Lonely...
Hey. I used to have a few close friends and long term boyfriends. Lately I've been having trouble creating and maintaining the types of relationships I was used to having when I was younger. People like me but I feel like creating an inner circle seems to be difficult. Maintaining is worse. I'm lonely for real conversation. What is really going on with me. What interests me. My remaining friends. Maybe I'm too codependent and overwhelming. I feel like I'm always chasing love and having to earn it. I know deep down inside despite achievements and on paper things I feel that I'm not deserving. Very difficult childhood. Abusive parents and bullying. I'm in therapy. I have a good job. I'm supposedly doing well for what I've been through. Still I crave intimacy so badly. I feel like I don't have close people to support me while I'm trying to improve. It's so hard. My moods are a lot to process. I'm trying to be careful of who I let in and have calm for once in my life. I'm ready to be happy but I've been in this rut for years. Feels like forever and like it will be forever. Trying to sit here in the moment. Hoping it will pass. Feels good to even say it out loud. 🙏
Hi there @understandingCamp1248 ! Sorry for the late reply. It sounds like you struggle maintaining the relationships and the emotions that come with them. It can be hard to have healthy relationships especially when you have a tough childhood.I have had a similar experience to yours about not putting my friends in that close circle of mine. I guess I used to be afraid of people and their connections with me that I tried to distance myself from them. I feel like understanding your emotions and were you come from can be key! I am glad to hear about your progress and I hope it all gets better soon❤
@LandOfHopesx3 Thanks
Hi there @understandingCamp1248, I wish I had seen your post a bit earlier.
I can relate very much to your experience and I understand your feelings and thoughts very well. I really like the way you are dealing with this, sitting in the moment, connecting to your own sensations, writing it all down. I just wanted to say this and let you know that you are not alone, this subcommunity is here to support you. I hope this will make you feel a little bit less lonely <3
@admaiorasemper Thanks 🙂
Hi! I'm new here. I have never done therapy or anything before but I always felt like something was wrong with me but I didn't know what.
Someone I follow on insta posted bdp awareness post and it felt like that was me. I looked into bdp and it is literally everything I felt for my entire life. I feel like a psycho like I always think people are talking about or don't like me. I get so irrationally mad and angry and shut people out. Then I'll cling on to relationships that aren't working cuz I am terrified of being alone.
i feel bad like I caused a lot of problems and I was manipulative to a lot of people. Idk what the next steps are here idk if I even have a disorder but idk it feels like I do
Hi @Red789, welcome here <3
I understand how confusing it can be thinking that we may have a disorder... If you recognise yourself in BPD's symptoms, I would suggest you to talk to your doctor about it, or even better to find a therapist and discuss your insights.
Try to be compassionate as well... only very rarely those who suffer from BPD try and manipulate others with bad intentions. This doesn't mean that they do not cause any harm of course, but the reason behind this is them trying to escape their extreme pain and suffering.
We are here for you
@admaiorasemper
thank You so much for responding!
i never mean to do anything with bad intentions but after reading the symptoms of bdp and reflecting on my behavior I realize I do manipulating things in relationships all the time. I never do anything with bad intentions but I guess it comes off that way.
I think I am gonna see my dr and see if there's any therapist that she recommends. 2 of my siblings have depression and anxiety and they see the same therapist so idk if she would work for me
@Red789
You are very welcome 
I think it is great that you have decided to see your doctor and ask her for suggestions! I get how weird it may feel to have the same therapist as two of your siblings, I personally doubt I would like that. In case this may be helpful: you can get therapy on this website too, althought therapists here cannot provide a diagnosis.
If you ever need to talk, I am just a post away :) [and I have bpd]
@admaiorasemper
thank you so much I am definitely going to reach out to you ❤️
From time to time I have the tendency to put myself down and feel like I'm not good enough. I feel useless. I feel like a loser and I just feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. And that's the worst kind of loneliness is being in a room filled with people and yet this feeling still creeps in. I also have the tendency to look back at the past and cry about it. I would just cry and cry. When I think I'm done crying, I'll feel better. But as soon as the feeling hits me again I start to tear up. I had suicidal thoughts. Just thinking it would be better to just go away forever.
