I'm trying to understand BPD without an official diagnosis.
I've been thinking that I have borderline personality disorder for over a year now and although I research this consistently, I still can't be too sure because I don't like believing things blindly because that makes me feel stupid. Please tell me your opinion of this because I want to be completely honest with myself and I don't know if I actually even have it or I've manipulated myself into thinking that I do.
It may be important to mention that I've talked to multiple listeners on this site who didn't understand borderline personality disorder as the only ones that did know how to help me had it themselves. Because of this, I've formed a bias for people and characters with BPD because they're usually not as fake as vaguely positive people who don't understand that that doesn't actually help much. Usually, BPD sufferers over think more and the ideas that they come up with are more comforting than those of other people because they're more thought out and less cliche.
When I first found out that I may have BPD, it was through researching it and seeing how this includes symptoms like mood swings, impulsiveness, obsessiveness, and trust issues and I relate to that. I've had multiple relationships where I didn't believe the other person cared about me regardless of whether or not they did anything wrong. I sorta think that I just have a Spidey sense of when people are gonna leave my life so I start thinking that the time I do have with them won't matter because them 'leaving' may likely equal betrayal and that scares me. I've also had and have multiple relationships where the person is totally perfect to me, and I'd be capable of seeing through and justifying an extensive amount of negative things they've done to me or anyone else. I try to be logical but I am emotionally stubborn too as much as I try to help it.
If I do have BPD then I have impulsive borderline disorder because I have no problem socializing with many people at a time even though I don't think they'd /love/ me at any deeper level as easily. I feel like being liked by people energizes me, it makes me feel like it's worth staying and living. This isn't with all people but just some people have this effect on me and they don't have to be all that for it to happen, there just needs to be a factor where I can impress them and they validate that and I'll be happy. Still, I comfort myself by that I could leave anyone or anything if I wanted to.
The reason I doubt if I have BPD is how I get over people. When some relationship is happening, I want to do as much enjoyable things as the person let's me and I want to do so much more for them than other people could. When things end though, like actually end then I cut out every direct and sometimes indirect reminder of the person that left me and I only keep the reminders that they don't care about me so I won't make the mistake of going back. I keep myself from ideas like "it's their fault" or "nobody will love you as much as I did" or anything else toxic like that because I know I could've saved things if I'd been smarter and done better.
I've definitely done things that fit in the check marks of BPD but I'm still confused because what if I don't have it dramatically enough for it to count?
Another thing is I won't show people I'm hurt in public because I laugh off most things or try to act mature and impressive. When something does hurt me, usually but I do cry in my room a lot and then plan out how I'm gonna deal with things alone. I do vent to friends but I never see it as "us against problem" because it's me against my problems and it's important to make yourself happy because that's your responsibility more than anyone else.
I have been abusive to people because I thought they wouldn't care enough to be hurt anyway. I've been both verbally abusive and in some cases more dramatically.....
What do you think?
I may regret this post later, I don't know.
I've been recently diagnosed with BPD and relate to what you've stated here. However, I suggest you check out the BPD community here. There's tons of information to check out (research-wise) and plenty of members willing to listen and help. At the end of the day, it comes down to if you need an official medical diagnosis. Are this problems debilitating in your daily life? That's your call to make. Good luck with figuring this matter out! :)
@PoisonCupcakes
This really resonated with me: " I have been abusive to people because I thought they wouldn't care enough to be hurt anyway. "
You have one heck of an insight, which is really going to help you on your way despite the confusion you currently feel. I will say there is a difficulty in the transition between seeking professional help and receiving a diagnosis. I know for me it was a very scary time. I felt overwhelmed and discouraged- yet I felt relief as treatment had begun and in some strange way- these labels validated me. (I was diagnosed with mixed manic depression, PTSD, and Panic Disorder. I also believe I have OCD but am not currently addressing this issue other than by treating my anxiety.)
While these discussions with others can be liberating, it is important of course never to cling too routinely to a label. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself right now is get evaluated by a doctor who can help you narrow down and explain your experience. Then you will know your next steps regarding medication and therapy, or both, or none at all. This followed by healthy coping skills, communication development, and self care have really changed my perspective on life. I am not symptom free and nothing is perfect, but there has been a notable improvement. Please be careful when asking for advice without first seeing a physician. Everyone is different, but it sounds to me like you are really reaching out for help here. I am proud of you for doing so. <3
@PoisonCupcakes I think i might get what you are going through. You are trying to find a reason why you are the way you are and sometimes its easier when you have a label. Something you should know though is that self diagnosis or being diagnosed by people who aren't trained professionals is very dangerous. You could be given this label and the stigma attached to it and completely loose your identity of self. My first therapist called me OCD the second called me a sociopath my online research said bipolar with sadistic tendancies. Do you know what all that means? It means utter confusion and fear. Fear of myself, of my future, of my diagnosis. Finally I went to a psychiatrist. After 3 sessions he diagnosed me with bpd and finally things made sense. So what I'm saying is we aren't the ones who can give you an answer to who you are. I paragraph, one therapy session, your mind is bigger than that. More complex. My advice, take it or leave it, is to go to someone with at least 4 letters after their name because they may be crazy stuck up but they do know there shit. Good luck.
