Coming to terms Narcissistic tendencies!
Been a rough couple of months in my life, the worst it has ever been. My marriage, my finances, my personal life has all been flipped upside down. A couple weeks ago my wife brought to my attention a test that I didn’t know what for, but it was the NPI. After taking that test the results kinda F***ed me up. Bringing it up to my psychiatrist and her also confirming I have narcissistic tendencies changed my life forever.
Since that I have rethought every moment in my life. The reasons I acted the way I did to the people I so called loved. I am 12 years married and I feel like I have destroyed my wife. Doing things to her and then changing for a little bit to then do it again. I feel like the reason I feel like I was doing stuff was actually because I wanted her to react in the ways I saw. The thing is I look back and I don’t feel like I was doing it on purpose. I feel like to actually move on I need to first take responsibility for all that stuff and how I treated her.
Every-time I sit and try to, it’s like the words can’t leave my lips. Like I don’t believe any part of what I am reading and how she felt and I just can’t admit to something I truly feel like I was not doing. But I feel like the only way to move on is the ability to acknowledge what I did and the effects it has had on my marriage.
If anyone can share there story or give advice on mine it would be appreciated!
Thank you.
@VeiledT72
Hey, thanks for sharing. 💜 Can definitely understand how that would be shocking, disorienting, and really uncomfortable to have this test result pop up and suddenly be rethinking years and years of experiences and actions.
It sort of feels like there's this conflict between the way that you've always understood and viewed things... and now this new perspective from other people of how *they* have perceived and experienced all of this.
1) Could you maybe explain what you mean by "I wanted her to react in the ways I saw"? I wasn't understanding what that meant when I read it.
2) I wonder if it might be helpful to first connect with and understand/express the way that you saw things *before* the test happened, and before this outside perspective of "you're doing awful narcissistic things" suddenly got pushed on you?
It feels like there's currently a big difference between how you used to see yourself and this new way of seeing yourself that you're being pushed into adopting. If I were in that situation, I'd feel like... there's certainly something valid to the new perspective, but I also don't want to give up on or erase my own feelings or my original perspective. I'd feel less threatened and more open to embracing the new thing if it doesn't feel like my feelings/experiences are going to be wiped out... and there's some way of bridging the gap between how I see things vs. how other people see things and embracing both sides simultaneously.
