Please help me understand

Hi,

I have BPD and I am in relationship (two years now). And I have to say it is so hard for the person to have relationship with "us". We are very unstable and we just can switch in one second... I wanted to break up maybe 4 times with him and I said it. He always said, that it is okay, we will wait few weeks, if you still want to break up, we will.

For us is relationship very hard, because we are often somewhere between hating and loving. Most of us can't stay in relationship.

I have to say I have long distance too and for me it is way better, because we can see when I am in mood. We are together few days, I am so tired at the end. And yes, sometimes I can't respond for days, week... But deeply I know, he is there. He is waiting, because he love me you know?

I can't say how much I am gratefull to have person, who is so patient, kind. So be that one. I recomend book "I hate you - don't leave me."

At the end... Be carefull. We can be really bad on people and you may end in really toxic relationship. We just don't get it.

I am broken just now

One minute he never wants to talk to me again,

Then he's says that if we want this to work out we both have things to work on, which I agreed.

Then not even an hour later he's said he's sorry can't do it and has blocked me.

I'm broken I don't know what to do.

I'm a female with bpd, depression, and social anxiety. My last relationship went to shreds because I was not openly communicating to my partner about how bad I've gotten... I didn't confide in him because I thought he would either try to control something or just do nothing to help. Long distance is hard no matter what but dealing with mental illness and having a long distance relationship can be harder

Just an update.

So he unblocked me the next day and apologied etc then few days later did the same thing out of the blue, pretty much mid phone call. Hung up and blocked me.

We are back talking again, he's apologised and we have spoke about it a little but I don't want to push to much.

Thing is I've noticed he's being quite rude in the last day or 2. Like we can have a conversation and laugh and joke as normal then he will suddenly say something that comes across quite rude then back to himself again. It's new he's not usually like that.

I just don't know what to make of it. I can feel myself shutting off a bit towards him cos I just don't know what to expect next. I feel terrible doing that.

I do love the guy, I just feel like I need help with this.

I understand its so much harder for him and I'm feeling really selfish but when hes having one of his episodes and he says hurtful stuff and blocks me I find it hard to accept "sorry about that" the next day and we just crack on like before

Anyone got advise? Please 😔

@falloutboy1999

Hi--sorry that all of that has been happening and it sounds pretty disorienting. 💜 You're in a relationship with someone who has BPD and they've been honest and open about that, but they have been doing some things that are either confusing or anxiety-provoking:

• Things will seem fine but then they'll suddenly tell you they need some distance, need time alone, and don't want to talk to you. Or they'll block you without warning or without telling you for how long.
• They've told you that they sometimes feel like it would be better if the two of you never spoke again.
• Recently it's sometimes been happening that they'll be in a mood where they'll say something that feels rude or hurtful, like they aren't their usual self.

Everybody's different and BPD is complicated, but from what you've described about him, I can imagine his perspective and what it might feel like from his side. If I had to put it into my own words, I'd express it like this:

• "I feel completely overwhelmed sometimes, and other people don't really know how to deal with that. There's something about me that makes everybody around me feel unsafe. Even the people I'm closest to who I love and appreciate I don't really trust to be able to deal with this 'other' side of me. If I try to talk to anybody while I'm in this kind of state, it just always ends up going badly and backfiring. Either I end up hurting them or they end up hurting me. I don't want to have to feel guilty for saying something hurtful or confusing while I'm in a bad state of mind. I don't want to have the experience of reaching out to someone while I'm in a vulnerable state and feeling disappointed or rejected when they (understandably) aren't able to help me. I feel like I'm someone who is just full of poison and if any of that gets out or touches anybody, it's going to hurt them and hurt me, and I don't want that to happen. I feel like when I get that way, I need to distance myself. I wonder if I'm someone who is just fundamentally broken in some way and isn't meant to be in a relationship with anybody."

It's a really difficult place to be in and I feel a lot of love for him. 💜

***

Here is a page that has some tips for loved ones of BPD:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/for-friends-and-family/

Here are some things I like in that link, paraphrased in my own words:

• Empathy/validation is extremely powerful. Just having someone doing their best to try to understand and be non-judgmental is unbelievably helpful.
• Be patient with the fact that he might not understand or be able to really explain what he's going through, what is best for him, what you should do, or how best to help himself. What he's experiencing is probably as confusing for him as it is for you.
• Encourage him to find support/help for what he's experiencing if he hasn't already. There are therapists who specialize in treatments like DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) that are specifically designed to help with BPD and have been scientifically shown to help.
• Try to work together with him (when he's in a calm state) to figure out what the best thing is for you to do when he's experiencing all of this that he would find most helpful and supportive. For example:
  
  • If he gets into a "rude" state, what's the best way for you to respond?
  • If he wants to distance himself, what's the best way for you to respond?
• If there are certain things he's doing that you don't feel okay with, it's okay to set some boundaries and discuss with him what you'd like him to do instead. For example:
  
  • Maybe instead of being rude, you'd prefer for him to say something like, "I'm in a bad state and feel like I'm going to say something stupid that will hurt you; is it okay if I have some distance and we can talk about this later when I've calmed down a bit?"
  • Maybe instead of suddenly blocking you without warning, you'd prefer for him to let you know beforehand that he wants the distance and give you a timeframe for when he plans to unblock you.
• He might be going through a lot but your feelings matter too, you're allowed to take care of yourself, and it's understandable that all of this would feel really hard to deal with.

Something I really like in general is the idea of collaborative communication: approaching this as something the two of you are trying to figure out and solve together and coming up with a plan/course of action that works for both of you where you can both feel loved, supported, and safe. A couple links on communication and relationship problem-solving:

https://www.psychalive.org/communication-between-couples/
https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969

Psychology Today: Borderline Personality Disorder or a Mercurial Disposition?.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202109/borderline-personality-disorder-or-mercurial-disposition