Feeling better and then getting worse again - losing hope

I was getting better. And that's what upsets me, that I was getting better, making so many progresses and slowly then suddenly - it's gone. I feel I've gone so many steps behind. Probably it's not meant for me to be "happy" or "emotionally stable".

In January my therapist was so happy, I had a terrible Holiday season and when we had our first session after New Year's, she said honestly how proud she was of me, over how I handled things well despite what had happened with family and triggers and everything else. I was proud of myself, also. That gave me motivation to start studying more, and have more goals and believe in myself. Had some bad days, but not terribly bad. I would say my emotions were almost on a 'normal person' level, so they weren't intense, I was able to say "okay, I'm sad over what happened now, so I'm going to take a break and do something nice" or "I am angry because of this and that, so being alone for some minutes and deep breaths, will help"

And then, a triggering time of the year for me came. I was handling it well. I mean, I went to one session in therapy and said "I'm a bit surprised at how I'm managing all triggers so well, no urges to self-harm, no crying sessions, no nightmares. I'm okay, considering all" and left happy. Honestly, looking back, it's probably my own fault.

Because maybe two or so weeks after that, I had my first intense mood swing in many many months. I think I even wrote a post here about it, but moving on - once I "felt better" from it (next morning, after a night of switching back and forth, and ending with numbness) I just thought "I'm good, that happened but won't happen again". But did, some days after. And my rage came back, I slowly lost control of it. I mean, I had fought so hard to manage my anger, and now 100 steps back. And last but not least, breakdowns every couple days. This month has been every 2 or 3 days, usually middle afternoon or night, if not more.

Last night I was in my room, having an ugly cry and I could hear my parents laughing in the living room, to some comedy movie. And after I cried, I starred at my wall just thinking "not again, not this again, this is exhausting, I want an end" and turned off my light and went to sleep, aka tried.

I'm trying to tell this to my therapist, I am. But seems like my mind isn't allowing me to 'remember' it or even mention it. If I say how struggling I am, will she assume I'm a danger to myself (which I'm not) and make me inpatient? Because if I even notice she does it, that's it - all my trust in her is lost. If she even picks up the phone mentioned "inpatient treatment", I'm out that door as fast as speed of light. Even if I have to kick some nurses out of the way. And I'm not a violent person, I avoid conflict - well, unless I explode of rage, but that's because I avoid conflict so much, that it builds up to an extreme.

When a therapy session begins, she starts of saying "How are you feeling today" and I just sit in silence. That's such a hard question, considering days before therapy I'm usually 'emotionally balanced' but anxious, so I rely on my mood tracker apps to know how I was feeling those days. So usually I say "so and so". The first 5 minutes of every session is my therapist making me comfortable enough to share and once I do - I don't shut up. So embarassing.

I just guess I'm afraid to admit my progess is gone, or that I am back at where I was.. I don't know.. A year/year and half ago? A year ago is when things slowly got better, before that things were difficult for some times. So yeah, year and half progress - gone, I guess. Oh well