Co-Dependence

Hi there,

I relate to this so much. My fear of being abandoned and my fear of being alone has kept me in relationships I've known are not healthy for me and has allowed me to settle for less than I deserve.

Honestly, as someone who has this fear and need to be in a relationship, and who is currently going through a relationship breakdown whilst being diagnosed for BPD, I've started to try and teach myself to take everything in baby steps, rather than thinking, "I need to be independent NOW." If that means getting through the day, minute by minute, then so be it.

In my recent struggles, I've started to think that maybe the best way to face my fear of being alone is to force myself to be alone. Not to socially isolate myself, but to do things that I normally couldn't bear the idea of doing. After all, don't they say that the best way to overcome your fear is to face it?

I moved to a new city with my partner earlier this year where I don't know anyone and now that it looks like my relationship is over, my instinct is to drop everything and to return home where all is familiar but where I was never truly happy. But I thought to myself, what if I stay? What if I stay and I PROVE that I CAN do these things by myself? I CAN be alone. What better way to take away the power from your need to be in a relationship than to show yourself that it is possible for you to do things by yourself and to be happy doing it?

Maybe instead of downloading that dating app, you could pick up a book or listen to a podcast that's going to help you repair that relationship with yourself. Maybe instead of staying at home and drowning in your loneliness, go out to the cinemas and enjoy watching a movie by yourself. Or maybe you already do these things but nothing is helping. Then try something that's completely out of your comfort zone. Anything that scares you but will ultimately help you see that you can be strong and independent.

I also started writing letters to myself in my moments of strength so that I can read it when I'm not feeling so strong and when I want to quit and give up on everything. I try to be my own voice of reason. It's easy to continue to be sad on our own, it's the life that we know and have become accustomed to. But we have to do things differently if we want to see change and change for the better is never easy.

I know it's all easier said than done and we're all human. So I think the most important thing at the end of the day is to be kind to yourself and to remember you're doing the best you can. Forgive yourself for giving into temptations and sliding back into old ways. You're not going to get to a place where you want to be overnight, but you also don't get there if you don't take a step forward.

I hope this helped in some way.

All the best.