I also do this thing where I cry in front of the mirror to sort of make me realize what I'm doing to myself is not healthy. Sometimes it helps.
It is still the beginning of 2020 and here I am crying and crying because I hate myself and I'm so disappointed in myself for not being who I truly am.
But I have decided that it is unhealthy for me to keep putting myself down every fucking time. I want to make a change. I want to be my true authentic self. I want to be a kinder person with a good heart.
Hi there @diplomaticEast4339, I am sorry to hear you often feel useless and lonely and that you hate yourself... These are very difficult feelings... I am proud of you for wanting to be who you really are, your true authentic self. You say you want to be a kinder person with a good heart… and honestly I think only someone who already has a good heart could write this <3
Perhaps… you just need to be kinder to yourself <3
We are all here to support you.
@admaiorasemper heyy you know this means alot to me. Let's all be there for each other. Mental illness is not a joke. Hence, we can make this world a better place with a kind heart. <3
@diplomaticEast4339
You are very right, we definitely can
@diplomaticEast4339 Best Wishes on this journey 🙏
Hey @understandingCamp1248,
Here's the bit of your post that resonated strongly with me:
"I feel like I'm always chasing love and having to earn it. I know deep down inside despite achievements and on paper things I feel that I'm not deserving. Very difficult childhood. Abusive parents and bullying. I'm in therapy. I have a good job. I'm supposedly doing well for what I've been through. Still I crave intimacy so badly. I feel like I don't have close people to support me while I'm trying to improve. It's so hard. My moods are a lot to process. I'm trying to be careful of who I let in and have calm for once in my life. I'm ready to be happy but I've been in this rut for years."
I could have written that: rough childhood, abuse and neglect, no real sense that I am valuable just for existing. I feel a strong need to be loved, but people seem to sense my neediness and distance themselves. I've been called manipulative, I've been told I drive people away. I have a couple of good friends, and it helps a lot to have someone to talk to, but they are both more distant than I'd like. I'm suffering a lot from touch deprivation and I'm not sure if the support I have is 'enough.' It feels like it isn't. It feels like a vicious cycle -- I'm needy because I don't get enough love and that makes people keep their distance, which makes the problem worse. The great paradox is that no one's love can 'fix' me, but I need to be loved in order to fix myself. Inconvenient, if you ask me!
I don't really know what to do about the craving for intimacy. When I've tried to 'extract' love from people, it has always backfired. I try to take care of myself as best as possible: take time to reflect, mindfulness, gratitude. Do activities I enjoy. Comfort my skin with soft fabrics and hot showers. Somewhere in there there's confidence building, developing a conviction that I am worthy of love just for existing, which isn't what I learned from my family -- they taught me that I have to earn love. But confidence that I'm worthy of love doesn't really do much if I don't get any love anyway. Maybe the theory is that somehow more love will cosmically come my way, once I'm confident that I deserve it. That seems like a flawed premise to me.
@electra76 Wow. I really related to your message as well. Nice to be understood. I do many of those activities as well. My therapist has said I'm trying to fill an emptiness. I'm wondering if intimacy would even make me feel better. It never seems to feel like enough and I'm usually dissatisfied or disappointed. I just keep trying to fill this love I never had or don't know how to give myself. I don't like the premise either! I think we should be loved because we are human. It seems like we are loved based on getting some kind of dynamic. However, radical acceptance I guess. It is what it is. Someone told me in this group to love and take care of myself then love will always find me. I'm trying to think that way for now. It's hard and lonely though. Sometimes I feel broken and I do things wrong. I try to be caring but I hurt myself and others with my patterns. Taking it one day at a time.
@understandingCamp1248
I mean emotional intimacy rather than physical/sexual, usually, but I really want to be held and cuddled a lot. For me it really doesn't feel like emptiness -- I have a very strong sense of who I am, I'm not feeling 'lost' or 'confused' but I do feel overwhelmingly lonely and want companionship.
You said, "I just keep trying to fill this love I never had or don't know how to give myself." -- yes, same here. I am not convinced that I can truly give myself the love I need -- I am trying, and IFS therapy is all about that, parenting your inner children and giving yourself the love you didn't get as a child. But I think there's a limit, because no matter how much I love myself, at the end of the day, I'm still lonely. And that may not change -- no one is obligated to love me.
