BPD: Endless threads of introspection and perpetual mending.
Ever since i was officially diagnosed with bpd by a licensed professional not long ago many aspects of my life and countless events have begun to make sense.
If i had to describe my experience with bpd i would say that in terms of analogies it’s akin to patchwork, the seams of the “fabric of stability” keep these turbulent and volatile emotions veiled and at bay yet they are ever-threaten to cave and snap under the pressure and tension they inflict. Strings snap and the worn material tears, if you are not careful the will eventually become wide enough for these emotions to slip past their bounds and rear their heads for the world to see therefore i must always look out for them and sew them shut upon noticing them. it becomes constant pattern of tearing and sewing for even when i believe i you repaired all the gaps there is always a new one already forming upon every encounter with something I perceive to be a potential threat whether it be someone’s tone, utilization of certain words, the way they address me/a situation, or essentially whenever i sense that someone has wronged me in any manner or is attempting to harm me in any ways. It seems as if everything always seems to find a way to cut deep and these never ending threats of unravel keep me on edge at all times, there is no rest for i must always keep myself in check no matter how insufferable and agonizing these emotions may become i cannot risk them slipping past my grasp when i’m around people or those i love but unfortunately no matter how much control i seem to have over them, i can only leash them for so long before they eventually become strong enough to release themselves from my hold and before i know it scathing remarks, tirades speaking of loathing and animosity or uncontrollable sobbing, suffocating despair, and all else in between fluctuate wildly when they roam free and in the end i end up hurt someone or those i love. Countless Mistakes are made and meaningless words are exchanged in these moments and once all is said, all is done they weigh on me heavily, guilt eats away at my conscience like a cannibal and apologies are quick to leave my tongue but despite my words expressing genuine remorse they feel like glass shards scraping against my throat because they sound false, they are true yet i am also aware that it’s only a matter of time before it all ultimately just happens again. A viscous cycle of regret and re-commitment of actions. My words of promised change never fail to feel insincere even when i know that i am trying my best to behave just like your average person and keep myself restrained, i yearn to improve but much to my dismay my efforts are always undermined and overshadowed by the negative. I unravel time and time again only to then sew myself back into one piece yet these tears never cease creating and by consequence my needle and thread never ceases its mending. Rest is rare when this fermenting lump of decaying sentiments and unpredictable emotions are always on the prowl for an opening within this fabric of stability that lines the confines of my being and i fight until my restless mind eventually places itself into a comatose state of disconnection, overwhelmed and distressed it seeks respite within the static of the gray, the endless gray where these agonizing feelings and thoughts align into one only to then fade into oblivion thus, when concealed within a cocoon of white noise where all that is human ceases to exist i become one with the hum of the static and rest is at last granted but that is no way of living, i somehow always find myself holding onto hate and negativity too shallow for anyone when i feel threatened or neglected, its a curse and this hollowness although calming simply leaves me in a state disorient. I feel fake, it makes me feel as if everything i have ever felt has never been genuine and in turn this rift between myself and those present in my life just seems becomes deeper and wider no matter how much i try to reach out and get closer, i attempt to get close yet the more i move forward the more distant they seem to become, this wretched facet i bear and oscillate between drives them away. I am at a standstill within the cusp of love and hatred, Jubilation and despair, there is no middle ground in this spectrum, only the turbulent duality of their furthermost extremes. I perceive the world around me through a bleak lens of pessimistic nihilism and sometimes i no longer know what keeps me going, i have very few loved ones left and it’s all my fault even if i never meant for it to be this way. i can’t seem to pull through no matter how hard i try but alas, life keeps going and perhaps one day i can achieve normalcy and stability for the sake of those that somehow still find it in them to love me but until then i will simply hope for the best and just keep sewing myself up as many more times necessary in my time left in this world.
@Aki4705
Hey, this writing is stunning. 💜 Probably a bit insensitive for me to express aesthetic appreciation for your suffering (reminds me of Kierkegaard lol), but the clarity with which you've articulated everything is unusually sharp and it's a pleasure to see everything fit together.
