Feeling Unsure

I don't know if I would follow any advice given to me or what I'm really looking for because I feel pretty hopeless lately. I have both borderline personality disorder and bipolar 2 which makes me have such a cynical attitude towards friendship in general. I understand how to have a likeable personality while being honest and because of this constructed self, many of the people in my life like me and see me as impressive and stable but I still feel incredibly empty and lonely.

I compulsively check on my exes every single day and my number one priories are romantic relationships. The thought of being with anyone new makes me want to throw up because I hate change and I've never been able to move on. I am happy with what I've already gotten to experience even though every other man I half heartedly flirt with thinks he's different and can somehow fix anything which you can't because I'm stubborn. I feel so selfish even talking to any friends because the main topics I always obsess over are my exes. I'm tired of myself, I want to be happy alone but no amount of self love or confidence compensates for the large amount of loneliness I feel.

I've started painting more often and I've written in journals for years now. It helps but nothing satisfies me as much as the excitement high I get from one of my exes talking to me, it feels euphoric and nothing else in my life has come close like getting to be close to either of them.

That said, my friends are great and I can think of lots of great things in my life even though I don't feel as hormonally bound to them. I just feel like no matter what, I feel empty and I can't expect anyone to fulfill that sense of loneliness even though I'm tired of myself and it's difficult to live with. I know I'll be able to be successful and have my life together but I just hope I'll get to be in a relationship once I'm good enough for one.

I can't date casually. I hate lots of superficial things. I don't want to pretend to be happy when I'm not. I don't want to pretend to move on when I cry every single day about how lonely I am.

The worst part is even imagining myself with a relationship with anyone makes me feel sorry for whoever would love me. Sure, I'd priotize them over everything but I'm such a difficult person because I'm incredibly stubborn and I feel too needy for attention. I'd need to be with someone who enjoys being sad and crying as much as I do. I would feel terrible for anyone loving me because people expect to make me happy but no matter what, no matter how greatful I am, there's still the overarching sense of loneliness that never ends...

I feel honest being alone since I give in to it but it still aches and I reach out to people who have better things to do because it hurts to be alone. I really miss one of my exes particularly but she already knows all of my feelings and is focused on her career instead. I'm proud of her for doing that but it still hurts that I feel unimportant to her. No, I'm not going to talk to her about this because everything's already been talked about.

I'm just happy people I'm capable of having feelings for exist even though I'm a depressing, closed, lonely person. I cry about it and I find some peace in that because it's honest crying even though I repeatedly neurotically check up on people and I feel terrible for it.

I don't know how to enjoy living for myself unless I pretend there's characters in my head and imagine having relationships with them. Sometimes I talk to my exes in my head, sometimes an imaghinsry boyfriend. I don't know what to do with all these pathetic urges.

I just hope in a few years I can get to be in a long lasting, permanent relationship with someone I can actually care about as much as I do my exes. I don't fall in love often at all and I only do it after sex which just leads to heartbreak multiple times even if they do want me back.

I need more than a lot of people in order to actually be in love. And the only way I know how to love is to let myself be completely doomed by it. I feel hopeless.