I'm trying for radical acceptance too, and it's one thing to say this is how it is right now, and it's quite another to say, and I don't know when that might change. We can endure a lot if it's temporary -- becomes much harder if it's indefinite.
@electra76 I get what you mean with these things being indefinite. I think it can change though over time. I'm definitely seeing some improvement. People respond to me differently. However, I'm very guarded with who I let into my life. Then I'm not sure my selection process is good, I'm guessing it's not. Also, maintaining these relationships. I have maladaptive ways of handling things despite my intentions. I do miss touch as well. My ex and I used to all the time. Now I'm just trying to be more functional in this area that maybe the next one can be more long lasting.
@understandingCamp1248
It's great that people are starting to respond to you differently. I'm not sure people are, for me. I think I'm pretty picky too, because if a relationship/friendship/even acquaintance doesn't feel like it's beneficial, I tend to act like it's not worth my time. I don't have a lot of time in general -- I work a lot, volunteer a lot, and spend a lot of time on my hobbies -- so if I'm going to spend time with someone, I want it to feel good.
I probably have maladaptive ways of handling things too, but it only comes out when a relationship is sufficiently intense for conflict to come up. What do you do that's maladaptive?
@electra76 Well I think I'm now learning my patterns. Which is kinda funny to me cause I so easily notice the patterns of others. However, I tend to take the high road and be so mature to situations. Then something can happen and it's 2 years worth of anger. I detach from people, sometimes who really love me because I can no longer deal with conflicts that arise habitually and I don't think it will have behavioural change. Sometimes when I'm hurt it's 20% about the actual situation. I tend to feel bored with people, i feel like they can't really see me or know who I am. Sometimes I'm wary of being in new spaces, think it's a matter of time before the space becomes difficult. Or people would like me but I think it's a matter of time before I'll pull away or I can't cope with the interaction/who I think they are. My tolerance can be low to people in my inner world. So I laugh and I appear social or quirky but it's dissembling. I defensive about being buillied or disrespected especially in groups. My more healthy friends get tired of me being judgmental, needy and having such unrealistic expectations. Same for my partners and I have had long standing relationships. Feels like I'm a person people date for years but don't marry. Now that I'm older, my issues are more transparent. Harder to get quality partners.
@electra76 Which ones do you think come up for you?
@understandingCamp1248
Well I definitely don't take the high road! I can get quite resentful when someone doesn't meet my needs, I always want to control outcomes -- though I'm not very successful even when I'm trying! -- and I can detach from people too, when they aren't useful to me in some way. I lose attraction to my partners, and then conflict arises, and then I feel like we can't see each other anymore. I feel like people twist my words and tell me that I think things that aren't what I really think. For me, I think people will like me until they get to know me well enough to see my flaws, and then they'll decide this relationship isn't worth it, so I'm cautious about investing in people. Maybe that's why I lose attraction. But I do think eventually, it's a matter of time before the relationship gets messed up. I have a very hard time in groups too -- I overthink it, have a hard time fitting into a group conversation, watch other people's body language, feel like I could make a mistake at any moment.
"My more healthy friends get tired of me being judgmental, needy and having such unrealistic expectations" + "Feels like I'm a person people date for years but don't marry" -- YES, me too!
@electra76 I also feel resentful and try to control outcomes. Sometimes I feel like I'm pretending to be be so well-adjusted and it's not honest. So then it comes up. The negativity I feel within and around others.
@electra76 I kind of get what you mean with twisting your words. Some people are gas lighters. I might question if what I think is real or put other people's perspective before my own. Justify what they do....once not too excessive. Or I think they are very selfish, only care about their world view and how they are treated. Then they will do the same to others.
I feel like I'm alone in this world even though family says its going to be alright I get this fear that eats me up inside and it's getting to a point where Im questioning life. I don't know just seems scary to me 😢😢
@Nameless43 It can be. You can try Dr Fox on YouTube. He doesn't stigmatize us. Can help us better understand our experience with more kindness.
