Distress

Okay, I need to establish some things first :

1. I am borderline Personality Disorder

2. I am Married for 20 years and have 2 Children.

3. My husband and I was practicing polyamory.

4. I had a boyfriend I was with 3 years and he is Indian.

Things were great until May. My boyfriend enhanced me and my families life alot. We were struggling.

In May my boyfriend said he was depressed and flew out of no where to India to be with family. He came back. He had depression and weird anxieties even tho he was usually logical. 3 times he was supposed to fly to come see me ( he lives in states and was long distance and planned on moving to me) he said he needed space. He would say he loved me and needed me. Last time he didn't fly. He had a complete breakdown. Traveling from family member to family member in US. He isn't the same. This did bad for my BPD. We started to take slow and talk daily. He said he loved me needed me would be with me forever. This Friday he didn't fly again even tho day b4 he said he would. He said he watched the Jeffery dalmwr thing on Netflix and thinks Dahmer wouldn't have killed people if parents stayed together. He said he got morality and don't want to hurt my family or kids. He has been very avoidant when he has to talk about hard things since May. Before he wasn't like that. He was full of life and postive. He is convinced what we were doing is wrong now and says he can't do it even tho day b4 he said he be with me forever. I have BPD. All my happiness depended on him. Now I feel abandoned. After 3 years I couldn't even get a real conversation for him. I feel he is having anxieties again he didn't b4. I feel lost. I need to figure out how to function. I need to figure out if I will be happy again. I have episode after episode that is so painful my family wants to commit me at times. I want to be happy and know how to move forward. But my brain obssess on him. I don't know what to do