Hell (TW)
� �Hi everyone! I read your guys stories and it really made me feel better �knowing �that im not the only one experiencing all of this, made me feel less alone to read your guys struggles. I can relate to everything which �sucks... Im not diagnosed with BPD but i should see a therapist Asap. There�s something wrong with me. �I feel like no one truly understands what im going through �and i prefer closing myself up. Im a �burden for everyone around me and i feel like �everyone around me has bad intentions and that they wanna hurt me. Its an infinite cycle that never ends and i can see that its only getting worse and worse.i idealize and then paint black persons and idealize and paint in black and so on. Thats what i do with my girlfriend. �I�m tired and overwhelmed by everything i feel and i have suicide thoughts all the time. I pushed everyone away and i have no friends and �my romantic relationship is falling apart because i keep self sabotaging myself. She felt unloved and she went looking for someone else...i never felt so much pain in my life. She came back into my life �and i feel lucky... but i keep pushing her away with my behavoir and i can only watch my worst inevitable nightmare happening in real time. �The truth is all i want is to feel loved and understood. My expectations are very high too. My girlfriend is so over me and i�m desperate and i miss her terribly. Im only an option now, not a priority anymore and it hurts because she�s all my world.
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
Hey @loserdotcom,
I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. A lot of us here have felt similarly to how you're feeling now: like we're trying so hard but everything we do is wrong, like we're selfish and and engage in self-sabotage and can't control ourselves. Like we can only hurt people. Maybe someone has told you that, too. The good news is they're wrong: it may not get so good that you never struggle, but you definitely can feel better, stop feeling overwhelmed by your emotions and ashamed of your actions. It takes a lot of determination and hard work.
A couple of things in your post seem like especially big struggles -- crisis situations and emotional abuse can be very difficult to recover from. I'm glad you're considering therapy. Many of us have been in therapy, and that's a good place to start -- DBT and IFS therapies have worked well for people who fit BPD criteria, and others. In particular, topics like emotional regulation and boundaries may be good places to start. Many of us have been medicated -- every body is different. With a good professional you can figure out what helps you the most. I also hope you have a good IRL support system, family and friends who you trust. It seems like you love and trust your girlfriend, but it's a good idea to avoid leaning too much on any one person.
You do deserve to be loved.
