BPD

Well, let me preface by saying I have BPD, and I believe I’m showing symptoms of schizophrenia. He’s been by my side throughout this entire journey, from the very beginning, prior to my diagnosis of BPD, to now 2 years later. He’s been a saint, and so so patient. I will also mention that he has not been completely faithful to me, and has cheated on me twice. Once, sexually. And once, emotionally. Since, he has done everything to earn my trust back and do his part to repair our relationship. I, however, have fell short. I think that I haven’t really allowed him the opportunity to repair it, honestly. In every situation that arises that puts trust to the test and gives me an opportunity to trust him, I take the ladder every time and only see the negative, and assume the worst. And I’ve been proven wrong every time. So yeah. Our relationship hasn’t exactly been rainbows and butterflies, but I have come to realize that no relationship is. It’s about being with the one you love and feel a connection like no other with, who understands you, and chooses to put the work in. And that would be him. Nevertheless, back to the main point. Over time, as I’ve gone into episodes and acted on emotion/impulsivity, acted out, said hurtful things I don’t mean, etc… he has taken quite a beating (not physically; I would never ever physically harm him. More of an emotional beating, which is also just as bad). He’s tired. I get it. So he’s voiced leaving on many occasions and breaking up. And there’s been times where I’ve been in an episode and suggested breaking up, because I don’t want him to have to deal with this any more than he already has. I don’t want to hurt him. But lately, I’m hearing literal voices every time I can’t see his mouth. I hear him, and another woman. But there’s been so many instances where I hear it, I peek around the corner, and he’s sleeping. I more so hear it loud and clear when he’s showering. So one day last week I beat the door down, and he absolutely lost it (rightfully so; he’s ex military and ex cop so to him, being in the shower is his most vulnerable state where he can’t protect himself) and his fight or flight kicked in. He said some hurtful things, so did I. Then I suggested we break up, and I made a list of things he’s done that have hurt me throughout our relationship (again, nothing ever physical; we’ve never even come to that or had any intentions on doing so). That message made him kinda come to realization that he thinks he’s not a good partner or good for me. And I told him that he’s a great partner in many ways, but yeah, the first year of our relationship he was kinda *** to me. At this point he just doesn’t see me being able to work through those things because he thinks they sit on my mind everyday causing me to hold resentment towards him. Which, I told him I don’t necessarily resent him, and those things don’t cross my mind everyday. Only when situations arise that seem like repetitive behavior that would remind me of them. Which is rare. So that’s where we’re at currently.