I broke down crying in my car when I was 22. I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why.
@EdmondDantes
That sounds like a very painful, but significant moment. I'm very impressed and admire you for your courage in admitting to a dark time like that.
I hope things are well with you.
Lee.
I think I was about your same age when an uncontrollable crying moment, like the one you describe, happened to me. @EdmondDantes
I am so sorry that you've had to go through so much, especially at such a young age, you didn't deserve it. You deserve so much more. No matter how different, how messed up or broken you are, there will always be someone there who will love you, help you and cherish you. You matter. Each of us are one and only's. Whatever you've been, whatever you are and whatever you will be. In so many insignificant and momentous ways. Truly the world would not be what it is without you, nor will the future. It's not selfish to put yourself first, it's necessary.
Mental illness is a very taboo subject in my culture, so it took me a long time to realize something was wrong. To be honest, to this day I still don't know how long I've been suffering, but for now I assume that it started when I was 12. I didn't realize anything was wrong till the very end of 9th grade. And after the school year ended I hit rock bottom. I self harmed in every possible way, I cried myself to sleep and I begged every God, Demon and Monster out there to take me away. When my prayers and pleading weren't answered I decided to take matters into my own hands - death used to be the only thing I could think of. I hated myself more than anything. I hated myself for being different, for being messed up, and I was so sure that I was attention-seeking, that it wasn't real and it was all in my head. I started accepting my condition in 10th grade, and now I've finally learned to love myself despite my mental illness. I've come a long way, and I have even further to go, but I know that one day I'll recover.
I firstly suspected something is wrong with me when I keep on crying every night to sleep and get irritated easily.
This is a really good subject to post on such a powerful website. I started guessing that there was something not right about a year ago when I had to face alot of pressure from both my mum and grandad passing away. Also at the age of 10 when I was diagnosed permanently with Dyspraxia and Insomnia.
@Pandas4ever
It sounds like your realization was fairly recent. I'm so sorry about the tragedies that you have had to survive, and the pressure you talk about must have been overwhelming. I really hope all is okay with you, I'm sending good vibes your way.
Lee.
Um,when I was 5-6 I guess.I was a problematic kid.
@piercetheslipknot
I definitely know what you mean. Sometimes, you just know. I had a lot of problems in childhood as well. I was very anxious, and seemingly different than others. You're not alone in that. Thank you so much for sharing!
Lee.
@ItsLee thank you lee♥
I always felt different and a bit like an outsider looking in. It probably started affecting me from about age 12. It's gradually got worse with every year I've been alive. It all kind of blew up when I went to university. It took 5 years to get a diagnosis.
@xminacakex
Our stories are very, very similar, so in a way I feel very connected to the way you feel. 5 years to diagnosis, being affected at puberty, always feeling alienated from others, and everything coming to a full stop at university. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and enabling others to not feel alone. You are very brave.
Lee.
I first knew something was wrong with me when I was about 15. I would have what were called, "episodes" and I'd freak out over little things in my relationship. It took a huge toll on me and my boyfriend. We were together for 4 years. I'd cry endlessly for days at times until my "episode" had passed. I went to counseling for about a year before I was diagnosed. It apparently stems from my childhood. My dad left me and my family when I was 12. I begged him not to go, but he did it anyway. I realize now, I freak out at any sign of abandonment. It's really really hard. I am glad this thread is here to help me realize that other people are experiencing this too.
@Kayleethereforyou
I'm really happy you're here and that you found us in the forum. I really appreciate you sharing your story and can definitely identify with having young, turbulent relationships in my teenage years. It took me a very long time before I could calm the fear of abandonment. I hope everything is alright with you, and I want you to know that we're here for you.
Lee.
@ItsLee
Thank you SO much!! :)
@alexlove
The first time I suspected something wrong with me was probably at about 15 years old, when I started having very intense mood swings and I ultimately felt different than anyone else. Of course, it took me 5 years to come to terms with that and actually seek out valuable help.
Thanks for posting this!
Lee.
@ItsLee
I appreciate you sharing your story with us as well. Feeling different is always a tough feeling. I felt that way too.. I'd look at my friends who were in healthy loving relationships and ask myself why I couldn't have that.. why I had to freak out all of the time, etc. It feels much better to know someone shared those same feelings as I did. <3
I started to think something was wrong when I was nine but looking back I should of realized when I was five when I cried every night.
@Redjellybeans
I am so sorry to hear that things in your childhood were tough. I hope you're still pulling through and I am wishing you plenty of strength.
Love,
Lee.
Still suffering from C-PTSD due to a series of disastrous relationships with a few NPDs and ASPDs, I sought succor at a certain website. One individual who was also there to receive support was relating to the body the horrible things his BPD gf had done to him. I immediately recognized myself in the gf. Oh the pain and torment of shame that I went through! And I shall stop there because this happened quite recently and I am still trying to come to terms with it.