i feel horrible

i have bpd (borderline personality disorder) and the disorder ruined my life. i have really intense episodes that are usually triggered by a person or anything. and it causes me to split (black and white thinking) on people even myself sometimes. during my episodes i do and say impulsive stuff that i don’t mean and it affects/hurt everyone around me. the situation that happened with my friendgroup was my fault and i feel terrible. we were all very close especially me and this one guy in the groupchat, we both liked each other but we would fight alot because of my episodes and miscommunication. on the day of the situation i got in a fight with the guy im talking to and he called me bipolar. besides my friendgroup i have two other “friends” who i knew longer than my friendgroup. one of them was a guy. and i genuinely thought they cared about me so i told my guy friend what happened while crying and he asked me if he could join the group and i asked him why and he was like “no reason” and i stupidly added him without asking anyone. i wasn’t really thinking clearly, but then things started to go downhill. my guy friend got into an argument with one of the guys in the group, and then my guy friend started saying crazy *** and they were too and everything got out of hand. the guy i was talking to said he lost respect for me and he called me the b-word. everyone was saying how wrong i was and how i messed up. and at the time i was having an episode, it was so bad that for the first time in years i was hearing voices. in the end they kicked my guy friend and i left. i blocked them and they blocked me, the only people i stayed in touch with was two people from the groupchat who im very close to. but as the days past i was regretting everything i did when i was in the right headspace. so i told my one friend and she told me she would add me back, and she did, but the one girl in the group kicked me, the girl who i was there for and who i thought was there for me. anyways, i tried explaining what i did and why i acted the way i did, but i felt unheard. and i started telling them about my disorder and how i was really attached to my guy best friend because he was there for me at my lowest and i idolized him. but then they thought that i was emotionally cheating which wasnt the case. i felt like the only people who understood me was the two people in the group who was there for me. but we all ended up calling and i was trying to explain my side and how i felt like they weren’t understanding and then they said that i didn’t understand what they were saying, and then i found out the the girl in the groupchat who i was there for, told everyone that the reason she blocked me was because she was scared that i would split on her and tell everyone about her deepest darkest secrets that she trusted me with. and it absolutely broke me, and it angered me because no matter how mad i get i would NEVER do that. and it made me feel she thought i was a bad friend. i felt as tho they weren’t listening to me and had a full mental breakdown. i was yelling, crying, and i almost had a panic attack so i called my mom. and she calmed me down. i hated feeling like a bad person, i hated feeling unloveable because of a disorder i cant even control. i just wanted to be understood and have support. to be LOVED. but because of my stupid disorder i always ruin things. i don’t know what to do because they’re saying i lost their respect, i know i deserve it but i can’t help but feel misunderstood