Walking through fog
I feel like I'm walking through fog. My BPD is at an all time bad and I'm scared I'm going to lose the only person I have left; my boyfriend. My medication is making me a zombie. I can't think straight. I'm angry then I'm sad then I'm empty.
After 10 years of therapy and being treated for depression, this year in May I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although it has clarified why I do some things, I still have no control. I feel like I'm in the backseat and someone else is controlling my life.
I was supposed to start DBT but I haven't heard back from the programme. I hallucinated for the first time a few days ago. It was so bad and so scary. I feel like I've gone crazy and this is the end for me.
How do I get out of this? Is there anyone like me out there or am I really all alone?
Will I ever be normal? Will I ever be able to laugh when something is funny and cry when something is sad or am I condemmed to feel every intense emotion all the time and not be able to escape drowning in my feelings.
Will I ever just be OK?
I am so sorry to hear things are so bad for you. *hugs*
Yes, it will be okay. Getting the diagnosis BPD is not an endpoint from which the road is crystal clear (unfortunately!), but it is a foundation for finding the right treatment and therapy for you. It may be that part of the reason why it's so bad right now is that you've discovered the BPD is there and are kind of exploring it. Getting to a point where you can deal with life is a process, but you will definitely get there!
