Being a Toxic Person
I feel like whenever I like someone, there's a high chance of me giving into old toxic habits and becoming a dependent, clingy, abusive person. The fear of losing them becomes overwhelming which makes me act in controlling ways although I know I shouldn't.
What are ways to work on avoiding guilt tripping people and being aware of when I am guilt tripping someone?
How can I remind myself to be less entitled and needy?
How can I try to get more validation from myself?
Is there anything else in general that you feel would be helpful to know?
Hello cipcake, You made an interesting post with some thought procoking questions. i think we all go through some situations like you mentioned. I had 2 mariages that I realized later were toxic - going back to the overbearing and abusive upbringing from my mother. Both of them were a lot like she was. I didn't learn to be my own self for a long time. Now, what I find most helpful is to seek out people that have different interests than me and that gives me new perspectives on life. I still have some "needy" friends, but I limit my time with them. It makes me feel more alive when I spend time with people who know about things that I don't and likewise, I share my knowledge and interests with them. I am just now trying gardening herbs , which I never did before and I want to take a women's self defense class -also brand new to me. I think this helps me avoid lapsing into a mutually dependent pity party with old " friends " that never ends.
I know others will have some other helffulideas for you too. The most important step was that ou realize the unhealthy pattern and you want to change. Good for you!
sorry for the typos, i mispelled Cupcake, and the first line should have said "provoking". Typing too fast.
@MusicCandy Thank you for your input. It sounds helpful to spend time with people who can teach you about new things.
The problem with me is that I AM the needy, toxic, unloveable friend and I want to change even though I feel so terrified of people spending time with better friends that I relapse into unhealthy habits. I don't want to be the toxic friend but that's what I act like.
Self realization helps though.
@PoisonCupcakes
Dear one, you are calling yourself out with labels - YOU are not toxic and needy - you may have behaviors like that sometimes and now you want to change those actions. The reason I say seek out people who are involved in different things is that you won't feel inferior or needy around them when you are genuinely yourself and say ' I'd like to try that , can you help me ?" Everone is good at something, and you are too. Sharing your lifeskills will help you feel proud and others will reach out more too. Give yourself credit and know you arent alone. We all feel inadequate at times. We are here to help each other.
@MusicCandy Thank you for your advice. That makes sense.
The problem is that the root of my issue lies in continuing to be toxic and manipulative with any new person I'd meet. Regardless of who they are, if I like someone enough all I want from them is attention and validation. I guilt trip them because I want more of it and it goes on endlessly into a toxic cycle because I'm scared they'll leave me.
It doesn't matter what skills I'm good at or what unrelated things I'd be proud of.
The point is that at the end of the day my priority would be getting validation from someone else and then being overly dependent on them and then being manipulative because I want them to stay. I know I need to refocus on myself and I know I need to love myself but...
I need to analyze what behavior is categorized as manipulative and how to hold off from being constantly tempted to do it...
What guilt tripping sounds like and how to stop doing it.
What makes someone actually be toxic, what toxic traits actually are...
@PoisonCupcakes
Well, it sounds like you have identified precisely what you want to change about some behaviors, and maybe looking for a root cause would be helpful. Like i mentioned, i was raised not knowing how to be myself and not feel inferior for a long time. Once I found my true self, I wasn't afraid to reach out knowing that at the end of the day- I am OK; and I did my part to be a friend and not a cling-on. Feeling pride in your accomplishments and skills is just one way to be secure in your own skin, and that makes you happy and fun to be with. If you want to look deeper into manipulative types of actions, perhaps a listener ,or therapist can help. I imagine there are some good books and self help free materials online, but i haven't looked myself. I know you are on the right seeking path, and I have confidence that you can be a shining star in this world.
@MusicCandy
FYI - I just googled the topic "guilt tripping" and first pop up is a great article in 'Psychology Today" . Maybe articles like that will get you started.
@MusicCandy Mhm, thank you for understanding my perspective. Working on feelings of inferiority and raising self confidence is definitely important. I'm glad you're doing that and helping yourself get better, be surrounded by more supportive people!
Yes, I'm looking into as many resources as I can. Thank you for the article recommendation as that's one I just started reading! :)
I just posted this in case anyone here has any additional comments/advice/etc on how to be less egotistical and toxic.
If there's any behaviors that come off that way from friends that turn you off, I'd be curious to hear! Also, if you want to go into what you'd rather they behave like instead I'd appreciate that but I appreciate your help so far regardless.