Too sad to be around
The small friend group I have online has shown me signs that I'm perceiving as 'I'm not wanted.' They don't invite me to games, they don't notice if I'm around or not and don't praise me for doing well in anything. I know I shouldnt rely on their approval but they do it for each other, they're always boosting each other up. But get quiet when I'm around. I've been struggling more with emotional outbursts lately. So I assume they are tired of it and tired of me. Especially after the game last night, I felt very pushed away from the group, they act like I'm not there. I've been trying for days to practice dbt skills and to take care of myself, but its like the harder I try, the harder the depression and anger hits. I already resigned that I wont eat today, I feel like I'm just a nuisance on this family. Doesnt help that they make comments on me being reclusive, which isn't accepted, "[I] cant be happy being introverted." Or that because being here two months and I'm still depressed means maybe it wasnt a good idea to come here. I should just go back to the abuse than? I just feel like I never get a home and I'm not accepted anywhere. I have no friends, no other family wants me, I'm not being what everyone wants and I can't even hold myself together. I cry at least once a day, usually multiple times. I just think its best I keep pretending I dont exist and leave everyone alone since I'm such an unwanted bother.
wow that sounds tough my dear. but remember ppl dont know the thoughts going on in ur head. maybe write a diary entry and leave it somewhere where someone kind might read it. Are u getting counselling
@Cosine91
@Cosine91 I would need health coverage.
@MxReyne
what about like hotlines. have u spoken to a listener on here. rosielewis is amaaazing.
All the best sweetie xxx
Stay strong
Sometimes we just try to stay alive and wait for a better day.
@MxReyne
and cry as much as u want its very good for u to cry
@MxReyne This is a difficult situation to be in and I'm proud of you for making the effort to open up about it here in order to seek help, find more resources that can help you. From what you've described, it seems like you're in a cycle where your emotions can lead to acting out and negative reactions from friends and family can make things worse, feeling rejected makes it much easier to get angry and lash out... And then the cycle repeats and I've been there, it's really lonely.
It's challenging to try to change things but you seeing what's happening for what it is shows an incredible amount of self awareness and that's important in itself. It's hard to distance oneself from family but distancing yourself from toxic friends for a bit to figure out what you can do next may be helpful. Maybe you can use alone time to try to see what kind of friends you would rather be close to, researching more about the stories of other borderlines, and journaling about your feelings. It's hard to be lonely but you seem like an interesting, smart person and I can imagine you getting close to kinder people in the future who you can have an easier time being a good friend to.
When I was younger, I felt incredibly lonely and doubted that anyone would ever love me. I was paranoid and hurt, unsure about how I could possibly overcome my mood swings and feeling bad for anyone that would love me because I'd be mean to them. Now, I'm still learning to work through my feelings and finding better coping mechanisms but I've met some amazing friends I would never expect to get to have before. Maybe you can join online groups for things you have an interest in like start social media and reach out to people who also like the same movies/games/etc. or even continue talking to people about mental health in communities on 7cups, twitter, tumblr, etc. It's sometimes slow to find new people you'll really like but it'll eventually happen, I promise.
I hope reading this made you feel a bit better and things improve soon.
