(content warning: Mentions of illness) Advice about how to comfort when you really don't feel care about the topic.
Hi all, I'm really torn about an issue I'm currently having. I have BPD and am just learning how to manage it. I have a boyfriend who is very understanding and helps me a lot in managing my BPD besides in one regard. I get insanely jealous whenever he goes out with his friends and while I'm slowly learning to cope with that via exposure, I can't express that to him without him getting upset and not talking about his friends for months when that isn't want I want.
This goes in with the current issue, one of his friends is currently very very sick and he's seeking comfort for it. But I just...don't really care about this person. The only reason I care if they pull through or not is because my boyfriend would be upset. Other then that, all I really feel is 'Good, that means they can't take his attention'. And I know that's bad, and I feel horrible that I feel that way, but I don't know how to really stop feeling that way and to comfort him with gripping with this feeling. I obviously can't just tell him that I don't care about his friends health.
Any advice would be apricated, I just want to be a better partner as this is my healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
I think you would have to better yourself. Learn to understand your own emotions and realize they are just that, emotions. They do not control your life but play a role in life.
If you are not seeking help for yourself (counselor, therapist, dbt lessons... Etc) then start. This is your fight, no one else can make you take the right steps to learn how to heal.
As for how to handle your partners friend, personalize them in your head as though they were your friend. Realize the severity of death for the other person, come to teams that they are a living breathing human too, just like you.
Hi,
ive had similar issues. The thing that had helped me and my boyfriend the most was something we jokingly call “back talk”. It helps with communication when the topic is sensitive and hits close to home. Let me give you a picture:
We sit on the bed cross legged and back to back, and we typically end up leaning on each other. It can also be nice to do without shirts for skin contact as reassurance.
The first thing I would do if i were you is reassure him. Speak slowly and calmly. Tell him you wanted to do this to make communication easier for you, because you love him and but you are struggling. Mention that you in no way want to pull him away from his friends, but you do want to be heard and hear his opinion on what may be helpful for you.
As you speak the physical contact will help keep you both calm, and not seeing his facial expressions may keep you calmer.
Note: do this when you are feeling good, not in the moment where the crisis is happening. You wanna be proactive, not reactive.
Just remember the way that ypu speak to one another is everything in the relationship. Hope this is helpful to you, all the love 🩵