BPD, gender/identity crises, and the existential dread that follows suit (a vent)

(I apologize in advance for the ramble, i just needed to get things off my chest also trigger warning just in case.)

What is worse than having bpd, a disorder where utter insanity and instability reigns supreme? If you guessed being born a woman then you are unfortunately correct. Sometimes I’m afraid i won’t be able to handle what has truly been a cruel destiny, i’m afraid that i won’t be able to grapple against this derailment into utter insanity much longer for unfortunate is she that bears the burden of womanhood, the burden of being born “female”. It’s sickening, i hate it and with every day that passes i find myself able to breathe less and less within this suffocating reality of mine. Sometimes i can’t help but wish i was born a man instead. I yearn for liberation from this existential pain. I crave freedom from the unalloyed hatred and violence exerted upon me and my fellow women for merely existing. This uterus, it’s a curse. it’s a filthy, rotten, abhorrent curse that i carry within my body with these disgustingly useless breasts that hang of my chest to add onto my perpetual despair. I loathe them, i loathe it all with every fiber of my being. i despise how the world perceives me because of them, to perceived as a mere brood b*tch, a ho, s*xual currency, a second class life form, an object to exploit and conquer, i despise being labeled and see as anything but what i am, human. Humanity stands atop my chest, constricting my very breath with each step taken to insure that the flames of my *** rise further in temperature to burn me alive. I want to rip it out, i desire to tear the flesh and tear out this revolting organ i call my uterus, i yearn to tear it out, to rip it into shreds, stomp on it, burn it, char it until nothing is left, until nothing to remind of its vile existence is left. *** it and everything it ever stood for, it can kiss my derrière and rot in the utter depths of h*ll. the curse of reproduction and womanhood are the bane of my existence, an agonizing detriment to my reality, to my identity and i absolutely hate it, I detest bearing this grotesque organ that strips me of my humanity in the eyes of mankind, i am anything but human to them all my sole worth derives from what my body can offer rather than what i am in truth, a human, a living being just. Like. Them. I refuse to bend to the whims of the misogynistic swine that crowd this earth and the ignorant doormats that lick their boots.

“You only become a true woman in motherhood.”

Shut the *** up.

“Your only purpose is to provide for your husband.”, “men won’t like you if  you dress like that.”, “men this”, “men that.”

Oh, for the love of god, shut the h*ll up because i could give less of a sh*t.

“You are so mature for your age”, “how old are you?” “Why don’t you come with me?” “You such are a pretty little thing”, “want a drink?”

Shut the *** up, Shut the *** up, shut the *** up because i would rather aggressively *** my ear canals with a bread knife than to hear another come out of their filthy mouths.

Femoid”, “holes” “wh*re”, “sl*t”, “Females only exist to serve men”, “women are nothing without a man.” “Women are to honor their husbands”

SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT THE *** UP, SHUT  THE *** UP.

SHUT.

THE.

***.

UP.

No matter where i go whether it’s in the real world, the internet, or down into the depths of oblivion it’s all the same. We are nothing. I am anything but human. Just a tool for s*xual gratification and an incubator for up-keeping population in the eyes of man. Pregnancy, an evidently miserable experience where innocent parasites are what is expected for expect me and every other women to bear, innocent life forms that are biologically engineered to leech off us and for the cherry on top of it all even when just a clump of cells they hold more worth than me and every woman already living can only dream of having yet they are innocent and don’t deserve harm, i don’t wish them harm, i only wish them love from those who do care but in the end regardless of how callous it sounds i don’t give a sh*t about them. I refuse to have one and i will not hesitate to take my own life if this *** *** country i was born in and it’s utterly corrupt government decides to attempt total subjugation on us women, again. the world is dust and so am i, i came from nothing and to nothing i will gladly return to if needed because if i have learned anything in my short time treading this bleak *** fest of an earth is that happiness and freedom was never an option for anyone who is not the privileged white man, this world was never made with us women and everyone else that belongs in a marginalized group. I am already suffering enough with the disgusting disease that is bpd and with my identity. The last thing I needed was this biological curse but alas, this most likely won’t be last of what i will have to endure. Born and raised by an off white pill i have come to notice that i tend to no longer feel nor fear the more i fall into this abysmal hole where nothing is true and nothing real. I resent my birth and will continue to rue it till my final breath.