about 2 weeks ago
I indentified that I had a problem soon as I was always acting as someone's favorite or sitting alone feeling rejected. This was around 8. I knew the problem was severe when I started hating myself around 13 after a facial surgery. By the time I was 16, I had suicidal ideations, without true intent. At age 21 I was diagnosed BPD by three to four different doctors, and finally accepted the diagnosis.
Be careful about the misinformation that is on Google. Real doctor-level infomraiton is not availbale on Google, just a bunch of old folks who don't re-educate and sufferers who aren't checked for understanding their disorder before writing. The online misnformation had me believing that my differential diagnosis could have been Schizophrenia, and that my outcome with BPD would be dire. This is not true in either case.
TW: self harm, rape
I first started suspecting something was wrong when I was 13. I would cry and feel like death for no reason. I would self harm immensely. I would steal my moms cigarettes and alcohol, and walk in the middle of a busy intersection (aka, bad risk taking). I would get so paranoid I wouldn't be able to sleep, and unfortunately went through a lot of prolonged trauma at that time (raped for 2 1/2 years). I had no friends, but when I got one, I would suffocate them and try to be just like them.
I think my bpd stems from my early childhood, about 5 years old. My father left at that time to do drugs, and called my sister and I on Christmas that year and said, "Dont call me your dad anymore. Im never seeing you again.". My mom would work three jobs, and leave my sister and I alone with her boyfriend of the month. All of her boyfriends have been awfully abusive in one form or another, with her last one raping me from 12-14ish. I've never learned what a 'good' relationship looks like, and keep getting involved with abusive people. I keep thinking I've found 'the one', until they hurt me. Its a horrible cycle.
Then again, what can I expect? I'm only 15.
@blackparadeisdead
I'm so sorry for your past experience.
But, how come you have BPD and you're only 15 ? That's impossible to be diagnosed at that age.
@alexlove
No one will diagnose me, but people have told me I show very strong symptoms of BPD. Doctors are pretty sure I have it.
@blackparadeisdead
No way. Your personality is still forming till you're 25 years old. I'm sorry, but that's impossible.
@blackparadeisdead hey lovely, not sure if your in the uk but I was sectioned at 15 and I was diagnosed with BPD so it is not impossible so ignore that guy babe, If you know that mentally things are different than with other people then it's likely you have it, the other guy is right they don't like to diagnose but that doesn't mean you don't have it so ignore that . You sound like you've been through a lot and I hope with some emotional stability and love you will get through it and not have to have a diagnosis but always know that people are here for you!
@Laurxxxxx Thank you for your encouraging words! I was starting to feel very invalidated, and your message helped a lot. I hope you find peace and love in your life, as well.
All the best,
Ryan
@blackparadeisdead nobody says that your problems are invalid darling, everyone's problems are valid :) I don't want to comment on other things...
@alexlove What do you mean by you not wanting to comment on other things?
@blackparadeisdead just not sharing my opinion.
@blackparadeisdead I'm sorry about what that other person said. You can show symptoms earlier than 18, that's just the age at which most doctors with doagnose you. Don't let them invalidate your struggles just because you are a bit younger. You've been through a lot and it's completely 100% alright if you identify as having borderline personality disorder. I hope you get the help you want and need, and can be diagnosed officially (if that's what you want) soon. <3
@squidkid @blackparadeisdead
I agree with this! I'm so sorry some listeners here are so insensitive - everyone has a different experinece with healthcare professionals, and you have been through so much on your own at such a young age. You deserve to have your thoughts and experiences validated, as a way of beginning to recover from them. Wishing you all the best on this journey <3
@squidkid Thank you very much! I feel this is part of the reason I hate telling my stories and seeking help - because of the stigmas and invalidity. Your message helped a lot though, and I hope your life is filled with peace and joy.
Thank you!!!
Ryan
@squidkid Thank you so much! One of the harder things I deal with is feels of being invalid, and that guys post made me feel horrible. This message brightened my day, and I really appreciate it!?