Summarizing the patterns that you're highlighting, as I understand them:
1) There is a torrent of turbulent/volatile emotions always pushing and trying to burst out.
2) You're continuously trying to hold those emotions in check and maintain stability. [The metaphor you used was a fabric where the material is constantly tearing and you're having to look for those tears and resew them.]
3) New tears in the fabric arise constantly (i.e. new emotions are constantly triggered) based on daily experiences with other people that feel threatening or hurtful.
4) You can only hold the swelling emotions in for so long. Eventually the emotions become strong enough that they do burst outwards.
5) When the emotions burst, it hurts both you and other people:
-Hurts you: you mentioned suffocating despair and uncontrollable sobbing
-Hurts others: you mentioned scathing remarks, tirades, and animosity toward others
6) In the aftermath of the emotions bursting, you feel guilty, since of course you don't wish to hurt people.
7) You're also aware of a feeling of insincerity/inadequacy around any apologies or regrets, since you're aware that the cycle will repeat itself, the emotions will build and burst, and you can't keep any promises to change.
8) When you have periods of rest from this volatility, it only occurs through dissociation ("comatose state of disconnection", "static of the gray", "cocoon of white noise"), which is also dissatisfying in a different way.
***
There's something beautifully logical about how everything makes sense, even if the outcomes are harrowing:
- Of course there would be an unstoppable flood of emotions (#1) if they're constantly being triggered (#3)
- Of course you'd try to stop emotions from rushing outwards (#2) to prevent the later damage/suffering caused when this does occur (#5-6)
- Of course holding all of that back isn't sustainable (#4)
- Of course that much pent-up energy is going to unleash in ways that are a bit uncontrollable and cause significant suffering (#5)
- Of course you'd feel guilty/disturbed by the effects (#6); it's clear that you care about preventing harm to others and maintaining some stability/normalcy, as shown by the effort you go through to hold that energy back (#4) despite how powerful it is (#1)
- Of course you'd have a cynicism toward your own guilt (#7) given its ineffectiveness in preventing future harm and repetition of the cycle
- Of course this entire state of affairs would leave you with a pretty pessimistic perspective. You get to "choose" between either 1) the Sisyphean task of holding back a dam, 2) watching the dam destroy cities, or 3) living a numb/unreal existence.
***
If you're willing to share, I'm interested in hearing more about what happens at #3 (i.e. other people acting in hurtful/threatening ways that give rise to all of the emotions)?
Sure i would not mind elaborating further although i must confess that i had not expected for anyone to actually care to know and don’t worry i do not mind your appreciation for my writing style. I get that enough to where it doesn’t feel out of place anymore lmao.
@Aki4705
Haha, okay 😊
Yeah, as far as other people acting in ways that add to all of that accumulated emotion... I wonder if it's like, you try to share things about yourself and people don't seem to care... is that one of the contributing factors to feeling hurt?
Well, when it comes to strangers, peers, and acquaintances i have never cared about whether they care or not, since it is not only to be expected, the same goes for me. It’s not their obligation as much as it is not mine therefore it has never bothered me in the slightest although that genuine feeling of nonchalance all falters the moment it comes from someone from within my close circle for unlike anyone else that mere stand from the outside of the heavily guarded fortress that surrounds my heart they have access to the inside, where my utterly fragile heart dwells, it lays a raw, pulsating mess in their palms and if they truly wanted too they could just shatter me with the slightest of touch. the fact that i have allowed for them to not only cross the barrier but also into the confines of where i rest in my fragile core alone is testament enough of how deep my trust in them runs but in the end trust is truly a fickle thing because the slightest sigh of perceived threat is enough for my mind to start conjuring up thoughts of the utmost worst outcome and possibilities, they aren’t real and i know that or at least i think i do yet credibility doesn’t matter when the seed of doubt has already been successfully planted within my mind and before i know it, the most insignificant of words or actions can feel like tangible betrayal, dismissive attitudes make me feel disposable, utterly replaceable yet for as long as i can remember that is how it has always been.
“I love you.”
But their actions always said otherwise.
“I care about you.”
Yet they always said things they shouldn’t, they always took and did things they shouldn’t have, over and over again and again and again…
And Again.
