difficulties w fp

i havent been diagnosed w bpd but ive done a lot of research and its like someone has just described my entire life to me. im trying to go see a doctor so i can get diagnosed and maybe get professional help but i dont think i’ll be able to. i feel very ashamed of having bpd, cus of the ‘bad thoughts’ i get. my fp is my ex gf and she has depression so sometimes she disappears for a few days and doesn’t respond to my texts, despite being online. i know what thats like and i tried my best to be supportive but since she was my fp, she was like the center of my universe and without her, i felt like nothing. i didnt even feel like my own person, i was so defined by her. so when the person i literally revolved around went away for a few days i would get panicky and eventually the fear of abandonment took over and i broke up w her. the worst part is that i probably made her feel guilty for not responding to me when it was my bpd making everything difficult. and now shes gone and i just ... feel so aimless.