My long distance boyfriend who suffers from BPD shuts off communication sometimes and I don't know why
My long distance boyfriend goes through these periods where he shuts down communication out of the blue for almost 3-4 weeks. He doesn't do it often, this is only the third time in a year and 4 months but I still get very anxious, think he's not coming back. I want to know if this is what people with BPD do sometimes and why exactly they do it. I just wanna understand him better so I can stay calm and collected during these situations.
@versatilePine389
Have you asked him directly? He might be able to explain! Meanwhile maybe people with this condition will show up.
Also want to make something clear: Can't imagine how hard it must be for him to live with that. BUT, is not ok either ignoring your needs and feelings. Just like you need to be understanding with him, he needs to be understanding with you (specially with your anxiety).
A relationship is 50/50, not one sided.
@versatilePine389
That sounds really hard to have him not respond for 3-4 weeks at a time. I know sometimes when someone is going through a particularly bad spell of symptoms it can be hard to talk to anyone. He may be having a hard time with his emotions and not want to bring you down. There are many reasons he could go out of communication and I'd hate to speak for someone I don't know. I know for me I will back away from people when my fear of abandonment gets really strong. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the people in my life so I start isolating myself. I hear similar behavior is pretty common with BPD. I think asking him would be a good way to get the answer you need.
@versatilePine389
I go along with the other two replies and just want to give you support. I do push people away as a result of my borderline tendencies, not in the way you have described but for long periods and more subtly. It is awful when I have found that I have done it. If I were your boyfriend I would want to know what I had done to you but I would also feel so much shame that I would end up depressed or angry or whith one of the many other shame driven reactions. You cant rescue him from that though. He has to face what he is doing, the same of it and why he does it. Its a big package and he may not doit it very well. Is he having any therapy?
@indigoCup1959
should read - ....shame of it...
@versatilePine389 It sounds like it's incredibly painful to experience someone you love leaving without an explanation especially when you're attached to them and have romantic expectations. Having borderline personality disorder means understanding how painful abandonment feels firsthand which is why it's important to avoid putting any other person, especially someone you love, through that. Whether he is doing this because he is afraid of you abandoning him first or some other reason, at the end of the day it is an ultimately selfish act that needs an explanation and heartfelt apology from HIM if he does come back. If he doesn't, then it's more important to work through taking care of yourself than wondering about the mysteries of why he'd leave because your time is valuable and you deserve to spend it on loving you! If you must, then alright but please try to put equal or more energy into your own personal development because that's going to serve you more in the long run.
You deserve to be with someone who communicates with you. If they absolutely must dissapear for a few weeks in order to work out their feelings, then it would be healthier to tell you ahead of time and reassure you about how much they care for you beforehand.
All I can say is there are many people with BPD who know better than to leave anyone they love without a warning so the disorder should by no means be used as an excuse for why its okay. It isn't, at all. That said, when a borderline is afraid they'll be left or won't be supported, then that's when they'd be tempted to leave first. This could be also be used as a tactic to hide their depressive side from you or hide any other things from you. Regardless, someone whose self aware of themselves should know better than to act this way.
It isn't your job to be responsible where he is negligent. It sounds like you're already a caring partner who's giving a lot just by being there and it's his choice if he wants to take you up on the support you offer or not.
You could stay calm and collected by waiting to process things before reacting, understand what choices have been made impulsively and what choices you have made in regards to him that you've thought through. You can write however you feel down and let yourself cry when you need to because it's okay to have your own emotional reactions to things and take care of yourself too! You can set out things you love for yourself every day, like buying yourself things you like or using a new face mask! You can try to think through healthy standards you'd have for a partner and what you'd like to live up to while in a relationship. You can think about why the things that hurt you hurt you and then try to see what it is that you need rather than what you are currently lacking. That last bit is solid advice from a friend of mine!
I hope my rambling helped and I know you can be happy. Whether it's with him or not, we'll see.
