023, confidently sharing my story and trying to make sense out of this mess. 

That's i think the worst part. The adults that should have protected me, that should have been here for me, showed me attention care and love(because every single human being and even living being deserves it and that's basic rights after all!!!) weren;t there at all and basically left me to fend for myself!!

I feel rn like i am all alone in the forest trying to make my way through it and have only, i don't know a spoon? to defend myself. I have no resources! Only me, me , me and me! And 7 cups. And you my best friend💗

But this painful feeling is not going away and my heart hurts so much. I wish i could hug my past self because i went through way too much. I didn't deserve it and no one does. I want justice. I want some sort of refund for my lost childhood and the loss of my identity and the loss of the joyful and happy me. It hurts so so so much.

And it actually has been hurting for 3 years now but i used to do everything i could to distract myself but now i am tired of it and wan to face my emotions. Turns out it doesn't feel nice at all. It feels like someone is cutting me with a knife. How come thoughts and memories hurt more than a punch😭(and i did receive some pretty heavy punches from both of my parents, especially my dad)

I know that some people struggle so so much and that their childhoods have been horrific. I had food on the table, education, a house to live in, my own room but still i am suffering now. So all this stuff is not enough. I saw a psychologist but it was some time ago now, and he basically told me i was ungrateful and whiny because some people are out here leaving on the streets. WTH. Like seriously, and i payed to him for telling me this? It made me feel even worse and i cried for an hour after my session.

Gosh, the more i write the more some awful memories come up. I thought i forgot about them for good. Well, i guess it's a sign i need to process them. I wanna journal more to really get it all out. I have way too much on my heart and i need to ease the burden even if a little bit.

But it's so hard to find a person who will genuinely listen yk. Most people are not even attentive and don't really wanna listen to the other person. I don't know why but he hurts me to know that soe people won't ever know how actually damaged i am inside. Like my soul is literally bleeding. And no one sees it. Only you know actually because i never told it to anyone. I just wanna cry. I need a hug so bad. I just wanna get in my bed and curl up and cry. And hug my teddy bear. Yes, i just bought a teddy bear so i can cuddle up with him and so far i like it. It's not the same as a real human but still so nice.

But he doesn't really have a name actually. It's literally soon 1 am here i better go and sleep. And hug my teddy bear. I will hug him until i feel better and the pain lessens a bit.

I just wish people noticed more how bad i feel . I'm not even trying to hide it because why wasting the effort for? I am allowed to feel the way i feel and i don't wanna hide these emotions because they are valid and important. Like you can literally see the sadness and despair in my eyes and still nobody comes up to me and comforts me. But i have to be there for myself if nobody will right?

I also wanted to talk about something.  you know i have a lot of trust issues and i am scared people will leave me. So every time we talk i am scared it might be the last one because then you will leave me. I also think you probably hate me but now that i think of it it's SO irrational. The thing is , i don't see myself as a person worthy to spend time with so it puzzles me who someone would like to talk to me yk. Bro, how traumatized i have to be to think this way😭 So yeah, just wanted to get this off my chest. Also i got so anxious when you took some time to respond because well trust and abandonment issues but i really wanna work on that and hopefully these bad thoughts will be only a matter of the past💗

Alright, i am exhausted now. I am going to sleep.

And tomorrow will be an amazing day for both of us💗

Sending you positive vibes bestieee💗💗💗

@schrodingerscattt I hope you are doing well and had a wonderful holiday. 

Thank you so much! I love you❤️❤️❤️

@schrodingerscattt I did some painting today, but not alot else it's really stormy weather here😞 but all the other residents should be home by the end of this week, hopefully. Happy New year sweetie ❤gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ I've just woke up, I'm gonna go get coffee. I hope today is kinder to you ❤❤ remember I'm always here for you ❤ I love you ❤

I'm so tired rn. I've been studying a lot and phew i feel the knowledge in my brain😂 my brain is literally heavy😭 So if you have any questions about anything, ask me aka the new wikipedia, just kidding😂 No but seriously i am so tired. I am a bit worried because these exams coming up seem damn hard. But i got it right. I can do this. My health is still a priority tho and i won't force myself to have perfect marks. Just passing is great. The thing is with all my studies i don't have much time left. But well, i have to study. I also am a bit of a perfectionist you know so it adds unnecessary pressure. I'm already good enough and i can do this! 

Hey. I'm not feeling good now. So many things going on.. Ugh. I don't feel like talking at all. But thank you so much for your support girlie. You're the best. I'm gonna do some self care today and just read a book i like. Hope it will help me to feel more relaxed after. My flashbacks are coming back again and my sleeping meds are not even helping! They used to but yesterday i was for 3 hours in my bed and nothing! I wasn't even sleepy. Just scared. I don't know what do you do when you have scary flashbacks but i just shake my head really hard to kinda make them go away and i sometimes do this when i'm outside. I don't want people to think i'm weird but well, never mind. I also got a dream about my hometown today. It made me so nostalgic. I miss it so bad and my only decent childhood memories are from there. I felt loved there. I feel like a fish out of water in this country. So i hope when i finish my exams i will be able to get out! That will be the happiest day of my life!

And by the way, i got the clothes i ordered online. They were supposed to come much earlier but i'm still very happy because it looks exactly how i wanted and the size is perfect. I'm gonna show you a pic this evening, if i don't forget.

I really hope you're doing ok. I know how things can be hard and i just really wanna know how you're doing. If there's anything i can do just tell me. I wanna be a good bestie. I wanna listen and support you. So if you wanna share anything that is bothering you, or some new artworks that you did or anything else feel free to share! I also wanted to say that i am really so impressed by the drawing you showed me! It's so pretty!!! How do you do this?! My bestie is an amazing artist on top of being an amazing human being😁💗 I am so impressed! Are you drawing it from your imagination or do you have any reference?And do you draw anything else like landscapes or animals? I loved drawing people but due to trauma and all the flashbacks stopped. I hate seating with my own emotions for too long and overall trauma made me so restless so i don't have the patience for drawing now. I haven't started my vision board yet but i can share some great pictures i found if you want to😁