Lost
BPD and CPTSD. I also have a long range of health issues. I met my husband when I was 18 I thought he was so good to me he was so good to me made me feel like I wasn't crazy I'm started healing my BPD symptoms started going away for years I was great. I think back on it he did a lot of things he shouldn't have done but he was a lot better to me than he was is now. I had a nervous breakdown about 3 and 1/2 years ago caused my BPD symptoms to come back caused everything to come back and even though I've helped him through so many issues over the years gave him everything I am He's barely helped me He only helps me when I beg and it got to the point last year he started becoming abusive mentally and physically and verbally. It's been a while since he's been physically abusive but he still mentally and verbally abusing me. He knows all of my triggers and when I am in a bad episode and can't stop crying and I'm not doing anything to him I'm just crying and begging it for help He gets so angry at me and like uses all of my triggers against me like he knows then loud noises trigger me racist his voice he knows that I feel alone and a problem and he tells me that he's tired of me He knows that I'm struggling and I'm scared of being abandoned and he tells me he's going to leave he tells me he's done he tells me he can't love this version of me. I can't get approved for disability I've tried I've not been able to work enough to get disability because I have so many freaking health issues it's unreal. My state does not care anything about people with disabilities which makes it even harder. And then while I'm being stronger and while I'm trying to get better he pushes me back into that mind frame I can't get out of. I have to be strong for my children I just don't really know what to do anymore I don't feel like I have a way out a way to leave cuz I can't work and take care of my kids but he's not stopping no matter what I do no matter how good I am how much stronger I get he doesn't stop he has so many issues that he will not work through and refuses to work through and just I can't be what he needs anymore so I don't deserve what I need evidently.
@Phoenixrising1892
Hi there, sorry that all of that is happening. 💜 Especially what you mentioned about your husband being emotionally/verbally abusive and deliberately using all of your triggers if he gets angry while you're in an episode. 😢
But also makes sense what you said about not being in a situation where you can't leave due to the disability and being unable to work. (I wonder whether the situation would be different with disability benefits in another state?)
If leaving isn't possible, it feels like he needs to somehow find another more sustainable solution for what to do when you're in an episode. Almost anything would be better than him sitting there berating/bullying you, even if it's him leaving the room and you having something you're able to do on your own that calms things down a little bit.
