i’m tired.

hello, i’m diagnosed bpd. i’ve been up all night trying to be seen and listened to. to most this is a silly nonissue but to me i can’t handle it. my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year, started off long distance and now we live together. he went back to his home state to help his mom out, i haven’t been doing too well with that cause i don’t know when he’s coming back. i’m only getting estimates. we call every night, it eases my mind. last night he went to a friends house and texted me when he was on the way back to his house. 1:49 am was last i spoke to him, it’s 6:15am and i have not been able to sleep. he was active on social media maybe a little over 3 hours ago. i haven’t been able to stop checking his location and checking to see if he’s read my texts. it’s gotten to the point where im studying his pinpoint on find my to see where he exactly is in his house or if his phones moved. its stayed relatively in the same place but an abnormal spot to where his pinpoint usually is. i sound insane, right? i feel insane. i can’t stop myself, this is second nature to me. this is just how my life is and it’s exhausting. i’m exhausted. i blew up his phone, i wish i wasnt the way that i am. i’m too young to feel like this. it’s probably as simple as he fell asleep by accident but im sitting here begging him to not leave me and to just come back home.

thank you for reading this. please pray for me and my relationship, i don’t want to lose this one.