Aspects of BPD #1 - Fear of Abandonment
I'm starting a series of threads, which will focus on each of the DSM criteria individually for Borderline Personality Disorder. Every week I'll create the next thread for the next set of symptoms. We all experience these symptoms somewhat differently, so it will be interesting to know what it looks like for you. How do you experience it? What effect does it have on your life, and what's the most difficult to deal with?
This week's topic is:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Seems like a great topic! *bump*
Well, I still struggle with this fear of abandonment, but not to the extent that I used to. Now I'm able to get to wise mind when I feel abandoned. But back when I was first starting DBT and I didn't know how to access wise mind I acted out of emotion mind.
One time my fiance at the time and I was arguing all day, and that day he said he wasn't going to come home that night. He was going to stay at his boss' house because he was dog sitting. I saw this as abandonment. Freaked out and took a bunch of pills because I thought that if I hurt myself bad enough he'd have to come home to make sure I was okay. It ended up ruining my relationship with him and we broke up a week later.
Not something I'm proud of and I haven't done anything like that sense, but it used to be pretty bad.
@InvaderStitch
It's nice to hear that you're able to get to Wise Mind during those moments. I still find this incredibly difficult. Small steps, right?
No wonder you saw it as abandonment. It's often difficult for those of us with BPD to understand that just because of an argument, and the person leaving (even if only for a little while and knowing they'll be back), doesn't mean that they're actually abandoning us. In that moment, it's our reality. Thanks for sharing that.
Ooh, that's the kicker isn't it? You start off with the big one. At least for me. Two nights ago my hubby left to sleep in our camper. He said he wasn't coming back until I got my s?$t together. He's been married to me for 27 years. He should know by now, that I will never have it together. But him leaving me alone during one of my episodes feels like total abandonment. I feel like when I am at my lowest point, he leaves. When I need him the most, he's not there. Then my mind goes to all sorts of negative places. I wonder who he's with? Is he leaving me for good?
@TraceyJ
I hear you. It's not just a case of us getting our s?$t together... If we could, we would, right? I can completely understand why you took his actions as an abandonment. I would feel the same way. I'm sorry that he's not there when you really need him. You've been married for 27 years... That's a long time. So I think it's safe to say that he loves you regardless, even though his actions aren't what you really need.
@RayneStorm
I struggle with this more than nearly anything. I don't know if this is true of others but I notice that other people develop trust and comfort as they become close to people and as time goes by. For me, the closer I get and the longer I've been in any sort of relationship, the more anxious I get. Because the person by then matters so much to me, so their absence would be devastating .