How to Manage BPD Episodes
Hello,
I go by K on here (for privacy sake) and I am 19 years old struggling with Discouraged/Quiet BPD, General Depression, ADHD, and GAD as well as a recovered anorexic. I’m also a pre-PA student at my university majoring in psychology.
Currently, I am having a very bad BPD episode. I feel as if everyone hates me and as if I’m a failure. I have to do laundry, drop something off at UPS, and create my EMT course schedule, but I feel absolutely awful. My boyfriend also wants to go to the gym with me later today, but I feel like shit and I feel like he doesn’t even like me (which my logical brain knows isn’t true because he’s been nothing but patient and kind with me, but logic brain always loses).
I think several things lead up to the trigger. To begin with, I have not seen my boyfriend recently because his roommate just got home from his father’s funeral. I should not be upset with my boyfriend for wanting to be with his roommate during this time, but I am. Thankfully I have discouraged bpd, so I have not shown that I am upset by this to him. I’ve been trying to push that down and ignore it because I want my boyfriend to be there for his roommate.
Second, I was doing schoolwork during one of my classes because I am very busy and need to multitask. With my ADHD, I have to be doing something else in order to focus better anyways (which is usually just me doodling on notes). Today, a group was presenting a project at the end of class and I was still doing other schoolwork while they were presenting (making sure I was being very quiet and that I would take breaks in between to show the group my undivided attention, even though I was paying attention during the presentation) and a sort of friend of mine leans over and goes “hey, they’re presenting” in a rude tone. I believe that just set me off completely (even though logic brain knows that yes she is correct from an outsider pov it does seem like I was not paying attention).
So anyways, over those courses of events plus some other struggles with my roommate and I not getting along and the course load I currently have, that one tiny comment did it for me and now my anxiety is skyrocketed and my depression is even worse to the point where I can’t even do simple tasks such as laundry right now. I thinks the worse part of it is that I am self aware and know that being upset by these things is absolutely ridiculous, but I still am.
I’m at the point now where I just want to go for a drive without telling anyone where I’m going and disappear for the night and maybe for the weekend. I don’t know what to do or how to manage these episodes. Any advice or tips would be fantastic.
<3 K
This is where my partner is at, but a bit further down the road. Medication, therapy, and get older, is the advice I have been given, learn to deal with your demons over time.
@kartymis
Hi K, thanks for posting. If it helps, I don't feel that your feelings are ridiculous. 💜
When I try to feel my way through the situations you're describing, I'm sort of noticing multiple different sets of conflicting thoughts/feelings.
1) You've had some things happen that feel upsetting and that's really understandable.
- 1) "I feel really lonely because I haven't been able to see my boyfriend as much as I want to."
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2) "I feel really misunderstood and frustrated because I had a friend misinterpret my actions and criticize me based on a false premise."
2) You fear that if you expressed these feelings, you might get hurt or other people might say you're not allowed/supposed to feel that way. It's understandable to want to protect yourself from that.
- 1) "I can't express how lonely I'm feeling or let my boyfriend find out how I'm feeling."
- 2) "I can't express how frustrated I'm feeling or let my friend find out how I'm feeling."
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"If I talk about any of this, other people are going to get upset and reject how I'm feeling, and that's going to feel really bad. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want them to hurt me. 😟"
3) You also feel like other people's actions are understandable in a certain way and don't want to expect something unfair from them.
- 1) "It's understandable for my boyfriend to want to be there for his roommate and to feel like that's something important."
-
2) "It's understandable for my friend to accidentally misinterpret what I was doing if they didn't have the prior knowledge of what I do to deal with my ADHD."
All of those different thoughts/feelings feel so understandable and like there's something right about them.
***
I wonder whether it might be possible to allow the original feelings in #1 to exist and be what they are while still regulating outward behavior?
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-accepting-emotions-can-improve-emotional-health-425368
- 1) "Maybe it wouldn't be helpful for me to get into a conversation with my boyfriend while I'm right in the middle of this loneliness, but it's okay for me to feel lonely and it's understandable for me to feel the way that I do. Of course it feels bad to have someone I depend on for emotional support/comfort be distant or offer me less attention for a little while. I'm going to try to do something soothing for that part of me that feels lonely because I care about it and it's worth caring about."
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2) "Maybe it wouldn't be helpful for me to get into an argument with my friend while I'm right in the middle of this anger, but it's okay for me to feel angry and it's understandable for me to feel the way that I do. Of course it feels bad to have someone misunderstand or seem to judge me for reasons for that are inaccurate. I'm going to try to do something soothing for that part of me
that feels angry because I care about it and it's worth caring about."