Hi,
I’m not sure I’m in the right place, but I’m the partner of someone who has BPD (I don’t have BPD myself, but I do have severe generalized anxiety disorder!) and while my partner and I love each other very much, more often than not my anxiety causes me to become terrified over any instance they may split on me, or just, generally get mad at me if I do something wrong. Most of their BPD episodes consist of anger and angry outbursts, which I have childhood trauma around. They’re the love of my life and I want things to get better between us, but I’m just not sure how to cope with their episodes without stepping away (and feeling guilty afterwards that I ‘couldn’t be there’ (my own words and thought process, not theirs!) Does anyone here have any strategies for coping with this??
@lavenderTalker9048
Hey of course you can post about anything in the forums I believe. I just think maybe you won't get replies as quick as you may want which could be better talked about in a chat with a listener. I am sorry you are going through these issues with the love of your life. Mental disorders are honestly very difficult to handle on your own much less with someone you dearly love and may live with - someone who you share basically everything with and want to share such personal things with as well. I personally don't know much about BPD but I do have bipolar disorder and I have issues because of it with my partner. I would say try reddit first but also have you considered talking to a therapist? I think everyone's mental illness is different though so maybe some strategies will work better than others. I would say try different options with your partner with open communication. Have a serious conversation about what could better help and just continue to try different things to see if some things are a little better than others and make small adjustments there.
I think a therapist or couple's therapist would be an option but may not be viable for everyone. I think things can be better but it will take some more open-mindedness and effort from both sides. :)
Wish you the best and feel free to message me!
Yeah, I think you may be right! I definitely want to try talking one on one with a therapist here about it all, but I’m also still settling into the app so it might be more like later in the morning when I do talk to someone =3 Regardless, I’m so glad this app exists and I feel like I can get help here. I’ve tried on social media, but it’s proven to be more of a hassle than anything =( So thank you for your reply, this actually gives me more hope than I’ve had in ages =“)
@lavenderTalker9048
I hope you've reached out to a therapist by now! Sorry, it's hard to see the notifications that someone replied back but I am so glad to hear you've found a platform you feel you can find some help or support :) What on instagram did you try? (I'm just curious). Hope you've been doing better!
@chikinnugget Hey! Did I say it was Insta? Oops my bad! I’ve been blogging about my experiences, but also found a Tiktok/Instagram user I really like that shares tips and experiences with this sort of thing. This is their TikTok account! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeBtEANh/ I’ve also been reading both ‘Stop Walking On Eggshells’ by Paul T. Mason, and just today was able to find a copy of ‘I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me’. Both which have really touched on the fact that my partner’s behaviour is not my fault, which I often think it is when they lash out. I often find myself thinking “If I could just do things perfectly without any mistakes, they wouldn’t do that to me.” but it’s not even that they’re doing anything TO me, it’s just the disorder.
@lavenderTalker9048
Oh that's my bad I don't know why I thought or read instagram woops I guess I just meant social media but yeah TikTok has a lot on mental health surprisingly :) although I just lose so much time going on that app haha I had to cut it out. Oh wow, and you're reading a lot - I can see you really care about him and I am so glad he has you that's honestly so like great to see. Yeah it is the disorder and I'm very certain he doesn't actually want to treat you that way :/
I have bipolar disorder and depression and my partner and I try to talk things out and ways we can get through my spiraling moments where I just become a different person and I say hateful things that I definitely don't mean. We have tried different things out like facetiming right away and I let him know how I feel and if I am upset about something because sometimes small things make me spiral deeper and deeper but he does a good job of just being there and patient and we plan on making this box of things that kind of should help my mood in those worst moments or when I feel I am starting to spiral down.
I am so happy you're committed to learning about it and how you can help him and your relationship. :)
I’m really trying to educate myself as a last resort and am trying to devise a plan of what to do instead of just—reacting to things—as I would with someone without BPD, like tonight after reacting to something they said and feeling guilty about it I disengaged myself to go read, but I also want to create a plan for myself that “When they say or do x that I know will set me off to want to defend myself because I’m just, trying to exist, I do this instead of engaging or getting angry with them.” (because to them I feel like my feelings don’t matter—everything is always about them in our house it feels like 😓) so yeah, definitely trying!
@lavenderTalker9048
Well I understand you're trying so hard to work with his BPD but to an extent... it should not require you feeling like your feelings or thoughts don't matter. I think even though he may have this mental disorder he has to work through, that is also technically his responsibility because it is his mind and his life that he will have to deal with it. I think you already are putting so much effort because you want to help work through things with him and his BPD. I still think he could and should make you feel like your feelings still matter. What happens when you tell him you feel like your feelings don't matter? :/
Also like since we having a convo basically, if you want to send me a message we can chat cause sometimes these notifications get lost and I may not see your reply :(
This kinds of hits close to home, but I would say coping strategies would be to get professional therapy for both the person with BPD and definitely their partner, because it’s not an easy task being with someone that suffers from that disorder. If both are willing to get the help, than I believe it can also bring the couple closer as well by sharing something together and supporting each other during the hard times.
I understand how difficult this situation is for you. You're met with contradicting odds for your decision. I'm hoping your partner can access therapy and can cope with their anger