@PoisonCupcakes
i think that you shouldn't ask people from the internet neither the actual internet neither the people with bpd do you have it because none of us can know, we're not doctors and just because someone relates to this doesn't mean that you automatically have it
to me this looks like obsessively searching for a reason of your behavior and trying to explain it by some disorder, i'd call this all insecurity and that's all, and the doctor can confirm do you have it or not
if someone says you have it - don't listen to them
if someone says that you don't have it - don't listen to them
if online super-stupid tests say that you have it/don't have it - don't listen to them
who should you listen to then ? A DOCTOR
i'm not trying to be rude, i'm trying to help and be quite realistic, sorry if this looked rude
and if some mod deletes my post.... that mod should contact me and tell me what was wrong with my post. okay ? okay. be fair
@PoisonCupcakes plus you're a teen... you know what my psychiatrist tells me ? teens can show symptoms of a personality disorder, almost every second teen and that's normal for that age, but if those symptoms are extreme + continue to show after you're over 18 then it's a full blown personality disorder... so, it may be a normal reaction, and also teens who read about psychiatry tend to "develop" some symptom of some disorder but that's not how the symptom actually looks like and manifests like... it's more complex than just symptoms you read on the internet. stop reading about that stuff and visit a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis and i wish you the best really :)
@FuturePsychologist2 I read what you're saying and that makes sense that a teenager would have overemotional tendencies similar to BPD or symptoms or lots of other things, of cluster B nature or more...
I know that a self opinion isn't as qualified as an official doctors but as of now, I am pretty sure because I'm 17 and my symptoms haven't stopped at all. This is a consistent thing I've had because as much as you doubt it, I also have doubted my own case consistently.
I don't think your post should be censored or deleted by a mod because you're saying your honest and polite opinion and that's totally fair. Honestly I'm curious to talk to you, sorry for super late response on THIS post because I'd left seven cups for a long time and now came back.
I don't think it's a situation where I thought I have it because I studied it because I showed symptoms worse BEFORE studying. Also, obsessively researching does seem like someone who's a borderline would do to me even though that fact alone doesn't make you a borderline.
I'm curious if you want to debate about this privately because I want to talk to you more if you're interested. It seems like you're coming from a place of logic although you are very stubborn on your opinion.
Not asking to talk about my specific case only or whatever but just wondering if we can teach each other about the different perspectives on self dx. I can give you examples of why I think what I think about myself because I am being vague since although anon, this is public.
It sounds like you have some really great insight, and are asking important questions to get to know yourself better. I enourage anybody seeking a diagnosis to see a medical professional who is qualified to do so! It is important to treat psychiatric disorders properly, and other mental illnesses mirror a lot of the symptoms of BPD, but might be treated differently.
Super late reply but... I do plan on seeing a psychologist once I'm over 18 and move out. ☺
@PoisonCupcakes
You have such mature insight toward your experience! I admire your ability to take your own inventory. Most people don't even realize what they go through in a social setting. You are so self aware.
As a professional I have to disclaim only a doctor can know if BPD is what you're experiencing. It is difficult because so many of these symptoms are thing that many people struggle with, but there are some specifics. I thought I struggled with this for years come to find out I'm just good ol' fashioned bipolar. I hope you find some answers soon and adopt some coping skills to help pull you through as healthy as possible.
Keep us posted! 
@blitheSun94 Thank you!
That's interesting because BPD and bipolar are very similar. I added an update post here because you said that actually. It's really messy and has lots of errors but it's positive. Also, I wanted to mention this is what inspired me to write it.
Update from OP!
I haven't really been on 7cups nearly as often as I used to but I wanted to leave this here for anyone who stumbles open this thread.
I mentioned venting to friends in my original post and I was indirectly referencing my best friend, who's helped me be more self aware a ton. She's been there for me and although we know she doesn't have bpd or any personality disorders herself, she thoroughly understands exactly what I'm going through. This is regardless of if I do have BPD or not, because I can't say she understands all bpd, just how we've assumed and analyzed how I experience it.
I plan on getting officially diagnosed in the future because as of now, I'm underage. Now, I'm pretty sure I do have it but it's improved.
