im so schizoid its stupid
i dont like living but i live
i don't like people but I fall into this gaslighting habit where I convince myself that I just don't know how to get closer to others.
I like not talking to anyone for days on end, it's nice and it makes for an interesting moment when I do break my silence to talk to someone.
When I do talk, it's like I talk more for myself, rather than the conversation and I guess that makes many do a double take on me.
Sometimes i feel guilty for being like this. Everywhere you look, at help to make depressuon easier and stuff, it is always like
step 1 to getting cured! Get friends and close ones!
Awesome advice, for someone that enjoys seeing and talking to others.
It's not even that I'm trying to prove myself something. As I suspected for so many years, thinking it's some sort of edgy phase. No, people literally tell me how weird I am, but not in a classical sense of weird. In a sense that is somehow attributed only when others mention my name.
Nobody knows exactly how to describe me, even after years of knowing me. Not even my family.
A joke that had started years ago, and still is used in my household, is that when a member of the family is suspected of acting weird. They reply with "Oh be serious for once, my name is not [insety my name]" to the accusator, which I used to think was funny as a kid. But as I grew it started being confusing. What was so unique about me that people made my existance a joke? Especially because I've had this joke being made at my expense outside of my family as well. Without said people knowing about the use of it in my family.
I dunno. Just felt like ranting about this.
ughh i didnt even write drepssion right, i hate phone keyboards
@PretentiousHyena2222
(That's impressive to have written all of that on a phone--and having so few typos. I feel so lost without my desktop keyboard and don't have the patience to use Cups on my phone most of the time.)
That's one of my pet peeves with a lot of advice out there also--"just make friends and that will solve everything". 😊 Assumes that 1) someone wants to make friends and 2) that there are people easily available who will be compatible interest/personality-wise.
It sounds like you prefer a lot less social contact than other people seem to think is necessary. But if I'm understanding, there's also this interesting thing that happens where if you're given the freedom to maintain some solitude for a while, when you do re-emerge, social interactions feel refreshing and like a novel experience. It's just that it's within your control, it's every once in a while (rather than constant/continuous) and it happens because you want it to happen.
Makes sense that you wouldn't enjoy it very much when the people around you seem to not understand very much about you. And yeah, that's pretty demeaning for there to be this running joke where your name is synonymous with anything weird/unusual. If it were me, I'd maybe find it funny the first couple times, but after a while there's some vulnerability/hurt underneath it and it just feels a bit like people poking ruthlessly at a weak point.
I'm sure it makes you that much more eager to want to go out there and connect with people when they're so understanding and respectful [sarcasm]. 💜
Hi, this is not good, I am really sorry that you are going through this, I am on the same boat as you, but you seem to put to words what I struggle to describe myself.
I seem to gaslight myself a lot. I used to feel good but it's been a year and I feel like death inside.
@turquoiseBeing6329
Sorry things haven't been feeling good for a while--a year is a long time to feel bad. 💜 You mentioned you gaslight yourself a lot. I was curious what you meant by that, or what you're gaslighting yourself about?
Feeling isolated as a kid is hard man, and your family making digs at you won't help your self esteem. Maybe your just not a people person, and that's understandable if you feel even people in your home are mocking you. You're not a freak. I used to slip away from my friend group at school and hide just out of earshot, just to see if they'd ever notice I'd gone? Just for some sort of validation I guess. I didn't get it at home either. Find good role models that don't belittle you, that inspire you and you do your best brother. Life doesn't need people in this era, don't feel pressured into having loads of friends if you don't feel you can be a consistent friend. Work on yourself while your minds still young and hang in there. I'm here for support for you brother
