My Final Boss: BPD
Well to keep things light to where I can actually post something instead of chickening out. I'm 4tune. Fortune is how it's said. But yeah. So I suck. But not just in a self deprecating way ya know. More like, here are the facts and it equals up to I suck. Here a quick rundown. I am 25 and a father of 3. My wife (bless her heart and her own issues) has been trying to help but I only seem to feel like she is making a play, a ploy. But that's not just it. My family doesn't speak to me because I decided I wanted to be with my wife. I had no mom or dad or siblings or nothing at wedding which sucked. I smoke weed everyday all the time just to keep the "heat" from flaring up and causing a lash out which I call "episodes" I also have a weird brain that breaks everything down into videogame like chance and possiblity and there for I have had to actually come up with key terms to help understand the issue that is me. Feel free to comment.
Ηi,friend. Thank you for sharing. For starters, no one is born ready and educated to be a parent or a husband. So,its hard to manage ,for sure. Good for you for taking the risk to start a family. Its such a blessing to bring new lives into our world. Parenting and companionship is a practice that involves making mistakes. An everyday commitment that you ll try your best ,even if your best is minor or a failure in your eyes. The deal is if you wanna try to learn more about it and allow yourself to embrace these roles -that you chose(father ,husband). Support your choices. Its your life and your decisions. Even if your favourite people dont approve, its their choice not to. You chose your life this way because that is what it seemed happiness for you for now and good for you. You deserve being happy and fullfilled and its your right to make mistakes. As you get older and building your life freerly from others' opinions,you ll see that they will accept your choices. You deserve support ,respect and love even if they dont agree and even if you make mistakes. It doesnt mean they dont love you. If they didnt care at all ,they wouldnt try to control you and in their toxic way "protect"you. But this is not healthy mindset. So,stop trying to please those around you. Give them time to accept that you are the constructor of your life and let them be happy for you when they are ready to see it in a more healthy way. Practice gratitude for your life and wife you already have and showing support and giving love is huge life changer. I am not an expert but is seems to me that smoking weed its a way for you to avoid those negative feelings you have (shame,guilt,anxiety) and a way out from your reality which makes you feel miserable. And those feelings are a product of they way that you chose to feel about yourself. What we think its not always true. Its a product of trauma or hurt or others opinionn and critics. Dont measure yourself this way. Try to find ways to be present and confront your reality. You are not alone ,my friend. You have your family and this community and your circle will get bigger. You are blessed and stronger more than you know. You just see yourself in an unfair and bad way. You deserve all good that life can bring you. Breathe. Take time. Feel compassion and gratitude. I am here for you ,I feel you. Take care!
Thank you. Just thank you. It is amazing to read. It's almost impossible not to feel those ways but I do try. And you are correct that they I care. I sadly just don't love my self so cant accept love thing. I hide using video games and weed yeah. And writing. I have a story I have been semi writing based on my struggles. It's super anime esc but it's just in head. Also a big issue is the fact aside from my roles in life.... I don't know who I am .. I don't have my own self to reflect on. I am just in my head the MC of a story and I need to do the best possible outcome. No matter the strain on me. But I also can't cope xP thank you
@4tunateDad It sounds like you really want to improve yourself so that you can be the best possible father for your children, but your mental health issues are making this very difficult. Your struggles are valid. Many people feel lost in life in their mid-20s, especially people who already have kids and responsibilites. It can be a real challenge to balance your mental health, work, and parenting. It is a brave thing to reach out for help and support.
Do you have a mental healthcare provider that you've been seeing on a regular basis?
Sadly I do not. I have been searching for sites, since most in online. But cause of finances I can't afford even the basic ones. So I found 7 cup. Idk if in even doing this right? Like my post is super stupid I'm sure and like the guy made fun of me at the first post. So obviously I'm doing something wrong. But overall yes I need to be. Not want to be.
@starlitsky
@starlitsky4762
Ive been there my guy, Im 27. But I’m living at my fathers. I chose my family tho I don’t have kids I bet they really push you to do the best you can. I was an alcoholic smoked pot, anything that numbed me I did it. I am 8 months sober. Trust me do not feel ashamed about your family, I stuck around and tried all their solutions which only sunk me deeper into depression, not realizing that they were infantilizing me. I was always the black sheep. it took so long to finally connect all the dots & I was only able to do that sober but I was only able to become sober because I was to depressed to even get out of bed to buy booze or even try to roll a blunt. I was so sure I would loose this battle before my birthday but I realized that my family has no interest in helping me. They have just as many issues as I do the only difference is I have a moral compass and conscience i could not ignore. I know its easier said than done but try meditating.. if anything just start with stretching as soon as you wake up, take a deep breath and start off with one thing you are grateful for, one thing you wouldn’t change for the world and remind yourself that you are resilient. You are still here. I like to think that our diagnoses is just the failed attempt of a narcissist forcing us to repeat the cycle because we can see how our actions affect others and refuse to live our lives hurting ppl the way we were hurt. Don’t forget that hurt ppl, hurt ppl. Just live and let live.
@beautifulsadspac3 thank you for sharing your personal story.
@4tunateDad please remember you are not alone in your struggles. There are many people like you. What you are going through is difficult and valid.