Sincerely,
Ryan
@blackparadeisdead
My heart broke while reading this. I want you to know I'm so proud of you for detecting your own abusive relationship pattern and at such a young age! This acknowledgementioned brings about a real fighting chance for you to heal and break the cycle. Keep talking about it. Stay strong. ♡
(TW: self harm)
I first started to feel like something might be wrong with me in the fifth grade . When I was in friend group that started bullying me . I remember just looking in the mirror and thinking for the first time that I wasn't pretty . I had always thought I was cute like my family said but all of the sudden my freckles were imperfections , my eye brows mishaped , my hair stringy and wrong , and I thought I was fat which was not the case at all . Anyways but the next year these thoughts were so bad and the cyber bullyinng I had started encountering since I got a facebook . Cutting seemed like the right outlet . I cut everywhere that I thought was wrong on my body . My legs for not running fast enough ( I was a track runner ) , my stomach not being flat enough , I think I even remember cutting my breast at some point . I heard alot of stories of cutting because you want to die but with me it was a way of doing something for which I thought I couldn't fix .
@wishfortheocean
Self harm is one of the most complex and misunderstood things in human psychology. Thank you for explaining your logic as it may serve so many others who struggle with this. I had a ten year battle myself and for me it was very much about control and stress relief. The bottom line is that it effects your brain chemistry and it's such a tough coping mechanism to kick because, well, it works. I've personally replaced self harm with the adoring artwork I've tattooed on my body. I hope this is something you have overcome as well and have grown to love yourself because YOU ARE WORTHY. ♡
I'm not sure when I first knew something was "wrong with me" but I knew I had Borderline when I first learned about it in high school. I told my teacher that I thought I had borderline personality disorder and he told me that I probably didn't because many of the symptoms are typical behaviors of teenagers.
@InvaderStitch
This is very true! People often shrug off BPD as a "waste basket diagnosis" thinking "anyone can meet criteria for this." And while some semblance of that might be true, I think the more you research the more you find that these symptoms are specific and can very much interfere with one's quality of life and relationships.
TW: suicidal ideation
I remember a very distinct moment in my life when I started suspecting it. I was around 15 years old and it was after school, I was waiting for the bus home when I noticed how I rapidly cycled from "It's been one hour since I've been here waiting for the bus. I hate my life. I wanna be dead, I'm just gonna throw myself in front of a car" to a cheerful mood in minutes. I paused and realized that something was terribly wrong for me to feel so extremely miserable in a minute and content in another. I remember thinking "Shit, what if I'm bipolar", but I knew everything about �bipolar disorder and I knew it didn't fit what I had, what I'd experienced my entire life. It wasn't a "disfunction" I started presenting. I was disfunctional, somehow. All of me was a pattern of "disfunctions". It ends up I ignored it for years (in the sense of not searching what it could be and not seeking professional help) and well, now I'm pretty certain it's bpd.
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
@bluemermaid99 (TW:Suicide)
Thank you for sharing your thought process with us regarding your experience. I can certainly relate. I actually have Bi-polar Disorder. After extensive research I though "This isn't me..It must be BPD", but then my psych explained my unique strain of manic-depression as "Mixed Bi-Polar Disorder"- One I hadn't read about in my studies. This covered all bases as it basically means these individuals spend most of their time in a dangeously mixed state of suicidal depression and impulsive mania, putting them at an exceptional risk. Nothing makes one feel more unstable than feeling both at the same time! Truth be told I exhibit traits from both of these disorders, however, doctors remain extremely reluctant to label someone BPD because the treatment is lengthy and expensive, and the prognosis itself isn't considered very bright in the eyes of insurance companies who are dedicated to not paying you. So often times these individuals walk out the door with a Bi-Polar diagnosis, however (in)accurate, because it leaves the physician more options to treat you through more balanced coverage.
Anyway, I sort of trailed off there...I think there is a lot of overlap between Bi-Polar Disorder and Borderline Personality- however - I think it is important to justify that mood disorders and personality disorders are not the same. Here is some more reading on the topic:
"Bipolar or Borderline? A Widely-Used Diagnostic is Getting it Wrong"
*Transient psychosis are present in both.
when i started realizing there are missing pieces in my memories, especially in the bad ones
I started suspecting something last week when I started mistrusting my teachers and friends. I failed a test in online class the other day, and I thought teacher was egging me on so hard because I failed. I got really angry and was ripping up homework during class and left the class early. I’ve been kind of hostile to my friends recently too and sleeping weird hours and eating whatever I want. I drive most people out of my life quickly.
I didn't. My mom constantly pointed it out to me. She'd always yell at me saying "What is wrong with you??!!?!" and, as a child back then until now, I believe it.
20 but i was diagnosed at 18, thinking that it was anxiety disorder but later on i found out the truth about myself and that is I'm having this bpd...i thought all along i was okay...