Vent
Why is it that I realize that some of the things I'm doing are wrong but they just happen anyway?
Whenever someone gets too close to me I just sink my claws into them and just make them feel horrible with my constant need for reassurance, my mood swings, my paranoia and me just lashing out for no reason
I'm so afraid of letting people this close, of allowing them into my heart as a favorite person
Each and every one of them knew about my issues and all of them said that they're okay with it but at some point they all collapsed under the pressure and I was left all alone.
My worries always turned out to be true in the end
Am I incapable of having any form of deep relationship?
What's wrong with me?
My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago and all the things she said to me just echo through my mind and haunt me.
"I can't handle you"
"I don't want to live with you"
And when I offered a break she said the most painful thing anyone has ever said to me
"Why would I want to come back?"
What the hell is wrong with me that all of my relationships, platonic and romantic always end up like this?
They all said they'd stay forever and they'd always be there for me but where are they now?
Gone.
I feel like I'm nothing. Like I'm not real, that nothing is real.
I feel invisible and insignificant.
My girlfriend made me feel like there was a point to all this suffering
Now I'm alone again.
I'm just drifting through life, each day fades into the next, completely meaningless
This can't be real
I don't want this to be real
I want this to be a nightmare that I'll wake up from
Let it stay a Nightmare, Wake up when you choose to.
Well i see you are in great trouble. At some point of our life it's inevitable to not go through such a phase. But i see that line "My girlfriend made me feel like there was a point to all this suffering" that's exactly how i feel at the moment, but what i have further chosen and that has made a difference is. I assure myself its just a nightmare. & the people i have around me today are not the ones i have to carry forward in future for my own mental health. So until then just like you i don't exist either. While watching feeling or listening me ,matters to others around me, it doesn't to me.. It gives me freedom to be anything for whatever the amount of time i like.. and just like you i ensure my crush is free from this bothersome world of mine.. I keep myself real to her.. like the real ,the majority's idea of real.
personally I BELIEVE, Reality is what you accept it to be. erasing the line between what you see you go through and what you feel you are going through could be one of the best ways to deal with your suffering. moreover if there's anyone causing it, it's a huge slap on their face too. cuz they'll go wild with frustration of having to attack a nobody. Of trying to defeat someone who isn't anyone at the moment. Like they can do anything to you but you know that it's just a dummy of yours, if they don't know they'll stop stabbing and you can restart living normally, if they know they'll frustrated anyway.. it's a win-win for you.
to put it simply when someone stabs you their purpose is to make you bleed but if you have no blood and nothing comes out they feel frustrated and powerless..( and they keep on stabbing you for months to years like a small child punching a heavyweight having no effect on him despite trying their best)
bcz their purpose was never to stab you ,all this time they wanted to see you bleed with pain which you didn't so i think it's obvious whose victory it is... & until the day you yourself decide to put an end to this thought of it all being a nightmare, you are invincible. maybe you can't stab em too courtesy of your non-existence but i don't think it was something you wanted at the first place..?
But i don't want you to do that. I want you to do something better. Keep assuring yourself it's a nightmare. And the day all your problems disappear. Reinstall the idea of life being real. or SIMPLY WAKE UP.