I want any borderline or just any person reading this to know that whatever you think is wrong with you won't automatically cause you to be doomed forever, because you can be happy and you can become stabler. I have an amazing girlfriend who I knew, by impulse would be with me until we die and any life after. She listens to me. She compliments me. She's genuine and I can see through her, as much as I hyperanalyze her the most prominent thing I see is her loyalty and love for me. I'm glad it's easy for me to comfort her too.
Sometimes you just don't know if the thing you really wanted and needed was right under your nose. I didn't know that I'd fall in love with my best friend. It happened and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I know that borderlines or anyone with aspects of BPD likely crave affection and intimacy. If you keep trying to find your soul mate and wait long enough, I want to tell you that there's a very good chance you will! There could, very likely be someone out there who calms your fear of abandonment. Chances are the chance is hiding right under your nose like my situation. ☺☺
@PoisonCupcakes My girlfriend IS my best friend, sorry if there's any confusion.
@PoisonCupcakes
you can't know if you have it ok buddy ?
@FuturePsychologist2 I have enough symptoms of it to get properly diagnosed and I've studied myself enough to understand what I'm going through now. This is over two years of research and also the opinions of family and friends.
I'm also planning on being a psychologist and if you're going to discredit someone else's experience so quickly from a few posts, that probably means you're not ready to become one.
@PoisonCupcakes
please stop, it hurts so bad to see someone self-diagnosing something that you're suffering from so badly
i don't say that you don't suffer, i just say that it hurts that you call yourself a borderline which is the thing that can't be self-diagnosed because of lots of things just because you did some reasearch.
it hurts okay ? bpd is MUCH MORE than the symptoms and things that are written in some books/articles/internet in general.
@FuturePsychologist2 Okay, this is the last thing I'll say about this to you but I hope you know that without books/articles/internet, a psychologist would know nothing about any disorder because these are all credible sources of information. Med school is based on these sources of information and the diagnostic manual five which current psychologists use is a BOOK.
A psychologist title doesn't automatically grant someone authority because there are many cases where psychologists disagree on how to diagnose someone.
I would rather not entirely depend on what a doctor says about me because just because someone has an authority doesn't mean that they won't misuse it. That's all.
can someone please tag a therapist to explain it to this person why self-diagnosing is wrong ?
@FuturePsychologist2 I don't want to get you banned. What you said did hurt me but the things I said hurt you too.
1. I will go to a doctor, I've actually been planning it. Once I'm 18, in a year, this will happen.
2. I hope you take care of yourself too. Again, I'm sorry that what I said hurt you.
3. Thank you. That's nice of you to say. I hope you can also feel at peace because this actually got me feeling emotional and I know you too.
4. Yeah, I agree. Understanding symptoms is important. At the end of the day, a doctors opinion is what matters. I would bring up what I think to one though.
5. BPD is similar to Bipolar so that makes sense, it makes sense why so many people would have different opinions because BPD is complicated. I'm glad you're sure about your own BPD though because that's one thing you have that I don't.
6. I hope you have a great life too.
Bye.
@FuturePsychologist2 I can see that you're obviously a nice person and we just both made each other feel bad.
I'm glad we cleared everything up. ☺
PS: I doubt you'll get reported because if anyone did contact me about that, I'd tell them that they shouldn't because we were both somewhat at fault here. Neither of us said anything bad enough to get reported, I hope.
I am so sorry to hear that this thread was so triggering for both of you @futurepsychologist2 and @poisoncupcakes.
This is just a friendly reminder to please be respectful to others in the forums. We don't have to agree with everything someone else says, but we do need to make sure we keep 7cups a safe and supportive place for people to get the support they need.
That being said, @futurepsychologist2 makes a good point about not self-diagnosing. We do not encourage that at all... but I think that research and reading about it can help you to know if it's something you *might* struggle from. It's like with a physical illness, you could have signs and symptoms that are associated with cancer, but you never really know until you go to the doctor. You can speculate but you can't be certain, and just because you think you have something, it doesn't mean that you don't have it.
Personally, when I was a junior in high school I took an advanced psychology class, and we learned about BPD. I told my teacher that I thought I had BPD and he told me that I probably didn't because I was a teenager and the symptoms are very similar to the way teenagers can act. Five years later after ruining my college career because of my BPD I was finally diagnosed with borderline. Had someone taken me seriously when I was younger I could have gotten the right kind of help to learn how to manage my BPD sooner. After 13 hospitalizations and a month in residential treatment and 4 years of DBT therapy I finally have a handle on things (mostly) but I lost most of my young-adult life to my BPD. So while I don't condone self-diagnosis. I do see the value in being aware and skeptical so that you can seek the right type of support and get the right kind of treatment so that you can learn to manage the symptoms before you've lost so much.