What I want changes all the time too so it's hard to keep a strong relationship.
I am diagnosed with BDP, PTSD and Depression. I just separated from my husband (nearly ten Years of marriage). Trying to safe him from getting even more depressed, and protecting myself, after numerous fruitless attempts to try save this marriage I walked out... I am faced with a lot of unwanted feelings of loss, worthlessness, lack in confidence, resentment, loneliness, suicidal thoughts... In a long process of coming to terms with my Mental illnesses and the fact to have to be addicted to Medication with a lot of side effects, I have lost the love of and the love to my now estranged husband. I am devastated about his avoidance and ignorance towards me. I have tried to find new love but I struggle with my desperation for attention and love... I can not keep to one person, so I go from on affair to another... But all I want is one who cares and gives me physical and emotional Love. I live on my own now ... I have made a lot of great steps forward and two backwards... It is a constant struggle from one moment to the other.
It does not seem like I can keep any meaningful friendship. I struggle to maintain the bonds I build. I get upset at something and my attitude completely changes. Right now, I am on the verge of losing my two best friends. One, because she said something she did not know would upset me. I actually did not really process it until a few days later and now I feel like our friendship is over/not where it was. I thought we were closer then we are. It turns out she has a friend that she is closer to... And I feel... Betrayed andunwanted. Complicating things... She is moving in May and I wanted to enjoy the last few months of our friendship. But I havedecided the last two times I was supposed to go hang out with her to decline. And I may do that for a while. And of course... When she moves and we talk, the friendship I could have salvaged will be permanently damaged. I feel damned either way actually. There is no way to win this one. That always happens.
My biggest struggle is I lash out even when people are trying to help me. I am really bad with relationships due to the fact I get mad or depressed a lot. I try to help people but I tend to bring them down and hurt them. I am afraid to get close to anyone because I don't want them to leave which is selfish. I am afraid of getting close to anyone in fear of hurting them. I am in a relationship now with someone I see myself with in the future but I hurt them really badly and I did it on purpose but it was an accident at the same time. I am afraid I am going to relapse from my drug/alcohol addiction or eating disorder and disappoint everyone. I don't want to drag someone down with me but I don't want to be alone.
Oh, I am also struggling a lot with emotional stability related to loving someone. I am afraid I am going to just stop loving them one day. I love them now and want to for the rest of my life.
My partner is an amazing being. He is absolutely wonderful really. Sometimes he does things that I question more than I should and I feel like I might not love him for something so silly that I over think and therefor pin a negative quality on to him based on a small comment or action that he really does not possess. I have to stop myself from thinking that way and remind myself how much I do love him and I get over it pretty quickly but those moments of uncertainty are agonizing.
hi i guess i have trust issues and opening up to people. if I tell them how I really feel they will not like me and tell other people so I stay alone have no friends.My family calls me crazy. So i have my cat and thats it
I can relate to what everyone is saying on here. Relationships are so hard for me. I want to constantly fill the void of not having someone in my life and am in a constant state of panic trying to find anyone. When I am with someone, I don't want them anymore...I need that push pull, the threat of them leaving and the "high" of getting them to stay through manipulation. It's become such a habit for me, I don't realize I'm doing it. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the unstable overly emotionally girl who will do anything for love and attention...One way cope is learning about my disorder, practicing mindfulness and meditating. Somenothing helps and I literally have to take things minute by minute....sometimes it's hard to cope, but things get better, they always do. When I get through my rough patches, I always get to the other side and I'm stronger and smarter.
I am faced with the constant struggle to learn not to be afraid, because everything in this life has to be faced
