Is there anybody in there?
I don't know what's wrong with me I can't make all these thoughts go away and it's ruining everything in my life. I want to enjoy my life I have such a good life but this thing is terrorizing me. Everything is so up down it's hard to know which is the reality and which is the dream. I am constantly bouncing between extremes how can you think of anything long term? How can you be close with someone? I hate the inconsistency I hate the fear I hate the self loathing it's all such a waste this is no way to live. I'm just angrily anonymously venting so that I don't take it out on myself or be mean to anybody or have a panic attack so I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place or sound like a horrible person. It just seems to me that there is no getting better there are only distractions. But it is always there planning the next thing to destroy and all you can do is watch in the passenger seat of your own car as you drive off a cliff over and over again.
@silentthegravekeeper Seems you're struggling very hard right now, and that's making things harder for you. It's not easy dealing with extreme moods, up and down all the time, like you said "inconsistent". You're in right place, we're here to give support and opening up is always good. Don't feel bad for reaching out, that's a courageous thing to say you're not okay and I'm glad you wrote how you felt. It's best to let it all out, than to keep it in - and it doesn't make you a horrible person. You're not a bad person for struggling.
We're here to support you, this is the primary base of our community - giving support. And I hope you feel understood, because you're fighting a difficult battle, and it's not easy, but with people who try to understand and see what the struggle is for you, can make it a bit lighter.
Do you feel you have support from people around you? From the way you mentioned "how can you be close to someone", seems you may be struggling to make that connection with people; and being in extremes, can make it hard to be close and feel close to someone.
@eviesweet because of the type of person that I am I kept this to myself for years but by the time I was a senior in high school I felt so overwhelmed by it that I had to tell my parents and ask for help. They said it was because I was a teenager and that everyone goes through hard times which was extremely discouraging to hear. This was 3 years ago. They get upset with me for my "moodiness" and they tell me not to think about things "don't stress so much" when I'm having panic attacks they tell me to try yoga. So it's like that. They just really don't understand me or believe me I guess. They see the effects but they can't put it together.
And honestly thank you for even listening to me what you said was really nice
@silentthegravekeeper I'm sorry your parents don't seem to understand, that must be hard for you. It's not easy when you finally ask for help, with being so overwhelmed, and instead get invalidated and said it's just "teenager" moods. It's a common misconception people with BPD experience, specially when they're in their late teens or a young adult. People put the "blame" on something else, instead of saying "yes, maybe they are really struggling and could use our help" - mostly because they don't understand what a mental illness is, and how you can't ignore it or 'snap out it'
You're welcome and I'm proud of you for opening up here about your struggle!
