i have been lost in the dark for so long....
I knew there was something else sitting on my shoulders weighing me down besides my depression. I have been on meds for that since i was 12. I have filled my adult life with many burnt brindges and regrets. For the longest time I thought of myself as evil. Commiting acts of betrayel and self destruction had caused me to think this way. I tried so hard to change but I seemed not in control of myself. Why was I so compulsive with my actions? Why was I hurting those I loved? All this had caused me to hate myself and close myself off as much as possible from the world. I didnt want to subject anyone else to my darkness. Recently I became aware that the weight on my shoulders was Borderline Personaliy Disorder. To put a name to it, I found some measure of peace. I stopped considering myself evil. But the darkness continues to suffocate me and rain chaos into my life. How do I control BPD instead of it controling me? Its hard keeping this hope alive in my heart... that one day the darkness will be awash with light and I will no longer have to cower.
@JESSALYNNisLOST
Hello Jess,
I don't have any personal experiences with BPD but I saw this article and I thought it may help you understand your condition more. I also wanted to bump up your post so that other people who suffer from BPD can see it easier and respond. I also wanted to give my love and support to you in this challenging time.
Sending you positive thoughts, take care! 
xx
It was so wonderful of you to respond with such support to my post. Your support means more than you know! The article helped me a lot. Thank you for being such a caring soul. There are too few people like that now a days. Hugs and prayers for your journey.
@JESSALYNNisLOST
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Today I discussed exactly that with my doctor; why will it never be under control. She told me that even when you try to hide it, it will beat you. But she also told me that it's possible to control it, but you need to have a really big will to change and you'll need years and years, maybe even a decade to change it. It will never be changed, but you can control it somehow.
Tell your therapist how do you feel about it and what you can do.
Just know that from the deepest of my heart, I really understand you because I'm going through the same thing.
Hugs.
Your message meant the world to me!!! Thank you for your advice and support. Hugs and prayers for your journey :)
@JESSALYNNisLOST
Hi Jessalyn -
yeah, that's absolutely right. It CAN be overcome fully. I am having persons with BPD beside me for almost ten years now - and I can tell you it is possible to leave it all behind and come out of the darkness into the sunshine, in a warm and soft and happy life. And you're not evil at any rate: what is there, is NEVER your fault, that's something others have done to you - you only have to care for lot of broken glass now. And I know for sure you CAN do it, the sunshine and warmth are waiting for you too. Don't stop trying, look, what it is and make it right, step by step.
Wish you so much that you can feel really well and be happy
*hugging*
M.
@JESSALYNNisLOST It seems like you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions right now. It's normal to have these emotions when you have BPD. Attempting to not let it control you sounds challenging. I've been told that it helps to accept and work with your emotions rather than fighting with them. Please relize that it is okay to feel this way. Stay stong my friend.
@JESSALYNNisLOST
I can hear your outpouring of heart in this post. Honey, you are so far from alone. Do not despair, for now you have a name and a way to fight back. One of the biggest problem symptoms is our emotional sensitivity. BPD sufferers are often described as burn victims, our emotions raw and susceptible to significant action.
Here is a great article and ten coping skills that will help you on your way to healing. Love and support to you. <3
10 Healthy Coping Skills for Borderline Personality Disorder:
Everyday Ways to Help Manage Your Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms
Please feel free to message me if you'd like.
I completely understand the darkness. For 15 years I have struggled with BPD. All the drugs and therapy spinning me about. My family has painted me unstable. Lost all of my friends. I have hurt, used, and manipulated people.
In my younger years I went through some horrible experiences. The people that loved me and was supposed to trust hurt me. Took away my innocence and purity. I was left to climb my way out of a sexual taint too young to understand. It has followed me through the years.
Everyday I fight the need to hide. To protect myself from everyone. To lash out at friendly touches. I fight every emotion to keep it contained. To much sadness, joy, etc. They explode inside, daring me to infect anyone too close. If I allow them to run free they become destructive. Even joy. The world sees a calm cold exterior. While in reality there is a never ending hurricane.
I have become an island. Stranded in a sea of people that love me. But I no longer know how to swim. Afraid.