“You mean a lot to me.”
Yet they would always go up to literal weeks or even months without checking in on me both by text or in person unless i reached out first.
It felt so sadistic yet it was just in my head or at least that’s what they have always told me. And for the longest i have tried to convince myself that i was always the problem because that is what my parents always said.
“You are just too sensitive.”
“You are selfish.”
“You are ungrateful we feed you and put a roof over your head.”
“You are insufferable, you only think about your self.”
“Cynical, manipulative, una pinche caprichosa.”
“Suck it up.”
“You are not the only one.”
“Llorona, crybaby, needy mess.”
“You are a bad person.”
No matter what i said was the problem, no matter what i did, i was always deserving of nothing. It had always been that way. Even when all i ever asked for was for their love, for them to see me more than just a burden. After all, I was the problem. And growing with this disgusting depiction of me they always preached it inadvertently became part of my identity for the longest, something i once believed to be true.
Although as time passed and i eventually grew up, they finally left my life on their own and i had learned to perceive myself in a better light with the help of very important figures in my life. For once i felt loved, for once i no longer felt this abysmal feeling of shame and hollowness but it did not take long for me to realize just how starved i was, how hungry i was to feel important, like an equal and to this day this hunger has yet to leave. I cling onto to those i care with an incessant, unyielding grip, even when i know that will never care to the extent i do and at the sign of potential abandon or neglect from them i spiral, i unravel, i become an easily triggered hostile mess although like i had said in my initial post I do manage to keep them veiled beneath my skin until they become too much to keep leashed that is. And my love warps into something grotesque, it becomes unfiltered hatred because i know that they are tired and are probably only staying out of the obligation they feel as what is left of my “family”. I seethe in silence because in the end i never had anyone, always on the side lines no matter how close i try to get. As much as i hate to admit it the reason that i cling to them is not only out of what i believe to be love but also because i fear being left alone, i fear desolation therefore i swallow my pride and endure their borderline negligent behavior no matter how much it hurts me. because deep down inside beneath my superficial resentment i am aware that i am difficult to deal with, all because of these disgusting facets i bear. Sometimes i no longer know what i feel or who i am because perhaps they were right, maybe i was always a “bad” person and it’s all in my head or maybe i am just lost, utterly lost in a glass labyrinth with no sense of direction, i always feel so disoriented, so confused and this endless cycle of euphoric highs and devastating lows hinders my ability to tell between what is real and what’s is just my in my head. Maybe i do read into their behavior way too much or perhaps they have truly had enough of me. It’s like hanging off a frayed thread laid atop the edge of a knife.
And just like that, i feel guilt again because i can’t help but feel like i am asking for too much even when all i am asking for is to be loved, even when all I am asking for is to be treated like they treat their friends, even when all i am asking for is for them to spend time with me with the same enthusiasm they do with others. I have never asked for much yet In the end it doesn’t matter whether i am justified or i am in the right almost as if on cue they always find a way to make me the problem And at this point i am starting to believe that to be the case…again.
@Aki4705
"they could just shatter me with the slightest of touch"
Yeah, that definitely resonates. People who are close enough to have access to deeper layers have the ability to cause a lot of hurt. Then fear (and all of the challenges caused by that) happen more easily and any conflicts matter much more because of the higher stakes if something goes wrong.
***
"“I love you.”
But their actions always said otherwise."
Yes, saying the stock phrases that everybody feels obligated to say to those they're close to doesn't necessarily translate into being a supportive/positive presence when it actually matters.
Makes a lot of sense that there would be this deep hunger, that there would be clinging/fear around these people who are really important (as the only close people who are there), and that there would maybe be this uncomfortable push/pull of "I need them more than they need me".
If I'm understanding, the situation is that your parents are no longer in the picture, some other family took up the task of being there and taking care of you (which was really significant), but it's kind of become a begrudging burden/obligation for them--and they've been a bit negligent as well? So then it's kind of like "I'd like it if there was anybody who didn't see me as a nuisance and appreciated the fact that I'm alive", if the closest people in your orbit still have such a flawed/detached relationship with you. (Correct if I'm wrong.)